Need advice: Nephew comes out gay to mom with emal utube. What a mess.

[Beachboy]

Wow, seems like much ado about nothing. Are you sure these guys are gay? They don't seem gay to me, seem like three guys just clowning around. Why do they have a girl videoing them, why didn't they get a gay guy to do it?

The whole thing seems like silly college stuff to me, it isn't even shocking. Your family must be really, really uptight. And I'm a 60-year-old woman.

But I guess he's actually told you he's gay, huh, you're not just going by this video? Well, good for you for standing by him, and if he is gay, NO he shouldn't pretend to be straight for anyone.

His parents need to learn the meaning of the term "unconditional love."​

I think this is about where your mother is, nephew.
Stop, just stop, don't take her phone calls.
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I could not agree more that this is "much-ado-about-nothing." But at the same time this is the kind of problem that familys face. It is no different than the problems created by a family member who wants to marry outside their race, or a family member marrying outside their religion such as forcing the kids to be raised in Catholic School, or the couple that decides to divorce. These are real problems that hurt more than one or two people. I think the photo above might show what is going on at my sister's house about this gay situation. If my nephew is reading this, please take note of your mother's pain. Any family goes through stress as they bounce off each other trying to deal with CHANGE.

Actually, I never thought of my family as being uptight, though we have been accused of being "Californial." I have always figured we were a comfortable average family. The actual admission of being gay has been made by my nephew, though internet research indicates that homosexual activity is relatively common as experimentation, and frequently changes with age. My nephew could end up bisexual "straight," which means he is capable of being a bisexual, but prefers one women. That would certainly make my nephews life easier. But, I also understand the civil rights issue here. The stats I saw indicated that only about 10% of the population is exclusively gay, 10% is exclusively straight, and 80% of us are bisexual (practicing or not). From what I have read this kind of research is most often estimates prepared by people with a Pro or Anti GLBTQ agenda. So, who knows.

I am leaning your way on the "unconditional love" concept. I am not a guy who gets "obsessed" with things, but I am feeling obsessed about my sister calling her son a "Fag." This did not help the situation. The remark was uncalled for from a parent especially. However, my nephew's email utube was really an over-the-top "hit and run." At the same time I am beginning to see that my nephew could not honestly discuss things with his mother. All he got were Bible quotes that did not address his sexuality concerns about. I have still not figured out whose responsibility it is to explain sexuality to young people ~ the church, the school, the parent, the other guys on the playground, or sneaking a read of Playboy? I learned from Playboy, thanks Hef!

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I am trying to get an Episcopaleon minister to visit my sister at her home upstate. At the same time I will ask my nephew to see a psychiatrist of my choosing. A preliminary visit is being discussed before his planned move in with us around Labor Day. The American Psychiatric Association doe not consider homosexuality to be a mental illness, (apparently they have held this view since 1973). The point here is that if either my sister or her son refuse the counseling, the other one wins the, "I have nothing to hide, I am the normal one contest." I have informed my nephew the psychiatrist he will see is recommended by our company doctor, and will "gay experienced." I mean what do we have here? Is gay a matter of genetics, or is it a matter of choice. This problem reeks of politics so it is hard to know what to believe. What am I dealing with here?

 

[Beachboy]

Oh, and regarding your nephew monitoring this thread and possibly posting here and USMB members being helpful to your family...

Well...I'm not so sure about that. Don't know if you've noticed, but there are some very unkind people here.

And, that is something he is going to have to understand if he pursues an alternative lifestyle. it is just a fact of life. Some people will hate him just because of the way he makes love. Not a burden I would want to bare. The world is still getting use to the idea of a gay community.

Guess who emailed me this graphic?
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[Beachboy]

Read what koosh said above. BOTH posts. She makes a lot of sense.

COncerning your situation...let him be himself. From what you said about the old man he helped, he has values and kindness. Who cares what he does in the bedroom?

Thank you for your comforting thoughts.

 

[Beachboy]

There is no advice I can give for stupid.

There are so many ways to look at what you have said that I have no idea what you mean. My kind of post!

 

[Beachboy]

there are a whole bunch o sins in the bible.. I have committed many of them and despite my best intentions will likely commit more..the same is most likely true of your sister..being gay may not be the Ideal.or is Lust, Gluttony .Greed. Slothfulness .Wrath .envy ..Pride but its our place to judge our selves in theses matters not others..treat him as you always have and let him and god sort it out...

My sister was the one who as a senior in high school clued me in on how things worked. I took classes in film, acted in a play, became a reasonably good gymnast, and was vice-president of the senior class all because of my sister's inspiration, and ability to open doors for me.

When her first baby died in child birth, she changed drastically and became involved in fundamentalist Christianity. She is married to a very scriptural man. She is a very different person now. She looks like she is in emotional pain all the time.

I thinks my sister tries too hard with her children. I have heard the term "helicopter mom" used about her because she hovers over her children. She takes meds to cope. I am coming more and more to believe this whole thing is a direct attack by her son that was premeditated, and designed to hit her hard. He not only emailed the video to his mother, he emailed it to their friends, minister, former teachers, and some of parents business contacts. As bad as my nephew was, he did try for years to communicate with her. Hell, he is majoring in communications in college. What does that tell us?

 

[Harry Dresden]

So parents disown their son for who he is? So what if he puts up a silly and mildly tasteless video. He probably won't believe it, but I'm sure he is better off without them until they grow up. And if he is staying with someone who is helping him out, they don't need to be bringing "sex partners" into the house for sleepovers. That would be disrespectful. In fact, while he is there, if he had any class, he would be doing dishes, taking out the garbage and anything else that would be "helpful". You "earn" help, you don't "expect" it.

holy Shit!......is that really you Dean?.....you actually said something worth while.....and you did not even bring up how his folks MUST be Republicans....Gulf Clap.....

 

[Sunni Man]

So parents disown their son for who he is? So what if he puts up a silly and mildly tasteless video. He probably won't believe it, but I'm sure he is better off without them until they grow up. And if he is staying with someone who is helping him out, they don't need to be bringing "sex partners" into the house for sleepovers. That would be disrespectful. In fact, while he is there, if he had any class, he would be doing dishes, taking out the garbage and anything else that would be "helpful". You "earn" help, you don't "expect" it.

holy Shit!......is that really you Dean?.....you actually said something worth while.....and you did not even bring up how his folks MUST be Republicans....Gulf Clap.....

That's unbelievable.......aliens must have abducted rdean and replaced him with an inferior robot copy.

 

[rdean]

I'm surprised you haven't been called a homophobe for not allowing your nephew to share a room in your home.

Seriously, good luck with all that.
Devout Christians make me hurl.

Why? Should he allow his niece to have guys over for body slamming? It's all about equality. Something Republicans don't believe in unless you're white and rich. Then, you are MORE equal. It's why they have no problem with rich people's Affirmative Action.

 

[Beachboy]

I'm surprised you haven't been called a homophobe for not allowing your nephew to share a room in your home.......

Thank you for your opinion. I would like to hear more from you. I am walking a thin line here into an area I know little about. The family is looking to me here, and I am very uncomfortable in my position. If you read my post #18 directly above, you can see that I am carefully trying find middle ground here. Both sides are attacking my actions. Please give my ignorance on this subject a break. I am trying, and doing the best that I know how.......

I was being somewhat facetious.
I do hope your nephew appreciates your help.

He does, we talk on the phone whenever he wants to. Usually, after contact with is mother. He says his mother is changing their last will and testament to remove him from inheritance, I don't know if that is just a threat, or if she will follow through. I think a new Will costs about $700. But, it is after conversations like that that we hear from him. Thank God long-distance is now free.

My nephew's attitude goes from pleasure in upending his mother, to sadness about how he can not communicate with her. There are some tears then comes, anger, arrogance, false joy, and even pride in bringing his mother down. There is always information coming to me about gay rights. Fine I'm for GLBTQ rights, I guess, but I am tired of hearing about it.

Interestingly enough my wife, a strong woman, a business executive, and formerly a caregiver to the disabled has not been afraid to jump into this. (I love strong women, personality wise, my wife could pass for the late Bea Arthur). Look what Norman Lear and Bea Arthur said over 40 years ago. This episode is on my mind, it came on TV Land last night. I feel out of touch on this issue. Again this episode of Maude is over 40 years old. No matter how hard I try, it does not seem enough.



While my wife has seriously put this young man on notice about how he will behave in our home, she also let his mother, my sister, have it. In effect "When I was a caregiver I had a severely developmentally disable young man who was going to die. His parents were their every week trying to help. They had something real to be concerned about. Your son is healthy, needs his mother, and you are throwing the Bible in his face. Where did you learn how to be a mother, you bitch!"

So, it's now a communications breakdown for me to deal with. I'll send my sister flowers on Monday. This is how things stand just because a 20 year old wants to touch another man in the privacy of his bedroom? Makes about as much sense to me as a man cheating on his wife, and they throw away a perfectly good marriage because of it? Just as stupid. Women know going in that men are dogs, and then we are blamed for acting the way our bodies tell us to. Some of us control ourselves better it better than others, but all of us men, by nature, are dogs.

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[PaulieGirl]

Devout Christians make me hurl.

And what about those that aren't devout?

 

[PaulieGirl]

I agreed to fund his college until he can work things out with his mother, if at all. He is in summer school now. I told him he could take his breaks at our house anytime, and the key is under the mat. If he wants to bring a friend, (and we are pretty sure there is one), they would not be allowed to sleep in the same room, (I will not be labeled a 'facilitator' by my own sister). However, my wife and I would not invade his privacy, (wink, wink).

What a great uncle you are. I am so sorry that his parents did what they did. Hopefully you can talk some sense into your sister and brother-in-law.

 

[Kooshdakhaa]

I have to question why you're requiring your nephew to see a psychiatrist. I hope it's because of the stress his parent's reaction has put him under, not because he's gay.

 

[Beachboy]

I have to question why you're requiring your nephew to see a psychiatrist. I hope it's because of the stress his parent's reaction has put him under, not because he's gay.

I am looking for a way to break up the conflict between mother and son. If my sister as a fundamentalist Christian will talk with a minister of the Episcopaleon Church, (they support gays rights, and have gay ministers), then she is transparent and wanting to resolve this problem. If she refuses, she becomes the "bad guy."

Now if I am going to ask my sister to defend her views in a transparent fashion to an Episcopaleon, it is fair to ask my nephew to see a psychiatrist. My guess is the MMPI, the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. The test Fortune 500 Companies use before they hire top level executives. The test takes seven hours over two days. You can not lie on it, because you must answer the same question with slightly different wording a dozen times. It will give an entire inventory of my nephews emotional stability compared to his own age group. It will even suggest jobs that he would be good at. The test is approved by the American Psychiatric Association, who since 1973 has not considered homosexuality a mental illness. I have taken this test, it asks questions like, Answer yes or no, "Have you stopped beating your wife yet?" One must think to answer correctly, and there are questions with no answers, and you must answer only yes or no. And the multiple choice is a killer. Therefore there is no such thing as a perfect score. I'll buy the kid a bottle of his favorite, Captain Morgan when he finishes, because he can't drink it at his mom's.

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My nephew is free to make up his own mind about seeing the shrink and taking the test. If he refuses, he has something to hide. I come out as clean offering fair solutions to a family problem. A problem that my sister created in my nephew's childhood, and my nephew responded to in an unacceptable manner. Both were wrong. They must face their conflict as reasonable adults, or the family will do it for them. If either one refuses they are on their own, and the family will have the evidence they need to settle this problem.

I am trying to put a family back together here, and there is no instruction book. Nothing has stopped their pain for weeks, perhaps a little tough love will work. My guess, one of them will be in a psych unit on a 72 hour hold. Which is fine, they will get the help they need, the family can stop worrying about this, and I can again stop smoking cigarettes.

 

[Sherry]

Hey nephew, hurry up and join so you can post your feelings...you're obviously not shy.

 

[dilloduck]

I'm afraid you will be joining them all in family therapy if you attempt this idea. You're way over your head

 

[Harry Dresden]

I'm surprised you haven't been called a homophobe for not allowing your nephew to share a room in your home.

Seriously, good luck with all that.
Devout Christians make me hurl.

Why? Should he allow his niece to have guys over for body slamming? It's all about equality. Something Republicans don't believe in unless you're white and rich. Then, you are MORE equal. It's why they have no problem with rich people's Affirmative Action.

Deans back......i knew i should not have mentioned Republicans...

 

[Kooshdakhaa]

My nephew is free to make up his own mind about seeing the shrink and taking the test. If he refuses, he has something to hide.

Bullshit. If he refuses maybe it's because he has some self-esteem left and doesn't think he's "bad" because he's "gay."

I think you are making this all a little too complicated. Just take your nephew in and give him a home, forget about trying to get him reunited with his parents. Some of the tactics you are contemplating are beginning to sound whacko. Especially this business about psychological testing for your nephew.

He's gay, not crazy. Now, the rest of the family, on the other hand...

 

[Gracie]

AGAIN, read what Koosh just said. She is a font of wisdom in this.

It boggles my mind that a parent can be so tunnel visioned when it comes to their kid being gay. It's still their kid. Is their love and support like a faucet that can be turned on and off?

Take the kid in, give him a roof, rules, send him to school, help him find work and let him BE HIMSELF. What is that so hard to do? If he breaks your rules, doesn't try to meet you half way in school or work, shows no interest in helping out the guy that is helping him out, then kick him to the curb. But at least give him a chance. And if your sister doesn't want anyting to do with him, then it's her loss. Don't sweat the small stuff and it IS small because it is HER choice.

 

[Gracie]

And if I were your nephew, I would tell you where to shove your shrink and any tests you wanted me to take and devil take the hindmost if you think I am hiding something. Trust goes two ways, ya know.

Just be the uncle, beachboy. Until he shows you he cannot be the nephew.

 

[Kooshdakhaa]

And read the article linked in Gracie's thread, "We love you...but" in this same category, "Health and Lifestyle."

Don't do that to your nephew. Don't treat him like there's something wrong with him that needs to be analyzed and fixed.

I'm still trying to figure out what was so horrific about that video? Did he e-mail the link to that YouTube video to his mother, is that what you're saying he did?