That, I cannot do. I am too full of guilt, it would depress me more than I already am. He did some rotten things during our marriage. Rotten. Cruel. Selfish. But he tried so hard to make up for it, and I couldn't forgive it. Or wouldn't. It wasn't until his last day on this earth that that anger I held on to, fled like his life did. And now I am crying again, because I keep seeing his blue eyes looking at me behind that oxygen mask and him saying "no guilt, honeybunner". Easier said than done. I will live with it forever.
I keep asking him to come to me..to let me know he forgives me..that he is safe, happy, with loved ones in heaven. He hasn't. Except once and that was about 3 weeks ago, in a dream. Instead of waking up crying like I usually do..this time, I woke myself up laughing. He was there.....looking at me...no mask this time...and making faces while on the phone because he didn't want to talk to whomever it was yakking in his ear and it was just so darn funny...I busted up. Its been so long since I laughed a real laugh, from the belly with guffaws....so when I did it in that dream, it woke me up with me busting up to an empty apt. I'd like to think he was letting me know he was doing fine and trying to cheer me up...but....it was just a dream and wishful thinking.
