Barb was here 4 days. She left yesterday. All that time she was here...not one sob from me. Then anne came and got my bed today. Been going at it 12 hours now...moving things around, staying busy, killing my back...and crying. Hit me around 7pm. Had two kahluas over milk and ice...strong, too......and it didn't make me free any better. Fell asleeo, woke up half an hour later, cried some more, had to change the pillow cases cuz they were all wet, did more piddling around, cried some more. I am so damn tired. But I don't want to go to bed. The apt looks very nice. A real apt. And my own bedroom. But something is missing. Something I miss dreadfully. Dennis. He is supposed to be here with me. This is just flat out dreadful. I keep a straight face during the day. I go about my business, laugh, joke with the scant few friends I have, and fall apart at night.
I talk to him all the time. In the car. Cleaning house. Cooking what little meals I fix for myself (down to 189 lbs now..been YEARS since I hit that mark), driving the van, walking the aisles in the stores. Everyone thinks I am crazy...ol lady talking her self. No. I am talking to my missing husband. If I talk to him..he isn't gone.
How long will this go on? I have no clue. I never really lost anyone before...except my beloved dogs. But this is a deeper hurt. A deeper loss. I am alone. I like being alone, but I don't like being alone. I know that doesn't make sense.
I think I will have yet another kahluah over milk and ice. Maybe I can pass out. Last time I got drunk was around 1986ish. I was so sick...and Dennis was trying to make me throw up so he was mentioning all kinds of horrid foods but nothing worked, until he said SUGAR. Sweet, gooey sugary snacks. That did it. I heaved all over the bathroom as he cracked up, and there I am with snot driveling down my face, puking, and laughing with him.
Oh God, I want him back.
if you could and come here and tell us how you are doing ?
