Poll Shows Majority Of Democrats Believe Lincoln Assassination Staged

[Fort Fun Indiana]

Poll Shows Majority Of Democrats Believe Lincoln Assassination Staged​

U.S.·Apr 29, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
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U.S. — The growing rift between the political right and left in the country became even more evident this week, as a new poll showed that a majority of Democrats believe the Lincoln assassination was staged.

Though long held to be a historical fact, a plurality of Democratic voters went on record in a research study to confirm that they now suspect that President Abraham Lincoln was never actually assassinated by John Wilkes Booth, and that the entire incident was simply an elaborate hoax.

"That whole situation was suspicious," lifelong Democrat Dean Stinson posted on social media. "Sure, the government and the educational system want you to believe that President Lincoln was shot by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theater, but let's be honest here, things don't add up. First of all, do you know what John Wilkes Booth did for a living? That's right — he was an actor. Actors literally spend their time playing roles and pretending. Sounds like just the guy you'd want to pull off a staged assassination, am I right?"

A majority of those who participated in the poll agreed. "It all just worked out a little too perfectly, didn't it?" said Andrew Huff, another Democrat. "You mean to tell me Booth supposedly shot Lincoln, stabbed another guy, jumped out of the theater box, ‘broke his leg,' and still managed to get away and hide for 12 days before he was captured? Please. Something doesn't seem right. The vibes aren't vibing. My gut tells me this has been a conspiracy all along."

At publishing time, a follow-up poll also indicated that a majority of Democrats believe former President John F. Kennedy is likely alive today and living somewhere in the Florida Keys.

I knew it was the halfwit Bee without even opening the thread.

 

[TNHarley]

I knew it was the halfwit Bee without even opening the thread.

Omg lol.
Did political satire not give it away? Or do you just rage click? Because you seem angry 24-7.

 

[Fort Fun Indiana]

Omg lol.
Did political satire not give it away? Or do you just rage click? Because you seem angry 24-7.

24/7, eh? I don't think you understand how the internet works.

 

[Fort Fun Indiana]

See, the Bee is for right wing goobers. So they guffaw at this low wit attenpt at a joke, but it relies on being ignorant or in denial of the fact that Trump is a pathological liar and career criminal, and Lincoln was not.

 

[TNHarley]

24/7, eh? I don't think you understand how the internet works.

 

[Votto]

See, the Bee is for right wing goobers. So they guffaw at this low wit attenpt at a joke, but it relies on being ignorant or in denial of the fact that Trump is a pathological liar and career criminal, and Lincoln was not.

So, what you are saying is that you want me to post more of this

Ok then, have it your way.

 

[BackAgain]

You are defending abuse of power.
Lawyer my ass. No wonder all the old heads on here cant stand you. You are a fckn JOKE.

You’re a simpleton with a completely unjustified big old ego.

I said nothing at all defending an abuse of power.

You’re simply too close-minded and simple minded to grasp the fact that our Constitution is not now and never was a sucide pact.

Like your ridiculous contention that President Lincoln was a “tyrant,” the nonsense you spew is so hyperbolic and baseless that you could qualify as a very stupid liberal.

Your general ignorance is funny.

 

[TNHarley]

You’re a simpleton with a completely unjustified big old ego.

I said nothing at all defending an abuse of power.

You’re simply too close-minded and simple minded to grasp the fact that our Constitution is not now and never was a sucide pact.

Like your ridiculous contention that President Lincoln was a “tyrant,” the nonsense you spew is so hyperbolic and baseless that you could qualify as a very stupid liberal.

Your general ignorance is funny.

JOKE

 

[BackAgain]

I knew it was the halfwit Bee without even opening the thread.

Yeah. You mad.

 

[jacksonlamb]

No he didn’t you dishonest imbecile.

Yes. For a brief period and for excellent reason. And it then got legitimized by Congress.

Again. So what? It’s Constitutional.

A few. Yes. And under the circumstances, it was perfectly rational to do so.

Snippets of it. Yeah. But without the historical context.

Although the suspension of habeas corpus is specifically allowed by the Constitution, the legal opinion of Justice Taney found that since that provision comes in Article 1, it had to be Congress who could do it. (The reasoning he employed was actually pretty solid on that point.). See, Article I, Section 9, Clause 2 of the United States Constitution.

But, as you either know or should know, Congress is permitted to grant to the President the ability to make use of such power. It’s called delegation. And they’ve done so, specifically via the Habeas Corpus Suspension Act.



I’m sure any alleged single mom at that time did need land and livestock. And that true in any age and during any war. But that didn’t count as highly to the leaders making such decisions as denying the enemy of the means to succeed. I’m sure you have noticed that wars are nasty things.

No. Both due process and property rights simply got subordinated to the survival of the nation. And once again, the Constitution makes some provisions for that authority.

Not a word you’ve written supports your hyperbolic claim of “tyranny.”

You really are being quite silly.

Back Again just whipped ass.