Short and sweet

[Colin]

What's the difference between your penis and your paycheck?

- You dont have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

 

[Colin]

One day three ducks were swimming in a pond when a police officer pulled over the first duck. The officer asked, "What's your name and what are you doing here?"

The duck replies "My name is Quack and I was blowing bubbles in the pond."

The officer saw no reason to ask anything else so he let him go. The officer then pulled the second duck over and asked, "What's your name and what are you doing?"

The second duck replied, "My name is Quack Quack and I'm blowing bubbles in the pond."

The officer then let him go as well. The third duck swam by and the officer said, "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack and you were blowing bubbles in the pond too."

The third duck said, "No, my name is Bubbles."

 

[Dis]

Short and sweet

Hell. I clicked on this thinking you were talking about me.

 

[Bootneck]

Short and sweet

Hell. I clicked on this thinking you were talking about me.

Wouldn't talk about a lady behind her back. More to see from the front.

 

[Bootneck]

A priest is walking by a house and sees, sitting in the front steps, a young boy shaking a bottle of some clear liquid.

He asks the boy what he was doing. The boy responded, "This here, Father, is turpentine, the most powerfull liquid in the world".

The priest responds, "You are wrong, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. You rub a few drops of Holy Water on a pregnant womans belly and she'll pass a boy".

The boy responded, "That ain't nothing father. You rub a few drops of this in a cat's arse and he'll pass a motorcycle!"

 

[Luissa]

two guys are drinking when one says," I got get home before I piss of the wife, I wasn't suppose to be drinking." So drunk he starts to leave and outside he throws up all over himself. Mad he goes back inside and tells his friend, " What em I going to do now, surely she'll know I was drinking. His friend then hands him five dollars and tells him, " Tell her some guys puked on you at the bar but he gave you five bucks for dry cleaning."
Deciding this was a good idea the guys goes home and when his wife sees him and starts to get pissed he tells her the story about the guy puking on him and that he gave him five bucks for the cleaning.Reaching into his pocket his wife pulls out two five dollar bills and asks," There is ten bucks here, what is the other five dollars for?"
So the guy replies, " He shit in my pants too!"

 

[Bootneck]

Phoning the airport

Name.....?

Abdul Ali Rahzeb.

Sex.....?

About three to five times a week.

No, no, I mean male or female.

Male, female, donkey, sometime even camel.

Holy Cow !!!

Yes, cow, sheep, goat, whatever come my way.

But isn't that hostile?

Horse style, doggy style, any style.

Oh dear!

No, no, no !! deer run too fast.

 

[jillian]

Short and sweet

Hell. I clicked on this thinking you were talking about me.

me, too.

 

[Bootneck]

Short and sweet

Hell. I clicked on this thinking you were talking about me.

me, too.

I knew you wre sweet, Jillian. Just didn't know you were short.

 

[Bootneck]

Why is sex with Special Forces soldiers boring?

Because they're trained to slip in and out without being noticed!

 

[Bootneck]

Lad in the barbers with his dad says “dad why do condoms come in different size packets?”
Dad says “well son this 3 pack is for when you’re at college, 2 for Friday night 1 for Saturday morning”
“This 6 pack is for when you’re at university, 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday & 2 for Sunday”
“And the 12 pack is for when you’re married, 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ……………

 

[Bootneck]

Couple lying in bed and the bloke farts. 1 nil he says.
The woman farts, 1 all she says.
The bloke farts, 2 – 1 says he.
The woman lets one rip, 2 all she says.
The bloke farts and follows through n shits the bed.
What was that asked the woman?
Half time, change sides.

 

[Bootneck]

A couple decide to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary by booking the same hotel room where they had their honeymoon. In the morning they have breakfast in bed, and the wife says."This is so romantic, my breasts are all warm and tingly." "I'm not surprised", replies her husband. "One's hanging in your coffee and the other's lying on my bacon."

 

[Bootneck]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

 

[AVG-JOE]

Phoning the airport

Name.....?

Abdul Ali Rahzeb.

Sex.....?

About three to five times a week.

No, no, I mean male or female.

Male, female, donkey, sometime even camel.

Holy Cow !!!

Yes, cow, sheep, goat, whatever come my way.

But isn't that hostile?

Horse style, doggy style, any style.

Oh dear!

No, no, no !! deer run too fast.

The Brave exited his tee pee with 5 feathers in his hat and the tourist lady asked the meaning... 5 wives was the answer.

The the Chief came out sporting a head dress full of feathers - too many to count.

"That's hostile!" exclaimed the tourist.

"Of course Hoss-style" said the guide, "Chief hung like horse - how you think he became Chief?"

"Oh, dear" she blushed.

"No Deer lady! Hole to high, run too fast, snag-um balls in barb-wire fence!"

(Native American version)​

 

[AVG-JOE]

Lad in the barbers with his dad says “dad why do condoms come in different size packets?”
Dad says “well son this 3 pack is for when you’re at college, 2 for Friday night 1 for Saturday morning”
“This 6 pack is for when you’re at university, 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday & 2 for Sunday”
“And the 12 pack is for when you’re married, 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ……………

Pharmacist ringing up first condom purchase for nervous 16 year old: "That'll be $7.87, including the tax..."



" TACKS?!?" exclaimed the stunned kid, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed!"

 

[AVG-JOE]

A couple decide to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary by booking the same hotel room where they had their honeymoon. In the morning they have breakfast in bed, and the wife says."This is so romantic, my breasts are all warm and tingly." "I'm not surprised", replies her husband. "One's hanging in your coffee and the other's lying on my bacon."

A woman walks into the living room on her 50th wedding anniversary wearing the same lingerie that she wore on her wedding night and asks her husband "Do you remember what you said to me the first night you saw me in this?"

"I sure do!" he replies excitedly... "I said 'I'm gonna suck those sweet titties dry and drill that tight box a new opening!"

"And what do you say tonight?" she smiled coyly....​

"I'd say 'mission accomplished'!"

 

[Bootneck]

What gets longer when its pulled..
Fits snugly between a woman's breasts..
Fits neatly into a tight hole..
Works best of all when jerked hard...?????
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A seat belt you perv....!! Now Buckle Up..!!!

 

[Phoenix]

 

[Bootneck]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologised and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'