How About a Joke Thread ?

[App'z]

The Company just said they were putting $24 billion into securing my pension plan for the next 5 years. I asked what about me? No raise in the future, high prices, unending health insurance bills? Who's gonna put on the new Roof?

 

[ChemEngineer]

The Company just said they were putting $24 billion into securing my pension plan for the next 5 years. I asked what about me? No raise in the future, high prices, unending health insurance bills? Who's gonna put on the new Roof?

Supposed to be a joke thread. Your personal whines are no joke to anybody.

 

[App'z]

Marrieds are asleep in their Timber Mountain Home about 200 miles from the Coast and The Cell rings at 2 A.M.
The Blond checks her 14 Pro, listens for some minutes and asks
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?"
Well, shortly she breaks off the conversation, most likely with a Blond!
So the Blond Wifes half drunk husband, who has been erotically disturbed asks,
"Who was that?" Well the Blond Wife says,
"I don't know, some young woman was wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

 

[App'z]

Chem sometimes I have a lil bit of dry humor, maybe just move on to the next joke. Its like a Lil Johnny joke. How many are actually funny! The joke about retirements is pretty much a thing for most all insist is a joke.

 

[ChemEngineer]

Chem sometimes I have a lil bit of dry humor, maybe just move on to the next joke. Its like a Lil Johnny joke. How many are actually funny! The joke about retirements is pretty much a thing for most all insist is a joke.

Wah, wah, wah. I have no company retirement plan. Like many other business owners and independent contractors,
I funded my own SEP/IRA and Roth IRA. You sound like educators making jokes out of the pittance they claim they are paid.
In fact, their retirement incomes are far better than most anybody else's except crooked politicians, who give themselves the farm we bought and paid for. In my town, many teachers earn six figures for only nine months work.

 

[Captain Caveman]

Good sex is like a belt

If its not tight enough try another hole

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[App'z]

^ ^ While having a mild Comedic outlook!

 

[App'z]

Ladies can you make all you want to after 70 years of Age?

 

[Natural Citizen]

What's Blonde and dead in a closet?

The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.

Heh heh heh...

 

[App'z]

A blonde and a redhead meet in a bar after work for a drink, and are watching the 6 O'clock news. A man is threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bets the redhead $50 that he won't jump, and the redhead replies, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, he jumps, so the blonde gives the redhead the $50. The redhead says "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde answers, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead says, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".
Well the Blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't believe he'd jump again!"

 

[Stann]

A blonde and a redhead meet in a bar after work for a drink, and are watching the 6 O'clock news. A man is threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bets the redhead $50 that he won't jump, and the redhead replies, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, he jumps, so the blonde gives the redhead the $50. The redhead says "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde answers, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead says, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".
Well the Blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't believe he'd jump again!"

The invisible man finally met an invisible woman and they got married, now they even have kids but they're not much to look at.

 

[App'z]

The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell.
You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it.
You may choose one of these three doorways.
Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing
on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."
The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads
on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."
The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing
knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose."
The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee."

The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal?
After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying,
"Coffee break's over, get back on your heads!"

 

[App'z]

Lil Johnny's out walking and he meets a dirty and shabby-looking homeless man
who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
Lil Johnny checks his Wallet, extracts ten dollars and asks,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replies.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Lil Johnny then asks him.
"No, I don't gamble," the poor man said.
"I need everything I can beg just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Lil Johnny says.
"Are you NUTS!" replies the filthy man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a loose woman instead of food?" Lil Johnnys then asks him .
"I can get a great disease for ten lousy bucks?" exclaims the Derelict!
"Well," says Lil Johnny, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The Panhandler is amazed. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing this?
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting, Lil Johnny !"
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like
after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

 

[Stann]

Lil Johnny's out walking and he meets a dirty and shabby-looking homeless man
who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
Lil Johnny checks his Wallet, extracts ten dollars and asks,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replies.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Lil Johnny then asks him.
"No, I don't gamble," the poor man said.
"I need everything I can beg just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Lil Johnny says.
"Are you NUTS!" replies the filthy man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a loose woman instead of food?" Lil Johnnys then asks him .
"I can get a great disease for ten lousy bucks?" exclaims the Derelict!
"Well," says Lil Johnny, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The Panhandler is amazed. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing this?
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting, Lil Johnny !"
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like
after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

On a billboard in front of a Veterinary Clinic. " Free belly rubs with exam. Sorry, pets only. "
Last month's billboard posting, " I used spot remover on my dog...
He disappeared. "
Next month's billboard sneak preview,
" Our dog swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles. The vet is checking him out.
No word yet. "

 

[App'z]

WELL; Lil Johnny, a Father of three is on his Deathbed
His Lil Wife Joan is there with him carrying for him.
So, Lil Johnny knows he is near his last breaths,
he struggles with each breath to say a word,
asks his Lil Wife Joan: "Shall - we - let - John - take - over - the -Family - business?" Coughs and choking sounds.
Lil Johnny's Wife Lil Joan says, "Jimmy's better in business, lets ask John to help run it." Well, Lil Johnny wheezes and coughs.
"OK," says Lil Johnny, " Lets - let - Jimmy - run - our - families - business - but hacks and coughs and hacks -should -we - let - the - F150 - go - to -Jack." cough, hack, cough & coughs and hacks. Lil Johnnys Lil Woman Joan replies, "But John is better at maintaining it." Let's let John have it." "OK," says Lil Johnny more wheezes and coughing and struggling with each word, " should -- we -- let -- Jack -- have -- our -- Ford -- Mustang?"
Lil Johnnys wife Joan answers, "Can he share it with Jimmy?"
Lil Johnny is caught up in a coughing spasm for many minutes but still has some game in him so after some more coughs, So
Well after resting for some minutes Lil Johnny last words were to Lil Wife Joan,
"What --- -----should ------ --I ---- ---- leave ---------- ------- for ------------- -------------- --------- Jack ?"

 

[Ringo]

- I don't understand vegetarians. An animal can fight off a person. Or run away. And plants are generally defenseless...