How About a Joke Thread ?

[Ringo]

Don't - How do you like it?
She- When they hold my hair and **** me hard from behind.
He - I meant the coffee.
She - Ah, the coffee's great, thanks.

 

[Ringo]

Three types of men

 

[App'z]

 

[TheParser]

How do you spell the word "mousetrap" in only three letters of the alphabet?




Answer:




CAT





CAT

 

[TheParser]

This is reportedly a true story.

1. The police were called by neighbors who heard someone screaming "Let me out! Let me out!"

2. When the cops entered the house where this screaming was coming from, they discovered that it was a parrot, which was demanding to be allowed to leave the house.

3. I guess it's true that one must be careful about what words you use in the presence of a parrot.

 

[Captain Caveman]

Voting Democrat is a lot like wanking.

Nobody admits to it but there are still a lot of wankers out there.

 

[Ringo]

The most popular questions after vaccination:
Male:
- Can I drink?
Female:
- Can I wash myself?
Hence the conclusion: the woman's main problem is that she is dirty, the man's main problem is that he is sober...

 

[App'z]

 

[Ringo]

Two school friends meet: one of whom was successful, the other failed, and is almost destitute, and is very sad about this fact.
The successful one says:
- I'll help you, buddy: I'll hire you and you'll help me personally.
The guy goes to work and they give him a job. Twice a month he has to go to the bank in front of the office and pick up a suitcase of money.
As a reward, he was entitled to half of the suitcase.
For a week or two the man went. He was happy that life was getting better.
A couple of months later, his wife began to notice that her husband was becoming sad again.
To the logical question:
- "Everything's fine now, what's the matter?!
The man answers:
- Look: I go to the bank for money alone, but I have only half of the the suitcase!!!

 

[Captain Caveman]

It takes quite a twisted person to mock an amputee.

Try putting yourself in their shoe.

 

[Captain Caveman]

Scientists have just announced today that Dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels.

So that pushes women down to third place.

 

[Captain Caveman]

I was in an American school library recently, going through a few magazines.

Then my rifle jammed.

 

[Ringo]

My girlfriend decided to talk about our future....
I spent an hour talking about teleportation, lasers, force fields, space exploration .....
But turned out that I didn't understand the topic ....

 

[App'z]

Visitors arrive at the Hospital and are rushed up to the floor their loved one is on. They pass an open door and see a patient getting oral from a nurse. Much laughter erupts from the room as the families there also. Shocked the Visitors for a Patient ask the orderly, "Why is THIS happening in your hospital??”
The Doctor with them calmly responds “Same condition. The patient just has a better healthcare plan.”

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Ringo]

Give a man a fish and he will be fed for a day.
Give a man a fishing rod and you can have sex with his wife all weekend.

 

[sealybobo]

Too complicated. Here's one. Covid numbers are dropping faster than Hunter Biden's pants in front of an underage Asian girl.

How do cops like their coffee? Black with a couple shots in it.

 

[App'z]

The young Blonde has taken golf lessons with the Club Pro and
starts playing golf with a Blonde Foursome when she gets stung.
Her pains so intense that she has to return to the clubhouse.
She sure needs medical assistance as fast as her Cart can go.
The golf pro sees and says, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she cries out. “Where?” he asks.
“Between the first and second hole,” she replies.
Well, Lil Johnny the famous golf pro nods his head and says,
“Your stance is too wide.”

 

[Hossfly]

A Mississippi county sheriff had one cell for female prisoners. One morning the deputy delivered breakfast to the women. One young lady asked the deputy if he could get her some Kotex. He replied, "Hell no lady, you ain't special. You can eat corn flakes with the rest of 'em."

 

[Ringo]

Advertisement:
"The City Society for the Blind requires a secretary who is pleasant to the touch."

- Remember for life, son, a woman is helpless only when her fingernails are not dry.

- Baby, you won't be able to sleep with me all night.
- Do you snore?

Three panic-inducing phrases:
1. It won't hurt.
2. We have to talk.
3. Wrong username or password.

Men, remember, arguing with a woman is like reading a license agreement.
Eventually you stop understanding and just click "I agree."

Two blondes talking.
- I had great sex last night. We both enjoyed it so much that we repeated it several times!
- And who was that?
- Don't take me for an idiot - if I'm going to tell anyone about it, it's certainly not this guy's wife!

"Please, sir," the stranger pleaded, "would you be so kind as to help a poor, wretched man who is very hungry and cannot find work? All I have in this world is this gun..."