When men don’t want sex

[Anguille]

What tends to kill me is the fact that I am upfront and honest about the fact that I'm looking for a long-term relationship, not some sort of casual dating thing, and that I'm something of a traditionalist/misogynist.

Umm ... you might want to rethink that attitude if you're serious about having a relationship with a woman.

 

[Grace]

Im sorry if I offended you with my bluntness, anachronism, but maybe what you think and what you say is what is turning women away? I have no clue. But I DO wish for you to experience love in the way you have not found. Yet. Youre only 37. In your prime.
Im no Gods Gift to Men, but I can pull an engine with or without the bellhousing intact (easier with it in...all one whack as long as you aim correctly and turn here and there), I can build a room, I can put up fences, I can climb trees (ask Lumpy, lol), I have a brain that functions quite well, a great problem solver, dont much like sex cuz I forgot what its all about (my choice) and am pretty much secure in who I am and what I can do...or choose to do. Im old enough to be your ma...so Im telling you like a ma would....take down your armor, toss the list, and open your heart. Youll get stabbed, yes. But being stabbed is at least feeling. You are shutting yourself off and its coming across to women. Like you have a big ol note on your shirt that says DISS ME! I KNOW YOU WILL! Take it off. Because someone IS out there. You just havent found her yet. Stop looking. And she might find YOU.

 

[Grace]

What tends to kill me is the fact that I am upfront and honest about the fact that I'm looking for a long-term relationship, not some sort of casual dating thing, and that I'm something of a traditionalist/misogynist.

Umm ... you might want to rethink that attitude if you're serious about having a relationship with a woman.

Yeah. That part is what threw me for a loop. Misogynists DO NOT LIKE WOMEN. So describing yourself as that is totally.....weird.

 

[HUGGY]

Im sorry if I offended you with my bluntness, anachronism, but maybe what you think and what you say is what is turning women away? I have no clue. But I DO wish for you to experience love in the way you have not found. Yet. Youre only 37. In your prime.
Im no Gods Gift to Men, but I can pull an engine with or without the bellhousing intact (easier with it in...all one whack as long as you aim correctly and turn here and there), I can build a room, I can put up fences, I can climb trees (ask Lumpy, lol), I have a brain that functions quite well, a great problem solver, dont much like sex cuz I forgot what its all about (my choice) and am pretty much secure in who I am and what I can do...or choose to do. Im old enough to be your ma...so Im telling you like a ma would....take down your armor, toss the list, and open your heart. Youll get stabbed, yes. But being stabbed is at least feeling. You are shutting yourself off and its coming across to women. Like you have a big ol note on your shirt that says DISS ME! I KNOW YOU WILL! Take it off. Because someone IS out there. You just havent found her yet. Stop looking. And she might find YOU.

Now who is being Skeery??????

 

[Grace]

Im sorry if I offended you with my bluntness, anachronism, but maybe what you think and what you say is what is turning women away? I have no clue. But I DO wish for you to experience love in the way you have not found. Yet. Youre only 37. In your prime.
Im no Gods Gift to Men, but I can pull an engine with or without the bellhousing intact (easier with it in...all one whack as long as you aim correctly and turn here and there), I can build a room, I can put up fences, I can climb trees (ask Lumpy, lol), I have a brain that functions quite well, a great problem solver, dont much like sex cuz I forgot what its all about (my choice) and am pretty much secure in who I am and what I can do...or choose to do. Im old enough to be your ma...so Im telling you like a ma would....take down your armor, toss the list, and open your heart. Youll get stabbed, yes. But being stabbed is at least feeling. You are shutting yourself off and its coming across to women. Like you have a big ol note on your shirt that says DISS ME! I KNOW YOU WILL! Take it off. Because someone IS out there. You just havent found her yet. Stop looking. And she might find YOU.

Now who is being Skeery??????

Sorry.

 

[Anachronism]

In that case, we need to get you doing it until you get some more confidence in doing so. A little success will do wonders for that.[/qoute]

True. The other part of it being that I'm not really often in situations where I'm around a lot of single women, which obviously doesn't help things a whole lot either.

"I can slow dance decently, but..." Two words-dance lessons. Invest in yourself.

Right now I'm not sure I could fit them into the schedule, but it's something I'll keep in mind.

Find it, see if you still like it; maybe I can suggest something similar to try.

It's called "Stampede". Apparently made by a company called "Annie Oakley" in Ligonier, IN. I got it at a tack shop (equine equipment) probably 5-6 years ago. The ladies seem to like the smell of it.

That, we might have to temporarily modify; could just be, you're spooking some potential candidates for that by going straight for it from the beginning. Most of these women are used to guys not wanting to commit, so when they get the opposite, that might be making them uncomfortable. BTW, what age women we talking about? Early to mid thirties, maybe? You might have to get to your goal by degrees, rather than in one fell swoop. You sure you want the June Cleaver type? Could you deal with more of an equal, rather than a subordinate?

We're talking late twenties/early thirties through late thirties in age. I'm sure that in some cases I am spooking some women with the idea that what I'm looking for is a relationship, not a one-night stand, or a casual dating arrangement. However, at my age I really can't afford to waste a whole lot more time.

As for the June Cleaver thing... I have always been a believer that there has to be one person in charge of any endeavour. Someone who holds the responsibility of making those final decisions and taking the blame when things go wrong. It doesn't mean they don't take other people's opinions into account, but when the decision has to be made, someone has to have the Veto power or a lot of votes end up 1 - 1. Whether that split is 65/35 or 52/48 or 100/0 really ends up depending on the individuals involved. But in my experience 50/50 does not work.

Because so far, it hasn't worked? . Never mind that; remember, you only have to get lucky ONCE....

Luck is not something I've ever had much success with.

The clothes I can help you with warmer season-Chinos (khakis), polo shirt (several colors), button-down, long-sleeve cotton oxford cloth shirts (I suggest the traditional light blue), sleeves rolled up to the elbow for a more casual look, topped with a sportcoat on cooler evenings. Three piece suit for dressier surroundings, . Shoes, 1 pair dress loafers-brown or cordovan, 1 or 2 pair penny loafers or similar casual shoes-rotate these daily. Socks, khaki or black crew type, black or dark brown dress socks for dress shoes (with suit)..

I actually have most of that already. Some of it needs to be replaced due to wear and sizing issues. Loafers don't work on my feet, they're too narrow and I have no heel. I tend to wear my hiking boots a lot and have two pairs (black and brown) of dress shoes that I'll wear when I dress up.

Cooler months-replace khakis with british tan cavlry twill trousers, or grey wool flannel trousersLong-sleeve cotton oxford shirts (flannels get to looking sloppy) topped with sweater, and outer jacket (Filson or Barber wax cotton jacket would be good in all weather, and will last a lifetime.) You're slim, so your trousers should be flat--front (no pleats) enough socks and underwear for at least a daily change, plus a change for the evening.Kepp the trousers and shirts neatly pressed. This look id basic classic, and should suit youI think I'd suggest a mid gray or navy suit, possibly with a vertical pinstripe (makes you look taller. No horizontal patternsDress shirts for suit-plain collar, light or French blue, French cuffs. Again basic classic, never out of style. Ties-relatively narrow (current style, several colors, simple club pattern or solid (No stripes with pinstripe suit!) That should work.

I'll have to look into the trousers. Outside of that, I have a fair amount of what you're suggesting. I think I've got 4 sportscoats or suit jackets right now. Two grey, one black, and one khaki. Probably have to replace a couple of the sweaters with newer, lighter styles. Ties are not a problem. I've got a drawerful and they're a pretty good variety. Not a lot of real narrow ones though.

How's that, for a beginning?

That's a good start. I'm going to be sorting clothing in the next 4-6 weeks anyway so I'll be trying to keep this all in mind.

He's had a rough hill to climb. Let's see if we can square him away a little, and see if any of his wants are amenable to change.

There are some things that are maleable and there are others which are set in stone more firmly than the pyramids.

 

[Anguille]

As for the June Cleaver thing... I have always been a believer that there has to be one person in charge of any endeavour. Someone who holds the responsibility of making those final decisions and taking the blame when things go wrong. It doesn't mean they don't take other people's opinions into account, but when the decision has to be made, someone has to have the Veto power or a lot of votes end up 1 - 1. Whether that split is 65/35 or 52/48 or 100/0 really ends up depending on the individuals involved. But in my experience 50/50 does not work.

Do you actually have any experience?

 

[The Gadfly]

Well, the more I read, the more I dont think you are looking for a mate at all. You want a Little house On The Prairie woman what will pull the plow, feed the chickens, wash the clothes in the water trough outside, stable the horses, clean the stalls then run in at dinner time to make sure you have a nice hot meal she just made from scratch that she grew herself in your garden (I say you, because it sure wouldnt be hers from what Ive gathered so far), have a nice hot drawn bath she heated the water from the fireplace she stoked and make sure your pipe is stuffed with tobaccy and your slippers on your feet after giving them a good massage with Bagbalm that was used on the cows in the barn. And for those efforts, she doesnt get a kiss, a hug, told she is loved and appreciated. Its her job as your mate. And shes nothing more.

I can definitely see how you would come to that conclusion. I'm not even going to deny that there are some parts of it that are correct. I am definitely looking for a much more Traditional woman than most women today tend to be. You've gone more than a little over the top with your description, though.

Yes, the domestic chores are more a part of the female role so far as I'm concerned, but I have no interest in living on a farm, the garden would most definitely be hers (I have a black thumb), and I'm more than capable of taking a shower by myself with the hot and cold running water in the bathroom. In return she gets financially and emotionally supported, and does not have to deal with the unpleasantness of the outside world if she doesn't want to.

I really don't believe in romantic love because I can honestly say that at almost 37 years old, I've never experienced it. Not from my end or towards me by someone else. I would love to be proven wrong, but until I actually experience the sensation, I have a hard time believing it actually exists. That does not mean that there shouldn't be an emotional and physical bond between two people in a relationship.

I understand your feeling, but what you need to understand, is that love (the romantic kind) really DOES exist. For the moment, you're just going to have to take my word for that. Now, whether you are going to get to experience that, depends on you. It depends on whether or not you can bring yourself to be open to some new ideas and some new possibilities, and take a leap of faith to get there.

Now I'm gonna be just a bit tough here. Life handed you a mountain. It isn't fair; but it's there, and you're still climbing it. It's like that hole life dropped me in years ago called PTSD. That wasn't fair, and I didn't ask for it either, but it happened. I stayed in that hole, until I realized I was the only one who could get me out of it. I started climbing, and while I'm not quite out of it yet, I can see the top; I haven't quit, and I won't quit. Now you've climbed a long way up that mountain. We just threw you some more rope, so now, you have a choice; you can keep climbing, or you can stop where you are and quit. We can throw you some more rope and pitons, but we can't pull you up. I'm hoping you choose to keep climbing, because you have come too damn far to quit.

 

[HUGGY]

Me thinks "Anachronism" needs to see the movie "Pay It Forward"

 

[Anachronism]

Umm ... you might want to rethink that attitude if you're serious about having a relationship with a woman.

So should I lie about the fact that I believe in traditional gender roles and the place of both men and women in society, or should I just ignore it until I'm far enough along in the relationship that we'll both get hurt even worse when she finds out? I ask that because I really don't see my viewpoints on that topic changing any time soon.

It might take a Saint to live with me, but it'll take a Divinely Inspired MIRACLE to change my mind on that particular subject.

Im sorry if I offended you with my bluntness, anachronism, but maybe what you think and what you say is what is turning women away?

No offense taken at all, IMEURU. I have no doubt that my viewpoints, attitudes, and socio-political bent have a lot to do with what is precluding me from finding a permanent relationship. I've never doubted that at all. What I've also never done is to meet a woman who has made me feel a need to reconsider any one of those views in order to maintain a relationship with her.

But I DO wish for you to experience love in the way you have not found. Yet. Youre only 37. In your prime.

I don't know about this being my "Prime". I'm in the best physical shape of my life, but other than that everything else in life seems to be hanging on by threads or held together with duct tape and chicken wire.

Im no Gods Gift to Men, but I can pull an engine with or without the bellhousing intact (easier with it in...all one whack as long as you aim correctly and turn here and there), I can build a room, I can put up fences, I can climb trees (ask Lumpy, lol), I have a brain that functions quite well, a great problem solver, dont much like sex cuz I forgot what its all about (my choice) and am pretty much secure in who I am and what I can do...or choose to do.

Absolutely nothing wrong with any of that, IMEURU. Personally I like an intelligent and strong woman. In fact I would suggest that any woman who would have me would have to have both in extreme abundance. However, even if you were in my age bracket, we wouldn't be a good fit, relationship-wise.

Im old enough to be your ma...so Im telling you like a ma would....take down your armor, toss the list, and open your heart. Youll get stabbed, yes. But being stabbed is at least feeling. You are shutting yourself off and its coming across to women. Like you have a big ol note on your shirt that says DISS ME! I KNOW YOU WILL! Take it off. Because someone IS out there. You just havent found her yet. Stop looking. And she might find YOU.

The armor/walls were built because of a prior "open heart" policy that led to nothing more than pain, suffering, and a whole lot of heartache in my younger years. I've seen the blackness inside the human heart and the willingness of people to tear another's heart out. "Thank you Ma'am, may I have another" only works for so long. It's going to take something very unusual to get the armor/wall to come down. I hope it will someday, but I'm not holding my breath on it.

Yeah. That part is what threw me for a loop. Misogynists DO NOT LIKE WOMEN. So describing yourself as that is totally.....weird.

No. Misogynists believe that women, like men, have a proper role in society and that role is the subordinate role.

 

[Anguille]

Anachronism, you are your own worst enemy.

 

[Anachronism]

Do you actually have any experience?

Relationship experience, yes. Long-term relationship experience, no.

I understand your feeling, but what you need to understand, is that love (the romantic kind) really DOES exist. For the moment, you're just going to have to take my word for that. Now, whether you are going to get to experience that, depends on you. It depends on whether or not you can bring yourself to be open to some new ideas and some new possibilities, and take a leap of faith to get there.

You know, I'd really like to believe that it does exist. I've been told it does by a lot of very good friends and people that I both trust and respect a whole lot. Even more than that I'd really like to experience it, even just for a moment. To find that one person who I just can't be without. The one who is my other half of my soul. I'm just not certain that I can do it. That I can open up that much. I'm willing to give it a shot, but I'm not sure how many more unpleasant experiences I'm going to be able to deal with.

Now I'm gonna be just a bit tough here. Life handed you a mountain. It isn't fair; but it's there, and you're still climbing it. It's like that hole life dropped me in years ago called PTSD. That wasn't fair, and I didn't ask for it either, but it happened. I stayed in that hole, until I realized I was the only one who could get me out of it. I started climbing, and while I'm not quite out of it yet, I can see the top; I haven't quit, and I won't quit. Now you've climbed a long way up that mountain. We just threw you some more rope, so now, you have a choice; you can keep climbing, or you can stop where you are and quit. We can throw you some more rope and pitons, but we can't pull you up. I'm hoping you choose to keep climbing, because you have come too damn far to quit.

I'm quite well aware that I'm not the only one who got handed a shit-sandwich for lunch by the Fates. More than likely the same experience that gave you your PTSD ended up killing my father ten years ago (though the doctors won't admit that his cancer had anything to do with exposure to Agent Orange, of course).

My issue is that every time I've gotten to the top of the hole in this lifetime, it's turned out to be one of the spots in a Whack-A-Mole game and before I even get to take in the scenery I get slammed right back down to the bottom of the hole. Makes one much less interested in sticking your head up again after a while.

I willing to take a chance at least one more time, but I'm not sure how many more lumps this thick skull can take before it's just not worth sticking the head up anymore.

Me thinks "Anachronism" needs to see the movie "Pay It Forward"

What I've been "paying forward" over the years has been exactly what I've gotten from most of society.... the worst parts of human nature and the blackest parts of the human heart.

 

[Anachronism]

Anachronism, you are your own worst enemy.

Probably; but most of the time I'm also my only ally; so it's kind of a mixed bag as to whether I love myself or want to strangle myself.

 

[Grace]

As for the June Cleaver thing... I have always been a believer that there has to be one person in charge of any endeavour. Someone who holds the responsibility of making those final decisions and taking the blame when things go wrong. It doesn't mean they don't take other people's opinions into account, but when the decision has to be made, someone has to have the Veto power or a lot of votes end up 1 - 1. Whether that split is 65/35 or 52/48 or 100/0 really ends up depending on the individuals involved. But in my experience 50/50 does not work.

Do you actually have any experience?

Well now. Can I ask which one makes the final decision? My ex tried that. See, he was married before just as I was. His ex wife walked two steps behind him like the submissive one she was. When he said they needed new furniture, HE picked it out. Anything she liked, was dismissed.
Alas...that didnt work too slick on me. We went to get a new couch. He wanted that one. I wanted the other one. He said he was boss, put the bread on the table and it was his choice. I said ok. But when you get home tomorrow, that fucking couch is going to be out front, smoldering because Im gonna set the sob on fire. Guaranteed. So we got a different couch then the ones we originally picked out and we BOTH agreed on. Soon after that, i got a job. So his "whats yours is mine and whats mine is mine" changed real fast, lemme tell ya.
He tried all thru our marriage to pull that crap. Id just flick a lighter in his direction and smile.

Anywho..I tend to digress.
Gotta have a meeting of the mind. One having "more power" over the other one or insisting 50/50 doesnt work never tried it. Or bent enough to MAKE it 50/50. It does indeed work. And it shouldnt be that anyway. Each person should put 110 percent EACH in.

 

[Anachronism]

Well now. Can I ask which one makes the final decision? My ex tried that. See, he was married before just as I was. His ex wife walked two steps behind him like the submissive one she was. When he said they needed new furniture, HE picked it out. Anything she liked, was dismissed.
Alas...that didnt work too slick on me. We went to get a new couch. He wanted that one. I wanted the other one. He said he was boss, put the bread on the table and it was his choice. I said ok. But when you get home tomorrow, that fucking couch is going to be out front, smoldering because Im gonna set the sob on fire. Guaranteed. So we got a different couch then the ones we originally picked out and we BOTH agreed on. Soon after that, i got a job. So his "whats yours is mine and whats mine is mine" changed real fast, lemme tell ya.
He tried all thru our marriage to pull that crap. Id just flick a lighter in his direction and smile.

Grace, I'm pretty sure you're a bright enough person to figure out which one gets to make the final decision in my mind. I'm not going to insult you by thinking that you don't. That's just one of the reasons why a relationship between someone like you and someone like me wouldn't work out very well.

Now, I'm a lot more open to her opinion on things of the nature that you're describing. At least in part because I have no fashion sense and couldn't care much less about furniture, curtains, carpet, and the like. However, there are going to be times in any relationship where there will be two disparate opinions and there needs to be a means for breaking that tie.... and I'm not a big believer in Compromise.

Anywho..I tend to digress.
Gotta have a meeting of the mind. One having "more power" over the other one or insisting 50/50 doesnt work never tried it. Or bent enough to MAKE it 50/50. It does indeed work. And it shouldnt be that anyway. Each person should put 110 percent EACH in.

I will willingly admit that I've never tried the 50/50 thing. It's not something that I'm interested in. It's not how my parents relationship worked. It's definitely not how either of my sets of grandparents' relationships worked. It's not how my brother and sister-in-law's relationship works (her vows included.... With this ring I thee wed, with this body I thee worship, with all my worldly possessions I thee endow). It's not about how much energy each person puts in. I agree with your 100% comment there. It's about control and power. Who has the final say in things.

 

[High_Gravity]

Me thinks "Anachronism" needs to see the movie "Pay It Forward"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjkJDu0B-1U

Actually I would recommend this movie for him.

 

[Grace]

Control and power, huh? No further comment.
Just a "good luck".

 

[Anachronism]

Control and power, huh? No further comment.
Just a "good luck".

Control and Power are what life is about, Grace. That's not popular to say, and doesn't fit into the PC, 21st Century mold, but that IS what life is actually about. Anyone who tells you differently is either naive or lying to themselves and to you.

 

[Anguille]

and I'm not a big believer in Compromise.

Well then you are on a wild goose chase for a meaningful relationship with anything other than a robot. You may as well give up on that and put your energies toward achieving something else.

 

[Anguille]

Control and power, huh? No further comment.
Just a "good luck".

Control and Power are what life is about, Grace. That's not popular to say, and doesn't fit into the PC, 21st Century mold, but that IS what life is actually about. Anyone who tells you differently is either naive or lying to themselves and to you.

Control and power are what part of life is about but not all of it. You are not living life to it's fullest if you limit yourself to fufilling your need to be the boss. Good luck with that.