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- Nov 17, 2003
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SIMI VALLEY, CA--Slave manpower was doubled this week in an effort to
assure that erection of the gigantic Reagan Pyramid remains on schedule,
and will be completed in time for the 40th President's mummification and
ascension into the Afterworld upon death.
With doctors concurring that the former leader, suffering from
Alzheimer's, is expected to die within two years, swift completion of the
towering structure is "of paramount priority," according to Republican
party insiders.
"Only the most gigantic tomb ever created will be worthy of the Great
Communicator," said former Reagan Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger.
"As his mortal subjects, it is our holy duty to provide Reagan with a
burial commensurate with his stature, in order that he may enter the Realm
of Death bedecked with raiments and honors so that he may take his
rightful place beside the mighty Sun God, Ra."
>From his ranch estate, the bedridden Reagan responded, saying, "Ra."
According to project overseer and Reagan Attorney General Edwin Meese, the
118,000-ton pyramid, which is visible from a distance of over 40 miles and
has already cost the lives of some 50,000 slaves, will serve not only as
Reagan's conduit to the Empire of the Gods, but also as an earthly
repository of the deified Republican's vast wealth.
"Buried with Reagan will be his finest treasures," Meese said, "including
2,500 MX intercontinental ballistic missiles, 15 Stealth bombers, a golden
chalice of jelly beans and his most prized servant, George Bush."
Bush told reporters, "It is my honor and duty to have my sinus passages
ceremonially packed with sand before my still-living, pain-racked body is
forever locked with my leader's within the Great Reagan's final resting
place. Let us all praise Osiris."
The former President's mummified husk will be placed in the burial chamber
as perfectly intact as possible. To this end, Reagan's internal organs
have already been removed and preserved, encased in ornate protective
ceramic vessels and sealed in beeswax.
"This is the spleen that brought down the Evil Russian Empire," said
Reagan Chief of Staff James Baker, holding aloft several of Reagan's
just-removed innards. "And these are the lungs that ended the Great Iran
Hostage Crisis, caused by his weak predecessor, Carter I. Hail Reagan."
According to reports, the massive burial monument staggers the imagination
of all who behold it in its sheer splendor and majesty. Exquisite
engravings, inlaid with gold and silver leaf and precious jewels, depict
the cycle of the Reaganic Creation Myth, with the deified Reagan
symbolically castrated by his mother, giving birth to the sun and moon,
and then being dismembered by Set, his scattered bodily fragments forming
the stars of the night sky.
Despite the great sanctity of its Inner Chamber, the Reagan Pyramid may
attract Hittite raiders bent on desecrating and robbing it of its vast
treasuries of gold, jewels, fine dyed cloth, rare Hollywood movie stills
and a parchment from A.D.. 1982 depicting a $1.3 trillion Defense
Department budget increase.
"Thieves and infidels must not violate the Great Reagan's sanctity!"
Reagan high-priest Michael Deaver said. "All those who tread these halls
without the Seven Keys of Sununu will die victims of the dreaded Curse of
Reagan's Tomb!"
He later added, "Mwahh ha ha ha ha!"
The tomb will also be protected from Hittite marauders by a fleet of
overhead Stealth bombers, biological and chemical warfare installations
surrounding its base, and a $200 billion orbital "Star Wars" defense
system.
Though the tomb itself will be off limits to all non-divine earthly
beings, the general public will be allowed access to a nearby altar and
bronze idol of Reagan, where Republican pilgrims may come to worship the
former President and petition his intervention in prayer.
A gigantic statuary portrait of the President, standing over 100 feet
high, will also gaze down on worshippers from a gigantic pedestal adorned
with the inscription, "I Am Ronald Wilson Reagan, King of Kings. Look On
My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair."
>From his bed, Reagan praised the work of his mortal subjects: "Pill
lady," he said. "Pill."
Copyright 1996 ONION, INC., All Rights Reserved. Technical
questions/comments? Contact Tech Support Editorial questions/comments?
Contact Editorial Advertising/Sponsorship inquiries? Contact Business
Just cause there's too much Reagan love on this board, Isaac.
assure that erection of the gigantic Reagan Pyramid remains on schedule,
and will be completed in time for the 40th President's mummification and
ascension into the Afterworld upon death.
With doctors concurring that the former leader, suffering from
Alzheimer's, is expected to die within two years, swift completion of the
towering structure is "of paramount priority," according to Republican
party insiders.
"Only the most gigantic tomb ever created will be worthy of the Great
Communicator," said former Reagan Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger.
"As his mortal subjects, it is our holy duty to provide Reagan with a
burial commensurate with his stature, in order that he may enter the Realm
of Death bedecked with raiments and honors so that he may take his
rightful place beside the mighty Sun God, Ra."
>From his ranch estate, the bedridden Reagan responded, saying, "Ra."
According to project overseer and Reagan Attorney General Edwin Meese, the
118,000-ton pyramid, which is visible from a distance of over 40 miles and
has already cost the lives of some 50,000 slaves, will serve not only as
Reagan's conduit to the Empire of the Gods, but also as an earthly
repository of the deified Republican's vast wealth.
"Buried with Reagan will be his finest treasures," Meese said, "including
2,500 MX intercontinental ballistic missiles, 15 Stealth bombers, a golden
chalice of jelly beans and his most prized servant, George Bush."
Bush told reporters, "It is my honor and duty to have my sinus passages
ceremonially packed with sand before my still-living, pain-racked body is
forever locked with my leader's within the Great Reagan's final resting
place. Let us all praise Osiris."
The former President's mummified husk will be placed in the burial chamber
as perfectly intact as possible. To this end, Reagan's internal organs
have already been removed and preserved, encased in ornate protective
ceramic vessels and sealed in beeswax.
"This is the spleen that brought down the Evil Russian Empire," said
Reagan Chief of Staff James Baker, holding aloft several of Reagan's
just-removed innards. "And these are the lungs that ended the Great Iran
Hostage Crisis, caused by his weak predecessor, Carter I. Hail Reagan."
According to reports, the massive burial monument staggers the imagination
of all who behold it in its sheer splendor and majesty. Exquisite
engravings, inlaid with gold and silver leaf and precious jewels, depict
the cycle of the Reaganic Creation Myth, with the deified Reagan
symbolically castrated by his mother, giving birth to the sun and moon,
and then being dismembered by Set, his scattered bodily fragments forming
the stars of the night sky.
Despite the great sanctity of its Inner Chamber, the Reagan Pyramid may
attract Hittite raiders bent on desecrating and robbing it of its vast
treasuries of gold, jewels, fine dyed cloth, rare Hollywood movie stills
and a parchment from A.D.. 1982 depicting a $1.3 trillion Defense
Department budget increase.
"Thieves and infidels must not violate the Great Reagan's sanctity!"
Reagan high-priest Michael Deaver said. "All those who tread these halls
without the Seven Keys of Sununu will die victims of the dreaded Curse of
Reagan's Tomb!"
He later added, "Mwahh ha ha ha ha!"
The tomb will also be protected from Hittite marauders by a fleet of
overhead Stealth bombers, biological and chemical warfare installations
surrounding its base, and a $200 billion orbital "Star Wars" defense
system.
Though the tomb itself will be off limits to all non-divine earthly
beings, the general public will be allowed access to a nearby altar and
bronze idol of Reagan, where Republican pilgrims may come to worship the
former President and petition his intervention in prayer.
A gigantic statuary portrait of the President, standing over 100 feet
high, will also gaze down on worshippers from a gigantic pedestal adorned
with the inscription, "I Am Ronald Wilson Reagan, King of Kings. Look On
My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair."
>From his bed, Reagan praised the work of his mortal subjects: "Pill
lady," he said. "Pill."
Copyright 1996 ONION, INC., All Rights Reserved. Technical
questions/comments? Contact Tech Support Editorial questions/comments?
Contact Editorial Advertising/Sponsorship inquiries? Contact Business
Just cause there's too much Reagan love on this board, Isaac.
