When men don’t want sex

[Barb]

Well now. Can I ask which one makes the final decision? My ex tried that. See, he was married before just as I was. His ex wife walked two steps behind him like the submissive one she was. When he said they needed new furniture, HE picked it out. Anything she liked, was dismissed.
Alas...that didnt work too slick on me. We went to get a new couch. He wanted that one. I wanted the other one. He said he was boss, put the bread on the table and it was his choice. I said ok. But when you get home tomorrow, that fucking couch is going to be out front, smoldering because Im gonna set the sob on fire. Guaranteed. So we got a different couch then the ones we originally picked out and we BOTH agreed on. Soon after that, i got a job. So his "whats yours is mine and whats mine is mine" changed real fast, lemme tell ya.
He tried all thru our marriage to pull that crap. Id just flick a lighter in his direction and smile.

Grace, I'm pretty sure you're a bright enough person to figure out which one gets to make the final decision in my mind. I'm not going to insult you by thinking that you don't. That's just one of the reasons why a relationship between someone like you and someone like me wouldn't work out very well.

Now, I'm a lot more open to her opinion on things of the nature that you're describing. At least in part because I have no fashion sense and couldn't care much less about furniture, curtains, carpet, and the like. However, there are going to be times in any relationship where there will be two disparate opinions and there needs to be a means for breaking that tie.... and I'm not a big believer in Compromise.

Anywho..I tend to digress.
Gotta have a meeting of the mind. One having "more power" over the other one or insisting 50/50 doesnt work never tried it. Or bent enough to MAKE it 50/50. It does indeed work. And it shouldnt be that anyway. Each person should put 110 percent EACH in.

I will willingly admit that I've never tried the 50/50 thing. It's not something that I'm interested in. It's not how my parents relationship worked. It's definitely not how either of my sets of grandparents' relationships worked. It's not how my brother and sister-in-law's relationship works (her vows included.... With this ring I thee wed, with this body I thee worship, with all my worldly possessions I thee endow). It's not about how much energy each person puts in. I agree with your 100% comment there. It's about control and power. Who has the final say in things.

Control and power, or trust?
See, to my mind, where there is a total disagreement, SOMEBODY has to drive. I'm tired. Maybe lazy...but I do believe that in the ideal relationship, I would TRUST the man in my life not to abuse the last word. That is not to say I wouldn't have ANY words, but that I would trust him enough not to be an asshole about it if he were given that. Haven't been in that relationship yet. Should have held out for it from jump. But it should NOT be about control and power, but about trusting someone to drive, to give them the trust to have that final say on any given issue, and to really know that they would only and always have your best interests at heart, even if that meant giving up a little ground himself.

 

[Anachronism]

Control and power, or trust?
See, to my mind, where there is a total disagreement, SOMEBODY has to drive. I'm tired. Maybe lazy...but I do believe that in the ideal relationship, I would TRUST the man in my life not to abuse the last word. That is not to say I wouldn't have ANY words, but that I would trust him enough not to be an asshole about it if he were given that. Haven't been in that relationship yet. Should have held out for it from jump. But it should NOT about control and power, but about trusting someone to drive, to give them the trust to have that final say on any given issue, and to really know that they would only and always have your best interests at heart, even if that meant giving up a little ground himself.

Trust is simply the opposite side of the same coin that I'm discussing, Barb. One side has the Control/Power and the other side has to Trust that the one with the Control/Power is going to wield it appropriately. That's why this sort of relationship is not to be entered into lightly or quickly. You really need to know that the other person is either worthy of that Trust, or willing to give that Trust, depending on which side of the equation you are on yourself.

 

[Anachronism]

Well then you are on a wild goose chase for a meaningful relationship with anything other than a robot. You may as well give up on that and put your energies toward achieving something else.

If they would come up with a cuddly teddy bear that could cook, clean, and do laundry, I'd be in my glory, Anguille. Until they do, I'm pretty much stuck looking at flesh and blood women. Robots are just too clunky and metalic to cuddle with for my tastes.

Control and power are what part of life is about but not all of it. You are not living life to it's fullest if you limit yourself to fufilling your need to be the boss. Good luck with that.

I gave up on "living life to its fullest" when I was about 10 and realized that my 25 & 40 month younger than me brothers were already bigger, stronger, faster, smarter, and better at pretty much everything they touched than I was. At that point I realized it was going to be "low hanging fruit" for Scott in this lifetime.

 

[Anguille]

Control and power, or trust?
See, to my mind, where there is a total disagreement, SOMEBODY has to drive. I'm tired. Maybe lazy...but I do believe that in the ideal relationship, I would TRUST the man in my life not to abuse the last word. That is not to say I wouldn't have ANY words, but that I would trust him enough not to be an asshole about it if he were given that. Haven't been in that relationship yet. Should have held out for it from jump. But it should NOT about control and power, but about trusting someone to drive, to give them the trust to have that final say on any given issue, and to really know that they would only and always have your best interests at heart, even if that meant giving up a little ground himself.

Trust is simply the opposite side of the same coin that I'm discussing, Barb. One side has the Control/Power and the other side has to Trust that the one with the Control/Power is going to wield it appropriately. That's why this sort of relationship is not to be entered into lightly or quickly. You really need to know that the other person is either worthy of that Trust, or willing to give that Trust, depending on which side of the equation you are on yourself.

You want a slave, not a wife.

 

[Anachronism]

You want a slave, not a wife.

So you're suggesting that my mother, both my grandmothers, and my sister-in-law are simply "slaves". That's an interesting take on things, Anguille. I can guarantee you that none of them see it that way.

 

[Anguille]

Well then you are on a wild goose chase for a meaningful relationship with anything other than a robot. You may as well give up on that and put your energies toward achieving something else.

If they would come up with a cuddly teddy bear that could cook, clean, and do laundry, I'd be in my glory, Anguille. Until they do, I'm pretty much stuck looking at flesh and blood women. Robots are just too clunky and metalic to cuddle with for my tastes.

Control and power are what part of life is about but not all of it. You are not living life to it's fullest if you limit yourself to fufilling your need to be the boss. Good luck with that.

I gave up on "living life to its fullest" when I was about 10 and realized that my 25 & 40 month younger than me brothers were already bigger, stronger, faster, smarter, and better at pretty much everything they touched than I was. At that point I realized it was going to be "low hanging fruit" for Scott in this lifetime.

 

[Barb]

Control and power, or trust?
See, to my mind, where there is a total disagreement, SOMEBODY has to drive. I'm tired. Maybe lazy...but I do believe that in the ideal relationship, I would TRUST the man in my life not to abuse the last word. That is not to say I wouldn't have ANY words, but that I would trust him enough not to be an asshole about it if he were given that. Haven't been in that relationship yet. Should have held out for it from jump. But it should NOT about control and power, but about trusting someone to drive, to give them the trust to have that final say on any given issue, and to really know that they would only and always have your best interests at heart, even if that meant giving up a little ground himself.

Trust is simply the opposite side of the same coin that I'm discussing, Barb. One side has the Control/Power and the other side has to Trust that the one with the Control/Power is going to wield it appropriately. That's why this sort of relationship is not to be entered into lightly or quickly. You really need to know that the other person is either worthy of that Trust, or willing to give that Trust, depending on which side of the equation you are on yourself.

Would you agree that there needs to be mutual respect as to the reasons and points on each side of any issue? That people need to argue fairly and reasonably? The reason I think one person should have the last word is because where no agreement is reached, arguments last forever, and that resentment destroys relationships. If one person, and it doesn't always have to be the man (but like I said, I'm tired), is chosen to have that last word, that is a position of great responsibility. That is why I have a problem with the words "control and power," because they convey privilege, rather than responsibility. Where one approaches that power from a stance of responsibility for someone elses well being and happiness, rather than from a place of control and personal gratification is where the trustworthiness for holding that position stems.

 

[Samson]

I gave up on "living life to its fullest" when I was about 10 and realized that my 25 & 40 month younger than me brothers were already bigger, stronger, faster, smarter, and better at pretty much everything they touched than I was. At that point I realized it was going to be "low hanging fruit" for Scott in this lifetime.

I gave up when I was 4 and lost my rubber ducky.

 

[Anachronism]

Sarcasm doesn't look good on you, and I'm not looking for a pity party. It's simply the reality of the situation. I know what my strengths, weaknesses, and limitations are. Not everyone can say that about themselves. I'm just a lot more open and honest about them.

 

[Barb]

Control and power, or trust?
See, to my mind, where there is a total disagreement, SOMEBODY has to drive. I'm tired. Maybe lazy...but I do believe that in the ideal relationship, I would TRUST the man in my life not to abuse the last word. That is not to say I wouldn't have ANY words, but that I would trust him enough not to be an asshole about it if he were given that. Haven't been in that relationship yet. Should have held out for it from jump. But it should NOT about control and power, but about trusting someone to drive, to give them the trust to have that final say on any given issue, and to really know that they would only and always have your best interests at heart, even if that meant giving up a little ground himself.

Trust is simply the opposite side of the same coin that I'm discussing, Barb. One side has the Control/Power and the other side has to Trust that the one with the Control/Power is going to wield it appropriately. That's why this sort of relationship is not to be entered into lightly or quickly. You really need to know that the other person is either worthy of that Trust, or willing to give that Trust, depending on which side of the equation you are on yourself.

You want a slave, not a wife.

I'm not sure that is entirely fair. Given the ideal (intellectually and emotionally) male, it wouldn't be a bad bargain. That's hard to locate though.

 

[Anguille]

Sarcasm doesn't look good on you, and I'm not looking for a pity party. It's simply the reality of the situation. I know what my strengths, weaknesses, and limitations are. Not everyone can say that about themselves. I'm just a lot more open and honest about them.

You need therapy. I mean that with no malice intended.

 

[Anachronism]

I gave up when I was 4 and lost my rubber ducky.

Sarcasm doesn't look good on you either, Samson. As I alluded to, I grew up with two younger brothers who were pretty much better at everything physical, mental, and social than I was. Everything they touched turned to gold. Everything I touched turned into dog crap. After a while it's not worth even bothering to try anymore. I can honestly say it was High School before I ever really succeed at anything, and even then it was as a member of a team, not an individual.

 

[Anguille]

Trust is simply the opposite side of the same coin that I'm discussing, Barb. One side has the Control/Power and the other side has to Trust that the one with the Control/Power is going to wield it appropriately. That's why this sort of relationship is not to be entered into lightly or quickly. You really need to know that the other person is either worthy of that Trust, or willing to give that Trust, depending on which side of the equation you are on yourself.

You want a slave, not a wife.

I'm not sure that is entirely fair. Given the ideal (intellectually and emotionally) male, it wouldn't be a bad bargain. That's hard to locate though.

Not my idea of the ideal male! Maybe as a father figure but not as a mate. I think two heads are better than one. (In a relationship, I'm not saying I like two headed men. )

 

[Anguille]

I gave up when I was 4 and lost my rubber ducky.

Sarcasm doesn't look good on you either, Samson. As I alluded to, I grew up with two younger brothers who were pretty much better at everything physical, mental, and social than I was. Everything they touched turned to gold. Everything I touched turned into dog crap. After a while it's not worth even bothering to try anymore. I can honestly say it was High School before I ever really succeed at anything, and even then it was as a member of a team, not an individual.

There is nothing that doesn't look good on Samson. Have you seen his avatar?

 

[Samson]

You want a slave, not a wife.

I'm not sure that is entirely fair. Given the ideal (intellectually and emotionally) male, it wouldn't be a bad bargain. That's hard to locate though.

Not my idea of the ideal male! Maybe as a father figure but not as a mate. I think two heads are better than one. (In a relationship, I'm not saying I like two headed men. )

Speaking of head.......


The more the merrier.

 

[Samson]

I gave up when I was 4 and lost my rubber ducky.

Sarcasm doesn't look good on you either, Samson. As I alluded to, I grew up with two younger brothers who were pretty much better at everything physical, mental, and social than I was. Everything they touched turned to gold. Everything I touched turned into dog crap. After a while it's not worth even bothering to try anymore. I can honestly say it was High School before I ever really succeed at anything, and even then it was as a member of a team, not an individual.

Thanks, now I'm giving up just a little more.



I'm a delicate flower, damnit.

 

[Anguille]

I gave up when I was 4 and lost my rubber ducky.

Sarcasm doesn't look good on you either, Samson. As I alluded to, I grew up with two younger brothers who were pretty much better at everything physical, mental, and social than I was. Everything they touched turned to gold. Everything I touched turned into dog crap. After a while it's not worth even bothering to try anymore. I can honestly say it was High School before I ever really succeed at anything, and even then it was as a member of a team, not an individual.

You keep saying you don't want a pity party but that's the vibe I get from many of your posts. Whether you want it or not, you have my pity. You seem sincere enough in wanting a better life but you aren't willing to compromise or put your convictions to the test. You also seem smart enough that someday you will.

 

[Barb]

I gave up when I was 4 and lost my rubber ducky.

Sarcasm doesn't look good on you either, Samson. As I alluded to, I grew up with two younger brothers who were pretty much better at everything physical, mental, and social than I was. Everything they touched turned to gold. Everything I touched turned into dog crap. After a while it's not worth even bothering to try anymore. I can honestly say it was High School before I ever really succeed at anything.

Well, hell. It was High school before lots of us succeeded at anything. K-12 is NOT the be all or end all of anything. Its a VERY small part of life, and if you let it color everything that follows, you're selling life, and yourself, very short.

I was ugly, and my mother dressed me funny. She cut my hair herself, too. My bangs were stubs lots of times. There's a whole WORLD out there. You're only 37, but at 37 you're judging that world on reactions you got in K-12?! You wasted 25 YEARS of your life shackled to a lunchroom you don't even eat in anymore. That's fucked up, dude.

 

[Barb]

You want a slave, not a wife.

I'm not sure that is entirely fair. Given the ideal (intellectually and emotionally) male, it wouldn't be a bad bargain. That's hard to locate though.

Not my idea of the ideal male! Maybe as a father figure but not as a mate. I think two heads are better than one. (In a relationship, I'm not saying I like two headed men. )

All men are two headed. I wouldn't have them any other way. And I don't have daddy issues. I never let anyone have what I proposed, simply because none of the men I've known could handle it without one of their heads inflating. And not the right one. Still, two people can't drive at the same time, and even if its a shared task, only one can drive at any one time.

 

[Grace]

Ive given up. Dude, you need to see someone about your issues. And you DO have issues.