A serious discussion, I need some feedback

[Anguille]

It just bothers me that if it weren't for me being the girl's father, she wouldn't have one at all.

That's not good. You think she owes you something and your son does not. It's you who should be grateful to have both.

 

[Anguille]

It's just a different kind of love, that's all. I love the shit out of the little girl, but when I look at her, she's not me. That's all. She's me because of certain things, but I see her real father in her. She has most of his features, and he makes me sick to my stomach.

I taught the girl how to read, swim, use the computer, ZILLIONS of things. She's my daughter for certain, but there's just always going to be SOMETHING that's missing, and I feel like I can't help that.

WTF!! Of course she isn't you!! Your son isn't you either. Better learn that fast. Your kids are their own human beings , not mini Paulies!!!

 

[Anguille]

It's just a different kind of love, that's all. I love the shit out of the little girl, but when I look at her, she's not me. That's all. She's me because of certain things, but I see her real father in her. She has most of his features, and he makes me sick to my stomach.

I suspect THIS is the crux of your problem.

See....I don't hate my steps mother. I have a great relationship with her. My stepdaughter resembles her Mom, my Stepson resembles his dad.

Maybe it's not the little girl you have a problem with, but the DAD....and it shows up in the way you relate to the little girl?

Remember: It's not HER FAULT that she looks anything like him. So try hard not to hold that against her.

I taught the girl how to read, swim, use the computer, ZILLIONS of things. She's my daughter for certain, but there's just always going to be SOMETHING that's missing, and I feel like I can't help that.

You're a good Dad. Nothing's missing. Nothing at all. That's all in your head.

You just HATE HER DAD and you wish you were HER REAL BIOLOGICAL DAD. That's all.

See, it's not even THAT, though. I think there's a natural tendancy to feel a certain way about a biological child. That's why you'll see a mother bird helping her own chicks out, but not coming to the rescue of another baby bird that may have fallen from its nest. It's inherent in the genes.

It's not so much because I dislike her real father, it's just that when I look at her I don't see me, whereas with my son I do.

I do wish she was biologically mine, though.

Cowbirds are never raised by their own parents,. They are not even raised by birds of thier own species. Adoption happens intra species and inter species throughout the animal kingdom.

Get over this obsession with seeing your children as you and yours. Maybe you should have had clones made not children. You are beginning to sound like Mother Dearest!!!

 

[Anguille]

Ever thought about formal adoption?

Yeah, but I've always subscribed to the idea of 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'.

I highly doubt that a piece of paper making me the official dad is somehow going to illicit newfound feelings within me.

I love the little girl and I'm proud to call her my daughter, papers or not. I just want her mom to completely understand where I'm coming from on the matter. I'll probably have her read this thread tomorrow.

I think she will completely understand that you are way too concerned with having different feelings for each of your children and don't really understand yet that they are human beings in their own right.

Hi there Mrs Paulie!! How do you put up with him? Sheesh!!

 

[Liability]

do not feel guilted about it. Sounds like you are doing the best you can.
Just keep on givint it your gest shot if you want it all to work out. And unless your wife throws a curve it will all work out.

Keep up the good work.

This has been a strange strange day.

It aint often I agree with uscitizen, here, but I think his words are true and meaningful.

Kudos to you for asking the question. Your instincts will not steer you wrong. And kudos to uscitizen for his heartfelt answer.

I can't believe it, but I'm + repping uscit.

 

[Anguille]

do not feel guilted about it. Sounds like you are doing the best you can.
Just keep on givint it your gest shot if you want it all to work out. And unless your wife throws a curve it will all work out.

Keep up the good work.

This has been a strange strange day.

It aint often I agree with uscitizen, here, but I think his words are true and meaningful.

Kudos to you for asking the question. Your instincts will not steer you wrong. And kudos to uscitizen for his heartfelt answer.

I can't believe it, but I'm + repping uscit.

Lia, it's finally working. We've been doing mind control on you here at USMB and by next Tuesday you will be a socialist.

 

[FireGod]

Paulie it comes down to this; do you love you GF with all that you are?
what about your son?
and the daughter?

On the assumption that yes is for all the above what is the problem?

So what you have different feelings for the girl than you have for the boy. They are different ages and have different requirements not to mention that there is a bit of underlying negative feeling in relation to the girl (not not not the girl herself). My gut feeling is that there are some issues not directly related to the kidlets in you and/or your GF talking about stuff way back in the day.

This is one of those things that needs to be dealt with a put to bed permanently as NOTHING good will come of it in the long run. There is no reason for guilt by any party "it is what it is". Kudos to you for looking for help on the situation.

 

[Annie]

its only natural paulie....blood is blood..you can love another person....but its not the same....plus i am sure the mother is watching for the little things ...and no matter how hard you try...you cant always be treating the kids equal

yall will get beyond this.....like they say...

feed them enough love and they will even begin to look like ya....

I have 3 biological children, I haven't and couldn't treat them 'the same,' each was born with and continue to display very different personalities and interests. There are and have been times that one is certainly easier for me to get along with or 'like' better, probably more a reflection of myself than them.

Some of you have known a slice of 'me' for years. One child is all artistic, usually pleasant, and vacillates between being very concerned about others to being completely self-absorbed. As a child was so 'easy' she rarely did anything wrong. She woke up singing and would sing herself to sleep at night. Academically she really wasn't interested in much besides reading. Lots of learning disabilities. While it took her over 5 years to get her BA and teaching credentials, she now has a job in university recruiting and is involved in drama and music in the city.

Another is a genius with an IQ over 160, though hasn't ever cared about school much. He's always been the peace maker and sensitive one in the family. He has a very dark side to him, always the one I worry about. He recently decided to return to school and get an advanced business degree. He has a girlfriend he is a slave to, as he has always tended to do with women. Sigh.

The last gave me so much worry as a young child. Very smart, though not genius. Very practical. Spent more hours with him and shrinks and with principals, even the police from the ages of 3-11 than anyone could believe. Suddenly he turned it all around. He graduated high school and university with honors in academics and sports. Graduated with debt of less than $4k, through being a resident assistant and scholarships and savvy money management. He majored in law enforcement and minored in computer science. He is taking the GRE to apply for MS program in deviant sociology, he wants to work with juvenile predators on probation.

Probably because of how they were raised, they all like cultural activities, but the daughter always wants to do the Art Institute, symphony, or theater. The middle one is all about the aquarium, planetarium, or Field Museum of Natural History. The youngest still loves the Museum of Science and Industry, but will wander through Field Museum.

All this from one family! While the 'nurturing' style has had an impact, in general 'nature' determined where they would end up to a significant extent. To expect anyone to feel the same regarding children, as far as 'playing', 'talking', 'getting along', seems to me to be folly. If one were able to do that, then it would follow that anyone of the opposite sex could be your 'partner.' Doesn't happen that way.

 

[Mr.Fitnah]

Learn to keep your mouth shut, and take care of a little person who needs you.
Dont be so egotistical.

 

[Toro]

What do you think about this? Is there something wrong with me not having that same feeling?

No, not at all. Your feelings are perfectly natural. In fact, your feelings and attitude towards your daughter are probably better than most people's would be. Just don't let the kids know.

 

[Anguille]

its only natural paulie....blood is blood..you can love another person....but its not the same....plus i am sure the mother is watching for the little things ...and no matter how hard you try...you cant always be treating the kids equal

yall will get beyond this.....like they say...

feed them enough love and they will even begin to look like ya....

I have 3 biological children, I haven't and couldn't treat them 'the same,' each was born with and continue to display very different personalities and interests. There are and have been times that one is certainly easier for me to get along with or 'like' better, probably more a reflection of myself than them.

Some of you have known a slice of 'me' for years. One child is all artistic, usually pleasant, and vacillates between being very concerned about others to being completely self-absorbed. As a child was so 'easy' she rarely did anything wrong. She woke up singing and would sing herself to sleep at night. Academically she really wasn't interested in much besides reading. Lots of learning disabilities. While it took her over 5 years to get her BA and teaching credentials, she now has a job in university recruiting and is involved in drama and music in the city.

Another is a genius with an IQ over 160, though hasn't ever cared about school much. He's always been the peace maker and sensitive one in the family. He has a very dark side to him, always the one I worry about. He recently decided to return to school and get an advanced business degree. He has a girlfriend he is a slave to, as he has always tended to do with women. Sigh.

The last gave me so much worry as a young child. Very smart, though not genius. Very practical. Spent more hours with him and shrinks and with principals, even the police from the ages of 3-11 than anyone could believe. Suddenly he turned it all around. He graduated high school and university with honors in academics and sports. Graduated with debt of less than $4k, through being a resident assistant and scholarships and savvy money management. He majored in law enforcement and minored in computer science. He is taking the GRE to apply for MS program in deviant sociology, he wants to work with juvenile predators on probation.

Probably because of how they were raised, they all like cultural activities, but the daughter always wants to do the Art Institute, symphony, or theater. The middle one is all about the aquarium, planetarium, or Field Museum of Natural History. The youngest still loves the Museum of Science and Industry, but will wander through Field Museum.

All this from one family! While the 'nurturing' style has had an impact, in general 'nature' determined where they would end up to a significant extent. To expect anyone to feel the same regarding children, as far as 'playing', 'talking', 'getting along', seems to me to be folly. If one were able to do that, then it would follow that anyone of the opposite sex could be your 'partner.' Doesn't happen that way.

So true what you say about kids being different and our different relationships with them. It has nothing to do with loyalty and parental devotion, it's just that we are all of us individuals.

 

[Annie]

its only natural paulie....blood is blood..you can love another person....but its not the same....plus i am sure the mother is watching for the little things ...and no matter how hard you try...you cant always be treating the kids equal

yall will get beyond this.....like they say...

feed them enough love and they will even begin to look like ya....

I have 3 biological children, I haven't and couldn't treat them 'the same,' each was born with and continue to display very different personalities and interests. There are and have been times that one is certainly easier for me to get along with or 'like' better, probably more a reflection of myself than them.

Some of you have known a slice of 'me' for years. One child is all artistic, usually pleasant, and vacillates between being very concerned about others to being completely self-absorbed. As a child was so 'easy' she rarely did anything wrong. She woke up singing and would sing herself to sleep at night. Academically she really wasn't interested in much besides reading. Lots of learning disabilities. While it took her over 5 years to get her BA and teaching credentials, she now has a job in university recruiting and is involved in drama and music in the city.

Another is a genius with an IQ over 160, though hasn't ever cared about school much. He's always been the peace maker and sensitive one in the family. He has a very dark side to him, always the one I worry about. He recently decided to return to school and get an advanced business degree. He has a girlfriend he is a slave to, as he has always tended to do with women. Sigh.

The last gave me so much worry as a young child. Very smart, though not genius. Very practical. Spent more hours with him and shrinks and with principals, even the police from the ages of 3-11 than anyone could believe. Suddenly he turned it all around. He graduated high school and university with honors in academics and sports. Graduated with debt of less than $4k, through being a resident assistant and scholarships and savvy money management. He majored in law enforcement and minored in computer science. He is taking the GRE to apply for MS program in deviant sociology, he wants to work with juvenile predators on probation.

Probably because of how they were raised, they all like cultural activities, but the daughter always wants to do the Art Institute, symphony, or theater. The middle one is all about the aquarium, planetarium, or Field Museum of Natural History. The youngest still loves the Museum of Science and Industry, but will wander through Field Museum.

All this from one family! While the 'nurturing' style has had an impact, in general 'nature' determined where they would end up to a significant extent. To expect anyone to feel the same regarding children, as far as 'playing', 'talking', 'getting along', seems to me to be folly. If one were able to do that, then it would follow that anyone of the opposite sex could be your 'partner.' Doesn't happen that way.

So true what you say about kids being different and our different relationships with them. It has nothing to do with loyalty and parental devotion, it's just that we are all of us individuals.

Thank you. I think Paulie may be attributing biological with the natural differences between kids and yes too their ages, as he stated. Mothers/father, sons/daughters also have the sex differences/sameness. Then personalities and birth orders. I'm a pretty intense person, have profound hearing loss, what my daughter and I have in common is Ann Taylor, Loft, and Ultima. We also like restaurants. My older son and I, well we can talk, but he pulls back on some topics. The youngest teases me alot, but our interests and intensity are similar.

I love them all, I admire their talents, but each of our relationships is different. Then again, so our theirs with each other and their father.

 

[Anguille]

Learn to keep your mouth shut, and take care of a little person who needs you.
Dont be so egotistical.

Yes, he's being egotistical, yes he needs to take care of the little person (which he appears to being doing faultlessly) but it would be stupid for him to keep his mouth shut about it with his girlfriend. She wants to adopt a third child, this is an issue that needs to be resolved now. If it bothers him emough to be bringing it up on a message board, then clearly it needs sorting out. Not in front of the girl, of course, but between he and his girlfriend.

Paulie is pig headed and brutally honest and maybe deluded as to the genes equals real love myth but I think he wants to do the right thing by his daughter, he just needs to figure out what that is and how to do it.

 

[Anguille]

I have 3 biological children, I haven't and couldn't treat them 'the same,' each was born with and continue to display very different personalities and interests. There are and have been times that one is certainly easier for me to get along with or 'like' better, probably more a reflection of myself than them.

Some of you have known a slice of 'me' for years. One child is all artistic, usually pleasant, and vacillates between being very concerned about others to being completely self-absorbed. As a child was so 'easy' she rarely did anything wrong. She woke up singing and would sing herself to sleep at night. Academically she really wasn't interested in much besides reading. Lots of learning disabilities. While it took her over 5 years to get her BA and teaching credentials, she now has a job in university recruiting and is involved in drama and music in the city.

Another is a genius with an IQ over 160, though hasn't ever cared about school much. He's always been the peace maker and sensitive one in the family. He has a very dark side to him, always the one I worry about. He recently decided to return to school and get an advanced business degree. He has a girlfriend he is a slave to, as he has always tended to do with women. Sigh.

The last gave me so much worry as a young child. Very smart, though not genius. Very practical. Spent more hours with him and shrinks and with principals, even the police from the ages of 3-11 than anyone could believe. Suddenly he turned it all around. He graduated high school and university with honors in academics and sports. Graduated with debt of less than $4k, through being a resident assistant and scholarships and savvy money management. He majored in law enforcement and minored in computer science. He is taking the GRE to apply for MS program in deviant sociology, he wants to work with juvenile predators on probation.

Probably because of how they were raised, they all like cultural activities, but the daughter always wants to do the Art Institute, symphony, or theater. The middle one is all about the aquarium, planetarium, or Field Museum of Natural History. The youngest still loves the Museum of Science and Industry, but will wander through Field Museum.

All this from one family! While the 'nurturing' style has had an impact, in general 'nature' determined where they would end up to a significant extent. To expect anyone to feel the same regarding children, as far as 'playing', 'talking', 'getting along', seems to me to be folly. If one were able to do that, then it would follow that anyone of the opposite sex could be your 'partner.' Doesn't happen that way.

So true what you say about kids being different and our different relationships with them. It has nothing to do with loyalty and parental devotion, it's just that we are all of us individuals.

Thank you. I think Paulie may be attributing biological with the natural differences between kids and yes too their ages, as he stated. Mothers/father, sons/daughters also have the sex differences/sameness. Then personalities and birth orders. I'm a pretty intense person, have profound hearing loss, what my daughter and I have in common is Ann Taylor, Loft, and Ultima. We also like restaurants. My older son and I, well we can talk, but he pulls back on some topics. The youngest teases me alot, but our interests and intensity are similar.

I love them all, I admire their talents, but each of our relationships is different. Then again, so our theirs with each other and their father.

You illustrated that so well with your descriptions of your children. I think that once Paulie gets beyond this obsession with her looks and with cultural stereotypes about step children, he will see the larger picture and have a wonderful and fulfilling relationship with his daughter as she grows up. He has already invested so much of himself in her by teaching her to read and caring for her since she was 1. That is what creates bonds, not DNA.

 

[Anguille]

its only natural paulie....blood is blood..you can love another person....but its not the same....plus i am sure the mother is watching for the little things ...and no matter how hard you try...you cant always be treating the kids equal

yall will get beyond this.....like they say...

feed them enough love and they will even begin to look like ya....

I have to, respectfully, completely and totally disagree. Having family who are family by adoption, I don't view them any differently. I certainly don't love them less or even differently to other family.

I think it is an individual thing. Maybe some people do see 'blood' as something - not everyone feels the same way.

Bones, I agree with CA Girl. The blood tie thing is a myth. Do you love your siblings more than your husband? We are all tied by blood and DNA. Adoption in one form or another exists in all cultures. I have adopted relatives and love them just as much as everyone else in the extended family. Actually I love one the best of all his cousins. He's just a great kid. It's obvious that everyone in the family loves him and his sister just as much as they love thier other nieces and nephews, grand kids, cousins and children.

A good friend of my mother's was a delivery room nurse and she ended up adopting 4 of her 6 kids after delivering them to mothers who chose to put them up for adoption. (I only know for sure about one kid adopted that way, the other 3 may not have). Her kids all represent 5 races between them. No one looks alike but they all talk and walk alike. They are all very tight and clearly the love they have for each other is genuine and no less valid simply because they are a few generations of DNA removed away from eachother.

Some people love their friends more than their family. Love is something comes from relationships not from blood cells.

I call bull-mal on the blood is thicker than water myth.

 

[Paulie]

Learn to keep your mouth shut, and take care of a little person who needs you.
Dont be so egotistical.

Yes, he's being egotistical, yes he needs to take care of the little person (which he appears to being doing faultlessly) but it would be stupid for him to keep his mouth shut about it with his girlfriend. She wants to adopt a third child, this is an issue that needs to be resolved now. If it bothers him emough to be bringing it up on a message board, then clearly it needs sorting out. Not in front of the girl, of course, but between he and his girlfriend.

Paulie is pig headed and brutally honest and maybe deluded as to the genes equals real love myth but I think he wants to do the right thing by his daughter, he just needs to figure out what that is and how to do it.

I am egotistical, but that has nothing to do with this situation.

And my girlfriend has a tough time putting up with me, I'll give you that.

If I wasn't so good looking and have such a big penis, I'd probably be screwed

j/k, thanks to everyone for the insight. There's really no difference to me whether I ask this on a message board, or ask people in person. Many of you here I consider my friends (and some I just consider ). However I get the feedback is fine with me.

 

[Anguille]

Learn to keep your mouth shut, and take care of a little person who needs you.
Dont be so egotistical.

Yes, he's being egotistical, yes he needs to take care of the little person (which he appears to being doing faultlessly) but it would be stupid for him to keep his mouth shut about it with his girlfriend. She wants to adopt a third child, this is an issue that needs to be resolved now. If it bothers him emough to be bringing it up on a message board, then clearly it needs sorting out. Not in front of the girl, of course, but between he and his girlfriend.

Paulie is pig headed and brutally honest and maybe deluded as to the genes equals real love myth but I think he wants to do the right thing by his daughter, he just needs to figure out what that is and how to do it.

I am egotistical, but that has nothing to do with this situation.

And my girlfriend has a tough time putting up with me, I'll give you that.

If I wasn't so good looking and have such a big penis, I'd probably be screwed

j/k, thanks to everyone for the insight. There's really no difference to me whether I ask this on a message board, or ask people in person. Many of you here I consider my friends (and some I just consider ). However I get the feedback is fine with me.

So when is Mrs Paulie going to post something?

 

[Modbert]

So when is Mrs Paulie going to post something?

Yeah Ang, when are you going to post something?

 

[Anguille]

So when is Mrs Paulie going to post something?

Yeah Ang, when are you going to post something?

Stop it! If Mrs Paulie finds out about me and Willow, she'll probably run off with xotoxi!

 

[Modbert]

Stop it! If Mrs Paulie finds out about me and Willow, she'll probably run off with xotoxi!

He just wants to play doctor.