Would You Cheat on a Spouse?

[PoliticalChic]

See the trick to cheating on your spouse is to cheat on your spouse with your spouse.

Have your wife put on a wig and wear something slinky and "pick her up" in the bar of a nice hotel. Hell you can even leave $100 on the dresser on the way out.

I think you were being only half-facetious here.

A couple needs to have a sense of imagination to keep that "fire" going.

With today's fast and furious lifestyle, sex is put into the corner, sort of as an afterthought by many women. Remember how sex was always on your mind when you were dating? But life became a little bit more complicated with work, family, children and you don't feel like it much because you were run down and tired. You really need to make time for it.

 

[Care4all]

Well, I still think ultimatums are NOT the right way to go and do not solve the problems that obviously exist, and unless the root of the problem is found, the problem will continue to exist....no ultimatum will change that imho.

So, is she tired, does she work full time then take care of the kids full time and the house full time? If so, take a 3 day getaway to a hotel drop the kids with the grandparents, let her relax the first day...show her how much you love her and how attractive you find her but don't push the sex till she is rested...

Try to make her initiate the sex with you....by making her feel pretty, secure, unconditionally loved the way you once did when you were dating. (if that fails get her drunk)*

have you done something that has really hurt her and this is why she keeps her distance? If so, let her know how sorry you are and reassure her that it was a mistake you wont repeat....

 

[PoliticalChic]

An ultimatum would be a last resort. Perhaps I didn't make myself clear on that.

Like you said Care, a getaway would be a great way to rekindle that fire.

Buy her some sexy lingerie, leave her love notes all over the house, go through the day teasing her...
A woman usually likes the seduction. Just think of all the things you used to do to win her heart.

It could also be a medical problem in which case she needs to see her OB/GYN to discuss.

 

[dilloduck]

Well, I still think ultimatums are NOT the right way to go and do not solve the problems that obviously exist, and unless the root of the problem is found, the problem will continue to exist....no ultimatum will change that imho.

So, is she tired, does she work full time then take care of the kids full time and the house full time? If so, take a 3 day getaway to a hotel drop the kids with the grandparents, let her relax the first day...show her how much you love her and how attractive you find her but don't push the sex till she is rested...

Try to make her initiate the sex with you....by making her feel pretty, secure, unconditionally loved the way you once did when you were dating. (if that fails get her drunk)*

have you done something that has really hurt her and this is why she keeps her distance? If so, let her know how sorry you are and reassure her that it was a mistake you wont repeat....

The truth about why a spouse is no longer interested in sex may be more intimate than sex itself but I would definitely at least ask the question. If the only answer I get is something as shallow as " I just don't feel like it" I would assume she not only doesn't feel like it but also doesn't care to explain it either. Isn't that a breach of intimacy ?

 

[Skull Pilot]

See the trick to cheating on your spouse is to cheat on your spouse with your spouse.

Have your wife put on a wig and wear something slinky and "pick her up" in the bar of a nice hotel. Hell you can even leave $100 on the dresser on the way out.

I think you were being only half-facetious here.

A couple needs to have a sense of imagination to keep that "fire" going.

With today's fast and furious lifestyle, sex is put into the corner, sort of as an afterthought by many women. Remember how sex was always on your mind when you were dating? But life became a little bit more complicated with work, family, children and you don't feel like it much because you were run down and tired. You really need to make time for it.

you're only half right as i am being 100% serious.

if you haven't tried it you should. that little game i described is a lot of fun.

 

[Sky Dancer]

I'm willing to discuss this topic hypothetically[/I or we can discuss the topic in literature. It's the stuff of great fiction and drama.

 

[Sky Dancer]

Well, I still think ultimatums are NOT the right way to go and do not solve the problems that obviously exist, and unless the root of the problem is found, the problem will continue to exist....no ultimatum will change that imho.

So, is she tired, does she work full time then take care of the kids full time and the house full time? If so, take a 3 day getaway to a hotel drop the kids with the grandparents, let her relax the first day...show her how much you love her and how attractive you find her but don't push the sex till she is rested...

Try to make her initiate the sex with you....by making her feel pretty, secure, unconditionally loved the way you once did when you were dating. (if that fails get her drunk)*

have you done something that has really hurt her and this is why she keeps her distance? If so, let her know how sorry you are and reassure her that it was a mistake you wont repeat....

Ultimatums don't work. If one spouse is in a position of pressuring the other to have unwanted sex, or to justify infidelity, the relationship is over.

It presumes that flaw in the relationship is all about one partner saying no to sex.

If sex was previously enjoyed by both parties then something happened to set it off. There could be numerous reasons. If their is a buy in--to sex as a value in a healthy relationship then it's possible to investigate what's causing the problem and see if it can be remedied.

Some conditions make sex impossible. If there is no friendship or intimacy in the relationship than temporary or permanent physical or psychological conditions that make the partners turn off to one another can bring an end to the relationship altogether.

 

[Againsheila]

See what I mean?


No interest in discussing the topic, is there? We either tell stories or discuss it hypothetically.

Hypothetically, life circumstances can bring some people to a crossroads where cheating on a spouse is a distinct possibility. No one talks about this honestly unless they want to wear a scarlet letter A on their forehead.

Very well said, Jalu, and thank you for saying it, too.

Absolutely fidelity, if one believes the experts, at least, is rather rare in either gender.

Being completely honest about such an intimate detail in one's life, in this venue?

Nah!

We have people here with the maturity level of junior high school students.

They could no more handle adults talking honestly about such things than they can handle differences of opinion about things of a far less intimate nature.

I'll tell what I presume though...

I presume there is probably not a single person on this board over 40 who has not EVER cheated on somebody..either a boy/girlfriend, a spouse or a long term relationship.

Perhaps they never consumated their infidelity, but the infidelity is really the mind games of people just starting to mix it up, anyway, isn't it?

Seems to me the sex is the merely the final act of infidelity, not the entirety of it.

As William so nicely put it when trying to describe relationships in trouble:,

... on their way down anyway and divorce is on the horizon, it's only adultery in the barest of technical senses.

Few of us, I suspect, have not taken refuge in such rationalizations to justify our own transgressions from our own sense of who we want to imagine we really are.

You lose. I'm 52 and the only person I've ever had sex with is my husband. I came close with a boyfriend in college, but he was talking marriage. Imagine my surprise when the very next day he was dating a blond bimbo.

Both my husband and I have been faithful to each other through 27 years of marriage. I know many couples that have also remained faithful to each other. Maybe it's the people you hang out with? I imagine like follows like.

 

[Sky Dancer]

You make a ton of assumptions that are wrong, sheila. Even Jimmy Carter 'lusted in his mind'.

 

[catzmeow]

I'll tell what I presume though...

I presume there is probably not a single person on this board over 40 who has not EVER cheated on somebody..either a boy/girlfriend, a spouse or a long term relationship.

Perhaps they never consumated their infidelity, but the infidelity is really the mind games of people just starting to mix it up, anyway, isn't it?

Seems to me the sex is the merely the final act of infidelity, not the entirety of it.

While I don't disagree that emotional infidelity can be just as wounding as physical infidelity, I disagree with your assessment here.

I would say it would be rare to find an adult who hasn't at least fantasized about another person. However, I've never cheated, emotionally or otherwise, and I would suggest I'm far from alone in that category. I don't believe my boyfriend has ever done so, either.

Some people have integrity. Others don't.

 

[catzmeow]

The truth about why a spouse is no longer interested in sex may be more intimate than sex itself but I would definitely at least ask the question. If the only answer I get is something as shallow as " I just don't feel like it" I would assume she not only doesn't feel like it but also doesn't care to explain it either. Isn't that a breach of intimacy ?

She may not know completely why she isn't interested. For women, sex is intricately connected to emotions. I know that I checked out, sexually, for a while with my ex-husband because of his continual lies and betrayals. I couldn't count on him to be truthful or to do what he said he was going to do, and emotionally, I didn't want to be that close to him physically.

However, there can be a host of physical reasons, as well:

Hypothyroidism
Depression
painful intercourse

Beyond that, women who go through childbirth experience drastic changes in how they view their bodies, themselves, and sex can change, too. It isn't so much being tired and overstressed by having children as it is seeing yourself so differently...the changes that time and being a mom make on your body are huge. Definitely, it can be hard to stay connected to your sexuality.

But, I think you should try and talk, openly, about this stuff, if you can.

 

[catzmeow]

Both my husband and I have been faithful to each other through 27 years of marriage.

That you know of...I know you can speak for you, but you can never totally speak for another person. Trust me on this one.

 

[Care4all]

Well, I still think ultimatums are NOT the right way to go and do not solve the problems that obviously exist, and unless the root of the problem is found, the problem will continue to exist....no ultimatum will change that imho.

So, is she tired, does she work full time then take care of the kids full time and the house full time? If so, take a 3 day getaway to a hotel drop the kids with the grandparents, let her relax the first day...show her how much you love her and how attractive you find her but don't push the sex till she is rested...

Try to make her initiate the sex with you....by making her feel pretty, secure, unconditionally loved the way you once did when you were dating. (if that fails get her drunk)*

have you done something that has really hurt her and this is why she keeps her distance? If so, let her know how sorry you are and reassure her that it was a mistake you wont repeat....

The truth about why a spouse is no longer interested in sex may be more intimate than sex itself but I would definitely at least ask the question. If the only answer I get is something as shallow as " I just don't feel like it" I would assume she not only doesn't feel like it but also doesn't care to explain it either. Isn't that a breach of intimacy ?

oh, i think asking the question and listening to the response will be very telling...

And asking the question should bring an intimate moment, yet without sex, between the two when discussing it, if honesty prevails....

talking is good....

if she just doesn't answer, then try to pry it out....still better than ignoring it...

 

[Sky Dancer]

If you cheated on a spouse, would you admit it? Why or why not?

 

[Care4all]

If you cheated on a spouse, would you admit it? Why or why not?

that's hard to answer, because i am certain each individual case would be different....

none of us are precisely like another...

if the hubby was a maniac and apt to hit me....then NO!( just file for the divorce now)

if the hubby was sick...needed healing time... then, NO!(let him heal, then discuss)

if it was a one time mess up, never to happen again type thing...then NO! (wouldnt want to hurt him)

if it was an on going affair, then YES...(last hope in saving relationship if you want to save it, if you dont want to save it, then NO, it'll cost you less money when divorcing)

there are just so many different scenarios that warrent different or opposing answers, and each case or couple would be different with eachother as well....

 

[tobetbaa]

Do not cheat, haven't you seen that Michael Douglas movie, what was it called again?

 

[Sky Dancer]

Thanks Care--

I liked your answer. I think confessing is a bad idea, unless the spouse is already suspicious and guesses. Then, it's best to 'fess up'.

 

[tigerbob]

What if the spouse just refused to have sex?

What if he / she did?

 

[PoliticalChic]

you're only half right as i am being 100% serious.

if you haven't tried it you should. that little game i described is a lot of fun.

Could be a very interesting Valentine's Day...Thanks for the tip.

 

[Care4all]

Do not cheat, haven't you seen that Michael Douglas movie, what was it called again?

FATAL Attraction