How About a Joke Thread ?

[Dr.Destructo]

Have you heard about the new Bulldog, Shih Tzu hybrid dog?



They're dubbing it, the BullShitz

 

[App'z]

 

[Marshal Matt Dillon]

One day, Moses, Jesus and a old man were playing golf. They got to a water hole, and Moses was up to tee off first. So, he took his shot, and it landed squarely in the water. But Moses parted the water, took another shot, and landed next to the cup.

Jesus was up next, and his shot ended up close to the same place. But Jesus walked out onto the water, and took anouther shot. He landed even closer to the cup.

The old man stepped up, and took his shot. He also landed in almost the same spot, in the middle of the water. But a frog came by, and picked up the ball. It started to hop away when an eagle came swooping down on it, carrying it over the green. As it flew over, the frog dropped the ball. The ball then rolled into the hole for a perfect hole in one.

Moses then turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing golf with your Dad."

 

[App'z]

One day an at home Harms wife is alone and the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Harm at home?"
The Shirley replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." So they sit down and after a
while of silence the friend says, "You know, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a $100
bucks, just to see one." She thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks is a Hundred!
Shirley opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and puts a $100 on
the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says, "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them.
I'll give you another $100 if I could just see the both of them together." She is amazed by the offer sits and
thinks a bit about it and why not, $200 is $200? So, she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

After a bit Chris says, "I guess I will be going, maybe visit Harm another time." A while later Harm arrives back home from the store. (He had stopped off to BS with some friend at the Bar) -- Shirley goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over." Well; Harm thinks about it for a second and says, "Did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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[App'z]

One day 2 friends meet at an intersection with a loud Caca Crunch-bang.
The 2 angry men get out of their mangled car and beseech each other.
"Why are you in such a great hurry to go through this flood water that you wreck me?"
Jerome thinks about that for some time and says, "So, Look We couldn't help it, it's in our nature!"
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And we thought we had Nature all figured out, did we?

 

[g5000]

Three men party all night at a bar and meet around the water cooler the next day at work.

The first man says, "I was so drunk last night, when I got home I blew chunks on the living room carpet."

The second man says, "That's nothing. I got so drunk last night that my wife and I got into a big fight and she made me sleep on the couch. She said if I get that drunk again, she wants a divorce."

The third man says, "That's nothing. I got so drunk last night I couldn't see straight and got pulled over for a DUI. I'm probably going to lose my license!"

The first man says, "Guys! Guys! You don't understand! My dog's name is Chunks!"

 

[App'z]

A registered nurse who works in an ER, walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,
"Well, that’s great… just great……Some as$hole's got my pen!"
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[App'z]

A husband comes home to his Shirley after some drinks and stands swaying before her. She sees that his pants are ripped, his legs are bloody and he has bruises on his knuckles. Oddly though, everything above his waist seems perfectly fine. Wife: "Oh no… What’s happened to you this time?" "It was nothin’, right?"

"Jus’ got in this teeny, little fender-bender after leaving the Strip bar." "Barely scratched the bumper of the car in front of me." "So I get out of the car, and the other driver does too, an’ it’s this dwarf. And he’s all looking’ at the scratch and
shaken his lil’ head and making’ these lil’ notes on this lil’ pad.

And I’m jus’ like dumbfounded at the whole scene, right? And then finally, he comes up to me, gives me the evil eye and says," “I am not happy.” So I says, “Oh yeah? Then which one of ‘em are you then?” …and that’s when the fight started. ......
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[Ringo]

Knowing that most men hear the first phrase and remember the last one uttered by a woman, the wife said to her husband over dinner:
'Went shopping, wrecked the car, delicious soup, right?
Right,” the husband replied.

 

[Ringo]

A man goes to the doctor and says:
- “Doctor, do you know that lately I've been attracted to men?”?
The doctor looked at the man, shook his head and said:
- Well, medicine is powerless in this matter. Although, there is one folk
remedy.....
What is it, doctor?
In general, so: Take a 30-liter enameled tank with a lid,
you pour in it 20 liters of sour milk, put 2 kg of spoiled chicken giblets, 1 kg of rotted herring, 1 liter of wine vinegar, 2 kilos of yeast. All this is thoroughly stirred and put to a hot radiator for 3 days. When the time is up, you take a mug, scoop it up and drink it in big gulps. And so quickly repeat several times....
What's next, doctor?
Next? And then you'll understand what your ass is for!!!

 

[App'z]

 

[App'z]

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE RIGHT ?

 

[Captain Caveman]

My English teacher once told me I would be no good at poetry because of my dyslexia. So far, I've made 2 jugs, a vase, and an ashtray. So fuck you Mr Wilson!

 

[Deplorable Yankee]

Lil Johnny looks out his bedroom door and asks, " Why ?"

We have one already
It's called Biden ..making America normal again

 

[App'z]

 

[Auld Phart]

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally , it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age ,the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

[Ringo]

The picture of my wife in my wallet reminds me that there could be money in here.....

 

[Ringo]

An unemployed engineer could not find a job for a long time and decided to open his own clinic. He hung a sign on the building: “To cure an ailment - 100 $. If it doesn't work out, we'll give you back 200$.” A doctor passing by decided to take advantage of this and raise some money.

Hello, I don't know what happened, I have lost my taste for food, everything is the same now, tasteless.....
Nurse, please bring a pack of 22 with syrup and give it to the patient.
Okay, please open your mouth....
Ugh... it's gasoline!
Congratulations, you can taste again, that'll be 100$.

The doctor was terribly angry, but paid the bill, but returned to the clinic a few days later:
I've lost my memory, help me....
Nurse, please bring a pack of 22 with syrup and give it to the patient.
Patient, please open your mouth...
But this is gasoline again!
Congratulations, you have recovered your memory, you owe me 100$.

Even more upset, the doctor paid, but after a couple of days he decided to get even again:
Hello, I have lost my eyesight, please help me....
I am very sorry, but we are powerless here. Here is your 200$.
But there's only 100!
Congratulations, you've regain your eyesight!

 

[lg325]

My girlfriend said '' Hey there is a game on'' she turned on the television and gave me a cold drink and left the room. After a while I went to see what she was doing, she was taking a nap. So, she turned on the game to keep me occupied like a child so she wouldn't be disturbed.

 

[Captain Caveman]

I had the chance to sail the world's smallest boat, but I bottled it.