Merlin1047
Senior Member
"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry
once went out with Courtney Love, and he's questioning Bush's
judgment?!?"
~ Jay Leno
"A lot of people are wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages.
Here's a hint...he gets $1,000 haircuts."
~ Craig Kilborn
"There was a really embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic
fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he
said, "I do."
~ Craig Kilborn
"Shrek 2 made over $120 million during its first week. In a related
story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him."
~ Conan O'Brien
"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue
were discussed. And then Nader spoke."
~ Jay Leno
"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking
heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1,000 haircut, and
wearing a 1970's wig known as 'the Leno'. Of course, there are really
two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present
both of them."
~ David Letterman
"Kerry was in Los Angeles, courting the Hispanic vote by speaking some
Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages."
~ Jay Leno
"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a
Sunday afternoon ride, fell off right in front of the news media.
Luckily, his hair broke his fall. Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not
seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry felt well
enough to give the officers conflicting reports about what happened."
~ Jay Leno
"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine
this week. If Kerry is elected president, she'll be the oldest first
lady in American history. But that doesn't bother Kerry. He said,
"Sure we're getting older, but to me, she still looks like a million
bucks!"
~ Jay Leno
"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich...As opposed
to John Kerry, who just marries them."
~ Jay Leno
"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He
originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq."
~ Craig Kilborn
"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month
until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If
Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an
empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss-up as to which one has
the better personality."
~ Jay Leno
"The White House began airing TV commercials to re-elect the president,
and the Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He
said, it is unconscionable to use the memory of a national tragedy in
order to get elected...Unless of course, it's the Vietnam War."
~ Jay Leno
(and here's my personal favorite)
"John Kerry has promised to "take this country back" from the wealthy.
Well, who better than a guy worth $700 million? See - he knows how the
wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in
Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons, at his castle in France...He's
a mole for the working man."
~ Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Senator John Kerry changed his mind, and now supports the
ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you, this guy has more positions than
Paris Hilton."
~ David Letterman
"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So
that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from
all those flip-flopping issues."
~ Jay Leno
"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young
intern. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal,
a spokesman said, "Close, but no cigar."
~ Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update."
"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the
rich. His wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are
you nuts?!"
~ Jay Leno
"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first
wife was worth around $300 million and Teresa, his current wife, is
worth around $700 million. So - when John Kerry says he's "going after
the wealthy" in this country, he's not just talking. He's actually
doing it!"
~ Jay Leno
"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was "the beginning of
the end of the Bush administration". I agree. Sure - it may take
another five years, but this is it."
~ Jay Leno
once went out with Courtney Love, and he's questioning Bush's
judgment?!?"
~ Jay Leno
"A lot of people are wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages.
Here's a hint...he gets $1,000 haircuts."
~ Craig Kilborn
"There was a really embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic
fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he
said, "I do."
~ Craig Kilborn
"Shrek 2 made over $120 million during its first week. In a related
story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him."
~ Conan O'Brien
"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue
were discussed. And then Nader spoke."
~ Jay Leno
"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking
heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1,000 haircut, and
wearing a 1970's wig known as 'the Leno'. Of course, there are really
two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present
both of them."
~ David Letterman
"Kerry was in Los Angeles, courting the Hispanic vote by speaking some
Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages."
~ Jay Leno
"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a
Sunday afternoon ride, fell off right in front of the news media.
Luckily, his hair broke his fall. Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not
seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry felt well
enough to give the officers conflicting reports about what happened."
~ Jay Leno
"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine
this week. If Kerry is elected president, she'll be the oldest first
lady in American history. But that doesn't bother Kerry. He said,
"Sure we're getting older, but to me, she still looks like a million
bucks!"
~ Jay Leno
"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich...As opposed
to John Kerry, who just marries them."
~ Jay Leno
"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He
originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq."
~ Craig Kilborn
"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month
until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If
Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an
empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss-up as to which one has
the better personality."
~ Jay Leno
"The White House began airing TV commercials to re-elect the president,
and the Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He
said, it is unconscionable to use the memory of a national tragedy in
order to get elected...Unless of course, it's the Vietnam War."
~ Jay Leno
(and here's my personal favorite)
"John Kerry has promised to "take this country back" from the wealthy.
Well, who better than a guy worth $700 million? See - he knows how the
wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in
Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons, at his castle in France...He's
a mole for the working man."
~ Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Senator John Kerry changed his mind, and now supports the
ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you, this guy has more positions than
Paris Hilton."
~ David Letterman
"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So
that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from
all those flip-flopping issues."
~ Jay Leno
"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young
intern. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal,
a spokesman said, "Close, but no cigar."
~ Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update."
"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the
rich. His wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are
you nuts?!"
~ Jay Leno
"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first
wife was worth around $300 million and Teresa, his current wife, is
worth around $700 million. So - when John Kerry says he's "going after
the wealthy" in this country, he's not just talking. He's actually
doing it!"
~ Jay Leno
"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was "the beginning of
the end of the Bush administration". I agree. Sure - it may take
another five years, but this is it."
~ Jay Leno
