I'm having a tough time today. It started yesterday so I slept most of the time. today is worse. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm.....in a bad place. I'm glad thanksgiving is over because I have nothing to feel thankful for. Even the old folks here have family that comes for holidays, or they come get them and take them out of here to spend the day laughing and eating and just being around each other. Christmas will be worse. We havent had a Christmas in 4 years. No dogs to rush under the tree and rip open packages to get to their snacks and furbabie toys. No inlaws to watch happy faces opening theirs. No cheer. No love. No friendships to gather around a table and just TALK. I miss what was. I miss my old life. I miss being with people I know and able to actually touch them or hug them. I miss wrapping my arms around my dogs. I miss Karma. And Gracie. And Moki. And Pretties. I miss waking up with no pain in my joints. I miss being alive like I used to be.
And I miss common courtesy or empathy. None of that is here. I am alone. And although I am a loner, I do need companionship now and then. My cat can't pull me out of this funk although I think she suspects something is wrong.
And Ihate whining to strangers on the net. Im not a crier. But lately, thats all I seem to do. I hide under the table on the balcony, chain smoking and crying. Nobody knows. I don't want anyone to know. Yet here I am...telling y'all.
I just needed to spill it. Sorry.
I'll try to call you later.
I'll snap out of it. Going to bed. In sleep, I dream of home...and I dream of trying to get there. Its always the same concept...foggy/drizzlish, dark at night never during the day, driving driving driving and never getting there or getting there and not finding home. Not very good sleep but at least I am occupied looking for it...for something. I even dream of searching for my sister although I know even in my dreams she will turn me away as she has always done.
Anyway....I'm going to lay down and try to get some restful peace in sleep. So if I don't answer, its because I turned off the phone or cant hear it or am outside under the table chain smoking..trying to hurry up bad health so I can leave this hellhole permanently.