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John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It"s been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don"t think so".
Fine, then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won"t close right " To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so". "
Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break " "I"m not a carpenter and I don"t want to fix steps". He says, "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don"t think so I"ve had enough of you. I"m going to the bar!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried." Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either give him a titty fuck or bake a cake".
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "Hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don"t think so!"
A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her.
A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her.
A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." The barman looks her up and down and says, "First off, it's bartender, not barfender. Second off, it's martini, not marhini. And third, you don't have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray."