How About a Joke Thread ?

[Ringo]

John Rockefeller dreamed of making $100,000 and living to be 100. But he made $192 billion and died at 97.
Not all dreams come true...

 

[App'z]

Have you studied words, spelled the same pronounced differently with different meanings.
It's sort of the way life works.


I called you into my office Bob to tell you about your next raise.
Unfortunately for you I decided to institute a cost savings protocol.
So instead of a raise cost savings have kicked in. You're suspended from duty.
Effective immediately, you are fired. By Bob.
I just wanted to tell you personally about how much this hurts me.
So I can offer you a position at our Iceland Office as an errand boy trainee.

 

[App'z]

A cat dies and goes to Animal Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,
"You have been a good cat all of these years."
"Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Animal Heaven.
God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women
with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates,
we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "I've never been happier in my life."
"Those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

 

[Ringo]

 

[Captain Caveman]

"Ok children, what sounds did we hear on the farm trip yesterday?"

"Moo"

"Baa"

"Quack quack"

"Abdul get your dick outta that goat"

 

[Auld Phart]

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”

 

[App'z]

Lil Johnny how did you Sell $3200 dollars of Holy Bible books in one week?
"I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Lil Johnny."

So, Lil Johnny just shrugged and said, "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,"
he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted "For crying out loud, Lil Johnny,
just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Lil Johnny replied,

"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible

F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you

j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"-

 

[Ringo]

The dark hall. On a darkened stage, a candle burns, a man jerks off. The audience is waiting.
However, after a while someone not cultured enough can't stand it and shouts from the gallery: "Gentlemen! He's just jerking off!"
The man on stage frantically blows out the candle and holler: "Who's there?!"

Only people who are cultured enough know that the joke is not about the man on stage and the audience, but about the fact that the words "Who's there?" begin the first scene of "Hamlet".

 

[App'z]

 

[Resnic]

How I learned to mind my own business.

I was walking home one day and was going past the hospital for mentally ill people.

I heard them all outside chanting over and over again "13, 13, 13, 13".

The fence was really high so they couldn't escape but I found a spot with a hole in the fence so I looked in it so I could see what was going on.

One of them poked me in the eye with a stick and they all started chanting "14, 14, 14, 14"

 

[Votto]

The only thing flat earthers fear

is Sphere itself.

 

[Votto]

Spartacus said nothing when the lion ate his wife.

He was gladiator.

 

[Auld Phart]

Spartacus said nothing when the lion ate his wife.

He was gladiator.

 

[Votto]

Joe Biden says he can't remember a single time his memory has failed him, and I believe him!!

 

[App'z]

 

[BackAgain]

Brandon is our President.

I don’t say it was a funny joke.

 

[App'z]

Have you noticed that since forever you know nothing about the Whitehouse daily life. All you hear is hate mail.

 

[Captain Caveman]

Did you hear about the thief stealing t-shirts in order of size?

He's still at large.

 

[Captain Caveman]

The inventor of punchlines has died.

 

[Ringo]

The great tip:

1. You get the cheapest hooker you can find.
2. You go to a swingers bar with her.
3. Trade her for someone else's pretty wife.