I see the site got a new face lift. I also see they still can't figure out how to give us a dark mode..........
Ya know, I got to thinking about it and it occurred to me I really don't need to disappear. I was on another forum I've been hanging out on, yup a gun forum but they have an off topic section and a couple of us got to talking about our life's journey and I was convicted to share mine since Kat's passing. A few people who said they were going through issues typically not related said it helped them. I was blessed to be able to help even though I'm still going through quite a bit and it has helped even me. Feels like I was meant to share.
Like all of us I have my challenges but am working on overcoming them.
So if you all don't mind:
Again this is not a thread to illicit condolences as appreciated as they are. This is about what I went through following my wife's passing from cancer. I pray it helps someone.
On August 10th, 2020 my wife of 34 years succumbed to cancer, it was here at home and I watched her take her last breath. It was the worst moment of my life, I never thought I could endure so much pain and still live. Then started the regrets, self recriminations emotional and mental self flagellation. Why wasn't I a perfect husband, perfect lover, perfect her everything, why didn't I give her the stars and the moon. Every night I asked God to forgive me and every day it started all over again. Those were the worst two and a half years of my life as I spiraled even further into a sever depression. I basically locked myself in my house and stopped taking care of myself, something I never imagined would happen to me. I finally sought out help with the VA Mental Health Services and they were great. It was peak of the pandemic so everything was done via computer video conferencing. Suddenly one day out of the blue it occurred to me what my problem was. Heck God had forgiven me the first time I asked for forgiveness, the only person who hadn't forgiven me was me........... I finally forgave myself for being human, for being me and though it's cliche a huge weight was lifted off my back, the dark clouds rolled away and the sun shone on a renewed and saved life.
If it hadn't been for my faith through all those years I probably wouldn't be here posting this now.
What I went through is not uncommon for all who have lost those near and dear, matter of fact it's quite common. Thank you for taking the time to read this as hard as it was for me to write. We all eventually lose loved ones or they lose us so if this has helped even one person I have done good. God bless you all.
The Journey is not over and I will continue at a later date.
Over the last few years I started (fitfully at first) to start exercising and changing my diet. No more Party sized bags of potato(e) chips every night watching a movie..........
Cut the fat, salt and sugar, started eating less and making my own home made soups. Also started eating more salads. I still get the occasional pizza and make the occasional cheeseburger, etc. but it still took some time to adjust. Where not long ago I could have eaten half a large meat lovers pizza I can barely get two slices down. When I make my TexMex now I use no salt added and no fat added canned products yet they still taste delicious.
I exercised and in the beginning often over did it and went past my physical limitations. Often I would hurt myself setting me back anywhere from a week to a couple of months but eventually I found where to work within my limitations. Now about a year and a half later I did try to up my rep counts with all my exercise routines and sure enough I'm back in recovery mode but I have managed to loose 45 pounds within the last six months. My goal is to loose another 45 pounds then have both knees replaced.
As you all can see it took a while but despite the setbacks and failures I continued to push on and even now I force myself to get back to it and not let recovery times slow me down too much. Even if I do a quarter of what I have been doing I'm still ahead of the game. All these things have helped me along the way and given me at least some purpose.
Doing this Journey thread is also, it's kind of cathartic even though writing some of the first installment brought a flood of tears.
To continue I'd come out of a severe depression into the light so to speak and for a moment all the world seemed right (as Garth Brooks would say.....). I began to come out of my cave more, actually increased my gun collection even though that little voice in the back of my head was telling me to stop. I ignored my little voice. It was however me giving me something I'd always wanted but put off to use that money elsewhere. I wanted to treat me but I'd gone overboard..........
Things felt good, I was interacting even more at my church but soon I found myself withdrawing again ever so slowly. I couldn't figure out what was happening and over time I became angry, any little thing would set me off. The work and cleaning I was doing around the house began to slack off, things piled up. Why was I sliding into an angry depression?
Purpose of our lives. We all develop our life purposes over time and continue to pursue them throughout out lives, it's like saying we breathe in, we breathe out. My wife and I had no good friends outside of each other, we were each other's best friends and my purpose in life was her.
Fast forward a little. I recently had my bore scope (colonoscopy) and normally the wife would have taken me and brought me home. Suddenly I had to ask someone who was not my wife to perform that function for me. I almost canceled my appointment because of it......... That's when I realized I had lost my purpose in life, my reason for living and now I'm trying to find new purpose.
I'd like to believe doing this, right now, helping others is part of it but also other things. I sang semi-pro in rock bands back in the mid to late 70s and while I wasn't bad my octave range was limited to high baritone, low tenor, anything above low tenor was weak falsetto. Well here I am at 69 years old, practicing my vocals once again and have finally after 40 years figured out where and how to place my voice that I can now easily hit low/mid tenor range with ease and higher tenor with a strong head (falsetto) voice. Basically means I can now hit Steve Perry's mid range but I'm still working on hitting his high range. Yes, I have perfect pitch but also need to work on my breathing.
So things are starting to look up again as I continue to look for my new purpose in life. Back to slowly working on my house, cleaning and disposing of waaaaay too many things we had stored that we never needed. My wife trusted things more than she trusted people........... At this stage I myself have no real interest in finding another woman to share my life with, maybe this will change in time. I still love my wife dearly and probably always will. I was older than her by 9 years, we figured I would be the one to go first especially since my early lifestyle was less than healthy shall we say....... I quit drinking decades ago and quit smoking a few months ago. I have to say though that I'm glad she went first so she didn't have to go through what I went and to some degree am still going through.
Now it's time to see what comes next and this time be prepared for it (I hope). Hopefully I will continue at a much later date. Again I pray this helps someone through their broken journey.
God bless you all.
I pray this may help someone through their hard times.
