Three Men and The Boy Who Lived (Baby Harry Potter fanfic/Parody)

Road Runner

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Jun 16, 2021
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I will eventually get back to my other HP fanfic when I'm not stuck anymore, but there are two more fanfics that I'm currently going to be doing. As the title says this is a baby Harry potter fanfic which will be a parody of Three Men and A Baby and Harry, We Shrunk Ourselves which is an obvious parody of Honey, I Shrunk The Kids. :D Anyways here's the plot and hopefully Thunk and mudwhistle (more Potterheads) will like this one better and my other upcoming one. :)



Description: After Harry Potter's parents are both murdered, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and a highly reluctant Severus Snape decide to take Harry in and raise him in the muggle world due to the fact that Sirius is in handing because he's the prime suspect in the betrayal that caused them to die and Voldemort might still be after Harry. Living without magic isn't as easy as they thought it would be especially with a highly powerful little wizard. Then word gets out that Harry's mother is actually still alive and wants to take him back to the wizarding world with her. How will the three men take the news knowing that they could possibly lose their magical mischief maker forever?






Chapter One: A New Family




It was Minerva McGonagall's worst nightmare ever. James and Lily Potter were dead and now because his aunt and uncle were the only remaining family members that their son Harry had left, he was forced to go live with them. Even if they were the worst muggles that she had ever seen. Rubeus Hagrid had wrapped the sleeping child up in a baby blanket and was about to place him on Vernon and Petunia Dursley's front step with a letter from Albus Dumbledore explaining everything.




"We can't just leave him here!" Minerva exclaimed forgetting that the child was fast asleep. "Harry Potter growing up in the muggle world is bad enough, but there's no way I can just allow all of the obvious abuse and torture that he will receive." She said as Hagrid was still weeping and filling his beard with tears.




"I'm sorry Minerva, but I'm afraid that there isn't any other way." Albus Dumbledore began before there was a moment of silence that passed between them.




"Well it just so happens that there is. Some other wizards have come forth willing to claim Harry for their own." She began as Albus looked at her with curiosity.




"Well in that case, do tell Minerva." He told her.




"Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Now I know that Mr. Black is currently wanted for both James and Lily's murder for telling their secret, but I know Sirius and he would never betray the Potters." She explained as Albus nodded.




"I agree but I think it is best due to Sirius' situation that Harry will still be raised in the muggle world. I too also have other name that I want to request that will raise him." He began before he paused. "Severus Snape." He said as Minerva's eyes widened.




"Severus? You must be joking! He hated the boy's father and James hated him in return as well." She pointed out.



"Yes, but he also loved Harry's mother and the child is now the only thing that he has left of her." Albus explained before he turned back to Hagrid. "Hagrid, I trust that I can leave the boy in your possession until I can speak with all three of Harry's soon to be new guardians?" He asked him as Hagrid nodded and picked Harry pick up.




"Yes Professor Dumbledore." He told him.



"Very well, in that case I best be getting back to Hogwarts." Albus said as he started walking back into the night and Minerva turned into her tabby cat form and then raced after him.


............................................................................................................................................................................................................





"You want me to do what!?" Severus snapped inside a whisper once Albus returned to the castle and had summoned him to his office and Albus was suddenly taken aback and raised an eyebrow at him.




"You do not wish to raise Harry Potter? He has his mother's blood and DNA after all." He pointed out.




"Yes, but I'm not exactly the fatherly type." Severus began. "And besides that, he's his son too." Severus told him and Albus just simply raised his eyebrow again.



"Certainly you're not trying to suggest that Harry is guilty for his father's actions against you?" He questioned him.




"Alright fine!" Severus exclaimed finally giving up. "Where is the child?" He wondered.





"Well, until I can get an owl to both Sirius and Remus, Harry is in the care of Rubeus Hagrid. Afterwards, all three of you will depart for the muggle world. It's much safer that way for both Harry and Sirius. After all, Voldemort might still be very much alive and Harry is already famous for something that he will never remember. He's far better growing up in a world where every child knows his name until he is ready." Albus explained as Severus nodded.




"Very well." He began before he started to turn away from him.



"Oh and one more thing Severus. Just because Harry must be in hiding until his eleventh birthday and highly protected doesn't mean that he should not have a friend. I suggest getting him a dog." Albus explained.




"I don't care for dogs." Severus told him while turning to leave his office, but that was because he didn't know anything about them and he would never come right out and admit it, but he sort of had a fear of them since Sirius often used to tease him with it by turning into one and chasing him and barking at him.



About a week or so later Albus finally managed to get ahold of both Remus and Sirius and had found a small cottage in the woods for them to stay in. Hagrid took Harry there on his motorbike and then handed him over to Sirius.




"Aww,.. he's sure a cute little guy and he's gotten rather big since the last time I've seen him." He said as Remus smiled rather warmly at the baby.




"He definitely has his mother's eyes." He pointed out and that's when Harry started sucking on his knuckles and then turned to look back over at Severus and studied him really closely as Severus stared back at him not quite sure what to think of the baby.




"Yes,.. he does." He began in agreement. "Now, what are we supposed to do with him?" He wondered.




"Well, right about now is Harry's lunchtime." Hagrid began. "I brought all of his favorite baby foods with me." He explained while opening up the baby bag and Harry let out a sneeze in front of Severus making him backup several feet rather quickly. Harry rubbed his nose and then smiled at him but Severus just simply rolled his eyes at him.



"Oh this is going to be fantastic." He muttered underneath his breath while Harry's grin just widened.
 
hopefully @Thunk and @mudwhistle (more Potterheads)

Not just a potterhead...I'm in to damn near everything!

Greek mythology.
Roman folklore.
Egyptian gods.
Norse mythology.
Comic books.
Regular books.
Harry Potter.
Stargate SG1.
And the ultimate fiction...the nightly news cast. :D
 
Btw, I will be working on this story more soon. :)
 
Chapter Two: Patches



After Sirius, Remus, and Severus all said goodbye to Hagrid, (and he hugged and kissed Harry goodbye) they took him inside and sat him down inside a highchair. "Alright, now do any of you have a clue about how to get babies to eat?" Remus questioned as he looked back and forth between Sirius and Severus.




"Do I look like I'm an open book when it comes to infants?" Severus asked him back. "However, as I grew up in the muggle world I do believe that parents tend to do something called an airplane or train or whatever it is." He told them.




"Well why don't you show us how it's done then?" Sirius suggested with a grin as Severus rolled his eyes again.



"Oh alright fine." He agreed reluctantly before he sat down in front of Harry while Remus opened his pumpkin sauce and then sat it down on top of the highchair and gave Severus the plastic blue spoon. Harry looked at Severus and blinked a few times. "Alright Potter." He began coldly as he only saw James when he looked at him.



"Severus Harry's just a baby, he won't understand why you're acting so cross with him." Remus explained to him.




"I... I didn't mean to." Severus began which was the truth and gazed at Harry but then shook his head to get himself out of his trance. "Alright Harry, let's give this a try." He began before he took the spoon, dipped it into the pumpkin sauce and then did a silent zooming motion with it and fed it into his mouth. Harry grinned and opened his mouth again and Severus couldn't help but smile at him.



"Well, it looks like it's a keeper." Sirius said as he smiled at them both and Severus repeated the process. "You know, I was thinking that before Harry goes down for a nap that we could take him to the children's playground early this afternoon." He suggested.




"I think that sounds like a wonderful idea, what about you Severus?" Remus asked him while he continued feeding Harry.



"Well as long as he has a jacket or a sweater or something. It's cold outside today." He responded as Remus just simply grinned and turned to look at Sirius.



"Well so much for not getting attached to Harry. That just went out the window like a fanged Frisbee." He said.



"What is Dumbledore going to say if he finds out that I'm not doing my job in taking care of the little half-pint? I would probably lose my job." Severus said trying to hide the fact that he was already starting to get attached to little Harry.




"Alright, sure. Whatever you say then Severus." Remus said with a knowing grin until all of a sudden all three of them smelled a disgusting stench in the air. "Phew!" He exclaimed while waving his hand in front of his face. "Well now that Severus just filled Harry up who's going to be the one to empty him out?" He wondered.



"Not it!" Sirius exclaimed quickly while turning around and running away.




"Not if I want to keep my sense of smell." Severus began. "And besides that I just fed the kid." He finished.



"Yeah well I got a stronger sense of smell than you, but I think that I can still handle it. Come on Harry, I'll give you a quick change and then one of you can read to Harry before his nap and the other can take bath time since he'll probably need it after going to the playground." Remus said as he lifted Harry out of his highchair.



"I'll take story time." Sirius began as he popped his head back into the kitchen and raised his hand. "I know all the classic children's stories by heart. My personal favorite is The Tale of The Three Brothers." He said.



"Well I think that Harry's a little bit too young for that one, but I'm sure that you can find another age appropriate story for him Sirius and Severus would you want to give Harry a bath tonight?" Remus asked him as Severus just silently looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Great, thanks!" He exclaimed with a grin before Harry started to fuss. "I know, I know I hear you." He said before carrying Harry back into his bedroom.




"When did I agree to giving the boy a bath?" Severus asked as he turned to look over at Sirius.




"Oh come on Sev! It isn't that different than giving a puppy a bath." Sirius told him with a wave of his hand but that's when Severus just simply scowled at him.



"I don't like puppies. They're... dogs." He responded coldly before turning to leave the room.



..............................................................................................................................................................................................



Harry took Sirius by the hand and toddled towards the bushes. "Be careful Harry don't touch that bush, there's thorns on it and you can hurt yourself." He warned him and that's when suddenly a high-pitched whimpering could be heard and Sirius looked down and saw a tiny white puppy with black patches on his back and a black face and a white stripe running through it and around his snout.



jack-russell-cost.jpg







"Oh you poor little guy. Here let me help you." Sirius began before handing Harry over to Remus and started gently tugging the puppy free.




"I wonder where he came from." Remus began as Sirius playfully grinned at him.



"Well you see Sirius, when a mummy dog and a daddy dog really love each other they,..." He began and that's when Sirius quickly covered Harry's ears.



"I know that part!" He snapped in a whisper. "I meant where in the world that this puppy came from. He doesn't even have a collar or license." He said when suddenly Harry's face lit up with excitement. Meanwhile Severus started opening his mouth to say something but then;




"Doggie!!!" He exclaimed with a squeal and gently started stroking his back. Sirius and Remus couldn't help but smile at him and a slow grin even started stretching across Severus' face as that's the first time he had heard Harry speak.




"That's right Harry, that is a doggie." Sirius began before he softly kissed his godson on the top of his head. "His mum and dad had a cat so he's already naturally very good with animals." He explained.




"So what happened to his cat?" Remus wondered.




"I don't know, but I think we found a new member of the family guys." Sirius said with a grin as the puppy started wagging his tail and licking Harry's face making him giggle.





"Oh no we don't! That puppy has to go straight back where he came from!" Severus exclaimed.



"How are we going to make sure of that Severus where we're not even sure where that is?" Remus asked him.



"Yeah, and besides,.. since he doesn't even have a collar license this black and white puppy with patches on his back is probably a stray." Sirius pointed out.




"Patches!!" Harry repeated in a squeal of excitement.




"Well if the dog has a name then he's one of the family now. We'll just have to get him some pet supplies and get him checked out at the vet to make sure he's healthy." Sirius said.



"Alright fine, whatever. Just keep him away from me!" Severus demanded.
 
Sorry I never got a chance to uploading yesterday btw, I got busy and I had to go to bed early since I had to go to the grocery store today.
 
Chapter Three: Daycares and Doctors



After Sirius, Remus, and Severus gathered pet supplies for Patches, they all took him to the vet and it turned out that he was perfectly healthy. Then they all went back to the cottage and Sirius told Harry the story of The Hopping Pot and put him down for his nap while meanwhile Patches chewed on his brand new bone and Remus and Severus began to chat.



"Well now that Patches has had his checkup I will assume that Harry will need his." Remus began.



"This isn't the wizarding world though, there aren't any healers here." Severus pointed out.



"I know, exactly. That's why we'll have to get Harry to a doctor. More specifically they call it a pediatrician as they specify in the health of babies and children." Remus explained.



"Well if there's something wrong with a boy how will a doctor help him if it's magic related?" Severus wondered.



"We won't know, but that's just the chance that we'll have to take." Remus began. "And we also should see that Harry finds friends his own age even though he isn't even two years old yet so I was thinking of finding a daycare available in the area." He finished.



"Daycare?" Severus began. "Isn't that the place where a bunch of undisciplined diapered brats who pick their noses and wipe it all over other children and sometimes physically pinch and hit them?" He growled. "We're not taking Harry there." He added curtly and that's when suddenly Remus raised an eyebrow at him.



"I thought that you didn't care for the boy?" He questioned him with uncertainty.



"I thought so too until Dumbledore reminded me that Harry is her son just as much as his and I won't have the last trace of Lily Evans harmed. I promised myself and Dumbledore... and Harry. Silently to Harry but still I think he got the picture." Severus responded.



"Well don't worry Severus, we'll see to it that Harry will be just fine and pick out a really good daycare for him and know that he will be well supervised. In ways of things to do we'll also need to go grocery shopping, get a license for Patches since that's the last thing on the list for him, and above everything else if we're going to blend in with the muggles around here we can't just keep walking everywhere it takes too long. We need to learn how to drive a vehicle." Remus told him.





"So doesn't that mean that Harry will need one of those baby seats?" Severus asked him as Remus nodded.



"Yes it does. Now Severus you grew up in the muggle world, so you would probably know how to work a telephone more than I would. So you'll be the one to get Harry a doctor's appointment." He told him when suddenly Sirius returned from the bedroom and shut the door quietly behind him.



"Harry's asleep." He whispered.



"Good. Sirius we have some business to discuss." Remus began quietly to him.




.....................................................................................................................................................................................................


Harry rode around inside the grocery cart that Sirius pushed while Remus and Severus picked out some food items from the shelves that Harry would like while he drank a bottle full of chocolate milk. That's when suddenly a woman with light brown hair pulled back into a ponytail and chestnut colored eyes passed them.




Inside the cart was a little girl about Harry's age holding a stuffed ginger cat. The woman turned to smile at Harry.



"Hello little one, what's your name?" She asked him.




"Harry." Sirius, Remus, and Severus all responded at exactly the same time as the woman looked confused and her eyes jumped between all three of them.




"So which one of you is his father?" She wondered.



"Uhh,.. none of us. Or all of us I suppose." Sirius began. "You see the poor child's an orphan so we're looking after him together." He explained.




"Oh I see well the poor little angel. Harry probably could use a friend right now and so could my Hermione. My husband and I take her to Little Haven which is the daycare up the street from where we live on Lily's Lane." The woman told them.




"Well that's a coincidence for you right there as Harry's mother was named Lily." Severus began.



"Oh well best friend is a woman named Lily too. I mean, she just moved in not too long ago. Lost her only son." The woman explained before heaving a sad sigh.



"You don't think___" Remus began quietly while looking over at Sirius and then at Severus.



"No it's impossible. Lily Potter is dead." Severus replied even though deep in his heart he still wasn't ready to accept it yet.



"Well, it was a pleasure meeting you Mrs..." Sirius began. "Monica." She began. "Monica Granger and nice meeting you all too. I hope that we can speak more on Monday if you decide to enroll Harry in daycare." She said as she turned and pushed the cart away from them.



"Alright, I have two thoughts on my mind right now." Remus began. "One, it just occurred to me Severus while we're on the subject of school, how can you still have your job at Hogwarts if you're with us helping to take care of Harry?" He wondered.




"I'm on a paid leave until further notice." Severus responded.



"Okay,.. so second question." Remus began. "What do you guys think about enrolling Harry in the daycare where Hermione is at?" He asked them.




"Sounds good to me." Sirius answered.



"Just give me some time to think about it. After all, all three of us want what's best for the child I take it." Severus said as Remus wrinkled his nose and then waved his hand in front of his face.



"Great, now that we got that all settled, who's turn is it to change him?" He wondered.



"Not mine." Sirius answered right away.



"And I changed him twice earlier. Once before his nap and once after his nap so that means that Severus it's on you." Remus told him.



"Don't look at me." Severus began. "I never changed a baby before." He finished.



"Well there's a first time for everything then." Remus began. "Sirius, why don't you and Severus change him together?" Remus suggested.



"Alright fine." Sirius agreed reluctantly before gently lifting baby Harry up inside his arms and then he and Severus walked towards the men's room together.
 
I was busy this weekend so now I'm glad I can upload chapter four as it is a really interesting one. :D



Chapter Four: J. Pippin's Potions




Harry looked up at Sirius as he was gently laid down on top of the changing table. "Alright, I'm going to take his pants off now, and after I remove his nappy I want you to be ready with a fresh one." He instructed Severus.



"You know I still can't figure out why not only am I helping to raise the son of my worst enemy, but two other of my worst enemies are helping me raise him. I mean, why am I even listening to you both in the first place?" He wondered.



"Oh I don't know, perhaps it's because of your love for Lily." Sirius told him while gently sliding off Harry's trousers and then started doing the straps of Harry's diaper. At that moment both Sirius and Severus started making gagging noises and vomited all over the floor and both in and over the trashcan.



Harry grinned and started giggling before Remus quickly hurried into the restroom with his wand raised. "What in the name of Merlin is going on in here!?" He exclaimed before heaving a deep breath knowing he couldn't just leave a mess in the restroom "Tergeo." He said while first pointing at the floor and gently moved it back and forth to wipe it clean and then did exactly the same thing with the trashcan.




Then he looked over at the wadded up diaper on top of the changing table and swished and flicked his wand. "Wingardium Leviosa." He said and then levitated it over towards the trashcan and then let it drop inside of it.



"You do realize that you could get us exposed in the muggle world by doing that don't you!?" Sirius cried out.



"Yes, but it's better than having a lifetime ban from the grocery store and we need to have food for Harry and ourselves." Remus explained while Harry grabbed his feet and rocked back and forth staring at Remus and his wand suddenly seeming very interested in it. After he blinked a few times and reached out for it Remus started to put a fresh diaper on him.





"No, no Harry. It's going to be another ten years before you can have one of these. A real one anyways." He told him since young wizard and witches often played with fake ones. After Harry was all changed Remus, Sirius, and Severus all went back to the cottage to put their groceries away.


Later that evening Severus kept his promise and gave Harry a bubble bath with unpoppable bubbles. He also gave him a blue rubber ducky that quacked and flew above the tub. He also had a rubber Chinese Water Dragon that swam and blew bubbles when it went underneath the water, a magical flying seahorse toy, and a right blue whale that sung and shot water out of his blowhole.





After Harry was washed and dried, Remus read Harry a bedtime story, (it was all about a friendly dragon that gets captured and sold to the circus and in the end he gets set free back into the wild) and he, Sirius, and Severus all tucked him into together and said goodnight.




It wasn't that long until Harry fell asleep, but a few hours later he woke up screaming his head off. Severus, Remus, and Sirius all ran out of their bedrooms nearly running each other over. "What's wrong Harry?" Sirius questioned him anxiously before cuddling him into his arms.




"My guess is that he was probably having a nightmare about his parents and the dark lord." Severus told him.



"Well, how do we get him back to sleep then?" Sirius wondered while gently bouncing Harry up and down on his hip and then rocking him side to side to try and get him to stop crying.




"I have an idea." Severus said as grabbed his robe and then went out through the front door. He started walking down the driveway before disapparating. He reappeared in front of J, Pippin's Potions' Shop. Thankfully he made it one hour before they would be closing for the night.




A witch with bright red hair that Severus could only see from the back and another witch and her daughter were in the shop, but other than that it was basically empty. Severus could hear as he passed the little dark haired and dark eyed girl that her mother was telling her that next year she would be going to Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry and that they would be making a lot of these potions herself and the girl sounded very excited. (Of course what they were doing there in Hogsmeade at this time of the night he didn't the slightest idea.)




That's when Severus found a shelf that the ginger haired woman was looking at in the far righthand corner. Considering that it only had sleeping potions on it Severus realized that the woman must have been having trouble sleeping herself. When she took a potion bottle up to the counter to pay for it, Severus could have sworn that she was crying about the loss of her infant son.





Severus quickly turned his head as she left the shop to see if he could get a look at her face but she had hurried away too quickly. Severus placed his money on top of the counter and the shop keeper was in a sudden state of confusion.





"Severus??" He questioned him with uncertainty. "What are you doing here?" He wondered. "And more importantly, why did you leave your teaching job at Hogwarts?" He asked him.




"I didn't permanently and I had to grab a potion to help Harry Potter sleep. He is having nightmares of the dark lord and the murder of his parents." Severus explained.




"Well I don't know what you've been told but Lily Potter is alive and kicking." He told him. "She was just in here saying that she needed the dreamless sleep potion to help her sleep as well. She told me she hasn't since what she thought the night that her son was killed. However, I told her that her son is very much alive and the whole entire wizarding world has been talking about him." He explained and Severus just froze.




The love of his life? The apple of his eye? Lily Potter? Alive? Harry's mother survived the curse as well? Maybe this would mean that he could be let off the hook of having to take care of Harry.



"Did she happen to mention where she lived?" He asked him but he just simply shook his head.



"No, I'm afraid not, just some muggle neighborhood like the one you're currently staying in." He told him as Severus paid the man and started thinking about what Hermione Granger's mother had said about her new best friend Lily that had moved into her neighborhood. He had to find out where she lived and the best way he could do that was enroll Harry into daycare.
 

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