Definitely in need of some around here today

[DamnYankee]

Humor, that is!

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving,
she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,
you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain,
you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,
you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead,
the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...

So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke -
I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

 

[alan1]

Unfortunately, aside from your last line, the rest is sadly true.

 

[DamnYankee]

Unfortunately, aside from your last line, the rest is sadly true.

Of course it is.... That's why I needed a good punch line!

 

[alan1]

When I grow up, I want to be just like you, cept taller.

 

[DamnYankee]

When I grow up, I want to be just like you, cept taller.

My bestest friends never wanna grow up....

 

[RetiredGySgt]

Actually the coffee thing, while fun to recite is wrong. As I believe Jillian pointed out, the coffee she received was SCALDING hot and did MAJOR burn damage to her.

 

[alan1]

Actually the coffee thing, while fun to recite is wrong. As I believe Jillian pointed out, the coffee she received was SCALDING hot and did MAJOR burn damage to her.

Just remember who actually spilled the coffee though.

 

[RetiredGySgt]

Actually the coffee thing, while fun to recite is wrong. As I believe Jillian pointed out, the coffee she received was SCALDING hot and did MAJOR burn damage to her.

Just remember who actually spilled the coffee though.

Doesn't matter she would have burned her mouth and lips and possibly her throat if she had taken a drink. The Mac Donalds was wrong for serving it SCALDING hot. Can you image what major burns would be like on your face and in your mouth?

 

[DamnYankee]

Actually the coffee thing, while fun to recite is wrong. As I believe Jillian pointed out, the coffee she received was SCALDING hot and did MAJOR burn damage to her.

Just remember who actually spilled the coffee though.

Doesn't matter she would have burned her mouth and lips and possibly her throat if she had taken a drink. The Mac Donalds was wrong for serving it SCALDING hot. Can you image what major burns would be like on your face and in your mouth?

First, this was supposed to be HUMOR in forum that it otherwise lacking some the last couple of days. Second, since you brought it up, I would no go so far as to say that all suits are frivolous and unjustifiable, but you do see the point that was attempted, don't you?

 

[Bootneck]

First, this was supposed to be HUMOR in forum that it otherwise lacking some the last couple of days.

OK. OK. Have this to be going on with!

I'm often asked for the best method of getting in shape for military basic training.
For those who have spent their teenage years in front of the TV, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing outside the house, and with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand ... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next...start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

 

[alan1]

I was at the sporting goods store the other day and there was a blind guy in the store with his seeing eye dog.
Suddenly, he grabbed the dogs harness with both hands (instead of just the one hand).
He started flinging the dog around on the end of it's harness, the poor dog was completely off its feet as the man spun around for a minute or two.
When he stopped flinging the dog around I approached him to chastise him for treating his companion animal in that manner.
I asked him, "What did you do that for?"
He replied, "I was just looking around".

 

[Bootneck]

Lol! Sounds as though it was the same guy as this:


A blind man badly in need of a drink enters a bar, he sits down at the bar and orders a pint of lager.
He takes a gulp and calls out. "Anyone want to hear a good blonde joke?"
The barmaid says to him. "Your blind aren't you." "Yeah." He replied. The barmaid said."Well let me explain, I am blonde, I weigh 15 stone and I am a Judo black belt. "The bouncer on the door is a 17stone blonde lesbian Karate champion. "Sitting directly behind you are three of the toughest lesbian wrestlers you will ever find, and they are all blondes,do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"
"No." replied the blind man. "Not if I have got to explain it five fucking times!"

 

[alan1]

Speaking of blondes,

This young blonde lady was hiking in the mountains and she got lost.
As she was trying to find her way back to her car, she happened upon a river.
Remembering that she had parked her car next to a river, she decided to follow the river bank knowing that eventually it would lead her back to her car.
As she walked alongside the river, she eventually met up with another blonde lady on the opposite side of the river and coming from the opposite direction.
She hollered to her, "Have you seen a car parked next to the river"?
The lady responded back, "Yes, but it was on the other side of the river".
She replied back, "Oh, it must not have been mine, because you are on the other side".

 

[Bootneck]

3 Blondes sat in a pub 1 goes to the bar and orders 3 pina colladas goes back to the table where they all call the toast... 59 DAYS !!
2nd Blonde girl then goes back to the bar and orders the same again goes back to the table and again calls the toast....59 DAYS !!
Third blonde girl goes to the bar and orders the same again The barman asks..Whats that toast all about 59 DAYS ?
The blonde said...Me and my mates did a jigsaw and we did it in 59 days... It said 3-5 yrs on the lid.

 

[DamnYankee]

First, this was supposed to be HUMOR in forum that it otherwise lacking some the last couple of days.

OK. OK. Have this to be going on with!

I'm often asked for the best method of getting in shape for military basic training.
For those who have spent their teenage years in front of the TV, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing outside the house, and with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand ... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next...start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

It's funny every time I hear it Boots!

 

[Bootneck]

A blonde's Brain at work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

 

[Bootneck]

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a gorgeous woman would be waving to him, and, although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children".

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Bloody hell" he says. "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I had sex with on the billiards table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my backside?

"No!" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

 

[alan1]

This old blind fellow is sitting in a bar, and after a few drinks he decides to start bragging on himself. He tells the other patrons that after a life of doing carpentry he can tell what kind of tree any piece of wood came from just by smelling it.
The fellow next to him says, well smell the bar itself and tell me what kind of wood it is made from.
The old man leans over and takes a big wiff. It's redwood he says, in fact, it's redwood from the central coast of california. The bartender confirms that he is correct.
Another fellow grabs one of the chairs from the dining are and holds it up to the old blind guy.
He takes a quick smell and proclaims that it is made from pine. Again he is correct.
Then a guy steps outside to get a piece of fresh cut firewood out of his pickup truck and brings it in. The old man smells it at says, that's oak, fresh cut today.
The fellows in the bar are all impressed, but the bartender decides to try and fool him.
The bartender gets one of the waitresses to remove her clothes and spread her legs on the bar, and asks the old man to smell that.
The old man takes a sniff and pauses for a few minutes, sips his whiskey and asks for another sniff.
The bartender tells him to go ahead and take another sniff.
The blind guy leans over and takes a long smell this time.
He leans back and takes another swig from his whiskey.
The old guy admits he can't tell what kind of wood that is.
The bartender (feeling kind of smug), says, see you aren't as good as you thought you were.
The old man takes another sip of his whiskey and says, well, I didn't know you had an old shit house door off a tuna boat in your back room.

 

[Bootneck]

This blind bloke sure does get around!

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

 

[alan1]

I'm standing in line at the grocery store checkout yesterday and this huge guy walks up to me. He has to be at least 6 foot 9 and 350 lbs. All muscle. He asks me (stuttering) "D, d, d do you, know wha wha wha what time it it it it is?" Since I don't wear a watch, I simply tell him I don't know the time.
The guy in front of me is all of 5 feet 7 and probably 135 lbs soaking wet.
The huge guy asks him if he has the the time, "D, d, d, do yu, yu, yu, you know, wha, wha, wha what time it, it it it is?", he stutters.
The little man just shakes his head without saying a word.
After the large guy leaves, I notice the little man does have a watch on his wrist, so I ask him, "Why didn't you tell that guy what time it was?"
He looks at me and stutters, "Wha, wha, what, and ge, ge ge get my a, a, a, ass ki, ki, ki, kicked?"