How About a Joke Thread ?

[App'z]

 

[lg325]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

 

[Dr.Destructo]

We've all heard of "Dad jokes", right?


Well, here's a "Mothers joke" for you............

 

[Bootneck]

A blonde walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I need to see the upturn please."

"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a contamination."

"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the blonde replied "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference?
All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant."

 

[Dr.Destructo]

A brunette and a blond were walking through the park one fine spring day.

All of a sudden, the brunette sees a couple of dead birds on the ground and exclaims....
"Oh dear! The poor dead birdies"!!

The blond jerks her head skywards and goes........."WHERE"?

 

[Bootneck]

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

 

[Bootneck]

In a run-down part of East London recently a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six internet con-artists and full-time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang-banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free - occupied the 3rd floor and they too, died.

And one middle-aged British white couple lived on the top floor. They miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved ? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic racism still existed in all areas of public service. Questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news..

The Mayor of London when questioned, stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community !

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Labour Party Home Secretary, drove to the area and
demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the black Africans, Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple had survived.

The chief fire officer quietly replied, "They were out at work".

 

[Bootneck]

 

[lg325]

“They say some people ‘inhale books.’ I know someone who injects books right into his veins. Particularly ones with female protagonists. He’s a heroine addict.”

Izzy

 

[lg325]

Q) Where do bad rainbows go?A) To prism. It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.

 

[lg325]

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.​

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"