Also, I'm angry at God. Almost all the bad things that have happened to me is because my personality is defective due to the shitty things my mother did to me. I've prayed and prayed and God kept allowing these bad things to happen. I got so angry I stopped going to Mass. I was a bad example for my children and now they don't go to Mass either.
If you were going to mass and celebrating the death of Jesus and worshipping and eating a trinity on your knees in the form of a handy snack food, no wonder God did nothing.
If you planted a handful of seeds and only one germinated and started to grow, which of the seeds would you care for? The one that is living and growing above the dust of the earth. Right?
In the same way God , the God of the living, does nothing for the dead. He focuses on the living even if there is only one.
Not going to mass is a good start. What species of creature in all of creation would ritually and brazenly celebrate the death of Jesus and defy the law of God anyway? Think! You can do it!
Do not doubt the power of God to heal you of every wound that you ever suffered during childhood and since.
Remember what Jesus said, " blessed are the pure of mind for they shall see God."
The thoughts in your mind that are causing you despair are not of God. You must extirpate such thoughts from your mind like anyone would uproot the weeds in their garden so that the good seed can grow and bear fruit that is pleasing to the eye and good to eat.
You want God to heal you? Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Everyone has a story.
Till the soil which is your mind... No one can do it for you.
Mass is the celebration of the last supper, hobelim.
It is because you don't have enough faith that God loved man so much that he chose to be born into this world to testify to the truth and to suffer death to reconcile justice with mercy that you don't believe it is possible that God can manifest his spirit into the host for no other reason than we have faith that he will if we ask.
So God will never manifest his spirit into the host for you. So what you are describing is what it would be like for you, not me or anyone else who has faith in God.
The mass is a sick and perverse fourth century Roman joke, an expression of pure hatred for both Jesus and the Jewish God, his Father, a relational metaphor, and an open demonstration of contempt for the divine commands which reduces the teaching of Jesus into a lifeless matzo made by human hands that you worship, eat, and then shit down the toilet.
And I do not believe that God can manifest his spirit into something without life, not because I lack faith but because I have faith. And I do not believe that defying the divine commands is the way to eternal life because I have known how to read since the first grade and scripture clearly states that the only possible consequence for idolatry is death.
And, my dear friend, your ridiculous claims about God being edible is proof of that death.
You don't even have the sense to question why you "celebrate" the death of Jesus every other sunday and high holiday when it is the life in his teaching, words from God, not a man made matzo, that gives life.
You don't understand a ******* thing. You see only what you want to see. you believe in lies. You are dead and have been for decades. You are unrepentant and so you remain unforgiven.
If you had any faith at all you would have rejected Church teaching in the second grade. Apparently, you have been consigned to destruction. Enjoy!