How to Practice Patience with Harm Doers

[Dhara]

Hey, if you can get Chris to stay out of the FZ that would be awesome. A couple of folks are developing an allergy to her cheap perfume. TIA

It's up to Chris. The FZ thrives on folks like Chris who take people at face value and who try to be decent human beings.

 

[Dhara]

It doesn't work with them because they want to stay in their hate state. Best in that case is pull back from them and never give them a second thought.

Narcissists (ChrisL, not you) can't leave people on ignore, it diminishes the attention they require Dhara. She is reaping what she has sown.

The FZ is full of narcissists and they require Chris to keep their game going. I hope she starves them till they give up and grow up.

 

[saveliberty]

Hey, if you can get Chris to stay out of the FZ that would be awesome. A couple of folks are developing an allergy to her cheap perfume. TIA

It's up to Chris. The FZ thrives on folks like Chris who take people at face value and who try to be decent human beings.

So that's a no...okay.

 

[Dhara]

It's Chris' decision. I made mine this morning.

 

[ChrisL]

Dhara, your articles and posts have been SPOT on. Thanks so much for posting these. I am saving them and sharing them.

 

[Dhara]

When criticism, even subtle, comes your way, pause and try to sort it out in your own mind so you’re sure you understand it. (Chris I've seen you try and do this while engaging the harm doer. This is something to do on your own while NOT engaging the toxic critic.)

Sometimes criticism is specific, but often it’s vague, general, and has multiple things mixed up in it (e.g., some statements are accurate but others are exaggerated.)

Slow down the interaction so it doesn’t go off the rails. Don't let the attacker provoke you into a response.

Meanwhile, shore yourself up by thinking about people who like or love you, and by remembering some of the many ways you do good and are good.

Once you understand the criticism in its parts and aspects, make your own decision about it. A fair amount of the criticism that comes your way is flat out mistaken. The other person is wrong on the facts or doesn’t understand the larger context.

Come back to what makes sense to you, and to your memories of well being.

 

[Dhara]

Give the harm doer none of your attention. Remind yourself of your own goodness and the goodness of others.

 

[MaryL]

The patience of disregarding the harm done to us by others can be cultivated:

By seeing those who harm us as objects of compassion.
By considering how all the harm done to us is the product of our own past karma.
By realizing that it is only with the help of those who harm us that we can gain the merit of practicing patience.

The reward of the practice of patience is the state of patience itself. It is peace of mind, no matter what the circumstances are.

I notice my patience with my children has grown a lot in the last couple of years. My son remarked tonight, "You're so much calmer than you used to be."

It was a sweet moment, and I savored the joy of it.

It's hard to stay patient when we're very busy, thirsty, hungry, or in chronic pain. Those are the times when we're likely to fall back into old patterns.

What does your spiritual tradition or religion teach you about patience/

The patience of disregarding the harm done to us by others can be cultivated:

By seeing those who harm us as objects of compassion.
By considering how all the harm done to us is the product of our own past karma.
By realizing that it is only with the help of those who harm us that we can gain the merit of practicing patience.

The reward of the practice of patience is the state of patience itself. It is peace of mind, no matter what the circumstances are.

I notice my patience with my children has grown a lot in the last couple of years. My son remarked tonight, "You're so much calmer than you used to be."

It was a sweet moment, and I savored the joy of it.

It's hard to stay patient when we're very busy, thirsty, hungry, or in chronic pain. Those are the times when we're likely to fall back into old patterns.

What does your spiritual tradition or religion teach you about patience/

Thank you for sharing that. It is quite difficult to practice patience with those that would harm us. Sometimes, it might be just as well to take a different tack, like self defense for oneself and perhaps the people that would do you harm learn the same lesson after getting their asses kicked.

 

[Dhara]

The patience of disregarding the harm done to us by others can be cultivated:

By seeing those who harm us as objects of compassion.
By considering how all the harm done to us is the product of our own past karma.
By realizing that it is only with the help of those who harm us that we can gain the merit of practicing patience.

The reward of the practice of patience is the state of patience itself. It is peace of mind, no matter what the circumstances are.

I notice my patience with my children has grown a lot in the last couple of years. My son remarked tonight, "You're so much calmer than you used to be."

It was a sweet moment, and I savored the joy of it.

It's hard to stay patient when we're very busy, thirsty, hungry, or in chronic pain. Those are the times when we're likely to fall back into old patterns.

What does your spiritual tradition or religion teach you about patience/

The patience of disregarding the harm done to us by others can be cultivated:

By seeing those who harm us as objects of compassion.
By considering how all the harm done to us is the product of our own past karma.
By realizing that it is only with the help of those who harm us that we can gain the merit of practicing patience.

The reward of the practice of patience is the state of patience itself. It is peace of mind, no matter what the circumstances are.

I notice my patience with my children has grown a lot in the last couple of years. My son remarked tonight, "You're so much calmer than you used to be."

It was a sweet moment, and I savored the joy of it.

It's hard to stay patient when we're very busy, thirsty, hungry, or in chronic pain. Those are the times when we're likely to fall back into old patterns.

What does your spiritual tradition or religion teach you about patience/

Thank you for sharing that. It is quite difficult to practice patience with those that would harm us. Sometimes, it might be just as well to take a different tack, like self defense for oneself and perhaps the people that would do you harm learn the same lesson after getting their asses kicked.

Self-defense is all well and good. But iMO, you have to choose whatever increases your own inner peace.

 

[Dhara]

I'm particularly mindful of what happens on the forum when someone tries to "kick our ass" and we go back and forth with them. It's much more conducive to peace of mind to not engage them. Let them deal with their own hostility, and have a happy, satisfied life.

The best revenge is a happy life.

 

[MaryL]

The patience of disregarding the harm done to us by others can be cultivated:

By seeing those who harm us as objects of compassion.
By considering how all the harm done to us is the product of our own past karma.
By realizing that it is only with the help of those who harm us that we can gain the merit of practicing patience.

The reward of the practice of patience is the state of patience itself. It is peace of mind, no matter what the circumstances are.

I notice my patience with my children has grown a lot in the last couple of years. My son remarked tonight, "You're so much calmer than you used to be."

It was a sweet moment, and I savored the joy of it.

It's hard to stay patient when we're very busy, thirsty, hungry, or in chronic pain. Those are the times when we're likely to fall back into old patterns.

What does your spiritual tradition or religion teach you about patience/

The patience of disregarding the harm done to us by others can be cultivated:

By seeing those who harm us as objects of compassion.
By considering how all the harm done to us is the product of our own past karma.
By realizing that it is only with the help of those who harm us that we can gain the merit of practicing patience.

The reward of the practice of patience is the state of patience itself. It is peace of mind, no matter what the circumstances are.

I notice my patience with my children has grown a lot in the last couple of years. My son remarked tonight, "You're so much calmer than you used to be."

It was a sweet moment, and I savored the joy of it.

It's hard to stay patient when we're very busy, thirsty, hungry, or in chronic pain. Those are the times when we're likely to fall back into old patterns.

What does your spiritual tradition or religion teach you about patience/

Thank you for sharing that. It is quite difficult to practice patience with those that would harm us. Sometimes, it might be just as well to take a different tack, like self defense for oneself and perhaps the people that would do you harm learn the same lesson after getting their asses kicked.

Self-defense is all well and good. But iMO, you have to choose whatever increases your own inner peace.

Thanks. I am not very spiritual. Practical, perhaps. But I do believe in the concept behind Karma. Peace.

 

[Dhara]

In a strange way, harm doers can actually be the cause of our happiness because we have to develop patience in order to deal with them. We don't have to be patient around people who love and enjoy us.

 

[MaryL]

I'm particularly mindful of what happens on the forum when someone tries to "kick our ass" and we go back and forth with them. It's much more conducive to peace of mind to not engage them. Let them deal with their own hostility, and have a happy, satisfied life.

The best revenge is a happy life.

I don't practice revenge, it's petty. I do fight back, however when needs be.

 

[Dhara]

I'm particularly mindful of what happens on the forum when someone tries to "kick our ass" and we go back and forth with them. It's much more conducive to peace of mind to not engage them. Let them deal with their own hostility, and have a happy, satisfied life.

The best revenge is a happy life.

I don't practice revenge, it's petty. I do fight back, however when needs be.

I fight back too. AND I'm learning how to "let it be". Fighting is easy for me. I've done it all my life.

 

[ChrisL]

I'm particularly mindful of what happens on the forum when someone tries to "kick our ass" and we go back and forth with them. It's much more conducive to peace of mind to not engage them. Let them deal with their own hostility, and have a happy, satisfied life.

The best revenge is a happy life.

I don't practice revenge, it's petty. I do fight back, however when needs be.

I fight back too. AND I'm learning how to "let it be". Fighting is easy for me. I've done it all my life.

Me too. Life hasn't been easy for me either being a young mom among other things that have happened. I'm used to fighting.

 

[Dhara]

Fighting is always a fall back position, Chris. Nothing really wrong with it, (it can keep you alive), except it doesn't work beyond fighting off a tiger or a life and death threat In the situation of a place like this, a forum, where we have a choice where to hang out and an excellent ignore system, it's a no brainer decision.

I'm keeping my distance from trouble makers.

Peace of mind can't be beat.

 

[Freeman]

The virtue of patience


Could you tell me some of the verses and ahaadeeth that speak of the virtue of patience?.

Praise be to Allaah.
Allaah has made patience like a horse that never gets tired, an army that can never be defeated and a strong fortress that can never be breached. Patience and victory are twin brothers, for victory comes with patience, relief comes with distress and ease comes with hardship. Patience is of more help to the one who has it than men, as it helps without any need for equipment or numbers and its relationship to victory is like that of the head to the body.

In the Qur’aan, Allaah has guaranteed those who are patient that He will give them reward without measure.

He tells them that He is with them by guiding and supporting them and granting them a clear victory. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Surely, Allaah is with those who are As‑Saabiroon (the patient)”

[al-Anfaal 6:46]

Allaah has made leadership in terms of religion conditional upon patience and certain faith, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And We made from among them (Children of Israel), leaders, giving guidance under Our Command, when they were patient and used to believe with certainty in Our Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.)”

[al-Sajdah 32:34]

Allaah tells us that patience is better for those who are patient, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“But if you endure patiently, verily, it is better for As‑Saabiroon (the patient)”

[al-Nahl 16:126]

Allaah tells us if we are patient and pious, the plot of the enemy cannot do any harm, even if he is powerful, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“But if you remain patient and become Al-Muttaqoon (the pious), not the least harm will their cunning do to you. Surely, Allaah surrounds all that they do”

[Aal ‘Imraan 3:120]

Allaah tells us that the patience and piety of his Prophet Yoosuf brought him to a position of power and strength, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Verily, he who fears Allaah with obedience to Him (by abstaining from sins and evil deeds, and by performing righteous good deeds), and is patient, then surely, Allaah makes not the reward of the Muhsinoon (good‑doers) to be lost”

[Yoosuf 12:90]

Allaah has connected success to patience and piety, and the believers understand that. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“O you who believe! Endure and be more patient (than your enemy), and guard your territory by stationing army units permanently at the places from where the enemy can attack you, and fear Allaah, so that you may be successful”


With regard to the ahaadeeth which speak of the virtue of patience, they include the following:

Al-Bukhaari (1496) and Muslim (1053) narrated that Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “…whoever is patient Allaah will bestow patience upon him, and no one is ever given anything better and more generous than patience.” And Muslim (918) narrated that Umm Salamah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (S) say: “There is no Muslim who is stricken with a calamity and says what Allaah has enjoined – ‘Verily to Allaah we belong and unto Him is our return. O Allaah, reward me for my affliction and compensate me with something better’ – but Allaah will compensate him with something better.”
The virtue of patience - islamqa.info

 

[Dhara]

Rick Hanson, a neuroscientist says the brain considers bad experiences like velcro and good experiences like teflon. That means you have to work harder at imprinting the positive than the negative.

 

[Dhara]

I wish I'd left the harm doer part out of the topic. Lots of everyday experiences require patience. My teenage son and his work ethic, for instance.