How About a Joke Thread ?

[Ringo]

A man sits in a stall of a public toilet and suddenly hears an unfamiliar voice from a neighboring stall:
- Hi!
Him:
Well, hello.
How are you?
The stunned man replies:
Good
What are you doing?
Shitting, what else can I do here?
The voice behind the wall is getting annoyed:
- Listen, let me call you back, because there's some moron talking to me.....

What would you do if you won a million dollars?
I'd pay off my debts.
And the rest?
The rest can wait.

How incredibly, unbearably I want a woman!
Well, go to a brothel.
No, I want a woman I know.
Go to a brothel more often and you'll meet acquaintances.

 

[Ringo]

Help me remember the name of an Indian movie. The plot goes like this:
She is rich, he is poor and she is not allowed to marry him.
There's also a lot of singing and dancing.

When my wife left, I was sad and depressed at first.
But then I got a dog, bought the motorcycle I'd always dreamed of, and finally did the neighbor girl I'd wanted for a long time!
Life got better immediately, except now I think, that when my wife comes home from work, I'm finished.

A Texan came to Ireland to dispel the myth that the Irish are the best drinkers. He walks into a pub and proposes a bet: whoever drinks fifteen pints in a row gets $10,000. The Irish went silent a few people leave. The Texan is satisfied, "That's the way it is." He orders himself a whiskey and sips it at the counter with a triumphant look.
Ten minutes later, one of the Irishmen who had been sitting at the table when the Texan arrived returns. - Sir, is your bet still on? - Well, of course it is! - I'll take it. The Texan orders fifteen pints and the Irishman drinks all fifteen. The Texan is stunned, counts out $10,000 and is about to leave the pub in disgrace, but at the last moment he asks: - Excuse me, mister, I was wondering. Why did you leave for ten minutes?
- Oh, I was just going to the pub next door to see if I could drink fifteen pints in a row.

There's a call at the White House:
-Hello. I heard the president died. My condolences and I would like to propose my candidacy!
- Are you crazy?
-Yes! -And also very old and very sick!

A Jew meets his Asian partner and immediately tells him:
"I don't like the Chinese. You bombed Pearl Harbor.
It was the Japanese, replies the guy.
Japanese, Chinese, Koreans, it doesn't matter.
After a long silence, the Chinese man suddenly says:
"I don't like Jews. You sank the Titanic.
It hit an iceberg! - The Jew is outraged.
Goldberg, Rosenberg, Iceberg - what's the difference? - replies the Chinese.

 

[Stann]

Help me remember the name of an Indian movie. The plot goes like this:
She is rich, he is poor and she is not allowed to marry him.
There's also a lot of singing and dancing.

When my wife left, I was sad and depressed at first.
But then I got a dog, bought the motorcycle I'd always dreamed of, and finally did the neighbor girl I'd wanted for a long time!
Life got better immediately, except now I think, that when my wife comes home from work, I'm finished.

A Texan came to Ireland to dispel the myth that the Irish are the best drinkers. He walks into a pub and proposes a bet: whoever drinks fifteen pints in a row gets $10,000. The Irish went silent a few people leave. The Texan is satisfied, "That's the way it is." He orders himself a whiskey and sips it at the counter with a triumphant look.
Ten minutes later, one of the Irishmen who had been sitting at the table when the Texan arrived returns. - Sir, is your bet still on? - Well, of course it is! - I'll take it. The Texan orders fifteen pints and the Irishman drinks all fifteen. The Texan is stunned, counts out $10,000 and is about to leave the pub in disgrace, but at the last moment he asks: - Excuse me, mister, I was wondering. Why did you leave for ten minutes?
- Oh, I was just going to the pub next door to see if I could drink fifteen pints in a row.

Read the best trump joke ever on Quora Digest : trump's aide says to him, " Sir, I had a dream you got your parade. It was miles and miles long winding through Washington DC. Joyful Americans were laughing, cheering, playing in the street. You were riding the most beautiful carriage. " trump asks, " Was I happy ? " the aide answers, " I don't know, sir. The casket was closed. "

 

[sealybobo]

Too complicated. Here's one. Covid numbers are dropping faster than Hunter Biden's pants in front of an underage Asian girl.

Three guys going for the Guinness World Record. One for being the tallest, one for being the strongest and one for smallest penis. The tall guy got the letter back and it read, Dear John Smith, you have the record. The strongest guy got his letter back Joe Doe, you are the strongest. Congrats. The guy going for the smallest weaner record got his letter back. Dear Sam Jones, we regret to inform you............(he reads the rest to himself and then says)

"who the fuck is MarathonMike?"!

 

[Ropey]

 

[Stann]

There are always exceptions to the rule.

 

[Ropey]

There are always exceptions to the rule.

Just like there is always room for nuanced interpretation.

 

[App'z]

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk & (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we will forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
and on with thy beers, thy bitters, thy lagers,
For ever and ever.

"Plaque; by the mirror behind the Bar."

 

[Ringo]

- There's two pieces of news. One good, other not so much. Which one should I start with?
The good one
- We've got two girls coming over tonight!
What's the "not so much"?
- Both not so much.

 

[App'z]

His girlfriend was a devout vegan. She’d patrol the office during lunch to ensure anyone who ate meat promised not to use the sponge in the kitchen. She did this in yoga pants and heels.

For April Fool's Day, I rinsed out a carton of chicken broth and filled it with mango juice, and poured myself a glass and drank it in front of her.

She was disgusted, so it was twice as delicious.

She is the financial manager and the human resources coordinator, so every problem at the company became pillow talk between her and her fiancée. He would sprinkle in the things she told him at meetings as if the problems were supposed to be common knowledge.

I was eventually fired, and the official reason was that I had "photoshopped grotesque images of several people in the office.” What she failed to mention to the Department of Labor representative was that I had done it on my own time, on my own computer, and each coworker had requested I do them next after I initially just did it to myself.

During my Department of Labor chat, the agent asked me to email her the photos, and it made her laugh audibly. Being fired was worth it just for that.

 

[Ringo]

In church.
Have you sinned, my daughter?
Oh, I have sinned, Father!
Do you repent?
I repent, Father!
Kiss the crucifix... Hey! No tongue!
-
Woman's advice:
If you do not know how to act in a situation, imagine your husband in your place. You can immediately explain to him what to do and how.
-
There comes a point in everyone's life when we start to hate classical music.....
Are you trying to call tech support again?

 

[Ringo]

- Watson, answer as a doctor, what is the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?
A psychiatrist is a scientific discipline with all that it implies, a psychologist is verbal therapy, without diagnoses
- Watson, can we say that a bottle of whiskey and a conversation with a friend can replace a psychologist?
And how! And save money.

 

[Ringo]

A fine is a tax for something you did wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing the right thing.

There are ten boilers specially installed in hell for supermarket cashiers, but only two are working.

Thanking a politician for doing something with the people's money is like applauding an ATM for giving you your money.

You want sincerity -turn on the recorder in your pocket, you want politeness - put the recorder on the table.

The man wanted to do it - the man did it.
Man didn't want to do it - man didn't do it.
A man didn't want to do it and did - a man is married.

Give me back the past - there was such a wonderful future there...

Phones are getting thinner and smarter and people are the opposite !

It's good to be a pessimist. You're either right or pleasantly surprised.

Iron burned out?
Computer doesn't work?
"Senator for a Day" - won't fix anything, prove you're fine and leave you without money.

 

[Ringo]

My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work.....
So I told her she should stop working from home and go back to the office.

Foreign aid is taking money from poor people in rich countries and giving it to rich people in poor countries....

 

[Ringo]

"In the Middle Ages in the Flemish city of Ghent (now Belgium) there was a profession of urine collector. The urine was then used to extract ammonia, which was used to make saltpeter for gunpowder.
In the mornings, the collectors would drive around the city with a barrel and pay money for the urine. Of course, there were cunning townspeople who began to dilute the product. Then a new profession appeared - urine taster, who determined the quality and concentration of precious ammonia by organoleptic method.
But the New Times came, people learned to synthesize ammonia or extract it by other means, and the profession of urine taster became unnecessary. So all these urine experts left Flanders, moved to Amsterdam and founded the Heineken Brewery"

Need household advice!!! My husband spilled coffee on the new carpet. Can you please tell me how to clean the blood stains?

 

[Ringo]

If you're walking with your wife, and you meet a beautiful girl, and your wife asks: "Isn't she pretty?"
The answer is "yes" is wrong.
The answer "no" is also wrong.
The correct answer is "who?"

For the last time, I ask you, "do you agree to remain friends?"
No.
Good, then I now pronounce you husband and wife!

What is the difference between a sinking ship and a sinking state?
The state sinks so slowly that the rats manage to build comfortable yachts out of its remains.

Mom, I have a test tomorrow!
Don't worry, son, we'll do it all over again. Capital of Germany?
Berlin.
Capital of France?
Berlin. Mom, let's do something harder.
Capital of Poland?
Berlin.
You're so smart, Adolf!

A rubber woman can help you survive not only loneliness but also a flood.

 

[Ringo]

Take the baseball bat out of the car and put a metal golf club in there.
That way you'll look intelligent in a road fight!

 

[odanny]

 

[App'z]

Lil Woman found me new Covid masks. yea!

 

[App'z]

The last two gladiators of the games were squared off in the middle of the arena in an intense and epic battle. Every attack by either gladiator was met with a defensive move and counter attack by his opponent. As the contest continued, fatigue set in and as one of the combatants began his attack, he stumbled and flailed wildly. His sword struck his opponent's legs below the knee just as the enemy sword came across his wrists. One gladiator had had both hands severed, the other both feet. The match was over. Caesar assessed the situation and declared the gladiator that had lost his hands the winner. "How can that be?" one of the Senators asked. "The gladiator is unable to even hold a sword!" Caesar replied, "Clearly Senator, you don't understand the situation. That gladiator has merely been disarmed. The other has been defeeted." .....