Irish drunk

[Bootneck]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Nancy.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Nancy staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Nancy said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

 

[nateriver]

That is a good one.
One of my favorite dunken tales is a song by one of my favorite groups.
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRHkzBi4MXk"]Don't Go for the One- Gaelic Storm[/ame]

 

[Bootneck]

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said,

"You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued,

"You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom,and said,

"Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded,

"For fifteen years I've lived next door to that bastard. And every time I asked to borrow a fucking spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

 

[Luissa]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Nancy.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Nancy staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Nancy said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

The best part about this is, my child's father who is an irish drunk last name is Flynn and he is flipping moron also.

 

[Luissa]

I have always laughed my ass off at this one

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum


P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

 

[Bootneck]

The best part about this is, my child's father who is an irish drunk last name is Flynn and he is flipping moron also.

Is he getting paid for appearing in Irish jokes?

 

[Bootneck]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

 

[Luissa]

The best part about this is, my child's father who is an irish drunk last name is Flynn and he is flipping moron also.

Is he getting paid for appearing in Irish jokes?

I wish, maybe I would get more child support from him.

 

[Luissa]

I had a boyfriend ask me once, " Do you have any Irish in you?" Of Course I said yes and he replied, "Would you like some more in ya?"
Really you are suppose to say no so they can say, " Would you like some in ya?"

 

[Bootneck]

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal her lovely thighs. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand. But changing gears, he let his hand slide even further up her leg.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologised, “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

[DamnYankee]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

You must spread some reputation around before giving it to Bootneck again.

Love it....

 

[Bootneck]

I had a boyfriend ask me once, " Do you have any Irish in you?" Of Course I said yes and he replied, "Would you like some more in ya?"
Really you are suppose to say no so they can say, " Would you like some in ya?"

No style or class Luissa. Whatever happened to chat-up lines like these:

Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job?
No! Well in that case, would you like to do lunch?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

You know, I would die happy if I saw you naked just once!

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?

Wow, you with those curves, and me with no brakes ...

You: Have I shown you my magic watch? It tells me that you're not wearing any underwear ...
Girl: Nice try, I am wearing underwear.
You: Shoot ... It must be an hour fast.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I could see myself in your underwear.

 

[DamnYankee]

Just found this one


An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

 

[editec]

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Bugger that! We'll just drink in the dark

 

[Bootneck]

Once there was an Irish convent that had in it's estate, an old windmill. As the abbey was not prospering as once it did, the abbess decided that the nuns should restore the old mill and try to support their community by grinding flour.

The nuns toiled and gradually the mill was put in working order. One fine, windy autumn day the sails turned, the millstone ground and the first flour appeared. The abbess scooped the first grindings into a little leather pouch and announced "I am going to take this first flour of our mill to Rome for the blessing of The Holy Father, then surely our project will be blessed and our mill will prosper. Sister Magdalen, Sister Assumpta, you will go with me."

And so the three nuns flew to Rome, sought an audience with the Pope and he blessed the little pouch of flour, but on the flight back the plane went down and only the three nuns survived.

It was an isolated and barren place where they clambered from the wreckage and for three days and nights they had no food nor water and no sign of rescue. At last Mother superior said "If we don't do something we shall starve. We must make bread with the flour in this pouch." "But how can we?" asked the other two. "We will have to mix it with pee," said the abbess "for there is nothing else."

She found a flat stone and poured the pouch of flour carefully onto it before the shocked nuns. "But His Holiness has blessed that flour" gasped ancient Sister Magdalen. "It would be sacrelidge" whispered Sister Assumpta. "Well if not we will die" barked the abbess.

"Now then Sister Magdalen, pee on it" she commanded. Young sister Magdalen squatted over the cone of flour while the other two waited, and waited. Eventually she stood up and cried "I'm so sorry Reverend Mother, I just can't do it." The abbess rolled her eyes a shoved the poor young nun aside. "Sister Assumpta, you do it" she commanded. The frail old nun creaked aloud as she lowered herself over the little pile of flour, but after a time had passed, she rose, knees cracking and head bowed. "I'm sorry Reverend Mother, I can't do it either. It's as if the saints were watching me." "Oh get out of my way, I'll do it myself" blustered the portly abbess.

She hitched up great folds of her voluminous habit and with her two sisters supporting her elbows, the plump, red faced reverend mother lowered herself slowly over the little pile of flour, farted mightily and blew it all away. The other two pissed themselves laughing.

 

[Luissa]

I had a boyfriend ask me once, " Do you have any Irish in you?" Of Course I said yes and he replied, "Would you like some more in ya?"
Really you are suppose to say no so they can say, " Would you like some in ya?"

No style or class Luissa. Whatever happened to chat-up lines like these:

Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job?
No! Well in that case, would you like to do lunch?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

You know, I would die happy if I saw you naked just once!

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?

Wow, you with those curves, and me with no brakes ...

You: Have I shown you my magic watch? It tells me that you're not wearing any underwear ...
Girl: Nice try, I am wearing underwear.
You: Shoot ... It must be an hour fast.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I could see myself in your underwear.

here is one for the bassman!
"Your remind me of my prize winning bass. I don't know whether to mount you or eat you?"

 

[Bootneck]

I had a boyfriend ask me once, " Do you have any Irish in you?" Of Course I said yes and he replied, "Would you like some more in ya?"
Really you are suppose to say no so they can say, " Would you like some in ya?"

No style or class Luissa. Whatever happened to chat-up lines like these:

Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job?
No! Well in that case, would you like to do lunch?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

You know, I would die happy if I saw you naked just once!

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?

Wow, you with those curves, and me with no brakes ...

You: Have I shown you my magic watch? It tells me that you're not wearing any underwear ...
Girl: Nice try, I am wearing underwear.
You: Shoot ... It must be an hour fast.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I could see myself in your underwear.

here is one for the bassman!
"Your remind me of my prize winning bass. I don't know whether to mount you or eat you?"

You'd want to say that to the Bass???? That's hot Luissa! If the right woman said that to me I'd go weak at the knees!

 

[Luissa]

I would never say that to the bass, I would be afraid he would turn me around! lol

And I figured you would like that one!