Keeping the Peace

[Wake]

You’ve probably read about the importance of not surrounding yourself with toxic people. In life you've probably met them. Chances are you may have also been foolish enough to try and get them to stop fighting.

So, wait a minute, what is a toxic person?

It’s not that the whole person is toxic. Rather, their behavior is toxic or your relationship with the person is toxic, said Jodie Gale, MA, a psychotherapist and life coach in Sydney, Australia.

“Often the person is deeply wounded and for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their wounding, their feelings, their needs and their subsequent problems in life.”

They may overidentify and act out the parts of who they are, such as the victim, bully, perfectionist or martyr, she said. “They act from these parts trying to get their needs met, albeit in an extremely unhealthy way.”

According to Gale, it’s common for people with toxic behavior to: create drama in their lives or be surrounded by it; try to manipulate or control others; be needy (“it is all about them all the time” use others to meet their needs (such as “narcissistic parents” be extremely critical of themselves and others; be jealous and envious of others, bemoaning their bad fortune and others’ good fortune; abuse substances or harm themselves in other ways, and be unwilling (or unable) to seek help from loved ones, a therapist or a recovery program.

What's a Toxic Person and How do You deal with One?

I'm young, and certainly not the sharpest tool in the shed. I've experienced some people in my life who were toxic, and, because of my inexperience and naiveté, I tried to keep the peace.

It was a failure. A complete and utter failure. Every attempt was met with toxic swipes. All while the poison seeped in and affected me adversely.

Enough was enough, so I stopped trying to make their wounds heal, or persuade them to take a hike on the peaceful path. It was just pointless, because they were so consumed by their own toxicity.

Was it the right thing to try and get people you liked to stop hurting one another?
A lot of people certainly agree that keeping the peace is the best thing to do, but at what cost?
What would you do if people you liked kept hurting one another, and when you tried to break it apart you got hurt by them, too?

Signs You’re Surrounded by a Toxic Person

You’re emotionally affected by their drama
You dread (or fear) being around them
You’re exhausted or you feel angry while you’re with them or after your interaction
You feel bad or ashamed about yourself
You’re stuck in a cycle of trying to rescue, fix or care for them.

Those are some of the things I felt while that door to them was open.

“If the person’s toxic behavior doesn’t change, or the relationship is just too toxic for you, send them forward in life with love and compassion, and then move forward with your life,” Gale said.

And, reading this, I can understand a little better what I should have done earlier. Instead of keeping the door open and being sprayed with venom, close the door off to people in your lives who are toxic... if nothing else works. Just close the door, and don't allow yourself to be poisoned by the negative feelings and emotions, nor let those thoughts bother you.

Let not your heart be troubled. Life is so unbelievably short, so you should spend it with people who are truly happy, upright, and caring. Whatever you do, don't personally attack them, either, because once they react badly it will be just like tackling a pile of anthrax. Don't tackle a pile anthrax. Stay away from it at all costs, or it'll poison your whole being.

It is good to keep the peace, I think, but it's better to avoid toxicity in general. Thinking back, my father was a toxic man himself, and it took me years of being away from him for his influence to sweat out of the pores of my very soul.

Do you agree that it's best to just stay away from toxic people? What would you do?

 

[Moonglow]

 

[Gracie]

Oy

 

[Wake]

Similar to Moonglow's post, toxicity is more about negativity. If you hang around it, it'll affect you, too. One of my clients I care for is a mix of depression and toxicity. He and I both know what's coming down the pike. However, I'm not to leave him, so instead I try to find ways to brighten his mood, or distract him by making him curious about stuff. Like the mantis shrimp. I showed him that video and he was laughing.

It's about that negative energy. And the positive energy. What and who you're around affects you. These last few days I realized I felt down in the dumps, and I was sluggish, disinterested in things, and snacking a little too much on sweets. It's because I had been letting negative things get to me, and I realize now after all this time that I do have a choice. I can decide who does and doesn't affect my life. So I went over to my elder cousin's house today, and I talked with her and played with her children a bit, and had dinner with her and her husband. Just being around them and just doing something fun and wholesome lifted my spirit, and brought the grapefruit out of its hazy funk.

There are so many things in life to discover and become passionate about. I even called up my other cousin and his girlfriend, and now we're planning to go mushroom hunting in the Fall. When you fill your head with good things, it seems to push out the bad things in it. OR maybe it's because I have a small brain...

 

[Michelle420]

 

[oldfart]

Don Rickles had the best part in that movie. Check out the cast: Rickles, Sutherland, Carroll O'Conner, Eastwood, Jurgens, and a dozen priceless cameos from character actors.

 

[Granny]

This is a great topic. I want to make a good response to this from personal experience but I need to get my thoughts together ... and I'm on a deadline to get myself and my stuff together to go to work. I'll tackle my response later.

 

[Wolfsister77]

 

[Book of Jeremiah]

You’ve probably read about the importance of not surrounding yourself with toxic people. In life you've probably met them. Chances are you may have also been foolish enough to try and get them to stop fighting.

So, wait a minute, what is a toxic person?

It’s not that the whole person is toxic. Rather, their behavior is toxic or your relationship with the person is toxic, said Jodie Gale, MA, a psychotherapist and life coach in Sydney, Australia.

“Often the person is deeply wounded and for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their wounding, their feelings, their needs and their subsequent problems in life.”

They may overidentify and act out the parts of who they are, such as the victim, bully, perfectionist or martyr, she said. “They act from these parts trying to get their needs met, albeit in an extremely unhealthy way.”

According to Gale, it’s common for people with toxic behavior to: create drama in their lives or be surrounded by it; try to manipulate or control others; be needy (“it is all about them all the time”); use others to meet their needs (such as “narcissistic parents”); be extremely critical of themselves and others; be jealous and envious of others, bemoaning their bad fortune and others’ good fortune; abuse substances or harm themselves in other ways, and be unwilling (or unable) to seek help from loved ones, a therapist or a recovery program.

What's a Toxic Person and How do You deal with One?

I'm young, and certainly not the sharpest tool in the shed. I've experienced some people in my life who were toxic, and, because of my inexperience and naiveté, I tried to keep the peace.

It was a failure. A complete and utter failure. Every attempt was met with toxic swipes. All while the poison seeped in and affected me adversely.

Enough was enough, so I stopped trying to make their wounds heal, or persuade them to take a hike on the peaceful path. It was just pointless, because they were so consumed by their own toxicity.

Was it the right thing to try and get people you liked to stop hurting one another?
A lot of people certainly agree that keeping the peace is the best thing to do, but at what cost?
What would you do if people you liked kept hurting one another, and when you tried to break it apart you got hurt by them, too?

Signs You’re Surrounded by a Toxic Person

You’re emotionally affected by their drama
You dread (or fear) being around them
You’re exhausted or you feel angry while you’re with them or after your interaction
You feel bad or ashamed about yourself
You’re stuck in a cycle of trying to rescue, fix or care for them.

Those are some of the things I felt while that door to them was open.

“If the person’s toxic behavior doesn’t change, or the relationship is just too toxic for you, send them forward in life with love and compassion, and then move forward with your life,” Gale said.

And, reading this, I can understand a little better what I should have done earlier. Instead of keeping the door open and being sprayed with venom, close the door off to people in your lives who are toxic... if nothing else works. Just close the door, and don't allow yourself to be poisoned by the negative feelings and emotions, nor let those thoughts bother you.

Let not your heart be troubled. Life is so unbelievably short, so you should spend it with people who are truly happy, upright, and caring. Whatever you do, don't personally attack them, either, because once they react badly it will be just like tackling a pile of anthrax. Don't tackle a pile anthrax. Stay away from it at all costs, or it'll poison your whole being.

It is good to keep the peace, I think, but it's better to avoid toxicity in general. Thinking back, my father was a toxic man himself, and it took me years of being away from him for his influence to sweat out of the pores of my very soul.

Do you agree that it's best to just stay away from toxic people? What would you do?

It is difficult to know what to do. I try to be kind because they need it more than other folks sometimes but truly there are times I know I just need to take a break from responding to them at all.

Sometimes silence is the best answer for toxic people. Given enough time they may think about why others are feeling drained from being around them.

Sometimes given enough praise and encouragement they become the people they were destined to become too. It depends on the person I reckon.


Great thread, Wake.

 

[Book of Jeremiah]

Similar to Moonglow's post, toxicity is more about negativity. If you hang around it, it'll affect you, too. One of my clients I care for is a mix of depression and toxicity. He and I both know what's coming down the pike. However, I'm not to leave him, so instead I try to find ways to brighten his mood, or distract him by making him curious about stuff. Like the mantis shrimp. I showed him that video and he was laughing.

It's about that negative energy. And the positive energy. What and who you're around affects you. These last few days I realized I felt down in the dumps, and I was sluggish, disinterested in things, and snacking a little too much on sweets. It's because I had been letting negative things get to me, and I realize now after all this time that I do have a choice. I can decide who does and doesn't affect my life. So I went over to my elder cousin's house today, and I talked with her and played with her children a bit, and had dinner with her and her husband. Just being around them and just doing something fun and wholesome lifted my spirit, and brought the grapefruit out of its hazy funk.

There are so many things in life to discover and become passionate about. I even called up my other cousin and his girlfriend, and now we're planning to go mushroom hunting in the Fall. When you fill your head with good things, it seems to push out the bad things in it. OR maybe it's because I have a small brain...

I didn't write anything yesterday as the day before I had realized I was being sucked dry by a situation that was completely in the negative. For several days. Rather than ignore it I allowed it to drain my energy and like you I had an epiphany. Life is too short. I may have the wherewithall to discuss many things but not everything is to my benefit. It is best in these days to focus on as much positivity as possible. I felt sick for a few days over having immersed myself in such an atmosphere and made a pledge to myself to never permit that to happen again. It's best to walk away. - Jeri

 

[Wolfsister77]

 

[westwall]

I have only ever been forced to be around one toxic person. He was the friend of a friend and we used to go to gun shows together. Toxic person was always a dreary asshole. One day I asked my friend why he put up with him, and his response was that he felt obligated because they had been friends since grade school.

My response was on the order of, "but, he makes you miserable, he doesn't pay for his own food, you basically have to take care of him....what do YOU get out of the relationship?"

He couldn't answer that. So a few weeks pass and they meet me at the next gun show and once again I ask my friend what does he get from the relationship. And this time I asked him in front of the toxic one. And this time I addressed the toxic one directly and made it clear to my friend that the toxic person was a leech. A succubus who's sole reason for being was to make all of those around him miserable. That if my friend never saw him again the leech would take no notice and would merely find some other poor person to afflict.

A few weeks later just my friend showed up...no leech in tow.... He hasn't visited the toxic one in over 30 years now and he thanks me at least once a year for opening his eyes.

 

[BDBoop]

 

[BDBoop]

I have only ever been forced to be around one toxic person. He was the friend of a friend and we used to go to gun shows together. Toxic person was always a dreary asshole. One day I asked my friend why he put up with him, and his response was that he felt obligated because they had been friends since grade school.

My response was on the order of, "but, he makes you miserable, he doesn't pay for his own food, you basically have to take care of him....what do YOU get out of the relationship?"

He couldn't answer that. So a few weeks pass and they meet me at the next gun show and once again I ask my friend what does he get from the relationship. And this time I asked him in front of the toxic one. And this time I addressed the toxic one directly and made it clear to my friend that the toxic person was a leech. A succubus who's sole reason for being was to make all of those around him miserable. That if my friend never saw him again the leech would take no notice and would merely find some other poor person to afflict.

A few weeks later just my friend showed up...no leech in tow.... He hasn't visited the toxic one in over 30 years now and he thanks me at least once a year for opening his eyes.

I've taken some grief for quoting Harry Potter, but J.K. Rowling totally hit the nail on the head with this one.

"Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself...soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."

—Remus Lupin

The problem comes when the 'peacemaker' cannot tell the difference between the toxic one and anybody interacting with the toxic one, and tries to treat them as interchangeable.

 

[Wake]

Don Rickles had the best part in that movie. Check out the cast: Rickles, Sutherland, Carroll O'Conner, Eastwood, Jurgens, and a dozen priceless cameos from character actors.

This is a great topic. I want to make a good response to this from personal experience but I need to get my thoughts together ... and I'm on a deadline to get myself and my stuff together to go to work. I'll tackle my response later.

You’ve probably read about the importance of not surrounding yourself with toxic people. In life you've probably met them. Chances are you may have also been foolish enough to try and get them to stop fighting.

So, wait a minute, what is a toxic person?

It’s not that the whole person is toxic. Rather, their behavior is toxic or your relationship with the person is toxic, said Jodie Gale, MA, a psychotherapist and life coach in Sydney, Australia.

“Often the person is deeply wounded and for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their wounding, their feelings, their needs and their subsequent problems in life.”

They may overidentify and act out the parts of who they are, such as the victim, bully, perfectionist or martyr, she said. “They act from these parts trying to get their needs met, albeit in an extremely unhealthy way.”

According to Gale, it’s common for people with toxic behavior to: create drama in their lives or be surrounded by it; try to manipulate or control others; be needy (“it is all about them all the time”); use others to meet their needs (such as “narcissistic parents”); be extremely critical of themselves and others; be jealous and envious of others, bemoaning their bad fortune and others’ good fortune; abuse substances or harm themselves in other ways, and be unwilling (or unable) to seek help from loved ones, a therapist or a recovery program.

What's a Toxic Person and How do You deal with One?

I'm young, and certainly not the sharpest tool in the shed. I've experienced some people in my life who were toxic, and, because of my inexperience and naiveté, I tried to keep the peace.

It was a failure. A complete and utter failure. Every attempt was met with toxic swipes. All while the poison seeped in and affected me adversely.

Enough was enough, so I stopped trying to make their wounds heal, or persuade them to take a hike on the peaceful path. It was just pointless, because they were so consumed by their own toxicity.

Was it the right thing to try and get people you liked to stop hurting one another?
A lot of people certainly agree that keeping the peace is the best thing to do, but at what cost?
What would you do if people you liked kept hurting one another, and when you tried to break it apart you got hurt by them, too?



Those are some of the things I felt while that door to them was open.

“If the person’s toxic behavior doesn’t change, or the relationship is just too toxic for you, send them forward in life with love and compassion, and then move forward with your life,” Gale said.

And, reading this, I can understand a little better what I should have done earlier. Instead of keeping the door open and being sprayed with venom, close the door off to people in your lives who are toxic... if nothing else works. Just close the door, and don't allow yourself to be poisoned by the negative feelings and emotions, nor let those thoughts bother you.

Let not your heart be troubled. Life is so unbelievably short, so you should spend it with people who are truly happy, upright, and caring. Whatever you do, don't personally attack them, either, because once they react badly it will be just like tackling a pile of anthrax. Don't tackle a pile anthrax. Stay away from it at all costs, or it'll poison your whole being.

It is good to keep the peace, I think, but it's better to avoid toxicity in general. Thinking back, my father was a toxic man himself, and it took me years of being away from him for his influence to sweat out of the pores of my very soul.

Do you agree that it's best to just stay away from toxic people? What would you do?

It is difficult to know what to do. I try to be kind because they need it more than other folks sometimes but truly there are times I know I just need to take a break from responding to them at all.

Sometimes silence is the best answer for toxic people. Given enough time they may think about why others are feeling drained from being around them.

Sometimes given enough praise and encouragement they become the people they were destined to become too. It depends on the person I reckon.


Great thread, Wake.

Similar to Moonglow's post, toxicity is more about negativity. If you hang around it, it'll affect you, too. One of my clients I care for is a mix of depression and toxicity. He and I both know what's coming down the pike. However, I'm not to leave him, so instead I try to find ways to brighten his mood, or distract him by making him curious about stuff. Like the mantis shrimp. I showed him that video and he was laughing.

It's about that negative energy. And the positive energy. What and who you're around affects you. These last few days I realized I felt down in the dumps, and I was sluggish, disinterested in things, and snacking a little too much on sweets. It's because I had been letting negative things get to me, and I realize now after all this time that I do have a choice. I can decide who does and doesn't affect my life. So I went over to my elder cousin's house today, and I talked with her and played with her children a bit, and had dinner with her and her husband. Just being around them and just doing something fun and wholesome lifted my spirit, and brought the grapefruit out of its hazy funk.

There are so many things in life to discover and become passionate about. I even called up my other cousin and his girlfriend, and now we're planning to go mushroom hunting in the Fall. When you fill your head with good things, it seems to push out the bad things in it. OR maybe it's because I have a small brain...

I didn't write anything yesterday as the day before I had realized I was being sucked dry by a situation that was completely in the negative. For several days. Rather than ignore it I allowed it to drain my energy and like you I had an epiphany. Life is too short. I may have the wherewithall to discuss many things but not everything is to my benefit. It is best in these days to focus on as much positivity as possible. I felt sick for a few days over having immersed myself in such an atmosphere and made a pledge to myself to never permit that to happen again. It's best to walk away. - Jeri

I have only ever been forced to be around one toxic person. He was the friend of a friend and we used to go to gun shows together. Toxic person was always a dreary asshole. One day I asked my friend why he put up with him, and his response was that he felt obligated because they had been friends since grade school.

My response was on the order of, "but, he makes you miserable, he doesn't pay for his own food, you basically have to take care of him....what do YOU get out of the relationship?"

He couldn't answer that. So a few weeks pass and they meet me at the next gun show and once again I ask my friend what does he get from the relationship. And this time I asked him in front of the toxic one. And this time I addressed the toxic one directly and made it clear to my friend that the toxic person was a leech. A succubus who's sole reason for being was to make all of those around him miserable. That if my friend never saw him again the leech would take no notice and would merely find some other poor person to afflict.

A few weeks later just my friend showed up...no leech in tow.... He hasn't visited the toxic one in over 30 years now and he thanks me at least once a year for opening his eyes.

All of you are right about staying away from toxic people, and going where happiness and good-natured things are. It's good for one's health, and it keeps you from being dragged down by torrents of hateful negativity. Like a black hole it draws you near, and tries to make you angry and hateful and venomous in return.

What do you do when you close that door and walk away, but the toxic people don't like that, and so break through and try to grip you even more with their toxicity? As though they don't want you to be away, that they're intent on seeing your spirits as low and toxic as theirs are? When all they want to do is just make you mad over any little thing, and bring you down to their level?

 

[Moonglow]

Those that have broken down the door have found that I can be their worst nightmare..

 

[BDBoop]

If the grip is actually broken, then who cares.

 

[Derideo_Te]

Staying away for toxic people is a good idea and recommended for most people because knowing how to deal with them is not something the average person can handle.

Identifying a toxic person is not as easy as it seems. Jeri found herself in a toxic situation and had to extricate herself. If anyone has never been in that situation when they are the exception rather than the rule. Wake is correct that it can take years to rid oneself of the toxins from toxic people because they inject their poison deep inside you.

The worst about toxic people is that they drag you down with them and essentially trap you with their depression and negativity. Once you are depressed it is much harder to find the willpower to escape.

There are some good books that explain how interactions work and how to deal with toxic people. Most of them play mental games where their reward is to make you feel bad. These are usually done through guilt of some sort. Guilt because you as a good person are not there to help them out in their hour (make that lifetime) of need or because you have things better than they do and therefore you are the fortunate one and are obligated because of your fortune to assist them. There are variations but that is the primary game and motivation behind it.

Please note that toxic people might say that they care for/about you but that is a lie. They are utterly self centered and only care about themselves. They will tell you things to manipulate you into doing what they want. None of it is to your benefit and it always ends up costing you in emotional, time or fiscal terms.

Knowing how to break the cycle is crucial for you own well being and recognizing that it exists is the first step. Westwall intervened and broke the cycle for his friend. If you see someone in that situation speak up. If you are in that situation reach out to a genuine friend. Toxic people are never your friend in real terms no matter how long you have known them.

Good topic, Wake

 

[Wake]

Staying away for toxic people is a good idea and recommended for most people because knowing how to deal with them is not something the average person can handle.

Identifying a toxic person is not as easy as it seems. Jeri found herself in a toxic situation and had to extricate herself. If anyone has never been in that situation when they are the exception rather than the rule. Wake is correct that it can take years to rid oneself of the toxins from toxic people because they inject their poison deep inside you.

The worst about toxic people is that they drag you down with them and essentially trap you with their depression and negativity. Once you are depressed it is much harder to find the willpower to escape.

There are some good books that explain how interactions work and how to deal with toxic people. Most of them play mental games where their reward is to make you feel bad. These are usually done through guilt of some sort. Guilt because you as a good person are not there to help them out in their hour (make that lifetime) of need or because you have things better than they do and therefore you are the fortunate one and are obligated because of your fortune to assist them. There are variations but that is the primary game and motivation behind it.

Please note that toxic people might say that they care for/about you but that is a lie. They are utterly self centered and only care about themselves. They will tell you things to manipulate you into doing what they want. None of it is to your benefit and it always ends up costing you in emotional, time or fiscal terms.

Knowing how to break the cycle is crucial for you own well being and recognizing that it exists is the first step. Westwall intervened and broke the cycle for his friend. If you see someone in that situation speak up. If you are in that situation reach out to a genuine friend. Toxic people are never your friend in real terms no matter how long you have known them.

Good topic, Wake

I agree with you 100%, Derideo.

Thank you for your insight.

 

[BDBoop]

Staying away for toxic people is a good idea and recommended for most people because knowing how to deal with them is not something the average person can handle.

Identifying a toxic person is not as easy as it seems. Jeri found herself in a toxic situation and had to extricate herself. If anyone has never been in that situation when they are the exception rather than the rule. Wake is correct that it can take years to rid oneself of the toxins from toxic people because they inject their poison deep inside you.

The worst about toxic people is that they drag you down with them and essentially trap you with their depression and negativity. Once you are depressed it is much harder to find the willpower to escape.

There are some good books that explain how interactions work and how to deal with toxic people. Most of them play mental games where their reward is to make you feel bad. These are usually done through guilt of some sort. Guilt because you as a good person are not there to help them out in their hour (make that lifetime) of need or because you have things better than they do and therefore you are the fortunate one and are obligated because of your fortune to assist them. There are variations but that is the primary game and motivation behind it.

Please note that toxic people might say that they care for/about you but that is a lie. They are utterly self centered and only care about themselves. They will tell you things to manipulate you into doing what they want. None of it is to your benefit and it always ends up costing you in emotional, time or fiscal terms.

Knowing how to break the cycle is crucial for you own well being and recognizing that it exists is the first step. Westwall intervened and broke the cycle for his friend. If you see someone in that situation speak up. If you are in that situation reach out to a genuine friend. Toxic people are never your friend in real terms no matter how long you have known them.

Good topic, Wake

I agree 100%.