Need advice: Nephew comes out gay to mom with emal utube. What a mess.

[Beachboy]

Now I will grant you that my sister spends a little too much time reading here Bible, and not enough time watching the news. She can be inflexible, so I can understand why my nephew used this tasteless utube to come out. Apparently, it has been around for a while, but recently friends, family, and my world became aware of it. The one in blue jeans and a black belt is ours. He is nearly an honor student at a major university.

My sister and her wimp of a husband cut the kid off, and threw him out of their family. After I told the kid he was an idiot to bite the hand that feeds, I agreed to fund his college until he can work things out with his mother, if at all. He is in summer school now. I told him he could take his breaks at our house anytime, and the key is under the mat. If he wants to bring a friend, (and we are pretty sure there is one), they would not be allowed to sleep in the same room, (I will not be labeled a 'facilitator' by my own sister). However, my wife and I would not invade his privacy, (wink, wink).

I am really most interested in the opinion of GLBTQ to this situation, but I also welcome the opinions of those who are open-minded to gay people. Please help. Thank you.

 

[Katzndogz]

He deserves to be cut off and thrown out just for the video alone.

 

[Mad Scientist]

I told my kids that if they wanted me to fund their education they had to follow my rules, whether they lived at home OR away.

If I'm paying the Bills, I make the rules.

 

[Dont Taz Me Bro]

I paid my own way through school, both undergrad and grad, so he won't get much sympathy from me on that issue, but it is sad that his parents reacted the way they did. Certainly not a very Christian thing to do.

 

[ErikViking]

You are being a great uncle. I hope he understands that!

 

[Sunni Man]

I applaud the parents for kicking the little fudge packer out of the house.

 

[Beachboy]

You are being a great uncle. I hope he understands that!

To be honest, I feel caught in that uncomfortable place of:
"I am too involved with this."
"This is family, this is what one does to keep the family in tact."
"I neither endorse nor decry homosexuality politically, but I do not know how to feel in my own family."
"My nephew is now on his own. Based upon what gay associates at work say, this is when my nephew needs me the most. Besides, (and this is from a gay man), "Boys will be boys," ten years from now he could be married and have three kids."
And, finally the one that concerns me the most because it seems most probably to be the truth. "My sister can be a handful, she takes meds for bipolar disorder, and her husband is a wimp. This could be my nephews cry for help that has nothing to do with gay at all. It could simply be my nephews desire for a shock effect."

It will certainly be a lot easier on me if it is the last one. I hope it is "Boys will be boys" too." Young people experiment with everything. It is my goal to maintain neutral in this, but I think my sister will force me to take a stand. My brother has not spoken with my sister for a number of years. He said when push comes to shove he will take my nephew's side, I am inclined to agree.

This young man is one of the most considerate people I know. One day he was visiting and we went to a grocery store while it was raining. I rushed into the store and lost him. As I retrailed my steps I found him at the front door of the store, helping an old man back to his feet. The man had slipped in a puddle at the door. My nephew had put the old man on one of those disabled carts.
My nephew told be to go shopping, he would catch up. He went and told the manager about the water at the front door to get it cleaned up. I don't care if this kid is gay or straight, people with that kind of concern for others do not grow on trees.

At the same time, my nephew appears at the moment to be entering a lifestyle that will be very difficult. There will be family problems, career problems, self-esteem problems, and harassment problems. I feel I must emphasize to him the difficulty he faces for the few minutes of the pleasure he seems to need. Is he prepared to miss out on all the advantages of straight life? On the other hand, recently, those "convert people from gay back to straight" have closed their doors. They admitted publicly, it can not be done.

​

I want to tell my nephew to write this video off as a prank one night when he tried marijuana, and find a woman to be seen with around the family. But, then that might be telling him to live a lie, and that is not good. Things like that tend to get uncovered eventually, and consequences might be even worse than if he just stays out gay. What if my nephew married, had three kids, and had to go back to the gay lifestyle? That would emotionally injure a lot of people including my nephew.

Tell you this though, our family minister of ten years was not worth a shit when it came to dealing with this situation. We are switching to an Episcopalian church that is spiritually more in touch with the reality of our family. Episcopalians evidently do not condemn gays. Our local minister is arranging for their minister in Livermore to talk with my sister.

 

[Sherry]

Why did you post the video??

 

[rdean]

So parents disown their son for who he is? So what if he puts up a silly and mildly tasteless video. He probably won't believe it, but I'm sure he is better off without them until they grow up. And if he is staying with someone who is helping him out, they don't need to be bringing "sex partners" into the house for sleepovers. That would be disrespectful. In fact, while he is there, if he had any class, he would be doing dishes, taking out the garbage and anything else that would be "helpful". You "earn" help, you don't "expect" it.

 

[Noomi]

Its a stupid video, but his parents are even more stupid for disowning him. People like that don't deserve to have children.

 

[Mr. H.]

I'm surprised you haven't been called a homophobe for not allowing your nephew to share a room in your home.

Seriously, good luck with all that.
Devout Christians make me hurl.

 

[Beachboy]

Why did you post the video??

It was a matter of some consideration. My nephew did not care. It was already on the internet/utube with 87,000 views , and I felt that seeing the video would help posters better understand the depth of this situation. I mean, how would one describe this the light sexual flavor of this video in words?

For me I have seen the video a couple of times and it now bothers me less than the first time. The first time was a real shocker to me. My sister went nuts screaming on the phone that her son was a "Fag." Imagine hearing that from your own mother? This situation is out of control, and I am trying to keep a lid on it.

I do know that my nephew is monitoring this thread. I hope he decides to post here. USMB members are in a position to be helpful to our family, and I appreciate it. Thank you.

Yes, I have started smoking,
AGAIN!




.
​

 

[Kooshdakhaa]

Wow, seems like much ado about nothing. Are you sure these guys are gay? They don't seem gay to me, seem like three guys just clowning around. Why do they have a girl videoing them, why didn't they get a gay guy to do it?

The whole thing seems like silly college stuff to me, it isn't even shocking. Your family must be really, really uptight. And I'm a 60-year-old woman.

But I guess he's actually told you he's gay, huh, you're not just going by this video? Well, good for you for standing by him, and if he is gay, NO he shouldn't pretend to be straight for anyone.

His parents need to learn the meaning of the term "unconditional love."

 

[Kooshdakhaa]

Oh, and regarding your nephew monitoring this thread and possibly posting here and USMB members being helpful to your family...

Well...I'm not so sure about that. Don't know if you've noticed, but there are some very unkind people here.

 

[Gracie]

Read what koosh said above. BOTH posts. She makes a lot of sense.

COncerning your situation...let him be himself. From what you said about the old man he helped, he has values and kindness. Who cares what he does in the bedroom?

 

[Politico]

There is no advice I can give for stupid.

 

[eots]

there are a whole bunch o sins in the bible.. I have committed many of them and despite my best intentions will likely commit more..the same is most likely true of your sister..being gay may not be the Ideal.or is Lust, Gluttony .Greed. Slothfulness .Wrath .envy ..Pride but its our place to judge our selves in theses matters not others..treat him as you always have and let him and god sort it out...

 

[Beachboy]

So parents disown their son for who he is? So what if he puts up a silly and mildly tasteless video. He probably won't believe it, but I'm sure he is better off without them until they grow up. And if he is staying with someone who is helping him out, they don't need to be bringing "sex partners" into the house for sleepovers. That would be disrespectful. In fact, while he is there, if he had any class, he would be doing dishes, taking out the garbage and anything else that would be "helpful". You "earn" help, you don't "expect" it.

Oh, this young man will be doing dishes, yard work, and my favorite of all times, washing all the windows! When he is here, he will be volunteering at our local homeless shelter where I am on the executive committee. He will also be getting a job if he wants to finish college, I am not picking up the entire tab for his education. This young man will understand the the laws of physics, "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." He sent the video, now he will take the consequences for his action. He will also understand how lucky he is to have his uncle step in to help. It could be a lot worse, he could be selling his ass down in Boys Town, West Hollywood. I'm told that's what usually happens to runaways. You can be sure I will be taking him for a drive down there to see the ugly under-belly of gay life.

​

Thank you for taking the time to write this useful post. I am not really the "head of our family," in fact it should be my brother, but as he is estranged from my sister, it kind of falls to me. We all agree to keep our parents out of this. They are older, and would find this whole situation VERY upsetting.

I am inclined to agree with you about my sister and her husband. The more I have gotten into this, it looks to me like she pushed her Biblical agenda on her children, and this video maybe, (probably is) a "payback," from her son. My sister does get a little "preachy," but then so do I. I suppose my nephew's video is preachy too. Maybe it runs in the family.

Again, I will not facilitate my nephew's homosexuality. I some how suspect the reality that there maybe multiple partners of both sexes involved, (3 or 4 ways, as we used to call them), but I am not about to bring that subject up. My nephew is 20 years old, and has privacy rights. Sexual experimentation is a good thing to a point. And, who am I to draw the lines for anyone but myself?

At the same time this OUR home. The idea of my nephew naked on the kitchen table with another man would cause VERY serious problem for my wife and I. However, knowing this young man, that would never happen.

If I am going to get this family back together, (which is my goal), this young man is going to have to feel comfortable in our home, which will also be his home. (I hope this can be resolved before he actually moves in). My nephew will have the guest room, and he may lightly remodel to make himself comfortable. (Trust me, I know how it feels to spend the night in my parents home. All that colonial furniture makes me break out in a rash!). If my nephew wants to entertain, we have a rec room with a small bar. His privacy must be respected as would any other adult household member. We are not going to find excuses to go into our soundproof rec room if he is entertaining, like my parents used to do. Besides all this is speculation, the soonest my nephew will be here is after summer school around Labor Day. However, agreements have been made about the move in.

Family first, if I have to shove it down the throats of family members. It is the way my grandparents kept this family together. I am learning to remember, (from my nephew), this is 21st century America, we have openly gay members of Congress from both partys.

 

[Beachboy]

I'm surprised you haven't been called a homophobe for not allowing your nephew to share a room in your home.......

Thank you for your opinion. I would like to hear more from you. I am walking a thin line here into an area I know little about. The family is looking to me here, and I am very uncomfortable in my position. If you read my post #18 directly above, you can see that I am carefully trying find middle ground here. Both sides are attacking my actions. Please give my ignorance on this subject a break. I am trying, and doing the best that I know how.

If I am coming off as a homophobe, then I am failing.​

 

[Mr. H.]

I'm surprised you haven't been called a homophobe for not allowing your nephew to share a room in your home.......

Thank you for your opinion. I would like to hear more from you. I am walking a thin line here into an area I know little about. The family is looking to me here, and I am very uncomfortable in my position. If you read my post #18 directly above, you can see that I am carefully trying find middle ground here. Both sides are attacking my actions. Please give my ignorance on this subject a break. I am trying, and doing the best that I know how.

If I am coming off as a homophobe, then I am failing.​

I was being somewhat facetious.
I do hope your nephew appreciates your help.