Anything Goes Humor

[eddiew]

A friend told me about a day out with his grandson. This is what he said:

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 6 year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!”

Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!”

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, "Did I do it
wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson & said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul”

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did
something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here ma'am,
this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. You must be a Democrat. Shove
it up your ass and cool off!”

Kinda brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?

Satire from The Borowitz ReportTrump Replaces Mary Trump with Kayleigh McEnany as Niece

With only three and a half months to go until the election, replacing family members could be seen as a sign of desperation, political insiders said.
By Andy Borowitz
July 18, 2020

 

[Rambunctious]

 

[Hossfly]

 

[JustAnotherNut]

View attachment 389243

I bet you did that too, didntcha?

 

[asaratis]

The Girl Across the Street

She's single... She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight.
Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said, "Can you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen really sucks!

 

[Silver Cat]

It's not about COVID-19, you know.

 

[the other mike]

This guy's great.

 

[asaratis]

 

[my2¢]

 

[Auld Phart]

 

[Wyld Kard]

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so".

"Fine, then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right " To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don't think so".

"Fine", she says "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break " "I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps". He says, "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so I've had enough of you, I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried." Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either give him a titty fuck or bake a cake". He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "Hellooooo..... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

 

[candycorn]

 

[Captain Caveman]

What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?

A microwave oven doesn't brown your meat.

 

[Captain Caveman]

What did the orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.

 

[Captain Caveman]

What's half black and doesn't work?

London.

 

[TheParser]

Mona (speaking with her high school teacher): My mom used to be one of your students.

Mr. Smith: Really? What a small world.

Mona: She says you were her favorite teacher.

Mr. Smith: I'm flattered.

Mona (looking at him very carefully): May I ask you a question?

Mr. Smith: Of course.

Mona: Did you use(d) to be good-looking?


I rewrote that backhanded compliment from a true incident reported in the February, 2021, print edition of the Reader's Digest.

 

[AlanParker1989]

 

[asaratis]

In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in a nearby pew saying a prayer.
She was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:

“Dear Lord: This last year has been very tough. You have taken my favorite actors Sean Connery, Kirk Douglas and Diana Rigg; my favorite television host, Alex Trebek; Carl Reiner from ‘Your Show of Shows’; my favorite singer from the 50’s, Little Richard; even Charlie Daniels and Kenny Rogers my two favorite country western singers; and from sports you took Gale Sayers and my favorite basketball player Kobe Bryant.”

“I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer."

 

[asaratis]

SPOT ON LOGIC!

 

[asaratis]

Let's never get rid of newspapers, they are a great source of entertainment !!