Short and sweet

three young women are sitting at the bar after work one Friday evening. One of them gets a phone call from a boyfriend and agrees to meet him around "eightish."

A bit later another gets a phone call, and arranges to meet the boyfriend around "nineish"


The last one sits nursing her drink at the bar, until she turns around and address the guys around her and says "Tenish, anyone?"
 
Mother to young son: " You haven't changed your underpants again..
disgusting..what if you had been hit by a car and were taken to hospital ?"
Son replies: " Wouldn't make any difference, if I had been hit by a car,
I'd have shit myself anyway."
 
Nothing annoys me more than when my finger accidentally pokes through the toilet paper mid wipe.
Other than that, I'm really enjoying my new job at the old folks home.
 
An elderly rich man finally got his first hearing aid, one of the small kind that fit inside the ear and are invisible.

He went back to the doctor for a post fit checkup. the doc asks how he likes the new hearing aid.

"It's great! I've changed my will three times!"
 
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'Careered off the road'
 
This one is a religious one, so sorry if i upset someone.

Hitler, Stalin and Jesus argue which person is the most famous down on earth.
Hitler: "Let's go to Berlin, there they will know me".
[SCENE: Berlin, Hitler knocks at a house-door, a man opens the door.]
Man: "Hail Hitler, Hail Stalin, who is the long-haired?"
Stalin: "Let's go to Moscow, there they will know me."
[SCENE: Moscow, Stalin knocks at a house-door, a man opens the door.]
Man: "Hail Stalin, Hail Hitler, who is the long-haired?"
[SCENE: Jesus now very disappointed and angry of noone knowing him in Berlin and Moscow makes this suggestion....]
Jesus: "Let's go to Jerusalem, there they will know me"
[SCENE: Jerusalem, Jesus knocks at a house-door, a man opens the door.]
Man: "Hail Hitler, Hail Stalin" [SCENE: Man looks shockingly at Jesus and shout indoors]
Man: "Anna bring back the nails, the long-haired is back".
 
Saw a mate this morning, he’s only got one arm.
“Where you off to” I shouted
“To change a light bulb,”he said
“That's going to be awkward isn’t it?”
“Not really…” he said “I’ve still got the receipt”.
 
Tourist in a bar in Inverness sees a local holding on to his middle and moaning.

Tourist asks "What's the matter?"

"Alas... I 've got the Yoooorsz"

"What's Yooorsz?" asks the tourist

"Ah, that's right generous of you mon... Barman... I'll have the Glenfiddich strait up"
 
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay
 
When I was born, I was given a choice: A big dick or a good memory...
I wish I could remember, what I chose.
 
Q. What do you call a dozen blondes in the freezer?
A. Frosted flakes.

***********

General Schwartzkopf was asked how it was possible to fight an enemy who was ready and willing to die for his cause.
His reply: "Accommodate him."
 
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."
 
In New Delhi, Blue-line buses are notorious for killing people in accidents.

Today a Blue-line bus driver saved
2 lives.

Howz that possible?
 
An Englishman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, ‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...’

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'

The Englishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Englishman smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
 
Not many people know of this interesting fact!

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.


In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.
 
Just bought some sausages with a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front.
On the back it says: prick with fork! Can't argue with that!
 
A businessman operating a store in a small town in Maine
received an invoice for two month's supply of merchandise.
Knowing that his clerk was a graduate of the University of
Maine, he called her into his office and asked her, If I gave
you $20,000 minus 14% how much would take off. She looked
at him for a moment and said, everything but my earrings!
 
A businessman operating a store in a small town in Maine
received an invoice for two month's supply of merchandise.
Knowing that his clerk was a graduate of the University of
Maine, he called her into his office and asked her, If I gave
you $20,000 minus 14% how much would take off. She looked
at him for a moment and said, everything but my earrings!

:lol: Hey! You kept this going!
 
A British company is developing a computer chip that stores
music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts
without listening to them.
 

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