A Twitter thread:
R: We hereby nominate this poop-flinging monkey for President
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: What a terrible candidate
R: At least the poop-flinging monkey won’t kill babies & take away my guns
D: But the Democrats don’t—
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: TRIGGERED, LIBS?
D: The GOP has nominated a candidate who literally does nothing but fling poop around all day
R: What about that time in 1995 when Bill Clinton threw his poop at a Congressional staffer
D: I am 98% certain that never happened
R: I read it on Breitbart
MONKEY: (flings poop)
CNN: Despite tanking in the popular vote, the Electoral College has installed the Poop-Flinging Monkey as your President
R: YAY!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: This is a disaster
R: The economy’s doing better already!
D: You are all deranged
R: Or maybe *you’ve* got PFMDS
INAUGURATION DAY
CNN: An abysmally low turnout arrived in Washington for the inauguration of the Poop-Flinging Monkey as President
R: Fake News! The crowd was huge!
D: That’s not what the photos reveal
R: That’s just what the media WANTS you to think!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 10
WP: So, how’s the transition going
R: Couldn’t be better! Except for the Democrat pranksters who smeared poop all over the keyboards, walls, & bedsheets
WP: Are you sure that didn’t happen AFTER the poop-flinging monkey arrived
R: Again with you biased media liberals
DAY 85
D: It was a terrible idea to leave a poop-flinging monkey in charge of the USA
R: Why?
D: Our infrastructure’s a disaster, the budget’s in shambles, & let’s not even get into the cleaning bill at the G8
R: You’re just bitter because we’re WINNING
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 212
NYT: We’re deep in the heart of Slidewhistle, Utah to speak with some voters. What do you think of President Poop-Flinging Monkey so far?
R: Well, I’m happy he’s pissing off the liberals
NYT: Really? why?
R: They looked down on me for voting for a poop-flinging monkey
DAY 561
WP: We have references for all 20,631 times President Poop-Flinging Monkey threw his poop while in office
R: How do you know other Presidents didn’t throw their poop just as much? HUH?
D: It would have made the headlines every night
R: WHAT IF THE MEDIA COVERED IT UP
DAY 874
D: The House of Representatives asserts that the President threw his poop at Chancellor Angela Merkel, which is an impeachable offense
R: FAKE NEWS! The Deep State is spreading vicious lies to bring down our President!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: Plus, Merkel deserved it
DAY 933 - THE HEARING
D1: I saw the Poop-Flinging Monkey flinging poop at Chancellor Merkel
R: That’s just hearsay
D2: I, too, saw the President flinging poop at Merkel
R: Also hearsay
MERKEL: Ich bin in kacke bedeckt
R: Yeah, but you could have smeared it all over yourself
DAY 1016
COOPER: We return live to the Poop-Flinging Monkey Rally, where the President is in his element
MONKEY: (poop-flinging frenzy)
LEMON: For obvious reasons, it’s very difficult to read the signs behind him
COOPER: The Democrats have their work cut out for them in 2020
LEMON: For Democrats to develop a strategy, they must first understand Poop-Flinging Monkey voters. Are they happy with the Poop-Flinging Monkey, or disappointed? Did he deliver as expected?
MONKEY: (flings poop)
COOPER: Are they better off now than they were four years ago?
COOPER: Even as I watch this rally full of Republicans cheering on an angry monkey flinging poop everywhere, I sense they may be growing weary of the bread & circuses
(Kanye West leads crowd in “POOPITY SCOOP!” chant)
LEMON: Perhaps they will come to terms with his limitations
DAY 1021
R: We have it on expertly-sourced authority that Hunter Biden threw poop at someone in Ukraine
D: No, that’s been debunked. He TOOK a poop in Ukraine, but that’s it
NYT: We need to hear from both sides of this controversy
FOX: THE BIDEN “POOPERGATE” SCANDAL CONTINUES
DAY 1024
MONKEY: (flings poop at crowd)
R: I’m so glad we have a President who tells it like it is
CROWD: BOOOOOO!
R: How uncivilized! Those disrespectful Democrats need to mind their manners
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: YEAH! It’s about time we had a President who fought back!
DAY 1029
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: This is ridiculous. How can you keep supporting this President?
R: He’s just TROLLING you! And you silly liberals keep falling for it!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: Uh, does he do anything else
R: SILLY, TRIGGERED LIBERALS!
DAY 1032 - THE HEARING
D: We contend that the poop found on Chancellor Merkel came from the Poop-Flinging Monkey
R: Witch hunt! That could be anybody’s poop!
D: Our forensic endocrinologist has determined that it is indeed monkey poop
R: That could be anybody’s monkey poop!
DAY 1033
BIDEN: I won’t say that supporters of the Poop-Flinging Monkey have anything wrong with their judgment
MONKEY: (flings poop at Biden)
BIDEN: If there’s one thing I’ve learned in American politics, it’s that it’s a very bad idea to call his supporters “deplorable”
DAY 1035
R: 53% of Republicans said the Poop-Flinging Monkey is a better POTUS than Lincoln
D: Oh, FFS. On what grounds?
R: His supporters cite “awesomeness” & “making liberals cry”
D: Let’s hear it for meritocracy
R: They also give him very high marks for “flinging poop”
DAY 1036
MORNING SHOW
“Politics Over the Holidays”
WOMAN: Some people DO like the President who does nothing but fling poop everywhere, & others DON’T like the President who does nothing but fling poop everywhere
MAN: The important thing is to listen, & respect both sides
WOMAN: Now, you may hate the Poop-Flinging Monkey, but Uncle Bob really likes the Poop-Flinging Monkey
MAN: Just understand you will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER change his mind
WOMAN: Just try to have a nice family dinner
MAN: I mean seriously, it’s like the Borg got to them
R: Hello? I am deeply offended by the anti-Poop-Flinging-Monkey bias of your morning show, & demand balance more sympathetic to my views
WOMAN: Of course! After the break, my co-anchor will be replaced by a meme of the Poop-Flinging Monkey saying “NEENER NEENER”
MAN: Wait, what
DAY 1037
R: I am shunned by the so-called “tolerant” left for my unwavering support of the Poop-Flinging Monkey. My friends don’t return my calls. I’m a pariah at dinner parties. I get funny looks on the subway...
D: And why do you suppose that is
R: I blame the liberal media
DAY 1040 - NATO SUMMIT
: We oppose the NATO defense plan for Baltic countries
: Our Number One priority should be the defeat of ISIS
: We must devise a plan for NATO to survive the coming years
: (flings poop)
DAY 1041 - THE HEARING
D: A monkey who does nothing but fling poop is unfit for office
R: Witch hunt! You didn’t even VOTE for the Poop-Flinging Monkey, did you?!
D: Uh.....
R: AHA! So you were ALWAYS against making a poop-flinging monkey our President!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1042
R1: I can’t believe how unhinged the Democrats are acting
R2: Can you believe they want to impeach the Poop-Flinging Monkey?
R1: Why can’t they just let our President do what we elected him to do
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R2: There must be something wrong with them
DAY 1043
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: The Poop-Flinging Monkey is unfit to lead this nation
R: That’s a Deep State conspiracy!
D: Excuse me?
R: Doesn’t it seem suspicious that the Democrats, the MSM, the FBI, & the NeverPoopers all say the exact same things about the President?
D: I find it fascinating how you can be endlessly skeptical of the veracity of the mainstream media, and yet not the least bit willing to doubt what your preferred media outlets tell you about the monkey who does nothing but fling his own poop
: “POOP MAN BAD!”
D: Oh, shut up
DAY 1044
KILMEADE: Welcome to Fox & Friends! Our guest is Kellyanne Conway
DOOCY: What do you say to those who think there’s something wrong with a poop-flinging President?
CONWAY: He only does that because liberals force us to use low-pressure toilets
DOOCY: Sounds plausible
DAY 1045 - CNN
COOPER: Our guest is conservative opinion-haver Reagan Deplorable
DEPLORABLE: The Poop-Flinging Monkey is the greatest President of all time (throws poop)
C: You know, I don’t think we’re going to have you back
D: You liberals and your “Cancel Culture”
DAY 1046 - THE HEARING
D: In your report, does it say “The President threw poop at Angela Merkel” on Pages 34, 49, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 89, 93, and 102?
MUELLER: Yes
D: So do you recommend impeachment?
MUELLER: That’s not my job
R:: LOL FAKE IMPEACHMENT HOAX FAKE FAKE FAKE
DAY 1047
BARR: Our IG report reveals that Hillary Clinton covertly threw her own poop on Chancellor Merkel and framed the monkey for it
CLINTON: That’s the craziest thing I’ve heard since the last 12,000 things the GOP has accused me of
: LOCK HER UP!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1055 - CNN
LEMON: Today, President Poop-Flinging Monkey sent a strongly-worded letter to Nancy Pelosi
O’BRIEN: It’s just a blank sheet of paper covered in brown smudges
LEMON: Yes, but it’ll end up in the Library of Congress some day
O’BRIEN: Take THAT, Gettysburg Address
DAY 1056
R: Liberals are trying to outlaw Christmas
D: Oh, FFS; not this again
R: Thanks to the globalist secular muticulturalism of the Democrat Party, we can no longer enjoy Christmas trees, Santa Claus, tinsel, reindeer, eggnog, or Jesus Christ
D: That is not entirely true
R: But good Christian soldiers no longer need to live in fear!
D: Are you feeling OK
R: A new savior now walks among us! And what is his name?
D:
R: THE POOP-FLINGING MONKEY!
(Vince Guaraldi music plays)
R: Merry Christmas! God bless us, everyone!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1058
R1: Well, it finally happened
R2: The Democrats impeached the President
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R1: Don’t they know the Senate will protect him, no matter what?
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R2: Democrats have no idea how ridiculous they look right now
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1059
A Starbucks Coffee Emporium
R: Tee hee! I gave a fake name to trigger the liberals
D: Jesus, I can’t take you anywhere
R: Oh, this is it; here it comes
BARISTA: I have an order for “THE POP-FLINGING HONKY IS STILL YOUR PRECEDENT”?
R: Goddamn it
DAY 1061
R: Leftists only hate the Poop-Flinging Monkey because they hate us!
D: Beg pardon?
R: They hate people like me, who want to indiscriminately fling poop everywhere & make absurd excuses for it
D: Oh, FFS
R: JE SUIS LE SINGE QUI JETTE DU CACA!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1075
CNN: The Poop-Flinging Monkey has bypassed Congress to declare war on Iran
D: What a reckless thing to do
R: HOW DARE YOU?
D: It just seems so poorly thought out
R: WHAT KIND OF TRAITOR CRITICIZES HIS PRESIDENT DURING WARTIME?
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: U-S-A!
R: We hereby nominate this poop-flinging monkey for President
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: What a terrible candidate
R: At least the poop-flinging monkey won’t kill babies & take away my guns
D: But the Democrats don’t—
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: TRIGGERED, LIBS?
D: The GOP has nominated a candidate who literally does nothing but fling poop around all day
R: What about that time in 1995 when Bill Clinton threw his poop at a Congressional staffer
D: I am 98% certain that never happened
R: I read it on Breitbart
MONKEY: (flings poop)
CNN: Despite tanking in the popular vote, the Electoral College has installed the Poop-Flinging Monkey as your President
R: YAY!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: This is a disaster
R: The economy’s doing better already!
D: You are all deranged
R: Or maybe *you’ve* got PFMDS
INAUGURATION DAY
CNN: An abysmally low turnout arrived in Washington for the inauguration of the Poop-Flinging Monkey as President
R: Fake News! The crowd was huge!
D: That’s not what the photos reveal
R: That’s just what the media WANTS you to think!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 10
WP: So, how’s the transition going
R: Couldn’t be better! Except for the Democrat pranksters who smeared poop all over the keyboards, walls, & bedsheets
WP: Are you sure that didn’t happen AFTER the poop-flinging monkey arrived
R: Again with you biased media liberals
DAY 85
D: It was a terrible idea to leave a poop-flinging monkey in charge of the USA
R: Why?
D: Our infrastructure’s a disaster, the budget’s in shambles, & let’s not even get into the cleaning bill at the G8
R: You’re just bitter because we’re WINNING
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 212
NYT: We’re deep in the heart of Slidewhistle, Utah to speak with some voters. What do you think of President Poop-Flinging Monkey so far?
R: Well, I’m happy he’s pissing off the liberals
NYT: Really? why?
R: They looked down on me for voting for a poop-flinging monkey
DAY 561
WP: We have references for all 20,631 times President Poop-Flinging Monkey threw his poop while in office
R: How do you know other Presidents didn’t throw their poop just as much? HUH?
D: It would have made the headlines every night
R: WHAT IF THE MEDIA COVERED IT UP
DAY 874
D: The House of Representatives asserts that the President threw his poop at Chancellor Angela Merkel, which is an impeachable offense
R: FAKE NEWS! The Deep State is spreading vicious lies to bring down our President!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: Plus, Merkel deserved it
DAY 933 - THE HEARING
D1: I saw the Poop-Flinging Monkey flinging poop at Chancellor Merkel
R: That’s just hearsay
D2: I, too, saw the President flinging poop at Merkel
R: Also hearsay
MERKEL: Ich bin in kacke bedeckt
R: Yeah, but you could have smeared it all over yourself
DAY 1016
COOPER: We return live to the Poop-Flinging Monkey Rally, where the President is in his element
MONKEY: (poop-flinging frenzy)
LEMON: For obvious reasons, it’s very difficult to read the signs behind him
COOPER: The Democrats have their work cut out for them in 2020
LEMON: For Democrats to develop a strategy, they must first understand Poop-Flinging Monkey voters. Are they happy with the Poop-Flinging Monkey, or disappointed? Did he deliver as expected?
MONKEY: (flings poop)
COOPER: Are they better off now than they were four years ago?
COOPER: Even as I watch this rally full of Republicans cheering on an angry monkey flinging poop everywhere, I sense they may be growing weary of the bread & circuses
(Kanye West leads crowd in “POOPITY SCOOP!” chant)
LEMON: Perhaps they will come to terms with his limitations
DAY 1021
R: We have it on expertly-sourced authority that Hunter Biden threw poop at someone in Ukraine
D: No, that’s been debunked. He TOOK a poop in Ukraine, but that’s it
NYT: We need to hear from both sides of this controversy
FOX: THE BIDEN “POOPERGATE” SCANDAL CONTINUES
DAY 1024
MONKEY: (flings poop at crowd)
R: I’m so glad we have a President who tells it like it is
CROWD: BOOOOOO!
R: How uncivilized! Those disrespectful Democrats need to mind their manners
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: YEAH! It’s about time we had a President who fought back!
DAY 1029
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: This is ridiculous. How can you keep supporting this President?
R: He’s just TROLLING you! And you silly liberals keep falling for it!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: Uh, does he do anything else
R: SILLY, TRIGGERED LIBERALS!
DAY 1032 - THE HEARING
D: We contend that the poop found on Chancellor Merkel came from the Poop-Flinging Monkey
R: Witch hunt! That could be anybody’s poop!
D: Our forensic endocrinologist has determined that it is indeed monkey poop
R: That could be anybody’s monkey poop!
DAY 1033
BIDEN: I won’t say that supporters of the Poop-Flinging Monkey have anything wrong with their judgment
MONKEY: (flings poop at Biden)
BIDEN: If there’s one thing I’ve learned in American politics, it’s that it’s a very bad idea to call his supporters “deplorable”
DAY 1035
R: 53% of Republicans said the Poop-Flinging Monkey is a better POTUS than Lincoln
D: Oh, FFS. On what grounds?
R: His supporters cite “awesomeness” & “making liberals cry”
D: Let’s hear it for meritocracy
R: They also give him very high marks for “flinging poop”
DAY 1036
MORNING SHOW
“Politics Over the Holidays”
WOMAN: Some people DO like the President who does nothing but fling poop everywhere, & others DON’T like the President who does nothing but fling poop everywhere
MAN: The important thing is to listen, & respect both sides
WOMAN: Now, you may hate the Poop-Flinging Monkey, but Uncle Bob really likes the Poop-Flinging Monkey
MAN: Just understand you will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER change his mind
WOMAN: Just try to have a nice family dinner
MAN: I mean seriously, it’s like the Borg got to them
R: Hello? I am deeply offended by the anti-Poop-Flinging-Monkey bias of your morning show, & demand balance more sympathetic to my views
WOMAN: Of course! After the break, my co-anchor will be replaced by a meme of the Poop-Flinging Monkey saying “NEENER NEENER”
MAN: Wait, what
DAY 1037
R: I am shunned by the so-called “tolerant” left for my unwavering support of the Poop-Flinging Monkey. My friends don’t return my calls. I’m a pariah at dinner parties. I get funny looks on the subway...
D: And why do you suppose that is
R: I blame the liberal media
DAY 1040 - NATO SUMMIT
: We oppose the NATO defense plan for Baltic countries
: Our Number One priority should be the defeat of ISIS
: We must devise a plan for NATO to survive the coming years
: (flings poop)
DAY 1041 - THE HEARING
D: A monkey who does nothing but fling poop is unfit for office
R: Witch hunt! You didn’t even VOTE for the Poop-Flinging Monkey, did you?!
D: Uh.....
R: AHA! So you were ALWAYS against making a poop-flinging monkey our President!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1042
R1: I can’t believe how unhinged the Democrats are acting
R2: Can you believe they want to impeach the Poop-Flinging Monkey?
R1: Why can’t they just let our President do what we elected him to do
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R2: There must be something wrong with them
DAY 1043
MONKEY: (flings poop)
D: The Poop-Flinging Monkey is unfit to lead this nation
R: That’s a Deep State conspiracy!
D: Excuse me?
R: Doesn’t it seem suspicious that the Democrats, the MSM, the FBI, & the NeverPoopers all say the exact same things about the President?
D: I find it fascinating how you can be endlessly skeptical of the veracity of the mainstream media, and yet not the least bit willing to doubt what your preferred media outlets tell you about the monkey who does nothing but fling his own poop
: “POOP MAN BAD!”
D: Oh, shut up
DAY 1044
KILMEADE: Welcome to Fox & Friends! Our guest is Kellyanne Conway
DOOCY: What do you say to those who think there’s something wrong with a poop-flinging President?
CONWAY: He only does that because liberals force us to use low-pressure toilets
DOOCY: Sounds plausible
DAY 1045 - CNN
COOPER: Our guest is conservative opinion-haver Reagan Deplorable
DEPLORABLE: The Poop-Flinging Monkey is the greatest President of all time (throws poop)
C: You know, I don’t think we’re going to have you back
D: You liberals and your “Cancel Culture”
DAY 1046 - THE HEARING
D: In your report, does it say “The President threw poop at Angela Merkel” on Pages 34, 49, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 89, 93, and 102?
MUELLER: Yes
D: So do you recommend impeachment?
MUELLER: That’s not my job
R:: LOL FAKE IMPEACHMENT HOAX FAKE FAKE FAKE
DAY 1047
BARR: Our IG report reveals that Hillary Clinton covertly threw her own poop on Chancellor Merkel and framed the monkey for it
CLINTON: That’s the craziest thing I’ve heard since the last 12,000 things the GOP has accused me of
: LOCK HER UP!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1055 - CNN
LEMON: Today, President Poop-Flinging Monkey sent a strongly-worded letter to Nancy Pelosi
O’BRIEN: It’s just a blank sheet of paper covered in brown smudges
LEMON: Yes, but it’ll end up in the Library of Congress some day
O’BRIEN: Take THAT, Gettysburg Address
DAY 1056
R: Liberals are trying to outlaw Christmas
D: Oh, FFS; not this again
R: Thanks to the globalist secular muticulturalism of the Democrat Party, we can no longer enjoy Christmas trees, Santa Claus, tinsel, reindeer, eggnog, or Jesus Christ
D: That is not entirely true
R: But good Christian soldiers no longer need to live in fear!
D: Are you feeling OK
R: A new savior now walks among us! And what is his name?
D:
R: THE POOP-FLINGING MONKEY!
(Vince Guaraldi music plays)
R: Merry Christmas! God bless us, everyone!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1058
R1: Well, it finally happened
R2: The Democrats impeached the President
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R1: Don’t they know the Senate will protect him, no matter what?
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R2: Democrats have no idea how ridiculous they look right now
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1059
A Starbucks Coffee Emporium
R: Tee hee! I gave a fake name to trigger the liberals
D: Jesus, I can’t take you anywhere
R: Oh, this is it; here it comes
BARISTA: I have an order for “THE POP-FLINGING HONKY IS STILL YOUR PRECEDENT”?
R: Goddamn it
DAY 1061
R: Leftists only hate the Poop-Flinging Monkey because they hate us!
D: Beg pardon?
R: They hate people like me, who want to indiscriminately fling poop everywhere & make absurd excuses for it
D: Oh, FFS
R: JE SUIS LE SINGE QUI JETTE DU CACA!
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1075
CNN: The Poop-Flinging Monkey has bypassed Congress to declare war on Iran
D: What a reckless thing to do
R: HOW DARE YOU?
D: It just seems so poorly thought out
R: WHAT KIND OF TRAITOR CRITICIZES HIS PRESIDENT DURING WARTIME?
MONKEY: (flings poop)
R: U-S-A!
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