Short and sweet

[Bootneck]

Man walks into a cafe. "Hey why did you sack my son"?
Owner replies, "Because he had the potato peeler stuck up his arse".
Man, "Show me this potato peeler".
Owner, "Can't - I sacked him too".

 

[Big Black Dog]

You Brits and your sense of humor crack me up sometimes... As usual, another good one for those that can catch on...

 

[Bootneck]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

 

[Luissa]

Did you guys here Mickey and Minnie are divorcing?
When asked if it was because Minnie was crazy or overly jealous Mickey replied, " No, she was fucking Goofy!"

 

[Bootneck]

The word for the day is legs;

spread the word.

 

[Bootneck]

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning where her Daddy is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
Father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
"And Tigger?"

 

[Luissa]

lmao

 

[Bootneck]

A visitor to a mental institution asked the Director how he decided which patients should be kept in.

The Director said "We fill up a bath then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or bucket and ask them to empty the bath."

The visitor said "Oh, I see, a normal person would choose the bucket."

The Director said "No. A normal person would pull the fucking plug out. Now, would you like a bed near the window?"

 

[Phoenix]

A visitor to a mental institution asked the Director how he decided which patients should be kept in.

The Director said "We fill up a bath then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or bucket and ask them to empty the bath."

The visitor said "Oh, I see, a normal person would choose the bucket."

The Director said "No. A normal person would pull the fucking plug out. Now, would you like a bed near the window?"

I'd like the padded room please.

 

[Bootneck]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I’m overweight, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment and make me feel better"



The husband replies, "Your eyesight is perfect dear."

 

[Phoenix]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I’m overweight, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment and make me feel better"



The husband replies, "Your eyesight is perfect dear."

How long did it take for the swelling of his eyes to go down so he could see again?

 

[Bootneck]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I’m overweight, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment and make me feel better"



The husband replies, "Your eyesight is perfect dear."

How long did it take for the swelling of his eyes to go down so he could see again?

Put it this way, he doesn't go out much any more. Well, I suppose being three foot down, under the patio doesn't help.

 

[Phoenix]

Put it this way, he doesn't go out much any more. Well, I suppose being three foot down, under the patio doesn't help.

That does make it more difficult ...

 

[Bootneck]

Guy says to his wife: darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery? Wife replies: I'd take half, then leave you. Guy says: excellent! I had 3 numbers and won a tenner. Here's a fiver - now fuck off!

 

[Phoenix]

Guy says to his wife: darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery? Wife replies: I'd take half, then leave you. Guy says: excellent! I had 3 numbers and won a tenner. Here's a fiver - now fuck off!

 

[Bootneck]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife in bed making love to a tramp. "How could you?" Exclaims the husband. His wife replied. "It just happened. He knocked on the door asking for food, so I gave him the dinner you didn't want last night. Then I thought I would give him that shirt I gave you for your birthday that you haven't used. Then I gave him those black loafers you never wear. Then he asked me if there was anything else you didn't use..."

 

[Phoenix]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife in bed making love to a tramp. "How could you?" Exclaims the husband. His wife replied. "It just happened," replied his wife. "he knocked on the door asking for food, so I gave him the dinner you didn't want last night. Then I thought I would give him that shirt I gave you for your birthday that you haven't used. Then I gave him those black loafers you never wear. Then he asked me if there was anything else you didn't use..."

 

[Bootneck]

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

 

[Bootneck]

I got invited to the annual premature ejaculation society summer ball this year. When I asked what the dress code was, they told me to "just come in your pants"!

 

[random3434]

I got invited to the annual premature ejaculation society summer ball this year. When I asked what the dress code was, they told me to "just come in your pants"!

Dave S., is that you?