Jokes

[Votto]

Guy: " Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant. We always use protection, so how is it possible?"
Doctor: "Let me tell you a story. There was this hunter once who always carried a gun whenever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, and it died!

Guy: "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor:" Good! You understood the story!
Next patient please!"

 

[Votto]

So this guy walks into a bar and walks up to a bartender who is a good friend.


Guy: "I gotta have a drink, yesterday my best friend Ted ran away with my wife"

Bartender: "Sure, this one is on the house since you are feeling so bad, but when did Ted become your best friend?"

Guy: "As of yesterday!"

 

[Votto]

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

 

[Votto]

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them jerk offs."

 

[Votto]

What is the difference between a battery and a politician?

A battery has a positive side.

 

[Votto]

So this rancher has his buddy visit him as they strike up a conversation.

Friend: "Mind if I talk to your dog?"

Rancher: "Talk to my dog? You talk to dogs?"

Friend: "Sure do, don't believe me?"

Rancher: "Ok, go talk to my dog"

Friend: "Is he treating you OK?"

Dog: "Sure, he feeds me and takes me on walks.

Rancher: "Unbelievable! Why does he never talk to me?"

Friend: "Maybe you should try talking to him". "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher: "This is pure insanity! OK, go talk to my horse"

Friend: "Is he treating you OK?

Horse: "Sure, he feeds me, grooms me, and treats me like a king"

Rancher: "I must be dreaming! Incidentally, don't go near the sheep. They are all a bunch of liars!"

 

[Votto]

A woman tells her doctor that she's worried about her husband losing his temper.

The Doctor: "What's the problem?
The Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
Doc: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

TW: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
Doc: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

 

[Votto]

CREATING A PASSWORD

cabbage

- sorry the password must be more than 8 characters

boiled cabbage

-sorry the password must contain 1 numerical character

1 boiled cabbage

-sorry the password cannot have blank spaces

50freakingboiledcabbages

-sorry the password must contain at least one upper character

50freakingcabbagesshovedupyourarseifyoudontgivemeacessimmediatly!

-sorry the password cannot contain punctuation

50freakingcabbagesshovedupyourarseifyoudontgivemeaccessimmediatlyyoumoronictwit

-sorry that password has already been taken

 

[SaxxyBlues]

Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin....











1. What do you put in a toaster?









Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.









2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?












Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.









3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?









Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.









4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?











Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. InSwindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 1 1 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on .In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?













Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!!





Now, if you wish, and can remember how to, pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

 

[Moonglow]

 

[Votto]

A hotel guest in Japan comes down to reception to make a few requests about the room he has just checked in to.

"The mini bar is empty. I'd like it filled."

"Very good, sir."

"I can't seem to adjust the air conditioning".

"Of course. We'll send a technician up."

"Could I arrange it so that no calls are put through to the room?"

"Right you are."

"And I'd like the porn disabled."

"All our porn is just regular porn, you creep!"

 

[Votto]

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

 

[Votto]

Two deer hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses to the ground. He doesn't appear to be breathing and his eyes are glossy. His hunting partner whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency hot line. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a short moment of silence, then a gun shot is heard. Running back to the phone out of breath, the guy says "OK, now what?

 

[Votto]

Two policemen call the precinct on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband dead
for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

 

[Votto]

Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only
son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote
a letter to his son describing his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be able to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie
At 4:00 am the next morning, FBI Agents and local polce arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized
to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another
letter from his son.
Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

 

[Votto]

NEVER ARGUE WITH CHILDREN

So this 8 year old girl was sitting in her science class as the teacher began to discuss whales. Elated, the girl eagerly raised her hand and said, "I learned last Sunday in Sunday school class that Jonah was swallowed by a whale in the Old Testament"

There appeared a smirk on the face of the science teacher as she said, "I can assure you that this never happened, whales are not capable of swallowing a human."

Undaunted, the little girl protested saying, "But the whale swallowed Jonah and we all know that the Bible is true.

Once again, the teacher rebuffed the child and showed the class pictures of the average size of a whales throat and the average size of a human being so as to disprove her assertions.

The child then began to sulk back into her chair as the teacher began to smirk once again feeling victorious.

It was at that very moment the child retorted, "Well I'll have to ask Jonah about all this when I get to heaven."

Moving in for the final crushing blow to the fledgling faith of the small child the teacher proclaimed, "What makes you think he went to heaven, maybe he went to hell.", to which the child retorted, "Ok, then you can ask him about it".

 

[Votto]

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

 

[Votto]

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

 

[Votto]

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian"?

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."

 

[Votto]

man in southern california finds a brass lamp on the beach. he brushes off the seaweed and out pops a genie. the genie thanks him and says that he gets one wish. the man protests, suggesting that he should get three wishes. the genie says that he's a one-wish genie and that the wish should be just right on the first go.

the man thinks for a moment and wishes for a highway to Hawaii.

the genie has absolutely no problem building a highway bridge 2500 or so miles long across the pacific ocean that's 10s of thousands of feet deep salt water and buffeted by storms and requiring fueling stops and motels and restaurants and then, to make the highway would it have to be four lanes or would two lanes do? the genie points out the challenges of driving to hawaii over the ocean to the man, suggesting that another wish might make a little more sense. in fact, one might suspect that the genie did feel just a little challenged, right?

well, the man took the genie's sincerely offered advice and changed his wish. he asked the genie to explain how women think.

the genie frowned and asked the man to please offer a little context.

the man said, "well, my wife comes home and tells me that she saved $200 at kohls. i say that's great and ask how she did that and she tells me that they had a 50% sale. then the next time i go to kohls with her and she holds up this dress and says does this make me look fat? then. . .

the genie interrupts the man and asks, two lanes or four?