My Friend Bill

[Lord Long Rod]

I was dicking around in my garage, making a mental note on all the projects I need to finish, when my buddy, Billy Joe-Ray, rang me up. He asked me if I wanted to go to Panera with him. I said, “SHIT YEAH!!”. Then he replied that he was on his way to get me.



Of course, I thought he said “Pantera”, as in going to the Pantera concert that night at Skull Bottom Amphitheater to see the new lineup, with Zakk Wilde on guitar. Imagine my surprise when we showed up at Panera Bread instead.



“Well, here we are, Rod!”, said Billy. “Here we are what?”, I asked. Billy suggested we go in for lunch. I said, “I’m not going into that faggot joint. Let’s get to the fucking show and tailgate!!”. Confused, Billy queried me about this “show”. It was at this point that I learned there was no Pantera show in my future.



“Goddamnit, Billy!!! You fucked up my entire Saturday afternoon!!! Now I am gonna walk past the Cemetary Gates and put my size 11 boot up yer ass!!! And for what?!? Woke sandwiches?” After a couple lines of blow as we sat in Billy’s Jeep listening to his “Far Beyond Driven” cassette, I began to calm down. Billy even talked me into going into what I called the “Butt Buffet”.



Billy got a salad to eat, along with some sort of fruity drink. I had water and nothing else. Frankly, I did not even trust the water. As Billy was eating, I noticed something I had never seen before. I asked, “Billy. What the fuck is that in your ears?!?” But I knew the answer already. Billy was wearing earrings. Come to think of it, there were other changes in Billy. He had him some knew duds on. He was wearing them skin tight jeans fer skinny fellas. I also noticed that old Billy was trimming his mustache and beard just a little too primly. Something weren’t right.



Then Billy looked into my eyes and said, “Lord Long Rod, there is something I have to tell you.” I thought to myself, “Mother of God. Hear it comes. He is coming out to me as queer”. Instinctively, I reached to my right hip to assure myself that I had remembered to holster my .357 magnum this morning. I had.



“Stop it!!!”, I demanded. “Billy, Goddmanit! I don’t want to fucking hear it. I mean, if’n ya’ll is gay, then fine. I ain’t got no problem with that. But just understand that I can’t be friends with ya anymore. Plus, I am going to out yer ass to the entire gun club!!! It’s fer yer own good too. Otherwise, brother Adolph will gut you!”



Billy protested. “But, Rod… I ain’t no queer!!” I retorted, “Goddamnit, Bill, look around you!! We are in a woke wet dream here, and you are dressed like a faggot!” But old Bill continued to protest his innocence. Finally, I asked him, “Well, if you ain’t queer, why is you acting all queer?”



Bill sighed, looked down, and then looked me in the eye. “It’s Bertha, Rod”, he said. “You remember when she went back to school to get her degree in diesel mechanics?” I did not remember at all, but nodded as if I did. Bill continued.



“Well, Rod, while she was in school the wokesters got to her. They turned into a woke white woman!”. I shook my head and said, “Ohhhhh shit!” Bill nodded, then continued. “The next thing I know she is never home. She is spending all her time at anti-Jew rallies, and anti-Trump rallies, and pro-baby murder rallies, and all that shit. Now the only time I gits to see her is if I act like one of them!”



I nodded to myself. I understood what was going on now, and my diagnosis was spot-on. I looked at old Bill and said, “So, since old Bertha done went woke on you, you decided to become some sort of cucked-up soy boy so she would be around you?” Bill nodded sadly.



I mean, in a way it is sort of sweet. Old Bill loves Bertha so much that he is willing to emasculate himself just to be with his sweetheart. And this, after 20 years of marriage. Jesus…. I have never known such true love in my life, nor will I ever know it. On the other hand …



I slapped the unholy shit out of Bill. I said, “Bill, Goddamnit!!! If you want more time with yer woman, then snatch her up outa that damned school and drag her ass home!! Tell her its either you or the school! For fuck’s sake, BE A MAN!!!!”



Bill told me that he had already done that and Bertha chose the school over him. So his next ploy was to go cuck. So far, it seems to be working. For example, she lets Bill hang with her even when she is being railed by black dudes in thar marital bed.



I knew what I needed to do. I reached my right hand back to my hip and slid it around the grips on my .357 mag. My poor old buddy, Bill, was hurting, and not even a 10 pound bigmouth bass on the end of his pole is gonna bring him back from this. I guessed that I could take him under my wing and be a friend to him. I could take him down to the ‘Toothless Titty’ and get him layed. But all that sounded like way more involvement than I wanted to have in this here situation. So, I decided to go with the gun instead.



On the way home that night I could not help but feel a little bad for poor old Bill. He got totally cucked for that bitch Bertha. Hell, he even drives this here shitty Jeep thingamajig just so that they could afford for Bertha to drive a German car. Goddamnit, that man LOVED that woman! And she treated him so bad.



I drove by old Bill’s house to see if the bitch was home. She was not. I figured, what the hell? I got inside and got all his fishing gear and guns. Why let that damned old two-timing Bertha have it?!? This is JUSTICE! For Bill!! I also confiscated everything in Bill’s bar, and his collection of Mexican midget porn. Fuck that bitch!!!!



Finally, for the ultimate act of vengeance, I hooked up old Bill’s Ranger bass boat to my new Jeep and drove off with it!! “FOR BILL!!!!” I shouted. Now, ever time I am up in Wendigo Slough fishin fer bass, I think fondly of old Bill. Thank God I had to good sense to euthanize that man from all the pain and heart ache he was sufferin. May he rest in peace.

 

[mamooth]

You left out the part where he made sweet love to you.

I guess some things are just assumed.

 

[JackOfNoTrades]

You left out the part where he made sweet love to you.

I guess some things are just assumed.

I was thinking the same thing.
How homoerotic can you get?

 

[Robert W]

I was dicking around in my garage, making a mental note on all the projects I need to finish, when my buddy, Billy Joe-Ray, rang me up. He asked me if I wanted to go to Panera with him. I said, “SHIT YEAH!!”. Then he replied that he was on his way to get me.



Of course, I thought he said “Pantera”, as in going to the Pantera concert that night at Skull Bottom Amphitheater to see the new lineup, with Zakk Wilde on guitar. Imagine my surprise when we showed up at Panera Bread instead.



“Well, here we are, Rod!”, said Billy. “Here we are what?”, I asked. Billy suggested we go in for lunch. I said, “I’m not going into that faggot joint. Let’s get to the fucking show and tailgate!!”. Confused, Billy queried me about this “show”. It was at this point that I learned there was no Pantera show in my future.



“Goddamnit, Billy!!! You fucked up my entire Saturday afternoon!!! Now I am gonna walk past the Cemetary Gates and put my size 11 boot up yer ass!!! And for what?!? Woke sandwiches?” After a couple lines of blow as we sat in Billy’s Jeep listening to his “Far Beyond Driven” cassette, I began to calm down. Billy even talked me into going into what I called the “Butt Buffet”.



Billy got a salad to eat, along with some sort of fruity drink. I had water and nothing else. Frankly, I did not even trust the water. As Billy was eating, I noticed something I had never seen before. I asked, “Billy. What the fuck is that in your ears?!?” But I knew the answer already. Billy was wearing earrings. Come to think of it, there were other changes in Billy. He had him some knew duds on. He was wearing them skin tight jeans fer skinny fellas. I also noticed that old Billy was trimming his mustache and beard just a little too primly. Something weren’t right.



Then Billy looked into my eyes and said, “Lord Long Rod, there is something I have to tell you.” I thought to myself, “Mother of God. Hear it comes. He is coming out to me as queer”. Instinctively, I reached to my right hip to assure myself that I had remembered to holster my .357 magnum this morning. I had.



“Stop it!!!”, I demanded. “Billy, Goddmanit! I don’t want to fucking hear it. I mean, if’n ya’ll is gay, then fine. I ain’t got no problem with that. But just understand that I can’t be friends with ya anymore. Plus, I am going to out yer ass to the entire gun club!!! It’s fer yer own good too. Otherwise, brother Adolph will gut you!”



Billy protested. “But, Rod… I ain’t no queer!!” I retorted, “Goddamnit, Bill, look around you!! We are in a woke wet dream here, and you are dressed like a faggot!” But old Bill continued to protest his innocence. Finally, I asked him, “Well, if you ain’t queer, why is you acting all queer?”



Bill sighed, looked down, and then looked me in the eye. “It’s Bertha, Rod”, he said. “You remember when she went back to school to get her degree in diesel mechanics?” I did not remember at all, but nodded as if I did. Bill continued.



“Well, Rod, while she was in school the wokesters got to her. They turned into a woke white woman!”. I shook my head and said, “Ohhhhh shit!” Bill nodded, then continued. “The next thing I know she is never home. She is spending all her time at anti-Jew rallies, and anti-Trump rallies, and pro-baby murder rallies, and all that shit. Now the only time I gits to see her is if I act like one of them!”



I nodded to myself. I understood what was going on now, and my diagnosis was spot-on. I looked at old Bill and said, “So, since old Bertha done went woke on you, you decided to become some sort of cucked-up soy boy so she would be around you?” Bill nodded sadly.



I mean, in a way it is sort of sweet. Old Bill loves Bertha so much that he is willing to emasculate himself just to be with his sweetheart. And this, after 20 years of marriage. Jesus…. I have never known such true love in my life, nor will I ever know it. On the other hand …



I slapped the unholy shit out of Bill. I said, “Bill, Goddamnit!!! If you want more time with yer woman, then snatch her up outa that damned school and drag her ass home!! Tell her its either you or the school! For fuck’s sake, BE A MAN!!!!”



Bill told me that he had already done that and Bertha chose the school over him. So his next ploy was to go cuck. So far, it seems to be working. For example, she lets Bill hang with her even when she is being railed by black dudes in thar marital bed.



I knew what I needed to do. I reached my right hand back to my hip and slid it around the grips on my .357 mag. My poor old buddy, Bill, was hurting, and not even a 10 pound bigmouth bass on the end of his pole is gonna bring him back from this. I guessed that I could take him under my wing and be a friend to him. I could take him down to the ‘Toothless Titty’ and get him layed. But all that sounded like way more involvement than I wanted to have in this here situation. So, I decided to go with the gun instead.



On the way home that night I could not help but feel a little bad for poor old Bill. He got totally cucked for that bitch Bertha. Hell, he even drives this here shitty Jeep thingamajig just so that they could afford for Bertha to drive a German car. Goddamnit, that man LOVED that woman! And she treated him so bad.



I drove by old Bill’s house to see if the bitch was home. She was not. I figured, what the hell? I got inside and got all his fishing gear and guns. Why let that damned old two-timing Bertha have it?!? This is JUSTICE! For Bill!! I also confiscated everything in Bill’s bar, and his collection of Mexican midget porn. Fuck that bitch!!!!



Finally, for the ultimate act of vengeance, I hooked up old Bill’s Ranger bass boat to my new Jeep and drove off with it!! “FOR BILL!!!!” I shouted. Now, ever time I am up in Wendigo Slough fishin fer bass, I think fondly of old Bill. Thank God I had to good sense to euthanize that man from all the pain and heart ache he was sufferin. May he rest in peace.

Your story would improve had you used a genuine location. I printed it for my son to read and bust a gut laughing.

 

[Lord Long Rod]

I was thinking the same thing.
How homoerotic can you get?

You tell me.

 

[DGS49]

Are we all aware that AA meetings are often advertised as meetings of "Friends of Bill"? For example, on a cruise ship.