"He only hung around with guys, had sex with a woman once (once means he didn't like it), he wore a dress, looks buff in all the portraits of him, and rode a donkey, which was reserved for women and slaves. And he wasn't a slave, lol." You got nothing to counter this. Game. Set. Match. Jesus was a poofter.
1) Jesus had quite a following of women, all mentioned in the New Testament.
2) He wore the garb every man wore in that day.
3) He walked miles upon miles, often slept on the ground; of course he was fit.
4) In the Middle Easter world, Leaders rode war horses when they led an attack; donkeys when they came in peace. There were several mentions in the Old Testament of leaders doing this. See 1 Kings 1:33; Judges 5:10; 10:4; 12:14; and 2 Samuel 16:2.