Keeping the Peace

[BDBoop]

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life: Susan Forward, Craig Buck: 9780553381405: Amazon.com: Books​

Excellent share. I'm assuming this thread is about real life. It would be more than passing strange to be about people you couldn't pick out of a line-up.

I used to run a forum for survivors, we helped those who were actively dealing with toxicity in their lives. We advised them to avoid boards with toxic people on them, because they already had enough stress.

The point isn't to try and control the offender. The point is to avoid them.

 

[BDBoop]

Long ago, after my mom passed, a therapist helped me deal with my toxic sister. She told me, you are the one who decides if someone has the power to hurt your or not. You must not let her have that power. You must find people who are caring and keep the good people close for they are rare, and let the bad ones go, even family. She was right. I had to cut my sister off. It helped her too, to not be enabled by knowing I'll always be there if she did something toxic. She learned she won't get away with that with me. So things are better now. Not great, but I don't let her crap get to me. I live my life the best way I can and she isn't allowed, by me, to get in the way of my happiness. It isn't easy but cutting them out will work eventually. If they don't want help, they'll only get angry if you try. So walking away is sometimes the best option.

You're absolutely right. I'm disgusted by how those toxic people treated me, and now I'm shutting that door forever and not allowing their venomous vibes to trouble me any more. Sometimes taking the highroad is walking away from the muck and the mire, even if it means looking like a coward. As long as I have my integrity, I can sleep well at night, and not be troubled by spiritually ugly people. In time, it will prevail, as toxic people will eventually latch on to others, or themselves and theirs. I did my best, and I have no regrets, and I will keep my integrity intact.

Mafia's been going well, and is a source of enjoyment for all. I've been focusing on it and other projects in order to keep my mind busy and away from negativity.

Well, that's kind of the key is to find something that is enjoyable to concentrate on. I love listening to music. That helps a lot or getting into a good book. I'm big into gardening so when the weather is right, I'll be doing that. Anything that you find enjoyable that can keep your mind free of anything negative for a short while will help you. It isn't always easy. I have really bad anxiety. And I am more than capable of losing my cool. But, at least I try to chill out for a few minutes when things get bad with an enjoyable activity even if only for 10 min.

Same. And I find that my anxiety is significantly reduced by positive feedback (from myself), combined with square breathing. And by positive feedback, I mean an active redirect. "Okay, that's enough time on your deranged sister's Facebook page, where everybody loves her because they believe her lies, and she is SO very good at sucking up. You weren't happy when you got here, and you are visibly less happy now. Walk away. Breathe. Breathe. ...... better? Okay, let's go to Pinterest."

 

[Mertex]

Thanks guys for all your warm words.

Having put them from my mind I decided to focus even more on my work, caring for people. I was at my client's home today for three hours and I worked off the bad energies by cleaning her house up spotless, leaving no stone unturned in making sure she was care for, and calling the town hall to advocate for her to have the garbagemen pick up her garbage—my client told me they had been slacking on it. Laundry, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, polishing, cooking, cleaning the kitchen, filling the water in the CPAP, etc, etc, etc. I absolutely love caring for people, and that's why I am what I am in my profession.

Upon returning to the office to deliver my documentation, I was informed that yet another family had requested me personally to care for one of theirs. Not only that, but the company has some big projects coming up where they can use for help badly. Big projects are clients that require very extensive help, in which the setting is intricate and sensitive.

So now I'm feeling even better, and letting it shine through as I go about my business. I think I'll make dinner tonight for my loved ones. Maybe a whole ham from Aldi's in the slowcooker? Mm, yeah, I think I'm going to do that. It's best to banish bad thoughts from your mind and be an eternal optimist. And nothing can stop you from doing that. I wish you all a good day, and am grateful that you took time out of your busy lives to respond to one simple shmuck's post. Thank you.

That's great, Wake. It doesn't take long after disassociating with Toxic people that you start reaping the benefits of feeling better. Doing nice and caring things brings much more peace into our lives than being ugly and hurtful. Too bad the toxic people don't see it and start trying it...it could change their whole lives.

 

[koshergrl]

I removed toxic people from my day to day life to the extent I could.

For the rest, I limit my interactions with them to eternally cheerful and shallow interactions.

My mother is one of the most toxic people I've ever met. I had to actually move hundreds of miles away to limit that influence.

 

[kiwiman127]

A good friend will help you to discover the potentials you haven't uncovered. A bad friend will help you to cover up the potentials you have already recovered. Make your choice!”
Israelmore Ayivor

Words to live by.

 

[JakeStarkey]

Since we have an adult family female member (married, two children) who is driving across country to get away from them, the above is a greater reminder as well as some great tools in helping her help herself (if that's what she wants). Two other family female adults are having back operations in widely separated locations from each other as well as Salt Lake City.

So good thoughts and or prayers to everyone for this day and every day.

 

[BDBoop]

Since we have an adult family female member (married, two children) who is driving across country to get away from them, the above is a greater reminder as well as some great tools in helping her help herself (if that's what she wants). Two other family female adults are having back operations in widely separated locations from each other as well as Salt Lake City.

So good thoughts and or prayers to everyone for this day and every day.

In the act of actively disengaging, I remember - my vocabulary would shrink by a massive amount. Fight or flight in play, no doubt. I would wind up saying "I can't do this," and just walking away. If I was pursued, I was generally reduced to tears, so that's when I stopped answering the phone or the door, or opening mail (my mother wrote some hellish curses - literal curses - that I am still occasionally having to work on removing from my memory.)

In time, people learned I was no longer available for scapegoating - or anything else, really. I was broken, and I was done. Just done. Fortunately, there is a truth that helped with healing, and that is that I am one who is blessed to be stronger at the broken places.

 

[Wake]

More bad vibes are dissipating, so that's a good thing for everyone in general. Toxicity is contagious, deceitful, and cruel. If you stay away from it, and don't feed the trolls you'll meet in life, you will keep your integrity intact. If it is hopeless, stay away from toxic people, and enjoy your life with loved ones and good people while you still can.

 

[Mertex]

More bad vibes are dissipating, so that's a good thing for everyone in general. Toxicity is contagious, deceitful, and cruel. If you stay away from it, and don't feed the trolls you'll meet in life, you will keep your integrity intact. If it is hopeless, stay away from toxic people, and enjoy your life with loved ones and good people while you still can.

Good advice, although sometimes they end up doing themselves more harm than the people they want to hurt....

 

[Moonglow]

I refuse to be subjected to it or join in the fray....

 

[Statistikhengst]

A serious thought I want to throw out there: I mean, I can't think of a person who is born to be toxic. He or she learns it with time.

One good question would be: why?

 

[Derideo_Te]

I have only ever been forced to be around one toxic person. He was the friend of a friend and we used to go to gun shows together. Toxic person was always a dreary asshole. One day I asked my friend why he put up with him, and his response was that he felt obligated because they had been friends since grade school.

My response was on the order of, "but, he makes you miserable, he doesn't pay for his own food, you basically have to take care of him....what do YOU get out of the relationship?"

He couldn't answer that. So a few weeks pass and they meet me at the next gun show and once again I ask my friend what does he get from the relationship. And this time I asked him in front of the toxic one. And this time I addressed the toxic one directly and made it clear to my friend that the toxic person was a leech. A succubus who's sole reason for being was to make all of those around him miserable. That if my friend never saw him again the leech would take no notice and would merely find some other poor person to afflict.

A few weeks later just my friend showed up...no leech in tow.... He hasn't visited the toxic one in over 30 years now and he thanks me at least once a year for opening his eyes.

Staying away for toxic people is a good idea and recommended for most people because knowing how to deal with them is not something the average person can handle.

Identifying a toxic person is not as easy as it seems. Jeri found herself in a toxic situation and had to extricate herself. If anyone has never been in that situation when they are the exception rather than the rule. Wake is correct that it can take years to rid oneself of the toxins from toxic people because they inject their poison deep inside you.

The worst about toxic people is that they drag you down with them and essentially trap you with their depression and negativity. Once you are depressed it is much harder to find the willpower to escape.

There are some good books that explain how interactions work and how to deal with toxic people. Most of them play mental games where their reward is to make you feel bad. These are usually done through guilt of some sort. Guilt because you as a good person are not there to help them out in their hour (make that lifetime) of need or because you have things better than they do and therefore you are the fortunate one and are obligated because of your fortune to assist them. There are variations but that is the primary game and motivation behind it.

Please note that toxic people might say that they care for/about you but that is a lie. They are utterly self centered and only care about themselves. They will tell you things to manipulate you into doing what they want. None of it is to your benefit and it always ends up costing you in emotional, time or fiscal terms.

Knowing how to break the cycle is crucial for you own well being and recognizing that it exists is the first step. Westwall intervened and broke the cycle for his friend. If you see someone in that situation speak up. If you are in that situation reach out to a genuine friend. Toxic people are never your friend in real terms no matter how long you have known them.

Good topic, Wake

I agree 100%.

More bad vibes are dissipating, so that's a good thing for everyone in general. Toxicity is contagious, deceitful, and cruel. If you stay away from it, and don't feed the trolls you'll meet in life, you will keep your integrity intact. If it is hopeless, stay away from toxic people, and enjoy your life with loved ones and good people while you still can.

Just an FYI. If you really want to stay away for toxic people you should avoid the FZ as much as possible. There are more toxic people per post in this area of USMB than the rest of it combined in my opinion. And that goes across the entire spectrum of posters. Not singling anyone or any side out. Just my observation that the FZ has the highest concentration of toxicity.

I still venture down here and read some posts and make the occasional one too. But that is the exception rather than the rule. My personal rule is to abstain from getting involved down here. I don't care what anyone posts about me down here because I take it from whence it comes. I don't feel any need to defend myself or anyone else in this area.

I just walk away from it all because (a) I don't need the drama, and (b) anyone trying to bring you down is already beneath you to begin with.

Just my 2 cents. No offense intended to anyone personally. Just my honest opinion.

Peace
DT

 

[Wolfsister77]

I have only ever been forced to be around one toxic person. He was the friend of a friend and we used to go to gun shows together. Toxic person was always a dreary asshole. One day I asked my friend why he put up with him, and his response was that he felt obligated because they had been friends since grade school.

My response was on the order of, "but, he makes you miserable, he doesn't pay for his own food, you basically have to take care of him....what do YOU get out of the relationship?"

He couldn't answer that. So a few weeks pass and they meet me at the next gun show and once again I ask my friend what does he get from the relationship. And this time I asked him in front of the toxic one. And this time I addressed the toxic one directly and made it clear to my friend that the toxic person was a leech. A succubus who's sole reason for being was to make all of those around him miserable. That if my friend never saw him again the leech would take no notice and would merely find some other poor person to afflict.

A few weeks later just my friend showed up...no leech in tow.... He hasn't visited the toxic one in over 30 years now and he thanks me at least once a year for opening his eyes.

I agree 100%.

More bad vibes are dissipating, so that's a good thing for everyone in general. Toxicity is contagious, deceitful, and cruel. If you stay away from it, and don't feed the trolls you'll meet in life, you will keep your integrity intact. If it is hopeless, stay away from toxic people, and enjoy your life with loved ones and good people while you still can.

Just an FYI. If you really want to stay away for toxic people you should avoid the FZ as much as possible. There are more toxic people per post in this area of USMB than the rest of it combined in my opinion. And that goes across the entire spectrum of posters. Not singling anyone or any side out. Just my observation that the FZ has the highest concentration of toxicity.

I still venture down here and read some posts and make the occasional one too. But that is the exception rather than the rule. My personal rule is to abstain from getting involved down here. I don't care what anyone posts about me down here because I take it from whence it comes. I don't feel any need to defend myself or anyone else in this area.

I just walk away from it all because (a) I don't need the drama, and (b) anyone trying to bring you down is already beneath you to begin with.

Just my 2 cents. No offense intended to anyone personally. Just my honest opinion.

Peace
DT

Very true but what if you want to go there and laugh.

 

[R.D.]

I have only ever been forced to be around one toxic person. He was the friend of a friend and we used to go to gun shows together. Toxic person was always a dreary asshole. One day I asked my friend why he put up with him, and his response was that he felt obligated because they had been friends since grade school.

My response was on the order of, "but, he makes you miserable, he doesn't pay for his own food, you basically have to take care of him....what do YOU get out of the relationship?"

He couldn't answer that. So a few weeks pass and they meet me at the next gun show and once again I ask my friend what does he get from the relationship. And this time I asked him in front of the toxic one. And this time I addressed the toxic one directly and made it clear to my friend that the toxic person was a leech. A succubus who's sole reason for being was to make all of those around him miserable. That if my friend never saw him again the leech would take no notice and would merely find some other poor person to afflict.

A few weeks later just my friend showed up...no leech in tow.... He hasn't visited the toxic one in over 30 years now and he thanks me at least once a year for opening his eyes.

More bad vibes are dissipating, so that's a good thing for everyone in general. Toxicity is contagious, deceitful, and cruel. If you stay away from it, and don't feed the trolls you'll meet in life, you will keep your integrity intact. If it is hopeless, stay away from toxic people, and enjoy your life with loved ones and good people while you still can.

Just an FYI. If you really want to stay away for toxic people you should avoid the FZ as much as possible. There are more toxic people per post in this area of USMB than the rest of it combined in my opinion. And that goes across the entire spectrum of posters. Not singling anyone or any side out. Just my observation that the FZ has the highest concentration of toxicity.

I still venture down here and read some posts and make the occasional one too. But that is the exception rather than the rule. My personal rule is to abstain from getting involved down here. I don't care what anyone posts about me down here because I take it from whence it comes. I don't feel any need to defend myself or anyone else in this area.

I just walk away from it all because (a) I don't need the drama, and (b) anyone trying to bring you down is already beneath you to begin with.

Just my 2 cents. No offense intended to anyone personally. Just my honest opinion.

Peace
DT

Very true but what if you want to go there and laugh.

Which brings up the fact that toxic people have no clue they're toxic. Not naming any names, but many posting on this thread are considered toxic to many others. They bait, demean, insult and lie all the whoe telling others how to behave.

You can remove yourself from a situation, but you cannot fix other people

 

[Derideo_Te]

I have only ever been forced to be around one toxic person. He was the friend of a friend and we used to go to gun shows together. Toxic person was always a dreary asshole. One day I asked my friend why he put up with him, and his response was that he felt obligated because they had been friends since grade school.

My response was on the order of, "but, he makes you miserable, he doesn't pay for his own food, you basically have to take care of him....what do YOU get out of the relationship?"

He couldn't answer that. So a few weeks pass and they meet me at the next gun show and once again I ask my friend what does he get from the relationship. And this time I asked him in front of the toxic one. And this time I addressed the toxic one directly and made it clear to my friend that the toxic person was a leech. A succubus who's sole reason for being was to make all of those around him miserable. That if my friend never saw him again the leech would take no notice and would merely find some other poor person to afflict.

A few weeks later just my friend showed up...no leech in tow.... He hasn't visited the toxic one in over 30 years now and he thanks me at least once a year for opening his eyes.

More bad vibes are dissipating, so that's a good thing for everyone in general. Toxicity is contagious, deceitful, and cruel. If you stay away from it, and don't feed the trolls you'll meet in life, you will keep your integrity intact. If it is hopeless, stay away from toxic people, and enjoy your life with loved ones and good people while you still can.

Just an FYI. If you really want to stay away for toxic people you should avoid the FZ as much as possible. There are more toxic people per post in this area of USMB than the rest of it combined in my opinion. And that goes across the entire spectrum of posters. Not singling anyone or any side out. Just my observation that the FZ has the highest concentration of toxicity.

I still venture down here and read some posts and make the occasional one too. But that is the exception rather than the rule. My personal rule is to abstain from getting involved down here. I don't care what anyone posts about me down here because I take it from whence it comes. I don't feel any need to defend myself or anyone else in this area.

I just walk away from it all because (a) I don't need the drama, and (b) anyone trying to bring you down is already beneath you to begin with.

Just my 2 cents. No offense intended to anyone personally. Just my honest opinion.

Peace
DT

Very true but what if you want to go there and laugh.

Nothing stopping you from doing so but the moment you participate you validate the toxic people by giving them your attention. Laugh all you want but refrain from posting in their threads that you are laughing. That way you deny them what they are seeking which is your attention.

 

[Derideo_Te]

Just an FYI. If you really want to stay away for toxic people you should avoid the FZ as much as possible. There are more toxic people per post in this area of USMB than the rest of it combined in my opinion. And that goes across the entire spectrum of posters. Not singling anyone or any side out. Just my observation that the FZ has the highest concentration of toxicity.

I still venture down here and read some posts and make the occasional one too. But that is the exception rather than the rule. My personal rule is to abstain from getting involved down here. I don't care what anyone posts about me down here because I take it from whence it comes. I don't feel any need to defend myself or anyone else in this area.

I just walk away from it all because (a) I don't need the drama, and (b) anyone trying to bring you down is already beneath you to begin with.

Just my 2 cents. No offense intended to anyone personally. Just my honest opinion.

Peace
DT

Very true but what if you want to go there and laugh.

Which brings up the fact that toxic people have no clue they're toxic. Not naming any names, but many posting on this thread are considered toxic to many others. They bait, demean, insult and lie all the whoe telling others how to behave.

You can remove yourself from a situation, but you cannot fix other people

Agreed, you cannot fix them because the only ones who can do that are the toxic people themselves. They have no incentive to fix themselves as long as their behavior is rewarded by your attention. Deny them that attention and refuse to give them any until they alter their behavior and then they will have an incentive to change themselves.

 

[Gracie]

Reading this has helped very much today. Thanks, guys.

I think it is time to put many toxic people on ignore. The more one stays in a poison well, the more poisoned one becomes themselves. There ARE such things as vampires. Not blood sucking ones. Energy sucking ones. They feed off your own positive energies and then you become a wasted negative producing machine.

Wear a cross. Stay away from FZ. Put on ignore those who prance around in your face waving their arms furiously to get your attention or ANYONE'S attention. And when it gets to you or you got sucked, turn to your friends to fill you back up with positive energy again.

 

[R.D.]

Very true but what if you want to go there and laugh.

Which brings up the fact that toxic people have no clue they're toxic. Not naming any names, but many posting on this thread are considered toxic to many others. They bait, demean, insult and lie all the whoe telling others how to behave.

You can remove yourself from a situation, but you cannot fix other people

Agreed, you cannot fix them because the only ones who can do that are the toxic people themselves. They have no incentive to fix themselves as long as their behavior is rewarded by your attention. Deny them that attention and refuse to give them any until they alter their behavior and then they will have an incentive to change themselves.

I'm not sure I agree. Why should they change? Because some others don't like it? They're not interested in who doesn't care. And those who don't like it, but butt in, are fodder for their game. They thrive off eachother, they enjoy it and are not aware. Again, just taking USMB for example, we've seen them go after certain posters only to back off and eventually become nice when their game didnt work. Or they turn on eachother, only creating even more crap to piss and moan about for all to see.

Watching the train wreck is just a human nature to some and amusing. Others not so much, they ignore them. They are not toxic to these two groups.

Outside the interwebs the same applies. Leave or understand their game and grow a thicker skin

 

[Gracie]

Speaking of.....

Sometimes talking to people to make them "understand" doesn't work. They just get angry because they stay angry at whatever. So....I did an experiment once to avoid a confrontation with tenants I had years ago when I was managing in West Covina. HUGE property. We had a nice garden area with pathways, night lamps, benches hither and yon and surrounded by flowers, bushes, and just beautiful plants everywhere. They would follow the cement path, but they also cut through the garden area, stepping on delicate flora and fauna. So..knowing most people follow without even thinking about it...I got some stepping stones and placed them close together, cutting through the garden. Then I watched from my window. The people would come home from work, cut through, but make sure each step was ON the stepping stones. Hmmm. Interesting. So after a few days, I went out there and moved the stepping stones until they were further apart and difficult to navigate easily. They came home, and stretched their legs far enough so their toes would be ON the stepping stones. They didn't even realize they were doing it. So the following days, I moved them back closer again, two by two, for easy passage. It worked out fine. They began to use that path, ON the stones, when not using the cement walkway.

Lesson learned? People will follow the easiest path and not even know they are doing it and confrontations can be avoided when some are determined to stomp on flowers instead of going the path hardest for them. They want the easy way..and the easy way can be pleasant if it is handled correctly.

 

[syrenn]

Very true but what if you want to go there and laugh.

Which brings up the fact that toxic people have no clue they're toxic. Not naming any names, but many posting on this thread are considered toxic to many others. They bait, demean, insult and lie all the whoe telling others how to behave.

You can remove yourself from a situation, but you cannot fix other people

Agreed, you cannot fix them because the only ones who can do that are the toxic people themselves. They have no incentive to fix themselves as long as their behavior is rewarded by your attention. Deny them that attention and refuse to give them any until they alter their behavior and then they will have an incentive to change themselves.

The problem is when the toxic people ....don't know they are toxic. Its of course...everyone else, just not them.

I find it rather funny to ignore them... they just spew more toxic. A win win as far as i am concerned