A serious discussion, I need some feedback

[xsited1]

I have two children, one is my 2 year old son, and the other is my 6 year old daughter. My daughter is not mine biologically. I've been her father figure since she was 2.

I love the little girl with all my heart, I would do anything for her and will always be there for her, even if my relationship with her mother ever went sour and we split up.

The conundrum, and something I've had an issue with her mother on since day one, is that when I look at my son I have a certain feeling for him that isn't there with my daughter. It's a subconscious thing, and something I just can't help.
....

Everyone who knows me and knows this situation has nothing but the utmost amount of respect for me for being a father to a child that isn't mine, and whenever a discussion about this situation happens, I always tell people about this difference in "feelings". Everyone understands.

...

And you told her mother this? If she asks you if her butt looks big, would you tell her the truth if it did? There is a reason why "Thou Shalt Not Lie" is not one of the 10 Commandments.

 

[Ravi]

I have two children, one is my 2 year old son, and the other is my 6 year old daughter. My daughter is not mine biologically. I've been her father figure since she was 2.

I love the little girl with all my heart, I would do anything for her and will always be there for her, even if my relationship with her mother ever went sour and we split up.

The conundrum, and something I've had an issue with her mother on since day one, is that when I look at my son I have a certain feeling for him that isn't there with my daughter. It's a subconscious thing, and something I just can't help.

My son is ME. He's a little version of me. He has my dad, my mom, etc. There's just something that's uniquely special about that.

Everyone who knows me and knows this situation has nothing but the utmost amount of respect for me for being a father to a child that isn't mine, and whenever a discussion about this situation happens, I always tell people about this difference in "feelings". Everyone understands.

Except the girl's mother. She doesn't understand why I don't have the same "feeling" towards her as I do my son. Well, she says she "half understands", whatever that means.

What do you think about this? Is there something wrong with me not having that same feeling? There's the old cliche "there are many different types of love", and as cheesy as it is, it makes sense to me in this case.

What say you? Because quite frankly it's getting old that I'm continually guilted about this. I don't think she'll ever really understand unless she was actually in this situation herself, with a child she's raising not being hers biologically, so I'm willing to cut her some slack because of that.

Feedback on this would be greatly appreciated though.

Thanks.

I think you're an asshole for going around and telling people that you don't really care about your "daughter" in the same way. It is going to get back to her. IMO, this is a relationship killer and I'd have dumped you the first time you did it.

 

[jillian]

Dumbass.

Say you feel the same about both and avoid a ton of pointless grief.

I don't lie to my girlfriend. If I think an outfit makes her look fat, she gets the truth.

sometimes there's no point to the 'truth'. i wouldn't lie, per se, but you love the girl, so why differentiate when it just hurts your significant other?

 

[Againsheila]

I have two children, one is my 2 year old son, and the other is my 6 year old daughter. My daughter is not mine biologically. I've been her father figure since she was 2.

I love the little girl with all my heart, I would do anything for her and will always be there for her, even if my relationship with her mother ever went sour and we split up.

The conundrum, and something I've had an issue with her mother on since day one, is that when I look at my son I have a certain feeling for him that isn't there with my daughter. It's a subconscious thing, and something I just can't help.

My son is ME. He's a little version of me. He has my dad, my mom, etc. There's just something that's uniquely special about that.

Everyone who knows me and knows this situation has nothing but the utmost amount of respect for me for being a father to a child that isn't mine, and whenever a discussion about this situation happens, I always tell people about this difference in "feelings". Everyone understands.

Except the girl's mother. She doesn't understand why I don't have the same "feeling" towards her as I do my son. Well, she says she "half understands", whatever that means.

What do you think about this? Is there something wrong with me not having that same feeling? There's the old cliche "there are many different types of love", and as cheesy as it is, it makes sense to me in this case.

What say you? Because quite frankly it's getting old that I'm continually guilted about this. I don't think she'll ever really understand unless she was actually in this situation herself, with a child she's raising not being hers biologically, so I'm willing to cut her some slack because of that.

Feedback on this would be greatly appreciated though.

Thanks.

Did you ever think your "different" feelings for your son have to do with the fact that he's a boy and not just that he's yours biologically? Men often have different feelings for their daughters than they do for their sons.

Please point out that "different" doesn't mean less or more, it just means different.

 

[Care4all]

Paul, When she was 2 through 4, while you were her father figure, before your son was born....and you say you loved her like your own....Do you love her any less now than you did before your son was born? Or is it that as much as you loved her and thought you loved her, you are finding that with your own blood child, there is even an extra higher level of love....? Not diminishing the love you had for her, but what you have come to feel for your own son, seems to be more?

Well, that still doesn't seem right....but I have never had any children of my own so I honestly can not know one way or another....


However, I was reading scripture yesterday on Esau and Issac and Jacob and Rebekkah, and it spoke of Rebekkah loving Issac more than Esau, both her sons, fraternal twins and her husband Jacob, favoring Esau, because he was the eldest, he came out of rebekkah first....

So, with Biblical characters, it showed that although Jacob and Rebekkah parented both children, each had their own favorite....and maybe, this is something that some people end up going through?

No matter how honest you and your partner are with each other....DO NOT continue to pursue this with her....I would be devastated, If I were her....remember, both children are FULLY hers...you are intentionally hurting her by telling her one of her children is ''worth more'' than the other, and she will now be watching you like a hawk to make certain her other child is not shorted by you and these inner feelings, AND you are hurting your other daughter....she will find out someday, especially if you keep this up.... don't take that chance.

* I think I got the characters right in the Biblical story? but don't hold me to it!

 

[Ravi]

Not to mention that it is Pauli's problem, not his gf's or her daughter's, it is his problem to deal with and not to share or place the burden on others.

Gotta love "Libertarians."

 

[Paulie]

Ok Rav, what the fuck ever.

Go adopt a child, or parent one that isn't yours biologically and then get back to me.

Nowhere did I say I didn't LOVE her as much, I said I loved her differently and didn't have the same feeling about her as I did with my son.

You can take that to mean whatever you want.

I love how this has ANYTHING to do with being a libertarian, too.

 

[Ravi]

Ok Rav, what the fuck ever.

Go adopt a child, or parent one that isn't yours biologically and then get back to me.

Nowhere did I say I didn't LOVE her as much, I said I loved her differently and didn't have the same feeling about her as I did with my son.

You can take that to mean whatever you want.

I love how this has ANYTHING to do with being a libertarian, too.

Because you are trying to shift the blame. No one could fault you for having different feelings toward different people. But you can certainly be faulted for discussing it with people because it will get back to her. And that would be a shame.

 

[FireGod]

And maybe it is a lesson to be learned that it is not the quantity but the quality of love.

A hard truth is that Paulie may have exposed some chinks in some peoples amour.

Because you are trying to shift the blame. No one could fault you for having different feelings toward different people. But you can certainly be faulted for discussing it with people because it will get back to her. And that would be a shame.

He was looking for feedback because he is being made to feel guilty by his GF for stepping up to the plate and being a father to his daughter in name and not loving her exactly the same way as he loves his son. The both of you Paulie and especially your girlfriend need to learn that life is not fair nor can you MAKE it fair.

 

[Xenophon]

So, did she dump your dumbass yet?

 

[Paulie]

Ok Rav, what the fuck ever.

Go adopt a child, or parent one that isn't yours biologically and then get back to me.

Nowhere did I say I didn't LOVE her as much, I said I loved her differently and didn't have the same feeling about her as I did with my son.

You can take that to mean whatever you want.

I love how this has ANYTHING to do with being a libertarian, too.

Because you are trying to shift the blame. No one could fault you for having different feelings toward different people. But you can certainly be faulted for discussing it with people because it will get back to her. And that would be a shame.

Get back to who? My daughter? I don't think she spends much time here, being 6 years old and all. Anyone else I may have discussed this with in real life would not go to her and tell her something like that. In fact, I've really only discussed that with people in my own circles, not my girlfriend's.

And I already said in my OP that this is an issue between my girlfriend and I, so obviously SHE already knows about it. She doesn't resent me for it, she just doesn't completely understand. And I'm coming to realize that no one will completely understand unless they're in this particular situation.

It's way too easy to just knee jerkingly say "you are wrong for feeling that way", or even vice versa. You just can't really opine informatively without being in the situation. I should have thought about that before I made this thread.

Regardless though, I appreciate everyone's replies.

 

[Paulie]

So, did she dump your dumbass yet?

You're hardly ever serious in that kind of context so I'll just take that as a joke.

My girl is way too cool to be concerned with petty little issues such as "you didn't tell me what I wanted to hear".

I would never date a girl like that. They're the crazy ones in my experiences.

 

[xsited1]

Ok Rav, what the fuck ever.

Go adopt a child, or parent one that isn't yours biologically and then get back to me.

Nowhere did I say I didn't LOVE her as much, I said I loved her differently and didn't have the same feeling about her as I did with my son.

You can take that to mean whatever you want.

I love how this has ANYTHING to do with being a libertarian, too.

Because you are trying to shift the blame. No one could fault you for having different feelings toward different people. But you can certainly be faulted for discussing it with people because it will get back to her. And that would be a shame.

Get back to who? My daughter? I don't think she spends much time here, being 6 years old and all.

And I already said in my OP that this is an issue between my girlfriend and I, so obviously SHE already knows about it. She doesn't resent me for it, she just doesn't completely understand. And I'm coming to realize that no one will completely understand unless they're in this particular situation.

It's way too easy to just knee jerkingly say "you are wrong for feeling that way", or even vice versa. You just can't really opine informatively without being in the situation. I should have thought about that before I made this thread.

Regardless though, I appreciate everyone's replies.

Do you have an autism spectrum disorder like Asperger's Syndrome? One of my kids has it. I just recently finished reading a book about it - Look Me In The Eye by John Elder Robison - and he talks about being overly logical and direct, one of the symptoms of Aspergers. One example he mentioned in the book: his wife is one of three sisters, so of course he always wondered if he chose the best one. Everyone thought he was nuts for even thinking this, but it seemed like a logical question to him. He's very happily married, but to him the question was logical.

Here's his website:

Website of John Elder Robison, author of Look Me in the Eye.

 

[Paulie]

Because you are trying to shift the blame. No one could fault you for having different feelings toward different people. But you can certainly be faulted for discussing it with people because it will get back to her. And that would be a shame.

Get back to who? My daughter? I don't think she spends much time here, being 6 years old and all.

And I already said in my OP that this is an issue between my girlfriend and I, so obviously SHE already knows about it. She doesn't resent me for it, she just doesn't completely understand. And I'm coming to realize that no one will completely understand unless they're in this particular situation.

It's way too easy to just knee jerkingly say "you are wrong for feeling that way", or even vice versa. You just can't really opine informatively without being in the situation. I should have thought about that before I made this thread.

Regardless though, I appreciate everyone's replies.

Do you have an autism spectrum disorder like Asperger's Syndrome? One of my kids has it. I just recently finished reading a book about it - Look Me In The Eye by John Elder Robison - and he talks about being overly logical and direct, one of the symptoms of Aspergers. One example he mentioned in the book: his wife is one of three sisters, so of course he always wondered if he chose the best one. Everyone thought he was nuts for even thinking this, but it seemed like a logical question to him. He's very happily married, but to him the question was logical.

Here's his website:

Website of John Elder Robison, author of Look Me in the Eye.

I'm not quite sure I understand how that question relates to what I posted.

I'd probably have to read the book before I could comment on this, and frankly it doesn't seem interesting enough to me.

Could you give me the cliff notes version and perhaps point out to me exactly what that question has to do with what I said?

It seems to me you took one thing that was said, gathered a certain context, and somehow decided that one thing entirely qualified someone as having a serious disorder.

That really doesn't make much sense to me. Help me understand.

 

[Paulie]

The one thing I know most about Aspbergers, especially since my girlfriend spent 6 years working with special needs people, is that they're very socially awkward, and tend to typically be very introverted.

That isn't even close to me, so I'm going to have to say no on that, xsited. Sorry.

 

[xsited1]

The one thing I know most about Aspbergers, especially since my girlfriend spent 6 years working with special needs people, is that they're very socially awkward, and tend to typically be very introverted.

That isn't even close to me, so I'm going to have to say no on that, xsited. Sorry.

It was just a thought. The comments in the OP describe your feelings which I consider direct and logical, but many consider tactless and downright wrong. Then I made a possible connection which doesn't seem to apply to you. Again, just a thought.

 

[Paulie]

Kind of a shot in the dark though, considering it would require much more information about someone to diagnose a disorder like that.

There certainly isn't just one single criteria for diagnosing aspbergers

 

[Valerie]

Help me understand.

Paulie, I once saw you post something to the effect....you hated the term "it is what it is" and that it was a lame thing to say cuz it didn't really mean anything...?



I think your relationship with your daughter and your son "is what it is" no matter what anyone says about it...The fact that your fiance's daughter isn't biologically yours is a given prior to the birth of your son together a few years later.

It is what it is...he's biological and that means something to you, naturally.

The problem is your need to verbalize the distinction of your feelings. For what???

No need to hurt anybody's feelings unnecessarily...It is what it is, right?

 

[Paulie]

Help me understand.

Paulie, I once saw you post something to the effect....you hated the term "it is what it is" and that it was a lame thing to say cuz it didn't really mean anything...?



I think your relationship with your daughter and your son "is what it is" no matter what anyone says about it...The fact that your fiance's daughter isn't biologically yours is a given prior to the birth of your son together a few years later.

It is what it is...he's biological and that means something to you, naturally.

The problem is your need to verbalize the distinction. For what???

No need to hurt anybody's feelings unnecessarily...It is what it is, right?

This might actually be one of the more thought-out replies in here, thanks Val.

My need to discuss it was simply a desire for other opinions, specifically from people who don't know me personally and therefore had no bias, because there was an ongoing issue between my girlfriend and I.

I was simply looking for reassurance. Nothing really wrong with that. I've taken both sides of the responses into account, and gained from both.

 

[Paulie]

I think it's safe to say I feel a certain guilt about it, but not enough to ruin my relationship with anyone. I know that I love the girl, and I would do anything for her and always be there for her. That's good enough for me.

On the real, I just wish she was mine biologically so this didn't have to even be an issue.

At the very least, I think that I wish I had been there from birth. It was a pretty tough situation coming into her life when she was 2 years old (going on 40).

You don't just automatically fall deeply in love with a child. It took a while for our relationship to develop into what it is today. I'm still the guy who simply replaces her real dad, I know that's how she looks at it, regardless of how much she loves me.

She still thinks her dad is just "away" and "just can't make it here", and whatever. There will be a time when she's older where the truth of the situation can be explained more to her, but for now she doesn't really need to know being only 6 years old. She's a happy girl and she's fine without the guy.