What men mean by....

[Joz]

*Can I help with dinner?
Means: Why isn't it already on the table?

*Take a break honey, you're working too hard.
Means: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

*I WAS listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind.
Means: I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.

*You look terrific.
Means: Please don't try on another outfit, I'm starving.

*I can't find it.
Means: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands.

*You know how bad my memory is.
Means:I remember the theme from 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

*I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.
Means: No one will ever see us alive again.

 

[pennyville73]

Very funny...and so true!

 

[Merlin1047]

*Can I help with dinner?
Means: Why isn't it already on the table?

*Take a break honey, you're working too hard.
Means: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

*I WAS listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind.
Means: I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.

*You look terrific.
Means: Please don't try on another outfit, I'm starving.

*I can't find it.
Means: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands.

*You know how bad my memory is.
Means:I remember the theme from 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

*I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.
Means: No one will ever see us alive again.

Retaliatory strike inbound.

 

[Merlin1047]

What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah,

C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah,

you and I blah, blah, blah, blah,

on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah,

no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah,

right now !

 

[pennyville73]

LMAO

 

[Joz]

What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:

C'mon,

you and I on the floor,

no clothes,

right now !

You're all alike.

 

[Merlin1047]

*Can't we just be friends?
There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

*I just need some space ...
without you in it

*Can you help me with my homework?
If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.

*Do I look fat in this dress?
We haven't had a fight in a while

*No, pizza's fine.
Cheap bastard.

*I just do not want a boyfriend now.
I just do not want (you as a) boyfriend now

*I don't know; what do you want to do?
I can't believe that you have nothing planned

*Come here.
My puppy does this too

*I like you but...
I don't like you

*You never listen.
You never listen

*We're moving too quickly.
I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend

*I'll be ready in a minute.
I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

*Oh, no, I will pay for myself.
I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch.

*Oh Yes! Right there.
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with

*I'm just going out with the girls.
We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your freinds

*There's no one else.
I am doing your brother

*Size doesn't count...
unless I want an orgasm

 

[Merlin1047]

You're all alike.

Oh Yeah? Well take this . . .

Subject: What We Women Really Mean...

What common words, phrases and sounds actually mean, when a woman says them...

Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sighs: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

Oh (as the lead to a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

 

[Joz]

*40-ish.....52 looking for 25 year olds
*Athletic.....sits on the couch & watches ESPN
*Average looking.....Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back
*Educated.....Will always treat you like an idiot.
*Free Spirit.....Sleeps with your sister
*Friendship first.....As long as it involves nudity
*Fun.....Good with a remote & a six pack
*Good Looking.....Arrogant
*Honest.....Pathological liar
*Huggable.....Overweight/more body hair than a bear
*Likes to cuddle.....Insecure/overly dependant
*Mature.....Until you get to know him
*Open minded.....Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
*Physically fit.....Spends alot of time in front of the mirror admiring himself
*Poet.....Has written on a bathroon stall
*Spiritual.....Went to church once on Easter Sunday with Grandma
*Stable.....Occasional stalker but never arrested
*Thoughtful.....Says 'Please' when demanding a beer.

 

[JOKER96BRAVO]

*Open minded.....Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

I think this one should say:
Would like to have a threesome with you and your hot (female) friend if interested.

 

[Merlin1047]

A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord...

So far today, I am doing all right.
I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent.
I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.
I have not charged on my credit card.

However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that.

Amen.

 

[Joz]

*The only thing opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from another camera angle.
*Tanks would be far easier to rent.
*Garbage would take itself out.
*Lifeguards would remove citizens from beaches for violating the 'public ugliness' ordinance.
*The funniest guy would get to be CEO.
*Nodding & looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to, "I love you".

 

[5stringJeff]

*The only thing opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from another camera angle.
*Tanks would be far easier to rent.
*Garbage would take itself out.
*Lifeguards would remove citizens from beaches for violating the 'public ugliness' ordinance.
*The funniest guy would get to be CEO.
*Nodding & looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to, "I love you".

This would totally rule!!!

 

[CSM]

This would totally rule!!!

Renting a tank aint all its cracked up to be. Trust me, I know.

 

[Merlin1047]

*The only thing opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from another camera angle.
*Tanks would be far easier to rent.
*Garbage would take itself out.
*Lifeguards would remove citizens from beaches for violating the 'public ugliness' ordinance.
*The funniest guy would get to be CEO.
*Nodding & looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to, "I love you".

:hail: :hail: :hail: :hail:

LOL - I can't argue with those.

 

[CivilLiberty]

*40-ish.....52 looking for 25 year olds
*Athletic.....sits on the couch & watches ESPN
*Average looking.....Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back
*Educated.....Will always treat you like an idiot.

Okay - here are definitions of words WOMEN use:


Rubenesque -> Fat
Fluffy -> Fucking unbelievably fat, like, you know, Orca fat.
Natural Beauty -> Needs to shave. Her lip.
Fun! -> Expensive!
I'm Hot -> wears more makeup than a circus clown
I love you -> "I want to borrow your credit card"
Do you wanna hook up? -> "buy me an expensive dinner"
Let's be friends first -> "I wanna see how much money you've really got."
Independent -> trust fund baby
"Your place could use a woman's touch" -> "my trust fund just ran out and I wanna crash here".


Cheers!


A