Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the 1940's, but it just isn't working anymore. We tried to stay together for the sake of the future generations, but regretfully we have to accept that this relationship has run its course. We have grown apart. The ideological and emotional divide has become so wide and irreconcilable that the only logical course is to go our separate ways.
But hey, this will be a good thing for both of us. We can end this on a high note. We can still be friends. Let's do it.
Please sign the following:
DIVORCE AGREEMENT:
We will equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a portion. That will be the hardest part but so long as we agree on roughly the same amount of coastline, mountains, lakes, north/south latitudes, etc. commensurate with a per capita division, we can work that out.
After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. We'll take along the economists who know how to design a system where everybody pays his or her fair share and no more than is necessary to operate our government which will be based on original Constitutional principles.
You are welcome to the liberal judges, the ACLU, the UAW, the AFLCIO, the SEIU, the teachers' unions, PETA, and Planned Parenthood. We'll take the Salvation Army and similar organizations, and what conservative judges, teachers, and labor experts are left.
Since you hate guns and war, it is logical that we'll take the firearms, police force, NRA, and the military, but you guys get Cindy Sheehan, Code Pink, Oprah, Alec Baldwin, and Barbra. We'll even throw in Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnel but it will be your responsibility to find bio-diesel vehicles big enough to move all of them.
We'll keep capitalism, the most greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, big oil, Wal-Mart, Ford, and Wall Street. You get benevolent socialism, Ben & Jerry,'s, Flying Star, General Motors, and the electric transportation industry.
We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's, rednecks, and Tea Partiers. You get the academics, hippies, illegal aliens, peaceniks, and war protesters.
We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain.
You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can have all the Volkswagons and Smart Cars.
We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem but will give up I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya, and We Are the World.
We'll take the private and parochial schools and the home schoolers. You get the entire public education system.
As we seem to lean on and respect them more, we'll keep and take all responsibility for our Constitution as the Founders' intended it, cultural heritage, traditional values, our history, and our flag. Unencumbered, your side will then be free to take along a flexible Constitution that you can bend or stretch any directions you want, and you can define your culture, history, and values any way you see fit.
In the interest of parting, I suggest that we get together in 10 years or so and see how its working out for each of us.
Sincerely,
Your Conservative friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, and associates
We have stuck together since the 1940's, but it just isn't working anymore. We tried to stay together for the sake of the future generations, but regretfully we have to accept that this relationship has run its course. We have grown apart. The ideological and emotional divide has become so wide and irreconcilable that the only logical course is to go our separate ways.
But hey, this will be a good thing for both of us. We can end this on a high note. We can still be friends. Let's do it.
Please sign the following:
DIVORCE AGREEMENT:
We will equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a portion. That will be the hardest part but so long as we agree on roughly the same amount of coastline, mountains, lakes, north/south latitudes, etc. commensurate with a per capita division, we can work that out.
After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. We'll take along the economists who know how to design a system where everybody pays his or her fair share and no more than is necessary to operate our government which will be based on original Constitutional principles.
You are welcome to the liberal judges, the ACLU, the UAW, the AFLCIO, the SEIU, the teachers' unions, PETA, and Planned Parenthood. We'll take the Salvation Army and similar organizations, and what conservative judges, teachers, and labor experts are left.
Since you hate guns and war, it is logical that we'll take the firearms, police force, NRA, and the military, but you guys get Cindy Sheehan, Code Pink, Oprah, Alec Baldwin, and Barbra. We'll even throw in Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnel but it will be your responsibility to find bio-diesel vehicles big enough to move all of them.
We'll keep capitalism, the most greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, big oil, Wal-Mart, Ford, and Wall Street. You get benevolent socialism, Ben & Jerry,'s, Flying Star, General Motors, and the electric transportation industry.
We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's, rednecks, and Tea Partiers. You get the academics, hippies, illegal aliens, peaceniks, and war protesters.
We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain.
You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can have all the Volkswagons and Smart Cars.
We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem but will give up I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya, and We Are the World.
We'll take the private and parochial schools and the home schoolers. You get the entire public education system.
As we seem to lean on and respect them more, we'll keep and take all responsibility for our Constitution as the Founders' intended it, cultural heritage, traditional values, our history, and our flag. Unencumbered, your side will then be free to take along a flexible Constitution that you can bend or stretch any directions you want, and you can define your culture, history, and values any way you see fit.
In the interest of parting, I suggest that we get together in 10 years or so and see how its working out for each of us.
Sincerely,
Your Conservative friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, and associates
