Short and sweet

[Bootneck]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: 'Nothing.'

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

 

[Phoenix]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: 'Nothing.'

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

 

[Bootneck]

After no dates or sex for 5 years a woman goes to see a Chinese sex therapist. Dr Chang. He says "Take off all your clothes and get down and craw reery, reery fas to other side of loom." She does that. "Now craw reery, reery fas back." As she did Dr Chang shook is head. "Your problem vewy vewy bad you have worse case of Ed Zachery disease I ever see, that why you get no date or sex."
Woman says "Oh my god" what’s Ed Zachery disease. Dr says, “its when your face looks Ed Zachery like your arse."

 

[Bootneck]

Guy gets caught stealing a tin of peaches from the supermarket.
When he goes to court the judge says for every peach I find in this tin I will give you one month in jail.
The judge opens the tin and counts up to eight and says to the man, “I sentence you to eight months in jail. Do you have anything to say?”

Guy replies, “Yes your honour. My wife stole a tin of peas.”

 

[Bootneck]

A Royal Marine is down to his last two rounds when he is presented with two clear targets, a Taliban and Gordon Brown. Who does he shoot first?

The Taliban of course, but why?

Answer: He is professional....business before pleasure!

 

[AVG-JOE]

A Royal Marine is down to his last two rounds when he is presented with two clear targets, a Taliban and Gordon Brown. Who does he shoot first?

The Taliban of course, but why?

Answer: He is professional....business before pleasure!

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Bootneck again.

Bummer, BootMan!

 

[Ringel05]

The Three Stages of Married Sex:
1. Anywhere and everywhere.
2. In the bedroom when the kids are away.
3. Saying fuck you as you pass each other in the hall.

 

[Bootneck]

Sun dial

A man is walking through the desert looking for water. He sees a naked man on his back with an erection. He asks the naked man what he is doing.

"Telling the time, this how we do it out here"

Comparison of our man's wristwatch and the erect organ reveal the latter to be quite accurate.

Having got directions to the oasis our man walks on. He then sees another figure hunched in the sand dunes; looking over his shoulder he sees that this man is masturbating furiously.

"What are you doing!?'

"Winding my watch, what's it fucking look like?!"

 

[Bootneck]

A young teenaged girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?

 

[Bootneck]

What do you call 100 women in a field of vibrators?


Squatters!

 

[random3434]

A man runs into a pub and said to the lanlord, "Fifteen gins please. Just had my first blow job." So the landlord pours 15 Gins and asks "Why fifteen gins? To steady the nerves?"

The man replies "No, but if fifteen gins dosen't get rid of the taste nothing will."

 

[Bootneck]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it he looks in his shirt pocket, and asks for another beer. After drinking that beer, he looks into his pocket again, and then asks for another beer. This happens another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your shirt pocket??" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

 

[Colin]

Judge to prostitute : 'When did you realise you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'

 

[Colin]

Medical researchers have found that Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

 

[Colin]

If women are so good at multitasking how come they can't have sex with a headache ?

 

[germanguy]

Son comes home at night and meets his daddy sitting in the living-room.
"Daddy - this evening I had the first time sex."
"Really - you have become a man now - Sit down with me and have a drink"
"Drink yes - but I won´t sit daddy!"

________________________________________

The nurse says to the doc:
"Sir, you are trying to sign this with your thermometer"
"Fuck it, I just wanna know where I have stuck my pen".

 

[Colin]

A man says to his wife" I want kinky sex tonight, can I come in your ear ?" Wife says "I might go deaf, so no way" Man replies"Well, I've been coming in your mouth for years and you're still talking".

 

[Mr.Fitnah]

Man walks into a cafe. "Hey why did you sack my son"?
Owner replies, "Because he had the potato peeler stuck up his arse".
Man, "Show me this potato peeler".
Owner, "Can't - I sacked him too".

http://www.usmessageboard.com/1388989-post1.html

Short and sweet 11-24-2009 07:42 AM Bootneck
Short and sweet 11-24-2009 03:54 PM Bootneck

I may be able to get 3 in in a day

 

[Colin]

Hear about the dwarf who could read the future who escaped from prison.
He was described as a short medium at large.

 

[Colin]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa! I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"