Would You Cheat on a Spouse?

[PoliticalChic]

if you have to give an ultimatum for sex, it's almost like being turned down because her heart isn't in it.

Her heart may not be in it, but people can change if they are motivated enough.

People can overcome a "cheating spouse" if motivated enough too. I guess Americans are a bit fuzzy on how monogamous relationships are supposed to function.

I have a relationship with my son that would take some real damage if I went fishing without asking him along. SERIOUSLY.
He would be hurt.

Yes, as Mrs. Spitzer and Mrs Clinton have demonstrated. It's very difficult thing because an important trust was violated.

Your son sounds like he's very attached to you. I wish my kids will stay as close when they get into their teenage years.

I went to a book club meeting during the week and the kids were SHOCKED they couldn't come. I told them it was for adults only and they looked at me in disbelief.

 

[PoliticalChic]

When you make your vows, sex is implicit. No sex is grounds for divorce.

Yes, some states even codify this. I'd be interested if that was ever put up as grounds in a complaint, 'cause I've never seen it... typically, it's the result of sex-refusal: adultery.

Anyway, I hear a lot of, "just get a divorce instead." BUT divorce is a massively disrputive, expensive, kid-hurting and destructive business. What if the marriage is OK, but the sex is just not even there in any decent form? Isn't the better solution a little satisfaction on the side?

It's definitely morally fraught... but I wonder if the French/Europeans don't have the better approach.

I have a cousin that divorced her husband on the grounds of "impotency".

In New York, you don't even need a valid reason -- it's called no fault divorce.

 

[Dis]

Are you trying to justify a husband or a wife denying affection to his/her spouse? Unless your husband or wife is treating you horribly or being a bad parent, there should be no reason why you should have sex with him or her.

If you don't behave like a wife or husband, you shouldn't be treated as one.

When you make your vows, sex is implicit. No sex is grounds for divorce.

If those are your grounds for divorce, then get your divorce - FIRST. Don't use sex as a tool by saying "If you don't do give me sex, I'm going to get it elsewhere." and then stay married.

Why go jump into divorce if a meaningful ultimatum might do the trick?

If you have to deliver ultimatums, you have no marriage. You have a dictatorship.

 

[dilloduck]

Yes, as Mrs. Spitzer and Mrs Clinton have demonstrated. It's very difficult thing because an important trust was violated.

Your son sounds like he's very attached to you. I wish my kids will stay as close when they get into their teenage years.

I went to a book club meeting during the week and the kids were SHOCKED they couldn't come. I told them it was for adults only and they looked at me in disbelief.

I used the example to show that perhaps the sexual act is not NEARLY as important as other special trusts that are never even spoken about but are much more sacred.

 

[elvis]

If those are your grounds for divorce, then get your divorce - FIRST. Don't use sex as a tool by saying "If you don't do give me sex, I'm going to get it elsewhere." and then stay married.

Why go jump into divorce if a meaningful ultimatum might do the trick?

If you have to deliver ultimatums, you have no marriage. You have a dictatorship.

right, and even if she agrees, it's almost like not having sex because her heart's not in it and she's probably not enjoying it. It becomes a chore that way.

 

[dilloduck]

Why go jump into divorce if a meaningful ultimatum might do the trick?

If you have to deliver ultimatums, you have no marriage. You have a dictatorship.

right, and even if she agrees, it's almost like not having sex because her heart's not in it and she's probably not enjoying it. It becomes a chore that way.

And it's not always "her" that's the uninterested party.

 

[elvis]

If you have to deliver ultimatums, you have no marriage. You have a dictatorship.

right, and even if she agrees, it's almost like not having sex because her heart's not in it and she's probably not enjoying it. It becomes a chore that way.

And it's not always "her" that's the uninterested party.

well, true. I was just thinking of it as if I were in the situation having a disinterested spouse.

 

[PoliticalChic]

If those are your grounds for divorce, then get your divorce - FIRST. Don't use sex as a tool by saying "If you don't do give me sex, I'm going to get it elsewhere." and then stay married.

Why go jump into divorce if a meaningful ultimatum might do the trick?

If you have to deliver ultimatums, you have no marriage. You have a dictatorship.

Are you saying that the person is denying the marital act is a dictator? i.e. he/she is dictating that there will be no sex in this marriage.

Are you contending that sex does not have to be part of a marriage?

 

[Toro]

No. It's better to get a divorce.

But its tricky if there are children involved. Its greedy to put your needs first but it is also selfish of your spouse for not attending to your needs in a marriage.

One should go to marriage counseling first, especially if there are children involved.

 

[dilloduck]

well, true. I was just thinking of it as if I were in the situation having a disinterested spouse.

I just wanted to make sure that both sexes felt equally guilt-----er --included.

 

[PoliticalChic]

Yes, as Mrs. Spitzer and Mrs Clinton have demonstrated. It's very difficult thing because an important trust was violated.

Your son sounds like he's very attached to you. I wish my kids will stay as close when they get into their teenage years.

I went to a book club meeting during the week and the kids were SHOCKED they couldn't come. I told them it was for adults only and they looked at me in disbelief.

I used the example to show that perhaps the sexual act is not NEARLY as important as other special trusts that are never even spoken about but are much more sacred.

So you would accept a marriage without sex?

 

[dilloduck]

Yes, as Mrs. Spitzer and Mrs Clinton have demonstrated. It's very difficult thing because an important trust was violated.

Your son sounds like he's very attached to you. I wish my kids will stay as close when they get into their teenage years.

I went to a book club meeting during the week and the kids were SHOCKED they couldn't come. I told them it was for adults only and they looked at me in disbelief.

I used the example to show that perhaps the sexual act is not NEARLY as important as other special trusts that are never even spoken about but are much more sacred.

So you would accept a marriage without sex?

Why would that ever be necessary ?

 

[Care4all]

Maybe she is getting her sexual needs met elsewhere and you don't know it???

 

[PoliticalChic]

well, true. I was just thinking of it as if I were in the situation having a disinterested spouse.

I just wanted to make sure that both sexes felt equally guilt-----er --included.

From what I've read and heard it's usually the woman refusing the sex. But there are a lot of contributing factors that we didn't discuss. Is one of or both spouses out of shape or overweight, is there a hygiene problem, are the spouses making them look presentable or they spending the whole day in the same old sweats? Are both spouses doing their best to make themselves look attractive to their spouse? Are they willing to spend the time to be a friend to their spouse? Are they attentive to each other's needs outside of sex?

 

[Care4all]

if she is otherwise a keeper, as you say....then no, you shouldn't cheat....though it may be easier.

The best thing to do is figure out how to have her see you as the stud you were when you first met and were doing it like bunny rabbits....!

problem solved!

 

[dilloduck]

well, true. I was just thinking of it as if I were in the situation having a disinterested spouse.

I just wanted to make sure that both sexes felt equally guilt-----er --included.

From what I've read and heard it's usually the woman refusing the sex. But there are a lot of contributing factors that we didn't discuss. Is one of or both spouses out of shape or overweight, is there a hygiene problem, are the spouses making them look presentable or they spending the whole day in the same old sweats? Are both spouses doing their best to make themselves look attractive to their spouse? Are they willing to spend the time to be a friend to their spouse? Are they attentive to each other's needs outside of sex?

It's complex as hell since it is also a biological need and we have used sex and marriage to symbolize so many things. There are plenty of men who lose the "interest" they once had for a variety of reasons.

 

[PoliticalChic]

I used the example to show that perhaps the sexual act is not NEARLY as important as other special trusts that are never even spoken about but are much more sacred.

So you would accept a marriage without sex?

Why would that ever be necessary ?

I've heard men accept it because they say they love the wife and wants to keep the marriage intact.

 

[dilloduck]

So you would accept a marriage without sex?

Why would that ever be necessary ?

I've heard men accept it because they say they love the wife and wants to keep the marriage intact.

I'm sure they say that and may even do it. Some may resort to mastubation and find that to be satisfactory.

 

[William Joyce]

right, and even if she agrees, it's almost like not having sex because her heart's not in it and she's probably not enjoying it. It becomes a chore that way.

Right. And if one spouse gets this "sex" only infrequently and as the result of begging, it starts to get really pathetic. The spouse can claim they're not technically refusing sex, but it might actually be worse than no sex.

One prescription I don't think is likely to work is "communicate with your spouse." Shit, the thing about sex is, it's the anti-talking. You can't rationally communicate your way into better sex. Rational communication is like a cold shower.

I read now about the "sexless marriage," which seems to be a huge thing, much more common that we might think. And of course, ever since I was a kid I heard the jokes -- from comedians to uncles -- about how marriage ends sex. It was hard for me to imagine in my teens and 20's -- you have full access to a person of the opposite sex? Man, you'd be banging all day and all night! Right?

 

[Avatar4321]

What if the spouse just refused to have sex?

I know there are a lot of people who say sex shouldn't be a priority in a marriage, but they are wrong. Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.

If a spouse refuses to have sex, you need to find out why. It's not enough of a reason to say he/she doesn't feel like it. You shouldn't deny your spouse that physical closeness.

Worse comes to worse, you should at least let the spouse know that you will have to seek affection elsewhere.

Im sorry, but if sex is all that's keeping the relationship together, there are some major issues the couple needs to work out.

To answer the question. No I wouldnt. there is more to life than sex.