Virginity (saving oneself for marriage)

[Mr. H.]

I see no cons in waiting to get married. The pros are that one remains disease free. One is more likely to see the true deep character of a prospective suiter and not circum to infatuation. God's word tells us that this is how couples should behave. There is no fear of a have to wedding. One has saved one's self for that special someome --- the best gift of all one can share with the person one marries. I feel that the person who waits is far less likey to regret getting married or becoming confused with one's own sexuality.

First marriage was to a gal that earned the right to wear white. That was a freakin' disaster. I think you gotta go around the block before you're ready to commit to a monogomist life... which eventually degrades into a celibate life.

It's ironic that premarital sex would be taken more seriously than pregnancy.

Were you a virgin also, or was it just the gal you first married?

I'd "known" a few gals over the years. Don't get me wrong, I truly loved this person but she had major baggage. I've even got a photo of our first argument... 20 seconds after we were married and walking down the aisle and out the Church. It was downhill after that. 13 years and three kids later, I bailed. If not, I would be dead.

 

[Delia]

What do you feel are the pros and cons of doing so? Can not waiting have a negative impact on the marriage?

I did choose to wait, but I was blessed to be in a relationship with a man who was on the exact same page as I was. We are also blessed because it turns out we are perfectly compatible.

Further! would you advise your daughter to wait?

What about your son.

I see no cons in waiting to get married. The pros are that one remains disease free. One is more likely to see the true deep character of a prospective suiter and not circum to infatuation. God's word tells us that this is how couples should behave. There is no fear of a have to wedding. One has saved one's self for that special someome --- the best gift of all one can share with the person one marries. I feel that the person who waits is far less likey to regret getting married or becoming confused with one's own sexuality.

I don't believe you can sidestep infatuation by not having sex. Falling in love kicks off with infatuation.

 

[Connery]

Sex is a beautiful part of life. I would not advocate waiting for marriage on principal, nor would I encourage promiscuity. I would simply advise my child that there will be a time where a sexual encounter would present it self in a relationship and at times it is spontaneous, at other times it is planned. Regardless, the intimacy is to be respected and the woman involved is to be cherished and the fact that she wanted to share that special part of herself is to be treasured is my son's heart, his trust and his body.

 

[Avatar4321]

If everyone in our generation kept the commandment of chastity before marriage and fidelity afterwards, we would wipe out EVERY STD in our generation. We would have significant less crime and mental health problems because the broken home contributes big time to both of those problems.

Imagine what we could also occur if men would flee from pornography and step up to the call of father hood while their wives stepped up to their call to motherhood. We would all be wealthier and more prosperous.

There would be significantly less lawyers. We wouldn't need them as much. Can anyone deny that would be a good thing? There would be less money spent by the government to maintain the courts. Medical costs would be less.

We could focus our resources onto more important things.

The world would be pretty darn sweet. We could unlock the potential of a lot of people who are now currently stuck in non-productive jobs.

 

[Avatar4321]

I think marriage liscences should have a learners permit period just like drivers liscences.

That would be called the engagement period.

 

[Avatar4321]

I don't believe you can sidestep infatuation by not having sex. Falling in love kicks off with infatuation.

Growing in love is much better than falling there.

 

[Vandalshandle]

If everyone in our generation kept the commandment of chastity before marriage and fidelity afterwards, we would wipe out EVERY STD in our generation. We would have significant less crime and mental health problems because the broken home contributes big time to both of those problems.

Imagine what we could also occur if men would flee from pornography and step up to the call of father hood while their wives stepped up to their call to motherhood. We would all be wealthier and more prosperous.

There would be significantly less lawyers. We wouldn't need them as much. Can anyone deny that would be a good thing? There would be less money spent by the government to maintain the courts. Medical costs would be less.

We could focus our resources onto more important things.

The world would be pretty darn sweet. We could unlock the potential of a lot of people who are now currently stuck in non-productive jobs.

It might be confusing, because we would all be named Ward, and June, and every conversation would start with the words, "Ward, I'm worried about the Beaver..."

 

[Wry Catcher]

Youth is wasted on the young. The young should engage life to the fullest, IMHO.

 

[Avatar4321]

It might be confusing, because we would all be named Ward, and June, and every conversation would start with the words, "Ward, I'm worried about the Beaver..."

So you'd be confused because you prefer to remain in ignorance. That's not terribly surprising. Try seeking and living the truth. Youll be much happier and know what's going on.

 

[Foxfyre]

Bookmarking for comment in the morning. On my way to find my pillow now.

 

[Mr. H.]

Hey Ms. F. WAKE UP!
The coffee's a-brewin'.

 

[Foxfyre]

Okay, I've thought about it overnight and considered the changing 'normal' in our American culture. In my lifetime I have seen us go from a norm of only the trashiest and immoral people would live together without benefit of marriage to cohabitation before marriage being the cultural norm by something between 50 and 60%.

In the same length of time, the cultural norm has gone from 'save it for marriage' to be sure you have a condom in your purse or pocket at all times just in case. Sex before marriage no longer tars somebody as a 'playboy' or 'loose woman' and living together is no longer considered a character flaw.

The upside to all that is the vanished 'scarlet letter' and much less negative side of shame.

The downside is a huge increase in STDs, many more unwanted pregnancies and abortions, a huge increase in single parents with resulting increased negative statistics of child poverty and other problems, a huge increase in divorce, higher incidence of domestic violence, and women being 'used' and then discarded by men who will tell them anything just to acquire a warm place to put it for awhile.

I haven't looked them up lately, but I recall reading statistics that living together before marriage actually increases the probability of divorce after marriage, probably because the relation starts off with no clear commitment to each other. Also among both men and women, those who are promiscuous before marriage are less likely to be faithful after marriage and for most people, that one is a biggie when it comes to the qualities that make for good marriages.

And of course there are those who are just as convinced that the opposite of the statistics is the real truth.

I counsel young people to at least commit to a ring and a date before having sex. And the vast majority of those who do that go on to get married and from all indications are enjoying happy marriages that will last.

 

[rightwinger]

Before a couple gets married I think they should have....

1. Hot, sweaty passionate sex
2. One kickass no holds barred fight

Its the only way to know you are compatible

 

[Delia]

Okay, I've thought about it overnight and considered the changing 'normal' in our American culture. In my lifetime I have seen us go from a norm of only the trashiest and immoral people would live together without benefit of marriage to cohabitation before marriage being the cultural norm by something between 50 and 60%.

In the same length of time, the cultural norm has gone from 'save it for marriage' to be sure you have a condom in your purse or pocket at all times just in case. Sex before marriage no longer tars somebody as a 'playboy' or 'loose woman' and living together is no longer considered a character flaw.

The upside to all that is the vanished 'scarlet letter' and much less negative side of shame.

The downside is a huge increase in STDs, many more unwanted pregnancies and abortions, a huge increase in single parents with resulting increased negative statistics of child poverty and other problems, a huge increase in divorce, higher incidence of domestic violence, and women being 'used' and then discarded by men who will tell them anything just to acquire a warm place to put it for awhile.

I haven't looked them up lately, but I recall reading statistics that living together before marriage actually increases the probability of divorce after marriage, probably because the relation starts off with no clear commitment to each other. Also among both men and women, those who are promiscuous before marriage are less likely to be faithful after marriage and for most people, that one is a biggie when it comes to the qualities that make for good marriages.

And of course there are those who are just as convinced that the opposite of the statistics is the real truth.

I counsel young people to at least commit to a ring and a date before having sex. And the vast majority of those who do that go on to get married and from all indications are enjoying happy marriages that will last.

From my several generations down perspective, a lot of people chose to live together because divorce caused so many scars. I don't know the 'why' of that, because divorce is no different than ending a long-term relationship that has run its course.

When people don't have a spiritual background, then they live their lives as they see fit. When somebody does come from a spiritual background, and still chooses to cohabit - I find that odd. Just as I find it odd when those who have a spiritual background become sexually active.

Which is why I also find it odd that gays are denied the right to marriage. If sex is only acceptable when you are married, and they cannot marry - that seems a bit cruel.

Of course, in their shoes, I would just take my vows before God, without church or state officiating.

 

[AmyNation]

I was raised Roman Catholic. Until I went to college my life was immersed in the Church, and yet I choose to live with my husband before we married.

It was a matter of money. I would have lost my scholarships to college had we married.

 

[Delia]

I was raised Roman Catholic. Until I went to college my life was immersed in the Church, and yet I choose to live with my husband before we married.

It was a matter of money. I would have lost my scholarships to college had we married.

I can't say I would or would not have done the same in your shoes, but I still would have done what I said above (vows before God).

 

[Foxfyre]

Okay, I've thought about it overnight and considered the changing 'normal' in our American culture. In my lifetime I have seen us go from a norm of only the trashiest and immoral people would live together without benefit of marriage to cohabitation before marriage being the cultural norm by something between 50 and 60%.

In the same length of time, the cultural norm has gone from 'save it for marriage' to be sure you have a condom in your purse or pocket at all times just in case. Sex before marriage no longer tars somebody as a 'playboy' or 'loose woman' and living together is no longer considered a character flaw.

The upside to all that is the vanished 'scarlet letter' and much less negative side of shame.

The downside is a huge increase in STDs, many more unwanted pregnancies and abortions, a huge increase in single parents with resulting increased negative statistics of child poverty and other problems, a huge increase in divorce, higher incidence of domestic violence, and women being 'used' and then discarded by men who will tell them anything just to acquire a warm place to put it for awhile.

I haven't looked them up lately, but I recall reading statistics that living together before marriage actually increases the probability of divorce after marriage, probably because the relation starts off with no clear commitment to each other. Also among both men and women, those who are promiscuous before marriage are less likely to be faithful after marriage and for most people, that one is a biggie when it comes to the qualities that make for good marriages.

And of course there are those who are just as convinced that the opposite of the statistics is the real truth.

I counsel young people to at least commit to a ring and a date before having sex. And the vast majority of those who do that go on to get married and from all indications are enjoying happy marriages that will last.

From my several generations down perspective, a lot of people chose to live together because divorce caused so many scars. I don't know the 'why' of that, because divorce is no different than ending a long-term relationship that has run its course.

When people don't have a spiritual background, then they live their lives as they see fit. When somebody does come from a spiritual background, and still chooses to cohabit - I find that odd. Just as I find it odd when those who have a spiritual background become sexually active.

Which is why I also find it odd that gays are denied the right to marriage. If sex is only acceptable when you are married, and they cannot marry - that seems a bit cruel.

Of course, in their shoes, I would just take my vows before God, without church or state officiating.

All marriage laws are in place almost exclusively for the purpose of recording family lineage and for protection of any children produced in a marriage union. And because I think that is so important, I defend and encoruage protection of traditional marriage and, while I know there are perfectly valid reasons that it can't be, I strongly believe the best circumstance for all children is to have a mom and dad who love them and who love each other. When the definition of marriage is a permanent union between a man and woman, you cannot change that definition without making marriage something different than it is.

I also strongly think gays in a committed relationship should have equal legal protection so far as inheritance rights, community property, etc. as is enjoyed by heterosexual couples and strongly support legalized unions comparable to marriage. I just want them to call it something other than marriage.

I think a great many of our current societal problems come from a weakening and dismissal of marriage as the norm for people. And a society that encourages sexual promiscuity I believe to be a large contributor to that.

Is a clearer and more profitable view of what the societal norms should be more prevalent among people of faith? Probably. That is something to consider anyway.

 

[High_Gravity]

What do you feel are the pros and cons of doing so? Can not waiting have a negative impact on the marriage?

I did choose to wait, but I was blessed to be in a relationship with a man who was on the exact same page as I was. We are also blessed because it turns out we are perfectly compatible.

Further! would you advise your daughter to wait?

What about your son.

In a perfect world it would be ideal however with our sky high divorce rates, you can wait until your wedding day and end up being with other people anyways once you divorce.

 

[Montrovant]

Okay, I've thought about it overnight and considered the changing 'normal' in our American culture. In my lifetime I have seen us go from a norm of only the trashiest and immoral people would live together without benefit of marriage to cohabitation before marriage being the cultural norm by something between 50 and 60%.

In the same length of time, the cultural norm has gone from 'save it for marriage' to be sure you have a condom in your purse or pocket at all times just in case. Sex before marriage no longer tars somebody as a 'playboy' or 'loose woman' and living together is no longer considered a character flaw.

The upside to all that is the vanished 'scarlet letter' and much less negative side of shame.

The downside is a huge increase in STDs, many more unwanted pregnancies and abortions, a huge increase in single parents with resulting increased negative statistics of child poverty and other problems, a huge increase in divorce, higher incidence of domestic violence, and women being 'used' and then discarded by men who will tell them anything just to acquire a warm place to put it for awhile.

I haven't looked them up lately, but I recall reading statistics that living together before marriage actually increases the probability of divorce after marriage, probably because the relation starts off with no clear commitment to each other. Also among both men and women, those who are promiscuous before marriage are less likely to be faithful after marriage and for most people, that one is a biggie when it comes to the qualities that make for good marriages.

And of course there are those who are just as convinced that the opposite of the statistics is the real truth.

I counsel young people to at least commit to a ring and a date before having sex. And the vast majority of those who do that go on to get married and from all indications are enjoying happy marriages that will last.

I actually just looked some of this stuff up and you might be surprised at some of the numbers floating around (although, of course, their accuracy is always a question).

Cohabitation before marriage may depend on where you live. One site had those who live together before marriage in the US and UK being more likely to divorce, but those who do it in France and Germany being less likely. That would seem to indicate more to the issue than just living together.

There was a site which said that 3% of Americans currently save themselves for marriage. The same site (which was based on saving yourself for marriage, if it matters) had people in the 1950s saving themselves at an 11% rate. While a much higher percentage than today, that's still 89% of people in the 50s having premarital sex. That would indicate that, while people may have preached the values of saving yourself for marriage more in the past, they did not practice what they preached all that often.

There doesn't seem to be a lot of research in this vein, or at least not easily accessible research (unless my search parameters have been terrible, always a possibility! ). I'm not sure if there is even a good general rule, especially factoring in different societal norms and pressures. At the very least, I think people from all sides of this can agree that 'be cautious' is probably good advice!

 

[Delia]

What do you feel are the pros and cons of doing so? Can not waiting have a negative impact on the marriage?

I did choose to wait, but I was blessed to be in a relationship with a man who was on the exact same page as I was. We are also blessed because it turns out we are perfectly compatible.

Further! would you advise your daughter to wait?

What about your son.

In a perfect world it would be ideal however with our sky high divorce rates, you can wait until your wedding day and end up being with other people anyways once you divorce.

I thought I read awhile back that our divorce rates had dropped. I'll have to do some research.