Short and sweet

[Colin]

A woman decides to try to spice up her sex life and so buys a pair of crotchless panties. She's sitting with her legs open opposite her husband who asks;

"Are you wearing crotchless pants?"

"yes" she replies seductively and her husband says

"Thank fuck for that, I thought the sofa had burst!"

 

[Colin]

Sadism

Masochist says "Beat me"

Sadist replies "No"

 

[Phoenix]

Sadism

Masochist says "Beat me"

Sadist replies "No"

Mom finds S&M magazines under teenage boy's bed. Takes them to Dad and says "What do we do?!"

Dad replies, "Whatever you do, don't spank him."

 

[California Girl]

This is one damned funny thread!

 

[Baruch Menachem]

One day three ducks were swimming in a pond when a police officer pulled over the first duck. The officer asked, "What's your name and what are you doing here?"

The duck replies "My name is Quack and I was blowing bubbles in the pond."

The officer saw no reason to ask anything else so he let him go. The officer then pulled the second duck over and asked, "What's your name and what are you doing?"

The second duck replied, "My name is Quack Quack and I'm blowing bubbles in the pond."

The officer then let him go as well. The third duck swam by and the officer said, "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack and you were blowing bubbles in the pond too."

The third duck said, "No, my name is Bubbles."

Version I heard in 5th grade

New school teacher is taking attendance when a boy comes in late.
She asks "Why were you late?"
"I was on Strawberry Hill."
Teacher gives a look and sends him to his seat.

A little while later another boy comes in.
"Where were you, young man?"
"I was on Strawberry Hill."
"Correct attendance is a sign of good citizenship. Please come to class on time. Now take your seat.."

And shortly thereafter a young lady comes into class.
Teacher asks "So, were you up on Strawberry Hill too?"
"No mam, I am Strawberry Hill."

 

[Colin]

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

 

[Colin]

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV
when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have the chicken."

“Fuck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat.”

 

[Charles Stucker]

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV
when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have the chicken."

“Fuck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat.”

I guess in that house it is better to be a pussy.

 

[Colin]

Jewish mother's mathematics

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon !
All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of 5 pence piece.

Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get a thousand pounds a week allowance, you take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 pence!!!!

 

[Colin]

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

 

[California Girl]

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

Yep.

 

[Colin]

A woman had been on the game for years and was worried about the size of her pussy on her wedding night. She decided to tell her husband that she had "caught it" climbing over a fence.

After an hour in bed with her he looked at her and asked "Just how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"

 

[Colin]

I lost the pub quiz last night by 1 point.

The last question was “where do most women have curly hair?”

.......apparently the correct answer is Africa ?

 

[Colin]

I was swindled last week. I bought a book called How to Make it Big. It was all about money!

 

[editec]

Honeymoon Groom checking into the hotel with his new bride

Groom: Well here we are. Shall we order a bridal suite?

Bride - No, Dear, we won't need a bridle. If it gets too rough, I'll just hang on to your ears.

 

[Bootneck]

Wow! This thread has grown since I was last here! Oh well, let's keep it going.


Do you remember the days when young boys would enter the priesthood...



Rather than the other way round.

 

[Jos]

Murphy calls to see his mate paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says "my feet are frozen could you go upstairs and fetch me my slippers"
"No probs" so he runs upstairs and sees paddys 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Your da sent me up to Shag the both of you"
"liar" said the girls.
"Ill prove it" so he shouts downstairs "both of them"
Paddy shouts back "Of course, whats the use of f*ckin one"

 

[Jos]

A Wee Irish boy is crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to Fetch Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

 

[Colin]

An 80 year old man finds his wife doing a handstand, naked, against a wall.



Shocked, he asks, "What are you doing?"




She says, "I know you can't get it up, so maybe you can drop it in."

 

[Colin]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and
sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"