Keeping the Peace

[BDBoop]

Excellent article.

How to Save Yourself from Toxic People: 10 Steps (with Pictures)

Recognize the toxic personality types. We all have our down days, and each of us is prone to the blues now and then. However, when it comes to toxic people, the blues appear to be a permanent state of being and feeling down, glum, angry, etc., becomes a primary personality trait rather than a temporary state of mind. The following toxic personality types are ones to be on the watch for:

Angry at life: A person who is always angry, blowing up, shouting, and reacting to everyone in a volatile manner is a toxic person. They need a lot of help but you don't need to be their battering board. Staying around a person like this will cause you to become angry too, to see slights where there are none, to react instead of reflecting, and to fear things.

Everything in the world is rotten: A person with this worldview is always down and always finds the dark side in everything. And they love miserable company; the more dark thinkers agreeing with their conspiracies and frightening theories, the better. Oddly enough, this person will often be competitive about their misery, trying to outdo any other person's misery. Prone to seeing other people's mistakes as enormous transgressions (and therefore cannot forgive) and to fearing that people are going to let them down/let them go at any moment, they live in constant state of fate-determining negativity and lack hope. Since they don't feel capable of changing their trajectory, they'll try to drag you in with them.

Attention seekers: Insecure, unable to create their own sense of self-worth, and emotionally immature, this person is a "clinger". They want your attention, they want it when they want it (now!) and they need to be at the center of everything. This person's constant need to be heard and rescued will wear you down eventually and their inability to settle down and take a good, long hard look at themselves means that they try to suck the energy and life from elsewhere, namely from you.


Gossips: "When all else in your own life fails, spill the beans on other people's misfortunes" is the motto of this difficult character. Instead of keeping confidences and being supportive, this person allows envious feelings to get the better of them instead of rechannelling their envious feelings. Unfortunately, gossip feels exciting to those receiving it initially, but it's like a sugar high- it soon crashes and the nasty after-effects harm everyone. If you have found yourself caught up with a gossip and you've enabled them or benefited from them, don't get hung up on worrying about your complicity; forgive yourself, make a choice to only speak well of others from this point on, and remove yourself from their sphere.

Fearful frighteners: Worry, anxiety, "what ifs", and fear push this personality. Everything in life, from relationships to crossing the road, holds some potential for fear and terror, and this person's anxiety is unfortunately very contagious.

 

[Wake]

I've learned to stay away from toxic people, and not let their poisons affect me. Anyone who keeps alive malicious contention, whether it be through not letting go of selfish drama, or trying to bring people down and into depression with ill vibes, is toxic. The kind of people who taunt, ridicule, creates drama out of things that don't merit it, and stirs the pot without care or concern for others are toxic as well.

People like that aren't content to let things go, let people be, or remove themselves from the equation. They lash out at people who simply wanted you to back off and stop, find or create reasons to besmirch your image, tell you to go screw yourself because you refuse to take sides, and use non-tangential issues as tools to hurt other people. Vile, wicked, cruel, vicious, and mean. Pretending to be a good person while stabbing people who refuse to take sides or join in the pettiest of dramas.

All because someone wanted to break up a toxic fight. But I know better, and it's best to stay away from people who have made it extremely clear that they don't want peace. I had worn myself out caring too much to be the peacekeeper, and it was no longer worth it when all you got was venom and gashes. Sometimes toxic people deserve one another, because they love the contention, the hatred, and the struggle. It's so fun to do and say cruel and wicked things all while pretending to be caring for people. You're neither a good nor caring person if you pretend to be kind yet treat people wickedly behind the scenes.

When trying to help toxic people fails, you have no other recourse than to ignore them and let your heart be troubled no more. It's better to focus on the good things in life, instead of being dragged down into some dark, miserable place inside your soul. I don't care for it, so I'm shutting it out and walking away towards the people and things in life that make me happy and content. Might as well, while young and able.

 

[BDBoop]

May you find the peace you seek.

 

[Mertex]

I've learned to stay away from toxic people, and not let their poisons affect me. Anyone who keeps alive malicious contention, whether it be through not letting go of selfish drama, or trying to bring people down and into depression with ill vibes, is toxic. The kind of people who taunt, ridicule, creates drama out of things that don't merit it, and stirs the pot without care or concern for others are toxic as well.

People like that aren't content to let things go, let people be, or remove themselves from the equation. They lash out at people who simply wanted you to back off and stop, find or create reasons to besmirch your image, tell you to go screw yourself because you refuse to take sides, and use non-tangential issues as tools to hurt other people. Vile, wicked, cruel, vicious, and mean. Pretending to be a good person while stabbing people who refuse to take sides or join in the pettiest of dramas.

All because someone wanted to break up a toxic fight. But I know better, and it's best to stay away from people who have made it extremely clear that they don't want peace. I had worn myself out caring too much to be the peacekeeper, and it was no longer worth it when all you got was venom and gashes. Sometimes toxic people deserve one another, because they love the contention, the hatred, and the struggle. It's so fun to do and say cruel and wicked things all while pretending to be caring for people. You're neither a good nor caring people if you pretend to be kind yet treat people wickedly behind the scenes.

When trying to help toxic people fail, you have no other recourse than to ignore them and let your heart be troubled no more. It's better to focus on the good things in life, instead of being dragged down into some dark, miserable place inside your soul. I don't care for it, so I'm shutting it out and walking away towards the people and things in life that make me happy and content. Might as well, while young and able.

It's not easy to identify toxic people sometimes....only after seeing their behavior over a period of time are you able to make that distinction, then it's best to break free of them.
It is true that they pretend to care about you, but in the end they really don't and can discard you in a moment's notice. Trying to help them is a waste of effort because they don't want help, they don't see their own toxicity and instead turn it on you and see you as the toxic person. Life is too short to waste on toxic people...instead concentrate on those who truly care about you, are sensitive to your feelings and go out of their way not to hurt you.

 

[BDBoop]

On another note.

 

[Wolfsister77]

I've learned to stay away from toxic people, and not let their poisons affect me. Anyone who keeps alive malicious contention, whether it be through not letting go of selfish drama, or trying to bring people down and into depression with ill vibes, is toxic. The kind of people who taunt, ridicule, creates drama out of things that don't merit it, and stirs the pot without care or concern for others are toxic as well.

People like that aren't content to let things go, let people be, or remove themselves from the equation. They lash out at people who simply wanted you to back off and stop, find or create reasons to besmirch your image, tell you to go screw yourself because you refuse to take sides, and use non-tangential issues as tools to hurt other people. Vile, wicked, cruel, vicious, and mean. Pretending to be a good person while stabbing people who refuse to take sides or join in the pettiest of dramas.

All because someone wanted to break up a toxic fight. But I know better, and it's best to stay away from people who have made it extremely clear that they don't want peace. I had worn myself out caring too much to be the peacekeeper, and it was no longer worth it when all you got was venom and gashes. Sometimes toxic people deserve one another, because they love the contention, the hatred, and the struggle. It's so fun to do and say cruel and wicked things all while pretending to be caring for people. You're neither a good nor caring person if you pretend to be kind yet treat people wickedly behind the scenes.

When trying to help toxic people fails, you have no other recourse than to ignore them and let your heart be troubled no more. It's better to focus on the good things in life, instead of being dragged down into some dark, miserable place inside your soul. I don't care for it, so I'm shutting it out and walking away towards the people and things in life that make me happy and content. Might as well, while young and able.

Long ago, after my mom passed, a therapist helped me deal with my toxic sister. She told me, you are the one who decides if someone has the power to hurt your or not. You must not let her have that power. You must find people who are caring and keep the good people close for they are rare, and let the bad ones go, even family. She was right. I had to cut my sister off. It helped her too, to not be enabled by knowing I'll always be there if she did something toxic. She learned she won't get away with that with me. So things are better now. Not great, but I don't let her crap get to me. I live my life the best way I can and she isn't allowed, by me, to get in the way of my happiness. It isn't easy but cutting them out will work eventually. If they don't want help, they'll only get angry if you try. So walking away is sometimes the best option.

 

[Wake]

I've learned to stay away from toxic people, and not let their poisons affect me. Anyone who keeps alive malicious contention, whether it be through not letting go of selfish drama, or trying to bring people down and into depression with ill vibes, is toxic. The kind of people who taunt, ridicule, creates drama out of things that don't merit it, and stirs the pot without care or concern for others are toxic as well.

People like that aren't content to let things go, let people be, or remove themselves from the equation. They lash out at people who simply wanted you to back off and stop, find or create reasons to besmirch your image, tell you to go screw yourself because you refuse to take sides, and use non-tangential issues as tools to hurt other people. Vile, wicked, cruel, vicious, and mean. Pretending to be a good person while stabbing people who refuse to take sides or join in the pettiest of dramas.

All because someone wanted to break up a toxic fight. But I know better, and it's best to stay away from people who have made it extremely clear that they don't want peace. I had worn myself out caring too much to be the peacekeeper, and it was no longer worth it when all you got was venom and gashes. Sometimes toxic people deserve one another, because they love the contention, the hatred, and the struggle. It's so fun to do and say cruel and wicked things all while pretending to be caring for people. You're neither a good nor caring person if you pretend to be kind yet treat people wickedly behind the scenes.

When trying to help toxic people fails, you have no other recourse than to ignore them and let your heart be troubled no more. It's better to focus on the good things in life, instead of being dragged down into some dark, miserable place inside your soul. I don't care for it, so I'm shutting it out and walking away towards the people and things in life that make me happy and content. Might as well, while young and able.

Long ago, after my mom passed, a therapist helped me deal with my toxic sister. She told me, you are the one who decides if someone has the power to hurt your or not. You must not let her have that power. You must find people who are caring and keep the good people close for they are rare, and let the bad ones go, even family. She was right. I had to cut my sister off. It helped her too, to not be enabled by knowing I'll always be there if she did something toxic. She learned she won't get away with that with me. So things are better now. Not great, but I don't let her crap get to me. I live my life the best way I can and she isn't allowed, by me, to get in the way of my happiness. It isn't easy but cutting them out will work eventually. If they don't want help, they'll only get angry if you try. So walking away is sometimes the best option.

You're absolutely right. I'm disgusted by how those toxic people treated me, and now I'm shutting that door forever and not allowing their venomous vibes to trouble me any more. Sometimes taking the highroad is walking away from the muck and the mire, even if it means looking like a coward. As long as I have my integrity, I can sleep well at night, and not be troubled by spiritually ugly people. In time, it will prevail, as toxic people will eventually latch on to others, or themselves and theirs. I did my best, and I have no regrets, and I will keep my integrity intact.

Mafia's been going well, and is a source of enjoyment for all. I've been focusing on it and other projects in order to keep my mind busy and away from negativity.

 

[BDBoop]

What sheer perfection.

 

[JakeStarkey]

Wonderful and provoking discussion. Makes me think carefully about a situation in the family that will be ongoing this week.

Thank you all.

 

[syrenn]

Excellent article.

How to Save Yourself from Toxic People: 10 Steps (with Pictures)

Recognize the toxic personality types. We all have our down days, and each of us is prone to the blues now and then. However, when it comes to toxic people, the blues appear to be a permanent state of being and feeling down, glum, angry, etc., becomes a primary personality trait rather than a temporary state of mind. The following toxic personality types are ones to be on the watch for:

Angry at life: A person who is always angry, blowing up, shouting, and reacting to everyone in a volatile manner is a toxic person. They need a lot of help but you don't need to be their battering board. Staying around a person like this will cause you to become angry too, to see slights where there are none, to react instead of reflecting, and to fear things.

Everything in the world is rotten: A person with this worldview is always down and always finds the dark side in everything. And they love miserable company; the more dark thinkers agreeing with their conspiracies and frightening theories, the better. Oddly enough, this person will often be competitive about their misery, trying to outdo any other person's misery. Prone to seeing other people's mistakes as enormous transgressions (and therefore cannot forgive) and to fearing that people are going to let them down/let them go at any moment, they live in constant state of fate-determining negativity and lack hope. Since they don't feel capable of changing their trajectory, they'll try to drag you in with them.

Attention seekers: Insecure, unable to create their own sense of self-worth, and emotionally immature, this person is a "clinger". They want your attention, they want it when they want it (now!) and they need to be at the center of everything. This person's constant need to be heard and rescued will wear you down eventually and their inability to settle down and take a good, long hard look at themselves means that they try to suck the energy and life from elsewhere, namely from you.


Gossips: "When all else in your own life fails, spill the beans on other people's misfortunes" is the motto of this difficult character. Instead of keeping confidences and being supportive, this person allows envious feelings to get the better of them instead of rechannelling their envious feelings. Unfortunately, gossip feels exciting to those receiving it initially, but it's like a sugar high- it soon crashes and the nasty after-effects harm everyone. If you have found yourself caught up with a gossip and you've enabled them or benefited from them, don't get hung up on worrying about your complicity; forgive yourself, make a choice to only speak well of others from this point on, and remove yourself from their sphere.

Fearful frighteners: Worry, anxiety, "what ifs", and fear push this personality. Everything in life, from relationships to crossing the road, holds some potential for fear and terror, and this person's anxiety is unfortunately very contagious.

^^^

That.......

 

[Wolfsister77]

I've learned to stay away from toxic people, and not let their poisons affect me. Anyone who keeps alive malicious contention, whether it be through not letting go of selfish drama, or trying to bring people down and into depression with ill vibes, is toxic. The kind of people who taunt, ridicule, creates drama out of things that don't merit it, and stirs the pot without care or concern for others are toxic as well.

People like that aren't content to let things go, let people be, or remove themselves from the equation. They lash out at people who simply wanted you to back off and stop, find or create reasons to besmirch your image, tell you to go screw yourself because you refuse to take sides, and use non-tangential issues as tools to hurt other people. Vile, wicked, cruel, vicious, and mean. Pretending to be a good person while stabbing people who refuse to take sides or join in the pettiest of dramas.

All because someone wanted to break up a toxic fight. But I know better, and it's best to stay away from people who have made it extremely clear that they don't want peace. I had worn myself out caring too much to be the peacekeeper, and it was no longer worth it when all you got was venom and gashes. Sometimes toxic people deserve one another, because they love the contention, the hatred, and the struggle. It's so fun to do and say cruel and wicked things all while pretending to be caring for people. You're neither a good nor caring person if you pretend to be kind yet treat people wickedly behind the scenes.

When trying to help toxic people fails, you have no other recourse than to ignore them and let your heart be troubled no more. It's better to focus on the good things in life, instead of being dragged down into some dark, miserable place inside your soul. I don't care for it, so I'm shutting it out and walking away towards the people and things in life that make me happy and content. Might as well, while young and able.

Long ago, after my mom passed, a therapist helped me deal with my toxic sister. She told me, you are the one who decides if someone has the power to hurt your or not. You must not let her have that power. You must find people who are caring and keep the good people close for they are rare, and let the bad ones go, even family. She was right. I had to cut my sister off. It helped her too, to not be enabled by knowing I'll always be there if she did something toxic. She learned she won't get away with that with me. So things are better now. Not great, but I don't let her crap get to me. I live my life the best way I can and she isn't allowed, by me, to get in the way of my happiness. It isn't easy but cutting them out will work eventually. If they don't want help, they'll only get angry if you try. So walking away is sometimes the best option.

You're absolutely right. I'm disgusted by how those toxic people treated me, and now I'm shutting that door forever and not allowing their venomous vibes to trouble me any more. Sometimes taking the highroad is walking away from the muck and the mire, even if it means looking like a coward. As long as I have my integrity, I can sleep well at night, and not be troubled by spiritually ugly people. In time, it will prevail, as toxic people will eventually latch on to others, or themselves and theirs. I did my best, and I have no regrets, and I will keep my integrity intact.

Mafia's been going well, and is a source of enjoyment for all. I've been focusing on it and other projects in order to keep my mind busy and away from negativity.

Well, that's kind of the key is to find something that is enjoyable to concentrate on. I love listening to music. That helps a lot or getting into a good book. I'm big into gardening so when the weather is right, I'll be doing that. Anything that you find enjoyable that can keep your mind free of anything negative for a short while will help you. It isn't always easy. I have really bad anxiety. And I am more than capable of losing my cool. But, at least I try to chill out for a few minutes when things get bad with an enjoyable activity even if only for 10 min.

 

[Statistikhengst]

You’ve probably read about the importance of not surrounding yourself with toxic people. In life you've probably met them. Chances are you may have also been foolish enough to try and get them to stop fighting.

So, wait a minute, what is a toxic person?

It’s not that the whole person is toxic. Rather, their behavior is toxic or your relationship with the person is toxic, said Jodie Gale, MA, a psychotherapist and life coach in Sydney, Australia.

“Often the person is deeply wounded and for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their wounding, their feelings, their needs and their subsequent problems in life.”

They may overidentify and act out the parts of who they are, such as the victim, bully, perfectionist or martyr, she said. “They act from these parts trying to get their needs met, albeit in an extremely unhealthy way.”

According to Gale, it’s common for people with toxic behavior to: create drama in their lives or be surrounded by it; try to manipulate or control others; be needy (“it is all about them all the time”); use others to meet their needs (such as “narcissistic parents”); be extremely critical of themselves and others; be jealous and envious of others, bemoaning their bad fortune and others’ good fortune; abuse substances or harm themselves in other ways, and be unwilling (or unable) to seek help from loved ones, a therapist or a recovery program.

What's a Toxic Person and How do You deal with One?

I'm young, and certainly not the sharpest tool in the shed. I've experienced some people in my life who were toxic, and, because of my inexperience and naiveté, I tried to keep the peace.

It was a failure. A complete and utter failure. Every attempt was met with toxic swipes. All while the poison seeped in and affected me adversely.

Enough was enough, so I stopped trying to make their wounds heal, or persuade them to take a hike on the peaceful path. It was just pointless, because they were so consumed by their own toxicity.

Was it the right thing to try and get people you liked to stop hurting one another?
A lot of people certainly agree that keeping the peace is the best thing to do, but at what cost?
What would you do if people you liked kept hurting one another, and when you tried to break it apart you got hurt by them, too?



Those are some of the things I felt while that door to them was open.

“If the person’s toxic behavior doesn’t change, or the relationship is just too toxic for you, send them forward in life with love and compassion, and then move forward with your life,” Gale said.

And, reading this, I can understand a little better what I should have done earlier. Instead of keeping the door open and being sprayed with venom, close the door off to people in your lives who are toxic... if nothing else works. Just close the door, and don't allow yourself to be poisoned by the negative feelings and emotions, nor let those thoughts bother you.

Let not your heart be troubled. Life is so unbelievably short, so you should spend it with people who are truly happy, upright, and caring. Whatever you do, don't personally attack them, either, because once they react badly it will be just like tackling a pile of anthrax. Don't tackle a pile anthrax. Stay away from it at all costs, or it'll poison your whole being.

It is good to keep the peace, I think, but it's better to avoid toxicity in general. Thinking back, my father was a toxic man himself, and it took me years of being away from him for his influence to sweat out of the pores of my very soul.

Do you agree that it's best to just stay away from toxic people? What would you do?

It is difficult to know what to do. I try to be kind because they need it more than other folks sometimes but truly there are times I know I just need to take a break from responding to them at all.

Sometimes silence is the best answer for toxic people. Given enough time they may think about why others are feeling drained from being around them.

Sometimes given enough praise and encouragement they become the people they were destined to become too. It depends on the person I reckon.


Great thread, Wake.

 

[Statistikhengst]

I've learned to stay away from toxic people, and not let their poisons affect me. Anyone who keeps alive malicious contention, whether it be through not letting go of selfish drama, or trying to bring people down and into depression with ill vibes, is toxic. The kind of people who taunt, ridicule, creates drama out of things that don't merit it, and stirs the pot without care or concern for others are toxic as well.

People like that aren't content to let things go, let people be, or remove themselves from the equation. They lash out at people who simply wanted you to back off and stop, find or create reasons to besmirch your image, tell you to go screw yourself because you refuse to take sides, and use non-tangential issues as tools to hurt other people. Vile, wicked, cruel, vicious, and mean. Pretending to be a good person while stabbing people who refuse to take sides or join in the pettiest of dramas.

All because someone wanted to break up a toxic fight. But I know better, and it's best to stay away from people who have made it extremely clear that they don't want peace. I had worn myself out caring too much to be the peacekeeper, and it was no longer worth it when all you got was venom and gashes. Sometimes toxic people deserve one another, because they love the contention, the hatred, and the struggle. It's so fun to do and say cruel and wicked things all while pretending to be caring for people. You're neither a good nor caring people if you pretend to be kind yet treat people wickedly behind the scenes.

When trying to help toxic people fail, you have no other recourse than to ignore them and let your heart be troubled no more. It's better to focus on the good things in life, instead of being dragged down into some dark, miserable place inside your soul. I don't care for it, so I'm shutting it out and walking away towards the people and things in life that make me happy and content. Might as well, while young and able.

It's not easy to identify toxic people sometimes....only after seeing their behavior over a period of time are you able to make that distinction, then it's best to break free of them.
It is true that they pretend to care about you, but in the end they really don't and can discard you in a moment's notice. Trying to help them is a waste of effort because they don't want help, they don't see their own toxicity and instead turn it on you and see you as the toxic person. Life is too short to waste on toxic people...instead concentrate on those who truly care about you, are sensitive to your feelings and go out of their way not to hurt you.

I agree with you - time plays a role in all of this.

 

[Book of Jeremiah]

Long ago, after my mom passed, a therapist helped me deal with my toxic sister. She told me, you are the one who decides if someone has the power to hurt your or not. You must not let her have that power. You must find people who are caring and keep the good people close for they are rare, and let the bad ones go, even family. She was right. I had to cut my sister off. It helped her too, to not be enabled by knowing I'll always be there if she did something toxic. She learned she won't get away with that with me. So things are better now. Not great, but I don't let her crap get to me. I live my life the best way I can and she isn't allowed, by me, to get in the way of my happiness. It isn't easy but cutting them out will work eventually. If they don't want help, they'll only get angry if you try. So walking away is sometimes the best option.

You're absolutely right. I'm disgusted by how those toxic people treated me, and now I'm shutting that door forever and not allowing their venomous vibes to trouble me any more. Sometimes taking the highroad is walking away from the muck and the mire, even if it means looking like a coward. As long as I have my integrity, I can sleep well at night, and not be troubled by spiritually ugly people. In time, it will prevail, as toxic people will eventually latch on to others, or themselves and theirs. I did my best, and I have no regrets, and I will keep my integrity intact.

Mafia's been going well, and is a source of enjoyment for all. I've been focusing on it and other projects in order to keep my mind busy and away from negativity.

Well, that's kind of the key is to find something that is enjoyable to concentrate on. I love listening to music. That helps a lot or getting into a good book. I'm big into gardening so when the weather is right, I'll be doing that. Anything that you find enjoyable that can keep your mind free of anything negative for a short while will help you. It isn't always easy. I have really bad anxiety. And I am more than capable of losing my cool. But, at least I try to chill out for a few minutes when things get bad with an enjoyable activity even if only for 10 min.

Gardening is good and so is reading a good book. I'm having good weather today to resume some work outside. This was a great discussion. Good read.

 

[Esmeralda]

Instead of keeping the door open and being sprayed with venom, close the door off to people in your lives who are toxic... if nothing else works. Just close the door, and don't allow yourself to be poisoned by the negative feelings and emotions, nor let those thoughts bother you.

Do you agree that it's best to just stay away from toxic people? What would you do?

Yep. Just ignore them, keep them out of your life. I used to feel guilty about this and would be pulled back in, but not anymore. Toxic people nearly destroyed me and my whole life at one point. This is no exaggeration. After that experience, I just walk away from them, completely shut them out. Period. Never again.

 

[Statistikhengst]

Wonderful and provoking discussion. Makes me think carefully about a situation in the family that will be ongoing this week.

Thank you all.

Long ago, after my mom passed, a therapist helped me deal with my toxic sister. She told me, you are the one who decides if someone has the power to hurt your or not. You must not let her have that power. You must find people who are caring and keep the good people close for they are rare, and let the bad ones go, even family. She was right. I had to cut my sister off. It helped her too, to not be enabled by knowing I'll always be there if she did something toxic. She learned she won't get away with that with me. So things are better now. Not great, but I don't let her crap get to me. I live my life the best way I can and she isn't allowed, by me, to get in the way of my happiness. It isn't easy but cutting them out will work eventually. If they don't want help, they'll only get angry if you try. So walking away is sometimes the best option.

You're absolutely right. I'm disgusted by how those toxic people treated me, and now I'm shutting that door forever and not allowing their venomous vibes to trouble me any more. Sometimes taking the highroad is walking away from the muck and the mire, even if it means looking like a coward. As long as I have my integrity, I can sleep well at night, and not be troubled by spiritually ugly people. In time, it will prevail, as toxic people will eventually latch on to others, or themselves and theirs. I did my best, and I have no regrets, and I will keep my integrity intact.

Mafia's been going well, and is a source of enjoyment for all. I've been focusing on it and other projects in order to keep my mind busy and away from negativity.

Well, that's kind of the key is to find something that is enjoyable to concentrate on. I love listening to music. That helps a lot or getting into a good book. I'm big into gardening so when the weather is right, I'll be doing that. Anything that you find enjoyable that can keep your mind free of anything negative for a short while will help you. It isn't always easy. I have really bad anxiety. And I am more than capable of losing my cool. But, at least I try to chill out for a few minutes when things get bad with an enjoyable activity even if only for 10 min.

Sounds to me like you have developed a plan that works for you.

 

[Statistikhengst]

Good thread, [MENTION=44124]Wake[/MENTION] - sorry, couldn't contribute right away, but glad I stopped by.

 

[editec]

[ame=http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407]Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life: Susan Forward, Craig Buck: 9780553381405: Amazon.com: Books[/ame]​

 

[Derideo_Te]

I have only ever been forced to be around one toxic person. He was the friend of a friend and we used to go to gun shows together. Toxic person was always a dreary asshole. One day I asked my friend why he put up with him, and his response was that he felt obligated because they had been friends since grade school.

My response was on the order of, "but, he makes you miserable, he doesn't pay for his own food, you basically have to take care of him....what do YOU get out of the relationship?"

He couldn't answer that. So a few weeks pass and they meet me at the next gun show and once again I ask my friend what does he get from the relationship. And this time I asked him in front of the toxic one. And this time I addressed the toxic one directly and made it clear to my friend that the toxic person was a leech. A succubus who's sole reason for being was to make all of those around him miserable. That if my friend never saw him again the leech would take no notice and would merely find some other poor person to afflict.

A few weeks later just my friend showed up...no leech in tow.... He hasn't visited the toxic one in over 30 years now and he thanks me at least once a year for opening his eyes.

Staying away for toxic people is a good idea and recommended for most people because knowing how to deal with them is not something the average person can handle.

Identifying a toxic person is not as easy as it seems. Jeri found herself in a toxic situation and had to extricate herself. If anyone has never been in that situation when they are the exception rather than the rule. Wake is correct that it can take years to rid oneself of the toxins from toxic people because they inject their poison deep inside you.

The worst about toxic people is that they drag you down with them and essentially trap you with their depression and negativity. Once you are depressed it is much harder to find the willpower to escape.

There are some good books that explain how interactions work and how to deal with toxic people. Most of them play mental games where their reward is to make you feel bad. These are usually done through guilt of some sort. Guilt because you as a good person are not there to help them out in their hour (make that lifetime) of need or because you have things better than they do and therefore you are the fortunate one and are obligated because of your fortune to assist them. There are variations but that is the primary game and motivation behind it.

Please note that toxic people might say that they care for/about you but that is a lie. They are utterly self centered and only care about themselves. They will tell you things to manipulate you into doing what they want. None of it is to your benefit and it always ends up costing you in emotional, time or fiscal terms.

Knowing how to break the cycle is crucial for you own well being and recognizing that it exists is the first step. Westwall intervened and broke the cycle for his friend. If you see someone in that situation speak up. If you are in that situation reach out to a genuine friend. Toxic people are never your friend in real terms no matter how long you have known them.

Good topic, Wake

I agree 100%.

I've learned to stay away from toxic people, and not let their poisons affect me. Anyone who keeps alive malicious contention, whether it be through not letting go of selfish drama, or trying to bring people down and into depression with ill vibes, is toxic. The kind of people who taunt, ridicule, creates drama out of things that don't merit it, and stirs the pot without care or concern for others are toxic as well.

People like that aren't content to let things go, let people be, or remove themselves from the equation. They lash out at people who simply wanted you to back off and stop, find or create reasons to besmirch your image, tell you to go screw yourself because you refuse to take sides, and use non-tangential issues as tools to hurt other people. Vile, wicked, cruel, vicious, and mean. Pretending to be a good person while stabbing people who refuse to take sides or join in the pettiest of dramas.

All because someone wanted to break up a toxic fight. But I know better, and it's best to stay away from people who have made it extremely clear that they don't want peace. I had worn myself out caring too much to be the peacekeeper, and it was no longer worth it when all you got was venom and gashes. Sometimes toxic people deserve one another, because they love the contention, the hatred, and the struggle. It's so fun to do and say cruel and wicked things all while pretending to be caring for people. You're neither a good nor caring person if you pretend to be kind yet treat people wickedly behind the scenes.

When trying to help toxic people fails, you have no other recourse than to ignore them and let your heart be troubled no more. It's better to focus on the good things in life, instead of being dragged down into some dark, miserable place inside your soul. I don't care for it, so I'm shutting it out and walking away towards the people and things in life that make me happy and content. Might as well, while young and able.

Long ago, after my mom passed, a therapist helped me deal with my toxic sister. She told me, you are the one who decides if someone has the power to hurt your or not. You must not let her have that power. You must find people who are caring and keep the good people close for they are rare, and let the bad ones go, even family. She was right. I had to cut my sister off. It helped her too, to not be enabled by knowing I'll always be there if she did something toxic. She learned she won't get away with that with me. So things are better now. Not great, but I don't let her crap get to me. I live my life the best way I can and she isn't allowed, by me, to get in the way of my happiness. It isn't easy but cutting them out will work eventually. If they don't want help, they'll only get angry if you try. So walking away is sometimes the best option.

Exactly right. Walking away is the smart move for both of you. I did the same thing with my entire family at one stage. Yes, it meant cutting off both the good and the bad but I needed to do it for my own sanity. But putting that distance between myself and them was one of the best things I ever did. I established my own group of friends and started my own family on a positive basis.

When I did eventually reconcile with my family it was on my terms and not theirs. I set the ground rules and if they could not stick to them they were immediately shunned. Interestingly enough the other good family members starting insisting on changing the rules for their own benefit too. The entire family dynamic is far less toxic than it was in the past.

Let me add the caveat that this approach might not work for everyone. I am strong willed and independent. I could survive without them on my own. That is not true for everyone but distance and time are still the best options for dealing with the toxic people because it enables both perspective and healing.

Peace
DT

 

[Wake]

Thanks guys for all your warm words.

Having put them from my mind I decided to focus even more on my work, caring for people. I was at my client's home today for three hours and I worked off the bad energies by cleaning her house up spotless, leaving no stone unturned in making sure she was care for, and calling the town hall to advocate for her to have the garbagemen pick up her garbage—my client told me they had been slacking on it. Laundry, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, polishing, cooking, cleaning the kitchen, filling the water in the CPAP, etc, etc, etc. I absolutely love caring for people, and that's why I am what I am in my profession.

Upon returning to the office to deliver my documentation, I was informed that yet another family had requested me personally to care for one of theirs. Not only that, but the company has some big projects coming up where they can use for help badly. Big projects are clients that require very extensive help, in which the setting is intricate and sensitive.

So now I'm feeling even better, and letting it shine through as I go about my business. I think I'll make dinner tonight for my loved ones. Maybe a whole ham from Aldi's in the slowcooker? Mm, yeah, I think I'm going to do that. It's best to banish bad thoughts from your mind and be an eternal optimist. And nothing can stop you from doing that. I wish you all a good day, and am grateful that you took time out of your busy lives to respond to one simple shmuck's post. Thank you.