I am lost. 37 years I was with him. My partner. It was not all wine and roses, but I have not been alone for 37 years. All are gone. All my furkids, and now Dennis. I am so alone and lonely. Why did God take all that I loved and make me stay when I was the one and am the one that wanted to die. None of them wanted to...I did. But here I am, and they got to go home to Jesus. So I sit here, and feel sorry for myself, cry, act normal, stay strong, and know I am not welcome to come be with them. Not yet, anyway. But what is my purpose? Why am I, an old woman now, still on this earth? Why can't I be called too?
I miss him. It took his death for me to realize just how much I did love him, but never showed. I carried much anger and it continued on up to a week before his death. I went to see him after taking a test to show I was negative for that DAMN FLU they call covid. And I told him I was sorry for not being the wife I should have been. He reached for my hand..and his was so soft and warm, and he looked at me with those blue eyes and a mask of oxygen on his face and he said "no guilt. You were all I wanted you to be" but I have guilt. And I miss him. And I want him alive. But he isn't.
So I struggle to stay strong, and break down every other hour or so. I keep busy so I don't have to think. So I don't hear the silence of him not watching tv or looking for a snack in the kitchen, or his tv too loud. Its silence. And loneliness. And my heart is breaking and I am alone.
Going to bed yet again only to wake up dreaming he is puttering around trying to be quiet so he doesn[t wake me up. Headache. I pick up his ashes friday. Then I drive 6 hours south back to the beach where we were happiest, and I toss him in the ocean as he requested along with the dogs I have been hauling around and even saved from more ashes from the fire. And then I drive back to this horrid place. Alone. And continue on. Alone. I don't dare get another pet. it will just die too. Everything I love dies. Maybe I should love myself, then I can go too.