Short and sweet

[Valerie]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wz1W_omigwg&feature=player_embedded[/ame]

 

[Bootneck]

Nothing annoys me more than when my finger accidentally pokes through the toilet paper mid wipe.
Other than that, I'm really enjoying my new job at the old folks home.

 

[Colin]

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot
on her shoulder. Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of creature I have
on my shoulder...I'll sleep with you." Guy says: "An alligator?" Woman
says: "Close enough"

 

[germanguy]

Mother Superior discovers, that one of the nuns is pregnant.
She ask how this has happened.
"Mother Superior - you won´t believe what people put on candles these days"

 

[Bootneck]

I saw a pongo fall into the river this morning and being a responsible citizen,
I informed emergency services.

It's 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!

I'm now starting to think I've wasted a postage stamp!

 

[Colin]

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said...
'Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.'


She said.......'You've the biggest dick out of all your friends.'

 

[Phoenix]

 

[Phoenix]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

 

[Big Black Dog]

Question... If you have a big green ball in one hand and a big green ball in the other, what do you have? Answer: A pretty firm grip on the Jolly Green Giant.

 

[George Costanza]

Horse sits down at a bar and orders a double bourbon. Bartender brings the drink and takes one look at the horse. "Why the long face?"

 

[George Costanza]

I saw a pongo fall into the river this morning and being a responsible citizen,
I informed emergency services.

It's 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!

I'm now starting to think I've wasted a postage stamp!

I get the joke - but what's a pongo? According to Google, pongo is a resume service that helps people create job resumes.

 

[Bootneck]

I saw a pongo fall into the river this morning and being a responsible citizen,
I informed emergency services.

It's 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!

I'm now starting to think I've wasted a postage stamp!

I get the joke - but what's a pongo? According to Google, pongo is a resume service that helps people create job resumes.

Sorry. Royal Marine slang for a member of the Army!

 

[Phoenix]

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

 

[Colin]

A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, a Kiwi, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek,
a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn,
a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss all
went to a nightclub.....


The doorman said


"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

 

[Colin]

A woman said to her husband. "Go into the garden and cut me a nice cabbage for
our roast lunch". He was gone some time and she found he had died of a heart attack.
She was relating this to a friend some time later and the friend asked.

"what did you do?"

" I had to open a tin of peas" replied the widow.

 

[Colin]

man goes into a bookshop and asked the young lady assistant:

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

"I'm not sure if it’s in yet." she said.

"That’s the one, I'll take a copy."

 

[editec]

A blind guy walks into a bar.

Ouch!

 

[Colin]

Someone told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible.

I didn't believe it, but on checking, it's true!

Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

 

[Colin]

Senior doctor kicks open the hospital staff room door and shouts, "who told the
Pakistani guy in ward 10 that he only has 2 weeks to live?" A junior Dr puts up
his hand up and says, "me sir." The senior Dr growls at him, "you bastard,
I wanted to tell him."

 

[Phoenix]

There was a knock on the door this morning. When I opened it, I found a young man standing there in a suit and tie who said, "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness and would love to talk to you."
When we were both sitting down I turned and asked "So, what is it you’d like to talk about?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Beats me, I've never gotten this far before."