How About a Joke Thread ?

[App'z]

The really Hot dressed Blond is hard up for money,
So, She stands at the corner with a sign,
Can work for $100 ! so she walked around with
her Sign, back and forth Blond, hot & dressed to kill,
well, She has it all together & intends to find a job paying up.
She entices Lil Johnny, 'the man' who says I will give you work.
"I need my Porch Painted white & all you do is paint it.
Here is a bucket of paint, brush and rag" So he goes on.
Later Lil Johnny gets back, parks his F150 in the Alley
behind his House & walks into the Kitchen, chuckles and
tells his brunette wife Who is Pouring Wine,
fixing Steaks & Baked Potatoes,
what he has paid to paint the front porch.
"Lil Johnny, the porch covers half of the house!
You're getting it done really cheap!"
Three hours later, the blonde is at the side door,
dressed in Hot pants, halter top and 6" heals,
wanting her $100 while giving the brush back to Lil Johnny!
Lil Johnny, The Man, gives her the Cash, $$$, then asks,
"how did you paint it so quickly?"
"It takes time, but it was easy." the Wet Sweaty Blond replies.
The Blond so very Hot, skimpily dressed with her 6" heals,
Swings her head, blond hair waving free says,
"Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
"Do our Plants feel Pain when we get hungry?"

 

[App'z]

 

[App'z]

Trump in 'great peril' after latest special counsel maneuver: legal expert

Ha hahahahahahaahhahahahahahah

 

[App'z]

Actually, is he Potas Material? Does he actually care about the retires folk or is he just a (Hahahahhahahahaha)

Scott announces new Social Security, Medicare bill amid Biden feud

 

[Captain Caveman]

If the invisible man rings the door bell, can you tell him I can't see him

 

[App'z]

I would say I prefer to imagine a woman than look for her lower, her badly open to all tummy fat!

MSN

Have fun teasing them Horney's (can I say) Paige.

 

[App'z]

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Lil Johnny and an unconscious young woman. Lil Johnny finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll. The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the meantime, Lil Johnny cares for her, keeps her sheltered, Hydrated, fed and clean. When the young woman finally comes to, Lil Johnny is shocked when he realizes that she is actually Jennifer Lawrence. It takes Jennifer another week or so to fully recover but, once she does, they share their survival responsibilities equally. Lil Johnny is the better cook, Jennifer the better diver. After a month or so, Jennifer begins to realize what a find Lil Johnny is. He’s intelligent, unassuming, fit, not unattractive, caring and he has made zero attempt to jump her. Romance blooms. Lil Johnny turns out to be an imaginative and enthusiastic lover. Bliss reigns. One night, sometime later, while sitting around the campfire, Jennifer notices that Lil Johnny is a bit glum. “Are you OK?” she asks. “Yeah, I’m fine.”, Lil Johnny answers. “No, you’re not, Lil Johnny I know something’s wrong. What’s wrong, Lil Johnny?”
“No, I’m OK. Really.”, Lil Johnny says. “Lil Johnny, if there’s something missing, something you need, I want to help.” “I’m sorry, Jen, but you’d think I was really weird.” “Weird!”, Jennifer exclaims. “I work in Hollywood. Lil Johnny, you have no idea. Please, let me help.” “Are you sure?”, Lil Johnny whispers quietly. “I’m sure.”, Jennifer says. “What do you want me to do?”
“Well,”, says Lil Johnny. “Can you put on my cap and tuck your hair up in it?” “Thanks. Now can you take this piece of charcoal and use it to draw yourself a mustache?” “Thanks. Now, do you mind if I call you Steve?” “Steve?”, asks Jennifer. “OK, you can call me Steve.”
A long pause in the firelight …. “Steve,” says lil Johnny, “You're NOT going to believe who I’ve been sleeping with.”

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Dadoalex]

So Patrick stewart takes his singer to the repair shop where the owner asks him what he want and he says

Cop breaks up a fight on the Strip in Vegas between a Black man and a White man
"What's going on" Cop asks
Black guy says "he called me a Black Bastard"
Older Jewish guy says "What? No? I would never say such a thing to this nice young man.
I was walking along here and he asks me how to get to the Dakota.
I told him 'you're a block past it'"

(imagine it with a Brooklyn Jewish accent)

 

[App'z]

 

[Resnic]

A Jewish kid runs up to his dad and says

"dad can I have 50 dollars?

The kids dad says

"40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"

 

[App'z]

The N.Y. Prosecutor says, "The Donald, we done invited you for 34 Felonies, we know Stormy owes you $600,000) - in legal fees, now go back to Florida, we don't want you to stay here. Were Done with this. Hahahaha thas our legal system at work. No State allows a Fellon to leave the State with his own Jet. JHC!

 

[Ringo]

The beginning of the school year in an American school. The class teacher
introduces the class:
- Children, we have a newcomer, Shakiro Suzuki from Japan, meet the class. And now.
let's begin the lesson and see how well you know American history.
Who said, "Give me Liberty or give me Death"?
There is dead silence in the classroom. Suzuki raises his hand:
- Patrick Henry, 1775, Philadelphia.
- Very good. And whose words, "The state is the people, and as such
should never die"?
Suzuki's hand again:
- Abraham Lincoln, 1863, Washington.
The teacher looks sternly at the class:
- Shame on you, children!
Suzuki is Japanese and knows American history better than anyone!
At that moment, a quiet voice from the back of the classroom:
- Fuck the fucking Japs!
The teacher turns around:
- Says who?!?!!
Suzuki jumps up and scrambles away:
- General MacArthur, Guadalcanal Island, 1942.
With the class completely numb, an exclamation from the back row:
- Suck it!
The teacher is going spotty:
- Whooooo?!!!!
Suzuki instantly jumps up:
- Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., 1997.
Outraged shriek:
- Suzuki sucks!!!
And not a second delay:
- Valentino Rossi at the 2002 Rio de Janeiro Brazilian Grand Prix motorcycle race!
The class is hysterical, the teacher faints, the door swings open and the
and a furious headmaster appears:
- Fucking hell! What the fuck is this mess?!!!!
Before he can sit down, Suzuki:
- President Yeltsin, session of the Russian Parliament, 1993...!

 

[Resnic]

3 guys are out hunting in the deepest part of the African jungle. A Englishman, a frenchman and a Pollock.

The men are beaten and captured by cannibals. They are drug back to their village, stripped naked and tied to trees.

Later the cannibal king comes out and walks up to the Englishman and says "were going to skin you, eat you and use your flesh to make a canoe. Do you have any last requests?" And the Englishman says "bring me a knife so I can kill myself" so they bring him a knife and he takes it and says "god save the queen" and cuts his own throat.

So the king goes to the frenchman and says "were going to skin you, eat you and use your flesh for a canoe. Do you have any last requests?" And the frenchman asks for a knife and he says "viva la france" and cuts his own throat.

Then the king goes to Pollock and says "were going to skin you, eat you and use your flesh for a canoe. Do you have any last requests?" And the Pollock asks for a fork. So they hand him a fork and he starts stabbing himself allover his stomach and chest and arms violently and he yells "fuck your canoe!"

 

[App'z]

Lil Johnny's at a Long Island house party, He takes an attractive Blonde Hottie fishing with him on the Sound. After several hours without any luck, he asked, “Do you think we ought to try chumming?” Well, that Hottie looks toward the house on the distant shore, and says, “We might as well. They can’t see us.”

 

[Resnic]

A man goes into a bar and Lizzo is the bartender. He takes a seat at the bar and sees a sign behind the bar.

The sign says "hand job .25 cents. Cheese sandwich 19.75"

The man looks at lizzo and says "are you the one that gives the hand jobs?"

And lizzo says "why yes I am".

And the man says "well wash your hands bitch, I want a cheese sandwich".

 

[App'z]

 

[App'z]

Four men are in the hospital waiting rooms because their wives are having babies.
A nurse goes up to the first Dad and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”
The Dad says, “That’s a crazy coincidence because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”
The nurse says to the second Dad, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”
The Dad says, “That’s weird because I work for the 3M company.”
The nurse tells the third new Dad, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets!”
The 3rd Dad says, “That’s strange because I work for the Four Seasons hotel.”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall.
“What’s wrong?” she asks? He replies "I work for 7 up.

 

[BothWings]

​

I'm kind of surprised at the lack of handicapped jokes here. I actually know many handicapped people with a great sense of humor.

It's a shame they don't do stand-up comedy.

 

[Resnic]

A man is at a bar drunk as hell and pukes on himself and is saying "my wife is going to kill me. She told me not to drink anymore".

The bartender says "look take a 10 dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket and tell her a drunk threw up on you and gave you 10 dollars to get it cleaned"

The man says "that's a great idea. Thank you" and he goes home.

So the man gets home and his wife starts yelling and he tells his wife "no some drunk threw up on me and put 10 ars in my pocket to get the shirt cleaned".

His wife reaches in his pocket and takes the money out and says "but this is a 20" and the man says "oh yeah I forgot. He also shit in my pants".