Would You Cheat on a Spouse?

[RetiredGySgt]

Yes, some states even codify this. I'd be interested if that was ever put up as grounds in a complaint, 'cause I've never seen it... typically, it's the result of sex-refusal: adultery.

Anyway, I hear a lot of, "just get a divorce instead." BUT divorce is a massively disrputive, expensive, kid-hurting and destructive business. What if the marriage is OK, but the sex is just not even there in any decent form? Isn't the better solution a little satisfaction on the side?

It's definitely morally fraught... but I wonder if the French/Europeans don't have the better approach.

I have a cousin that divorced her husband on the grounds of "impotency".

In New York, you don't even need a valid reason -- it's called no fault divorce.

From what I have read in New York you are at the mercy of the Judge. You are not entitled to a divorce and with out convincing the Judge won't get one.

 

[RetiredGySgt]

I used the example to show that perhaps the sexual act is not NEARLY as important as other special trusts that are never even spoken about but are much more sacred.

So you would accept a marriage without sex?

Why would that ever be necessary ?

My wife has not had sex with me since 1999. My illness pretty much destroyed the intimacy and she was never really into sex anyway. At first we stayed married because of the kids. Now we are just used to it and stay together cause we still care about one another in other ways.

Now I would not mind finding another woman that would be willing to love me like my wife does AND include sex. But I am not going out of my way to find that.

I suspect sometimes she has a boyfriend, but it just isn't that important. If she does, I am glad she can find happiness in that manner. Financially we would both have problems if we divorced.

 

[editec]

When you make your vows, sex is implicit. No sex is grounds for divorce.

Yes, some states even codify this. I'd be interested if that was ever put up as grounds in a complaint, 'cause I've never seen it... typically, it's the result of sex-refusal: adultery.

Anyway, I hear a lot of, "just get a divorce instead." BUT divorce is a massively disrputive, expensive, kid-hurting and destructive business. What if the marriage is OK, but the sex is just not even there in any decent form? Isn't the better solution a little satisfaction on the side?

It's definitely morally fraught... but I wonder if the French/Europeans don't have the better approach.

It depends, I suppose, on the nature of the relationship between the husband and wife.

It is THEY, not WE, who are the final arbitors of this question.

 

[Care4all]

What if the spouse just refused to have sex?

unfortunately, life isn't ALL about YOU....especially if you are married.

You seem to like your wife, outside of the lack of sex...you seem to imply she's a keeper, otherwise....

Then ask yourself, if she found out, that you were committing adultery with a lady on the side....how would she feel or take it and how would you feel or handle it, with her?

Also, what if the lady you were playing around with, fell for you....and wanted you to leave your wife....what would you do?

Can you honestly keep a mistress without having other feelings for her beside sexual satisfaction, so that it does not interfere with your relationship and friendship with your wife?

I don't think many women can do this...if it were them having the affair....they usually get stuck on and end up loving the guy, they are "doing"....imo which would way complicate the marriage....but men seem to be different, I would suppose....?

How would you feel if you found out that your wife was not having sex with you, but she was with someone else on the side? Could you accept this?

Would it make you feel that you were not the sex stud that you think you are...? or make you feel differently about her?

What was it that attracted your wife to you in the first place? What made her want to "do" you? What turned her on about you, BACK THEN? Can you get that BACK again?

so many unanswered questions....

care

 

[dilloduck]

When you make your vows, sex is implicit. No sex is grounds for divorce.

Yes, some states even codify this. I'd be interested if that was ever put up as grounds in a complaint, 'cause I've never seen it... typically, it's the result of sex-refusal: adultery.

Anyway, I hear a lot of, "just get a divorce instead." BUT divorce is a massively disrputive, expensive, kid-hurting and destructive business. What if the marriage is OK, but the sex is just not even there in any decent form? Isn't the better solution a little satisfaction on the side?

It's definitely morally fraught... but I wonder if the French/Europeans don't have the better approach.

It depends, I suppose, on the nature of the relationship between the husband and wife.

It is THEY, not WE, who are the final arbitors of this question.

Who do you mean by "they" ? Isn't this a personal question that must be answered by the person contemplating it.

 

[jillian]

You make it sound like a business arrangement. "I'm sorry, but if you don't see things my way, I'll take my business elsewhere."

Eh?

Spoken like someone who's never been married.

There are a lot of reasons to be/stay married to someone. Sex is only one.

 

[editec]

Who do you mean by "they" ? Isn't this a personal question that must be answered by the person contemplating it.

Yes, of course.

But I think you are presuming that I did not answer that question for myself.

I did, and then I also answered it such that you know my expectations for other people as well. I expect them to define their OWN marriages, and do NOT think that the rest of us have any right to judge them as long as they play by their OWN rules.

Hence my statement:

It depends, I suppose, on the nature of the relationship between the husband and wife.

You apparently believe that every marriage lives by some clearly defined rules of society.

I doubt any of them are so cookie cuttered, although I understand perfectly that the laws of the land, and most people would disagree with me.

I consider every marriage a PERSONAL contract between two people.

I don't think marriage is the government's business to be honest.

That is ALSO why I believe in civil unions which merely define that marriage as a contract as it regards property rights and so forth.

What happens in their love lives is THEIR business, not mine or yours or the government's.

 

[Dis]

You make it sound like a business arrangement. "I'm sorry, but if you don't see things my way, I'll take my business elsewhere."

Eh?

Spoken like someone who's never been married.

There are a lot of reasons to be/stay married to someone. Sex is only one.

Actually, April 1, 1995, so that'd be almost 14 years.. But nice try on your part.

 

[dilloduck]

You apparently believe that every marriage lives by some clearly defined rules of society.

Far from it. They are all unique and complex arrangements between two unique and complex people yet there are SOME laws that pertain to some aspects of the marriage contract. In America sex is one of those aspects.

As far as the decision to cheat or not, that usually isn't a decision that a married couple gets together and decides. Should an individual decide to cheat there are high legal consequences in addition to the consequences it has on the marriage and all those affected by the marriage.

 

[Care4all]

So you would accept a marriage without sex?

Why would that ever be necessary ?

My wife has not had sex with me since 1999. My illness pretty much destroyed the intimacy and she was never really into sex anyway. At first we stayed married because of the kids. Now we are just used to it and stay together cause we still care about one another in other ways.

Now I would not mind finding another woman that would be willing to love me like my wife does AND include sex. But I am not going out of my way to find that.

I suspect sometimes she has a boyfriend, but it just isn't that important. If she does, I am glad she can find happiness in that manner. Financially we would both have problems if we divorced.

DAMN IT RGS!

This is the second or the third time you have just thrown me for a loop in a post....and I find myself feeling for you...your loneliness and subtle pain....

You're suppose to be the enemy!!!! lollollol .... (well, i am suppose to be your enemy, being a liberal and all, but truly not so much that you are suppose to be mine.)

i just wish there was something you could do, to change your situation with your wife, who you trust and love, even if only in a friendship kind of way....life is so short to live it in 'nothingness' ....'emotionless'....even with ailments imo.

Care

 

[dilloduck]

Why would that ever be necessary ?

My wife has not had sex with me since 1999. My illness pretty much destroyed the intimacy and she was never really into sex anyway. At first we stayed married because of the kids. Now we are just used to it and stay together cause we still care about one another in other ways.

Now I would not mind finding another woman that would be willing to love me like my wife does AND include sex. But I am not going out of my way to find that.

I suspect sometimes she has a boyfriend, but it just isn't that important. If she does, I am glad she can find happiness in that manner. Financially we would both have problems if we divorced.

DAMN IT RGS!

This is the second or the third time you have just thrown me for a loop in a post....and I find myself feeling for you...your loneliness and subtle pain....

You're suppose to be the enemy!!!! lollollol .... (well, i am suppose to be your enemy, being a liberal and all, but truly not so much that you are suppose to be mine.)

i just wish there was something you could do, to change your situation with your wife, who you trust and love, even if only in a friendship kind of way....life is so short to live it in 'nothingness' ....'emotionless'....even with ailments imo.

Care

They still care about each other in other ways. I don't see it as the total "nothing" you describe.

 

[Care4all]

My wife has not had sex with me since 1999. My illness pretty much destroyed the intimacy and she was never really into sex anyway. At first we stayed married because of the kids. Now we are just used to it and stay together cause we still care about one another in other ways.

Now I would not mind finding another woman that would be willing to love me like my wife does AND include sex. But I am not going out of my way to find that.

I suspect sometimes she has a boyfriend, but it just isn't that important. If she does, I am glad she can find happiness in that manner. Financially we would both have problems if we divorced.

DAMN IT RGS!

This is the second or the third time you have just thrown me for a loop in a post....and I find myself feeling for you...your loneliness and subtle pain....

You're suppose to be the enemy!!!! lollollol .... (well, i am suppose to be your enemy, being a liberal and all, but truly not so much that you are suppose to be mine.)

i just wish there was something you could do, to change your situation with your wife, who you trust and love, even if only in a friendship kind of way....life is so short to live it in 'nothingness' ....'emotionless'....even with ailments imo.

Care

They still care about each other in other ways. I don't see it as the total "nothing" you describe.

you are right dillo!

That was wrong of me to imply. I just got the sense that he may be 'temporarily" thinking such...?

Care

 

[dilloduck]

DAMN IT RGS!

This is the second or the third time you have just thrown me for a loop in a post....and I find myself feeling for you...your loneliness and subtle pain....

You're suppose to be the enemy!!!! lollollol .... (well, i am suppose to be your enemy, being a liberal and all, but truly not so much that you are suppose to be mine.)

i just wish there was something you could do, to change your situation with your wife, who you trust and love, even if only in a friendship kind of way....life is so short to live it in 'nothingness' ....'emotionless'....even with ailments imo.

Care

They still care about each other in other ways. I don't see it as the total "nothing" you describe.

you are right dillo!

That was wrong of me to imply. I just got the sense that he may be 'temporarily" thinking such...?

Care

If I had to suffer the consequences of everything I temporarily think about------

 

[random3434]

No I wouldn't.

I wouldn't be able to look them in the eye. The mistrust and lies, how could you do that to someone who is supposed to be your best friend?

 

[dilloduck]

No I wouldn't.

I wouldn't be able to look them in the eye. The mistrust and lies, how could you do that to someone who is supposed to be your best friend?

I think some very serious issues precede the act--I don't think we're talking about some spur of the moment whim here.

 

[editec]

You apparently believe that every marriage lives by some clearly defined rules of society.

Far from it. They are all unique and complex arrangements between two unique and complex people yet there are SOME laws that pertain to some aspects of the marriage contract. In America sex is one of those aspects.

Yes, I know. Mores the pity, too.

As far as the decision to cheat or not, that usually isn't a decision that a married couple gets together and decides.

True.

Should an individual decide to cheat there are high legal consequences in addition to the consequences it has on the marriage and all those affected by the marriage.

Well obviously if they're "cheating" then they're not deciding, then only one person is deciding.

I have no idea, for example, the nature of William's relationship.

So how can I decide what is right in his case?

 

[dilloduck]

You apparently believe that every marriage lives by some clearly defined rules of society.

Yes, I know. Mores the pity, too.



True.

Should an individual decide to cheat there are high legal consequences in addition to the consequences it has on the marriage and all those affected by the marriage.

Well obviously if they're "cheating" then they're not deciding, then only one person is deciding.

I have no idea, for example, the nature of William's relationship.

So how can I decide what is right in his case?

We can't. I'm assuming he threw the question out there to get a variety of opinions on the matter. As in any other decision, one tries to evaluate the consequences before acting but even that is no guarantee what the actual outcome will be.
Alas--we are STILL unable to predict the future.

 

[jillian]

You make it sound like a business arrangement. "I'm sorry, but if you don't see things my way, I'll take my business elsewhere."

Eh?

Spoken like someone who's never been married.

There are a lot of reasons to be/stay married to someone. Sex is only one.

Actually, April 1, 1995, so that'd be almost 14 years.. But nice try on your part.

Then presumably you should know better.

 

[Dis]

Spoken like someone who's never been married.

There are a lot of reasons to be/stay married to someone. Sex is only one.

Actually, April 1, 1995, so that'd be almost 14 years.. But nice try on your part.

Then presumably you should know better.

I know that you don't dump an ultimatum like THAT in someones lap that you profess to care about.

Because doing so makes it all better, right?

 

[jillian]

Actually, April 1, 1995, so that'd be almost 14 years.. But nice try on your part.

Then presumably you should know better.

I know that you don't dump an ultimatum like THAT in someones lap that you profess to care about.

Because doing so makes it all better, right?

But it's ok to tell your spouse you won't have sex with them anymore? As I said, there are a lot of reasons to stay married. Sex is only one. But I wouldn't find it acceptable to be deprived of sex in a relationship.

My *point*, and my only point, was that relationships are complex and the reason I assumed you weren't married is because your approach was so simplistic and judgmental.

Me? I thought the question was actually an interesting one and deserved more than to get blown off.