A serious discussion, I need some feedback

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Paulie, Feb 12, 2010.

  1. Paulie
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    Paulie Platinum Member

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    I have two children, one is my 2 year old son, and the other is my 6 year old daughter. My daughter is not mine biologically. I've been her father figure since she was 2.

    I love the little girl with all my heart, I would do anything for her and will always be there for her, even if my relationship with her mother ever went sour and we split up.

    The conundrum, and something I've had an issue with her mother on since day one, is that when I look at my son I have a certain feeling for him that isn't there with my daughter. It's a subconscious thing, and something I just can't help.

    My son is ME. He's a little version of me. He has my dad, my mom, etc. There's just something that's uniquely special about that.

    Everyone who knows me and knows this situation has nothing but the utmost amount of respect for me for being a father to a child that isn't mine, and whenever a discussion about this situation happens, I always tell people about this difference in "feelings". Everyone understands.

    Except the girl's mother. She doesn't understand why I don't have the same "feeling" towards her as I do my son. Well, she says she "half understands", whatever that means.

    What do you think about this? Is there something wrong with me not having that same feeling? There's the old cliche "there are many different types of love", and as cheesy as it is, it makes sense to me in this case.

    What say you? Because quite frankly it's getting old that I'm continually guilted about this. I don't think she'll ever really understand unless she was actually in this situation herself, with a child she's raising not being hers biologically, so I'm willing to cut her some slack because of that.

    Feedback on this would be greatly appreciated though.

    Thanks.
     
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  2. uscitizen
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    uscitizen Senior Member

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    do not feel guilted about it. Sounds like you are doing the best you can.
    Just keep on givint it your gest shot if you want it all to work out. And unless your wife throws a curve it will all work out.

    Keep up the good work.
     
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  3. Modbert
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    Modbert Daydream Believer Supporting Member

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    Don't feel bad Paulie, you're doing your best to try and understand.

    However, I would personally believe it's a biological thing. We are more prone to feel that extra something for our loved ones, and this would be especially true for your son.

    It doesn't mean you love your daughter any less, not by a mile. It just means you love her slightly differently and that's not wrong. It's just a matter of circumstances.

    What does matter though is that you love her as if she was your biological daughter the best you can. Not all guys would be like that.
     
  4. Baruch Menachem
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    Baruch Menachem '

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    I think I see why you aren't with the mom anymore. I don't like her either. I think she is the problem, rather than your relation with the girl.


    Father is the guy who does the job. That is the biology. Lots of guys are very good dads to kids who aren't related, and are unaware of the fact. The problem is not the genes, the problem is the awareness, and I think the mom is a mischief maker if she reminds you of that on a regular basis.
     
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  5. Paulie
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    Paulie Platinum Member

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    No, I'm with her. And it's not on a regular basis, but it does sometimes come up.

    She plans on adopting a girl from China in the next 5 years or so. So we'll see if she has those same "feelings" towards the girl as she does her biological children.
     
  6. uscitizen
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    uscitizen Senior Member

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    I hope the child is not a band aid experiment to your situation....
     
  7. Paulie
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    Paulie Platinum Member

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    It comes up from time to time because sometimes there seems to be this perception that I "favor" my son, or treat the girl differently, if you will.

    That may be the case, but he's also only 2, whereas she's 6 and practically independent other than needing her meals cooked for her. She's WAY beyond 6, intellectually speaking.

    My son on the other hand, needs more attention simply because he's only 2.
     
  8. Paulie
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    Paulie Platinum Member

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    Absolutely not. This is something my girlfriend has wanted to do all her life. It's one of her life goals.
     
  9. Xenophon
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    Xenophon Gone and forgotten

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    Dumbass.

    Say you feel the same about both and avoid a ton of pointless grief.
     
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  10. Baruch Menachem
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    Baruch Menachem '

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    Go to a family therapist. She needs to sort a few things out.

    But don't say it is for her.

    Dad's the guy who does the job. Do your best.

    feelings toward different kids are partly just because who they are, their own ways of doing things. And I think dads are just a bit distant toward girls anyway. Call it a biological safety check and go no further. Each kid is different and I don't think it is who the biodad is causing the issue.

    Anyway, I think you are doing the best you can, which is doing it right. They don't come with instruction manuals, or warrantees.

    Give her your best, and she will be a normal kid. Which means in six years you will go through hell.

    ^_^ I admire you for your efforts.
     

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