Alanoners & Codependents

[Tresha91203]

I am struggling with not doing for my qualifiers what they can do for themselves. I failed horribly yesterday and today. Now, I am trying to reset boundaries and they both think I am a meanie-poo-poo-head because I wont "grab me some napkins," "hand me those scissors from the kitchen," "call EBRCH to see if they are open tomorrow or flooded out," "go get me something to eat because I was too cheap to pay delivery and too lazy to cook or go get it myself while you were at work .... so I waited till you got home to send you back out rather than text you before you left work for home, passing multipe drive thrus ... P.S. I spilled soda on the bed so the sheets & quilt will need to be washed and dried, and the bed made up before bedtime ... the spill was at lunchtime but I knew you wouldn't mind my leaving it for you, so put them in the washer before you head back out to Dominoes."

AAARGH!!!!!!! I am NOT an asshole for not "taking care" of grownups with zero disabilities. Laziness and bossiness are not disabilities. Why do I feel like such a jerk for saying, "Seriously? You couldn't find time to do that yourself while I was at work all day?"

 

[ABikerSailor]

What exactly is a "qualifier", and why are you feeling obligated to take care of them?

 

[Luddly Neddite]

I don't know what a qualifier is either but sure as hell know what codependent means!

OP - more info?

 

[ABikerSailor]

To tell you the truth Luddy, the OP sounds a little codependent theirself.

(I was a U.S. Navy Drug and Alcohol Program Advisor for 8 years).

 

[Tresha91203]

Qualifiers are the people of attachment. For Alanon, the qualifier is the alcoholic, husband in my case. Yes, I am a codependent, starting in childhood to my twin and later my mentally ill mother. Mom used to call me Florence Nightingale. Once the pattern was established, I would caretake anyone with a strong personality, basically obeying orders.

Husband and I have both mothers on the property with us. Mine is disabled and his is not, but is very dominant. Husband is no longer drinking but we have a history of the pattern. His mother comes from an embassy family and is used to excellent service. It is difficult for me to say no, but I had to learn how.

Since the flooding here, I have been in Florence Nightingale mode, and the whole family fell back into assigning me tasks they could easily do themselves. It is just frustrating. Why do I have to point out that you, too, are capable of getting the mail from the mailbox. It has never occurred to me to tell someone to get the mail. If I think of getting mail, I do it. I dont look around me for someone to tell to go get it. MIL is accustomed to assigning these tasks to subordinates or paid staff. Now that she has neither, and I am codependent, she tries to assign them to me. I never notice the start (can you turn off the oven for me, this lamp bulb burned out, would you grab the mail), but it snowballs within a matter of days and I find myself in serfdom. When I start saying no or im busy or whatever, they get annoyed and I get pushback. I mean, whats so horrible about asking for a napkin, right? I feel like a bitch but I know where this leads.

Anyway, I hope that clarifies. I just realized again and am in the feeling like an ass for not doing a simple task phase. If it is such a simple task, why cant she do it herself. Ive asked that question. Her answer is that its easier if I do it and she doesnt understand why it bothers me.

 

[ABikerSailor]

Ever think that when they asked you to do something, tell them that you can't right now because you're doing something else (and either come up with a fake task, or do the next one on your list).

Eventually, they may see that you are busy already and start thinking they can do small things for themselves.

The key is to not make yourself available to them all the time, otherwise they will come to expect it.

 

[Bonzi]

Living for others is only rewarding when you want to do it or you get satisfaction from it.
If you resent it, it's not healthy and you (in my opinion) should bail.... if you can.

 

[Tresha91203]

Ever think that when they asked you to do something, tell them that you can't right now because you're doing something else (and either come up with a fake task, or do the next one on your list).

Eventually, they may see that you are busy already and start thinking they can do small things for themselves.

The key is to not make yourself available to them all the time, otherwise they will come to expect it.

This is what I have learned to do, but sometimes I forget. I really dont mind grabbing napkins, but I do mind being the only one to ever grab the napkins.

 

[Tresha91203]

Living for others is only rewarding when you want to do it or you get satisfaction from it.
If you resent it, it's not healthy and you (in my opinion) should bail.... if you can.

They are trainable, but I have to be vigilant. If I slip, its like they sense it and all pounce, lol.

 

[jon_berzerk]

you need to get into a healthy relationship

 

[Tresha91203]

you need to get into a healthy relationship

If this flops, which it may, I will be in no relationships until I can get myself sorted out ... so maybe never.

 

[ABikerSailor]

you need to get into a healthy relationship

If this flops, which it may, I will be in no relationships until I can get myself sorted out ... so maybe never.

Probably for the best. You can't get into a relationship until you know 2 things.......

1. What you are looking for in another person.

2. What you have to bring to the table in the relationship.

If you want, I can tell you 3 rules for relationships that have worked for me, and they are almost iron clad for making a good one.

 

[flacaltenn]

Ever think that when they asked you to do something, tell them that you can't right now because you're doing something else (and either come up with a fake task, or do the next one on your list).

Eventually, they may see that you are busy already and start thinking they can do small things for themselves.

The key is to not make yourself available to them all the time, otherwise they will come to expect it.

This is what I have learned to do, but sometimes I forget. I really dont mind grabbing napkins, but I do mind being the only one to ever grab the napkins.

Co-dependency is more about trying to herd people who are living destructive life styles. When they aren't signed onto the task of HELPING themselves. Your self esteem rises and falls with THEIR successes and failures. Even tho you have NO DIRECT CONTROL of their actions.

Seems like here -- you DO have control of their actions. They are not dysfunctional. THey just sound comfortably dependent on you. And that might be OK --- if you feel you are not damaging them by catering to their every little whim. If they are not self-destructive or incapacitated -- exert some CONTROL of your own. Nice and patiently. Ask them to HELP you maybe? Engage them in the bigger tasks?

 

[jon_berzerk]

you need to get into a healthy relationship

If this flops, which it may, I will be in no relationships until I can get myself sorted out ... so maybe never.

it is important to work on yourself and no others