Some details on the whole hog my brother and I are tasked with roasting this weekend; the pig will be between 110 and 135 pounds. Now, that's a big pig. We're trying to convince the host, one of our oldest and dearest friends, to get four nice pork shoulders and let us smoke them instead. The work would be halved and the pork shoulders would yield far more meat than a whole hog. After we strip the meat from the carcass, a 120 pound pig might MIGHT yield 70 pounds of meat. The rest is bone, sinew, skin and fat rendered off in the cooking process.
But the dramatic presentation of a big ol' pig rotating slowly on a spit is something the host just cannot do without. So, Friday afternoon, I'll leave work early, pick up my brother and drive north to the party site.
Meanwhile Daisy the Mutt will luxuriate at the Big House under Mom's watchful eye. While a walk in the park is not in her future that weekend, she'll sleep the contented sleep of a thoroughly pampered dog.
Did I tell you what happened last weekend? I took Daisy out to the grocer. It was a balmy 75 degrees. I left the car windows open about two inches, enough for air to get in, but not wide enough for a hand to unlock the door and let her out.
I bought a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, a pound of ground chuck, some bagels and a bag of chips. It took all of 12 minutes. But, when I got back to the car, an overly concerned family was surrounding it. The mother exclaimed "She's panting! She's covered in fur and you left her in a hot car!"
I wasn't gone that long and I left the windows cracked." I explained trying to calm her down.
"I took a picture of your license plate and sent it to the police!" she said.
"Look, lady. This is the most spoiled dog in town. And that puts her high in the running for most spoiled in the county. I did not abuse this dog. In fact, here in my shopping bag is a box of her favorite cookies."
"You'll be hearing from the cops!" she went on.
Apparently, it is legal for such maniacs to actually break the car window to allow a trapped pooch to breathe. But I implore the good people of the USMB Coffee Shop, could I be an animal abuser? Could I be so vile as to torture Daisy the Mutt? Would I have been in the wrong if I suggested that this woman should go to hell? I might have, but I don't want to risk seeing her again.